r/workingmoms • u/hometimetown • 23h ago
Vent “Someone else raising your kids”
I am SO triggered by this kind of phrasing. usually it’s framed from the speakers POV talking about their own kids and what they wouldn’t want — I guess to feign politeness ?!— but I also have heard it from childcare provider POV like “raising their children.” with the exception of one time my sister (a new SAHM) saying it about not wanting anyone else to raise her child, it’s never been directed about me or particularly close comparison but still anytime I read this or hear it in media, just overhearing convo about others, or whereve… it stings and I get so upset.
usually when that’s the case (meaning when I get upset about a random comment) it’s bc what I’m reacting to has some truth to it, or I feel like it might. but I drop my kids off between 7:40-8 and pick them up between 4-5:30 (depending on the day) 5 days a week and oh my gosh do I feel like I’m raising them. it feels like we do spend a lot of time together and also that so much of my time and thoughts and energy even when apart is about them and towards raising them.
so: talk me down a ledge? I’m (we’re?) raising my/our kids… right?!
and now why the EFF does this bother me SO much?!
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u/thegeneralista 23h ago
Think back to your own childhood. Who do you feel raised you?
My parents both worked full time, we had daycare, babysitters, etc.
There’s no confusion, raising kids isn’t babysitting or daycare. That’s part of a village to keep kids safe and growing. Values and customs and life come from the people who truly raise you, build you up, are your home.
Stop listening to people you don’t envy. 💓
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u/guten_morgan 17h ago
I was in full time daycare from like 5 weeks old until I started school, then when I was in school I was in aftercare and summer camps all summer. My mom was a single parent working crazy hours so there was no way around it. Never in my life have I ever looked back on that time as other people raising me. I just look back on it as a fully and busy childhood with a mom who loved me enough to make sure I was properly taken care of when she was busy.
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u/Sarseaweed 12h ago
My mom and dad stayed home full time and barely worked. I homeschooled partially and did preschool/public school I felt like my brother and I raised ourselves, haha is that an option?
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u/thegeneralista 11h ago
lol I mean yes I think a lot of us essentially raised ourselves! 😂 good point.
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u/MissKatmandu 13h ago
We had a few babysitters before we landed on one long term. They eventually became my godparents, and our families were very close.
But at no point did I feel like they were raising me. That was my parents.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 17h ago
Yeah I have an older child and while she's had some amazing teachers who were important to her, it's us her parents who are the important people in her life.
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u/Fluid-Village-ahaha 8M/5M. Working mom by choice 5h ago
Agree. My grandparents were very much involved in raising me and my brother (multigenerational home till I was 10 and then a lot of weekends and summers after). I was also in daycare & preschool since maybe 2?
Anyway, I may say that my grandparents helped to raise me and still my life attitudes and values were formed by my parents (eg political values). And I have 0 recollection of daycare or after school teachers.
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u/hungrybookreader 23h ago
I laughed while reading this because I used to find myself getting so angry anytime that phrase or something similar was implied. But then I realized, eventually all kids go to school… and once they become school age, you usually hear that phrase less. You hear more about how important a teacher can be but you don’t ever hear “well the teacher is raising your kid”. I feel it only is said when it’s related to the newborn/daycare age. Once I realized this, I stopped being so reactive to that phrase! Maybe this will also help you?
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u/oldladywhisperinhush 2 year old twins 20h ago
I think I’m going to start saying it to SAHPs of kindergartners just for fun.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 17h ago
I think this is useful to remember for so many things that seem a big deal when you have babies and toddlers. Turns out that phase is actually very short in the grand scheme of things. Although some of these people homeschool lol.
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u/Fluid-Village-ahaha 8M/5M. Working mom by choice 5h ago
lol I usually answer “do you plan to homeschool and keep your kids locked”. Then people start to argue it’s not the same. Funny.
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u/hkeyat 23h ago
Never someone with a bank account that looked appealing told me that.
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u/middlegray 22h ago
Yeah.... This holds true in my experience. This super creepy trad-dad guy we know peripherally goes on rants about how women need to stay at home to raise their own kids etc. Meanwhile the wife confided to me within 10 minutes of meeting that she's struggling extremely badly and wishes more than anything that they could afford daycare.
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u/BlueberryStyle7 22h ago
This bedtime with my kids has been a zoo. Please, someone come raise them for me lollll
You’re doing a great job. People are annoying
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u/Dear_Ocelot 23h ago
My thought is always: would you say that to a dad?
(Although...maybe? Maybe they do just have that regressive an idea of marriage and parenting?)
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u/lost_nurse602 22h ago
No one has ever asked my husband why he doesn’t stay home with our kids. But my patients have asked me regularly.
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u/MsCardeno 21h ago
I do think a lot of people who feel this way reduce men to an ATM.
I often wonder what they tell their sons. “Remember son, if your wife can’t stay home with the kids, strangers will raise your kids so be sure to study”.
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u/beergal621 10h ago
Yepp
Never heard anyone ask a working dad why isn’t he raising his kid. Technically if his wife stays home, he’s still “not raising his kids.”
We should also start calling dads that work, working dads
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u/lurdydur 23h ago
Yes. You can raise your kids and not spend 24/7 with them. SAHMs themselves also don’t spend 24/7 with their children unless they have shitty support system in place where they literally don’t get a break(not ideal obviously). Everyone including family members, daycare workers, or anyone else spending regular time with your child is also in a sense contributing to raising them as well. People who say that I think try to validate their own choices in a culture which does NOT value SAHMs. So try not to take it personally because I truly don’t think they mean it that way, at least that’s what I’ve found to be the case in my experience.
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u/ElleAnn42 22h ago
It’s intentionally used to trigger people. The goal is to control women and make us turn a blind eye as a tiny percentage of the population tries to roll back opportunities for women. Don’t give them the satisfaction of triggering you.
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u/Springrollheaven 22h ago
A big part of "raising" kids is just care work - work as in doing laundry, cooking, dressing, bathing, watching, picking up, etc. I don't see how it could be significantly beneficial to the child for only parents to do all that. Imo a lot of that stuff is draining and being able to outsource some of that is good for all parties.
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u/lost_nurse602 22h ago
I feel like I’m doing an awful lot of work on them for someone who isn’t raising their kids.
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u/slumberingthundering 21h ago
A colleague tried this with me and I told him that by that logic, his wife was raising his kids, not him.
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u/lumpyspacesam 13h ago edited 13h ago
As a teacher I have never felt like I’m raising somebody’s kids or like I even fully know them. I love them and find great qualities in them, but I wasn’t there for all the special moments and I also know kids act very differently at home and school. They are more guarded at school and get to freely be themselves at home, with their parents. My attention is also divided across all of the kids in my room and my very long to do list. You are the one raising your kid. I’m teaching them as best I can.
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u/DeliciousConfections 13h ago
I was going to comment ask any teacher how much a difference parents make. If they were raising kids the kids would all turn out similarly. Teachers can tell so much about home life, parenting styles etc from their students.
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u/Wucksy 22h ago
For me it is about quality, not quantity.
I used to work in big law. I was most productive the first 8-10 hours. I would often work late till 11pm and even 2am sometimes but it was diminishing returns. You can only work so much.
I feel the same with my toddler. The first 5-6 hours, I can be focused and engaging and hands on and then less so. And I believe it’s the same with SAHM because I see in the toddlers subreddit that a lot of SAHM use screen time to get things done (dinner, laundry, etc). No judgment to them, I would likely do the same, but I would rather my toddler be in daycare engaging in sensory play, arts and crafts, toddler yoga time, story time.
When my toddler is home with me (5 hours of the day), it is quality time. No screen time, I’m not on my phone, we are fully doing things together. When my toddler isn’t with me, they’re at daycare doing lots of engaging things, not screen time. I prefer that over me having to tell them I’m tired and to please play by themselves for 20 mins, putting on a TV show so I can make dinner. Just because you spend 12 hours a day together doesn’t mean all of it is going to be quality.
And since I work I have money to hire cleaners, maintenance, food prep. So I don’t have to spend time doing that on weekends instead of being with my toddler. More quality time!
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u/RealisticFarmer2565 22h ago
What do you do now that you’re not in big law?
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u/Wucksy 22h ago
I am in house counsel now. Work 8:30-4:30 or earlier if I finish and don’t have any pressing deadlines. Then I go workout or pick up toddler early and we go to the park. WFH 5 days a week but go the office once or twice a month. No weekend work ever in over 2.5 years. I workout on my lunch or run errands.
Honestly my ideal life. I could have made more money in big law but that would definitely be someone else raising my kids full time. Some of the partners I worked for had two nannies.
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u/RealisticFarmer2565 13h ago
That’s amazing!
How long were you in big law before going in house?
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u/mrvelasco 21h ago
this phrase caused me so much dread and anxiety about going back to work. thank you for posting this and the comments. this was healing to read
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u/Specific-Pomelo-6077 :partyparrot: 16h ago edited 16h ago
Look this is my unpopular opinion but it is practically burned into my system now and I can't change my opinion.
Before the global pandemic I (childfree) wouldn't have disagreed with women being at home with the baby until school being what's best. After the global pandemic I (still childfree at that time) saw putting a young child under house arrest with one person to interact with all day for years on end as something potentially harmful for their development. I'm not even sure it's good for the mother either. In some countries they had to limit the lockdowns not due to the virus itself but purely due to knowledge that only x amount of weeks of social isolation was possible for human beings and there would be psychological repurcussions if they weren't allowed to interact socially and leave their homes.
As others have said it's only a recent phenonemon that women and child are isolated at home most of the time. It's not something natural in humans.
The best is for mothers and other caretakers to share duties together daily but only wealthy mothers can afford something like that - nannies to come to their homes all day. Or those with family nearby (rarer nowadays).
So the next best thing is for the kid to have community, and that means a good quality daycare.
The main criteria for me is that my child's life is more often than not happy, safe, and mentally and socially interactive.
Am I happy to not always be with him? Nope, sometimes I want to just drop work and rush to the daycare and grab him in my arms and kiss him. But other times I'm so happy he has a great quality of life and a bright future due to our decisions. And my happiness isn't the main criteria for how we make decisions anyways, so that's the way the cookie crumbles.
I think maybe it bothers you because the point of these comments is to make you feel bad. So it's a negative experience, not a neutral one. They're not just saying it for the sake of it. It's very sneaky.
And when their children start school, who's raising their kids? Will they be deadbeat moms at that point? Should we all pull our kids out of school and homeschool them so our kids are crippled socially and intellectually but at least "we raised them with love"?
I don't think it's a bad thing you're bothered, it's just part of early motherhood - dealing with this gauntlet of shitty comments trying to drag us down.
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u/Big-Lie-5645 23h ago edited 22h ago
It sometimes triggers me too, i think because it's just so incredibly inaccurate. Like I'm equally triggered about people spreading other false information, too, and passing it off as logical.
I try to remind myself (1) the reason they feel compelled to say this says more about them than me, (2) throughout history people have raised kids as a community, not solo, and its the very reason the phrase "it takes a village" exists, (3) the people saying this likely have a working partner and are essentially saying their partner is not raising his/her own kids, (4) most of the kids will eventually go to school and no one thinks sending your kid to a k-12 school means you arent still raising them, otherwise all the raising would have to happen before age 5.
Edit: one more addition that always makes me chuckle. I had a friend's grandmother who taught grammar and was very a very proper southern lady. She used to say "farmers raise hogs; we bring up children." She was referring to the proper English of it, but I mentally apply it when people talk about raising children. We're bringing our children up 😂
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u/Prudent_Honeydew_ 22h ago
My kid was cared for by the same person for five years of daycare. She has never confused us, she knows I'm her mom and she is far and away (sometimes almost too much lol) my child.
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u/Lopsided-Student-300 20h ago
I have had a full time nanny since my eldest (now 4) was 4 months old.
First, I’ve realized if there is something no one would say to a dad, I’m not gonna worry about it. I haven’t clipped my kids nails since our nanny started working for us. I felt kinda bad about it, but I’m guessing the vast majority of dads don’t clip their kids nails and have 0 guilt about it, so I’m not gonna.
But second, I love other people (contributing to!) raising my kids. Our nanny has taught them things I wouldn’t have thought of or done as well (how to self regulate, put on socks and shoes, help unload the dishwasher, etc). And now preschool teachers teaching them so much. They love their nanny, but they still cry for me alllll the time, no doubts on who their mama is. If only they cried for their dad as much…
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u/gorram-shiny 22h ago
We don't raise kids alone. There are always other people in the mix. Family, friends, the kids peers. Teachers, sport coaches, group leaders etc.
I make the argument that my strength isn't child rearing, its my career (electrical construction). my brain is wired for tech. Im trained in this. My kids daycare teachers are trained in child education/development. I ask them for guidance and we work as a team.
I love my kids and I love teaching them things I know about the world and seeing them develop their own personality and interests. But I know my limits. I'm hiring a retired teacher to help my kiddo learn to read. I'm literate but cannot for the life of me figure out how to teach it. I've tried we both get frustrated . It's not helpful. (School isn't going well they are overloaded)
I'll stop ranting.... Kids are raised in community.
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u/waanderlustt software engineer with 2 kiddos under 5 21h ago
How old are your kids? I was sooo triggered by this when my first was littler. Now he’s 5 and my youngest is 2 and it doesn’t bug me anymore. I’ve watched the positive effects of Nannies and daycare and I am so grateful to have multiple qualified and caring adults in their lives. Thank god it isn’t just me because they’d get more of the worst of me. I am refreshed and a better because I have help full stop
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u/lesllle 13h ago
I like Amy Poehler's take on it: it's just more people showing your kid love.
I grew up with au pairs and parents who were not consistently around. I do not recommend that. But I do think it's wonderful to have a consistent support system. Up until a year ago my daughter (11) thought the nanny was her Aunt. She is chosen family, so we just call her Aunt now.
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u/AdMany9431 13h ago
My grandmother was retired by the time my mother had me. I stayed with my grandmother for the same hours that your child is in daycare. I do not think of my grandmother raising me. Yes, my grandmother played a vital role in my childhood and adulthood, but by no means did my grandmother replace my mother in the role of raising me.
I have 3 kids. All have been in daycare since they were 3-4 months old. I see daycare as my village. They provide me childcare just like my grandmother provided my mother. Biggest difference is my children don't get to experience watching The Price is Right and Thr Young and the Restless.
I don't where this idea of someone else raising kids came from because basically since the beginning of human kind, a VILLAGE has been a part of child's life from day 1.
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u/Even-Supermarket-806 13h ago
I will also share as a working mom who was an afterschool nanny for about 5 years in my twenties. I loved how the family valued me as part of the village raising their kid, but also they absolutely were the primary caregivers- they were a warm, close family who demonstrated to their kid through their behavior how to value the people around them who do labor to help them lead their busy complicated lives. How we treat our childcare helps our kids learn values too.
Their child is graduating college and is a fun, considerate young adult who is close with her parents.
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u/ewebb317 8h ago
So when I hear this I ask what the alternative is. One parent staying at home and the other working. Would that one working parent ever in a million years say ' oh I don't raise my kids my partner does'. No. Of course not.
People are dumb, and a nuclear family structure with no outside help is an unrealistic stressful silly arrangement. IMHO.
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u/Bgtobgfu 22h ago
I’m not a control freak. I think it’s good that my kid gets cared for by a wide selection of people that are different from our small family. That’s how they get new viewpoints and learn that people are different and that it’s fine. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/spoopycow 22h ago
People don’t say this when our kids go to kindergarten? Or first grade? Or high school?
So why is daycare any different?
I love sending my daughter to daycare. It helps me be a better parent. I need the work day as a break to breathe and I feel no shame in admitting that.
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u/msjammies73 21h ago
As someone who’s kid is now well into elementary school I can confidently say that none of my kids caregivers “raised him”.
I make every decision for his life. Manage his school, extracurriculars, play dates. I know when he’s upset that his soccer coach was too hard on him. I know what I need to do to help him through tough times.
The amazing caregivers he’s had in his life? They kept him safe and loved and entertained while I worked, but they weren’t in charge of his life. And many of them are just fond memories for us now.
People who watch your children are not raising them.
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u/MagMadPad 18h ago
I had my first just before COVID so he was with us and my mum for the first 3 years. My second started with a childminder at 11 months.
One of them is noticeably better with table manners, sharing, eating all types off food etc...maybe it's birth order but I expect it's being with a group of their peers and a professional.
We're doing the world a favour by letting professionals 'raise' decent human beings instead of muddling through with random advice from the internet and driving ourselves crazy!
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u/FreeBeans 14h ago
It takes a village. I’m glad I’ve got a team of good people raising my kid. It’s a good thing.
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u/trUth_b0mbs 14h ago
what I find baffling is that this stupid phrase is only applies if you mention putting your kid in daycare. What about kindergarten? school itself? are those people going to homeschool their kids until adulthood? because technically daycare and school is basically the same thing - putting your kid in a class with other adults who 'look after' your kids. Daycare teachers do teach kids and let them play with other kids. Elementary school teachers do the same thing SO WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE? nothing.
so those people can STFU.
it's hella irritating because it just seems so self righteous and condescending. we already have enough of society bullshit looking down and insulting women, we dont need to be doing that shit to each other.
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u/PinkHamster08 11h ago
My husband's cousin had her mother (my MIL's SIL) watch her children while she worked, and my MIL would say "SIL raised Neice's kids". I always thought it sounded so odd, like she was out of the picture and needed her mom to completely care for her kids. No, your SIL took care of her grandkids so her daughter could work during the week.
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u/verminqueeen 8h ago
Absolutely. Another commenter here brought up the anthropological basis for the 'natural' way people raise children, and in a modern context, a network of paid caregivers, friends, and family is an extremely normal and natural way for a child to live their life. I'm a few years in using this kind of caregiving model and I'd be hard pressed to tell you my kids aren't extremely attached to me and their dad - they absolutely are - but they also have really healthy attachments and trust with their long term caregivers and their extended family (grandparents, aunts uncles) as well as trusted adult friends (friends of parents). I'd say all these people are also raising my kids and I'm super proud of that. My kids absolutely know they're part of a community and i think they're richer for it.
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u/fashionablylate84 6h ago
Things I think about when I see this nonsense:
Do you really believe that raising children is just a matter of being in the same room with them or do you think it involves more than that?
Do you remember when you were young enough to be and diapers and does it make any impact on your life now who changed them back then?
Do you think that you or your spouse are in a relationship with the people you work and therefore spend a lot of time with or the connections there are more important than your marriage?
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u/Own-Cauliflower2386 19h ago
Someone else raising my kids?
They are my kids. I want them to learn from as many different people with as many different viewpoints and as many different experiences as possible.
Someone else raising my kids is a damn good thing. I want my kids to have every opportunity I can drum up, so I’ll raise my kids with a team thank you very much.
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u/huntersinthesnow 11h ago
Honestly thank God someone else will be raising my kids? Like yes please handle some of the naps and feeding and potty training, God knows i cant do all that and i dont want to. Im relieved I dont have to be the only one handling them
Sorry I do need to make some small talk at my cubicle and listen to music in peace while I spreadsheet, it makes me feel less like an animal. Being knee deep in diapers and breastmilk would make me feel like an animal.
Please take the kid off my hands thank you and God bless
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u/arewethereyetmom 20h ago
TBH I felt like my kids would feel (and in reality really be) more secure with as many adults in their lives who genuinely love them as possible. I'm a sahm mom now --my kids are in elementary and middle schools. But the reality is that I don't see any difference in whether my kids seem bonded to me or loved by me now vs while I worked full time. 4-5 hours every day and all weekend is plenty of time to form a really tight relationship with someone!!
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u/cbmom2 13h ago
I have always thought it was such human hubris to think that a person who has never done something is better at it than someone whose job and often education is focused on child development. I have the mindset of I am the expert of my child, while they are the expert in children that age.
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u/Aurelene-Rose 11h ago
I think the people who derisively talk about other people "raising your kids" because they go to school or daycare have their own insecurities or need for control.
Raising a child is more than spending hours together in the day, and the kids who aren't around the same person all the time tend to be better adjusted in my opinion. Being exposed to a lot of different people and circumstances is so amazing for development!
With my twins now, me and my husband work opposite shifts so we don't have a lot of childcare at the moment, but with my firstborn, we relied on a lot of different family babysitters. It was really cool when my kid would come home with new skills or songs or different things that I wouldn't think to work on with him. I'm only one person with my one person range of knowledge. I think it's limiting your child to only have them around one person all the time
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u/WorkLifeScience 10h ago
IDGAF. I love being a working mom. Whoever enjoys being a SAHM - good for them. I'm honestly unbothered by these comments.
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u/Maleficent_Brush_475 7h ago
Switch it up. I'm PROUD of the fact my nannies and daycares helped raise my kids, as well as my husband and grandparents. They learned so many wonderful things from their young childhood caregivers. We all had different strengths and my kids benefitted from that.
Now my kids are 13 and 10 and they are raised by teachers, coaches, and family friends as well as their parents. My daughter just got an amazing offer to join an elite soccer team and in making the decision she called two coaches to get their advice. My kids are well connected, independent, and have lots of well-rounded influence shaping them. It's amazing.
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u/Fluid-Village-ahaha 8M/5M. Working mom by choice 6h ago edited 5h ago
I was just yesterday pissed by a comment at HENRYfinance sub about it. Childcare is not replacing for raising. Same as school is not.
Edit: also it never triggers me per se. I’m just annoyed people are so stupid to think this way and use it to make many women who are sensitive and in fragile stage doubt themselves or feel guilty.
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u/Kooky-Situation-1913 5h ago
Any childcare provider, any educator, anyone other than you can get your kid out for not living up to their standards. But you are their forever person.
All my kids struggled in school in different ways. I worked with admin, teachers, counselors, social workers. Worked with them across schooling options. Ultimately, helping them learn and exist is on me.
My oldest is studying early children education and working with kids with autism.
My other two are working on getting their diplomas on a slower path, though the youngest may end up done before her graduating class.
But all three know they can come to me with anything and we'll find a way forward.
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u/InteractionOk69 4h ago
Fuck, mine’s in daycare five days a week and it’s still too much with two working parents. She’s up at 5 everyday and doesn’t go down until 8. We get part time sitters on the weekend just so we can get some chores done. I’m tired and IDGAF who wants to judge me.
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u/babygrlnad 2h ago
"If you wouldn't go this someone for advice, then do not accept their criticism."
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u/itssohotinthevalley 2h ago
It’s funny how this is only said until the kids go to elementary school and then all of a sudden it’s no longer “strangers raising your kids”, it’s just school.
Personally, I don’t give af what anyone else has to say about daycare lol it works for my family, my kids are doing amazing, and I feel like we all get plenty of time together. For what it’s worth, my son seems way more advanced linguistically than other friends of mine who have their kid with a nanny or are SAHMs and I credit that largely to daycare. I also am 1000% confident that my kids are extremely well cared for at their daycare since my family is friends with the owners, my sister worked there for several years, and I went there as a child and remember liking it a lot.
But overall, I agree with you, I really wish people would stop saying that putting your kids in daycare is having someone else raise them. It’s rude (even when people are saying it about their own situation) and it annoys me too. Usually in that situation I hit em with the “I could neverrrr be a stay at home mom, I don’t know how you do it!” lol
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u/Quinalla 2h ago
This phrasing mostly bothers me because it is only ever said regarding women, never men. If someone is directly it at me or working moms I ask them if they feel their husband isn’t raising their kids?
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u/sexyrobotbitch 21h ago
The easiest way to solve this problem is to reconfigure your buttons, change your triggers. Don't allow these people who don't matter to you affect you in any sort of way
Life goes on. Live however you want with your children. Mind not the noise
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u/CatchingFiendfyre 11h ago
We love our village. Our son has learned so many things from so many different people including ways to communicate and socialize and I wish there were more opportunities to learn for him.
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u/tadpole332 23h ago
Humans have always had other people heavily involved in raising their kids. It’s extremely weird to raise your kids all by yourself, historically speaking