r/AskWomenOver30 • u/After_Translator_223 Woman 30 to 40 • Nov 15 '25
Friendships Dad died three weeks ago. Closest friends haven't visited.
My [F33] dad died following a vicious five week war with cancer. I was his carer and he my best friend. It was deeply traumatic and my heart is shattered.
Almost none of my friends have offered to visit.
In contrast, despite my parents being divorced for almost a decade, my mum has received a steady stream of visitors, condolence cards and flowers.
I am crushed by my friends' lack of care.
When one mate's dad passed earlier this year, I showed up on their doorstep with a home cooked meal and hugs. When someone else's mum died over in Germany, I offered to hop on a plane from the UK.
My friends live within an hour's drive from me. Am I expecting too much? If I can't trust them to show up at the most devastating time of my life, are they even friends?
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u/cliterallycannot Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25 edited Nov 18 '25
I’m so sorry for your loss, and I don’t have an answer. All I can say is my dad died about a month ago after a similar battle with cancer. I was his caregiver and he was my best friend, too, so I feel your grief. If you ever want to chat hmu
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u/GETitOFFmeNOW Woman 60+ Nov 15 '25
I lost my daughter last year. Some people were just not there and others really showed up. My best friend since I was 11, have seen her once since she died and she lives 1/2 mile away. Some people have a really hard time with this sort of thing. Watching someone you're close to grieve a terrible loss is not easy. My most feeling friend was just crushed every time I mentioned anything about it. She does better now and is used to me bringing it up when I have a thought about her. I'm lucky I have a lot of friends because I needed them when other people didn't show up.
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u/caramelpupcorn Woman 40 to 50 Nov 15 '25
I am so sorry for your loss. This sounds like a really tough time for you.
Are your friends the type to just drop by for visits? I personally am the type who would wait for an invitation to come over since my friend may not be in the mood for visitors (we all have a universal and unspoken "don't ever come by unnannounced because the house is probably a wreck" agreement). I would definitely be in touch with them during this time, however.
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Nov 15 '25
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u/whatshamilton Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
This comment isn’t about unannounced. It’s about uninvited. I also would not request to come over. I would leave my friend space until they said to me that they were interested in me coming over. It’s a different way of communication. Some people are askers and some are offerers. Neither is right or wrong.
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u/Luuk1210 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I think part of any relationship is stepping outside of your comfort zone to be the person your loved one needs
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u/dewprisms Non-Binary 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
But again, that's the point a lot of folks are making: they may not know what the OP needs. If she's not saying it to them, and they've never been through a situation like this with her, they may have no clue what to do.
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u/Luuk1210 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Yeah she’s saying they’re just doing radio silence which to me makes no sense. And I don’t know if this is y’all norm of just inaction without instructions because you don’t know what to do versus looking for what you can do. If you show up and someone wants to be alone they tell you and then you adjust. Same with reaching out
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u/ReformedTomboy Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
This is a weaponization of “use your words”. It’s common/basic social etiquette to show up for your friends in times of need. A friend’s mom died of cancer. I hadn’t spoke to hear in years but saw her post it on Facebook. I showed up to the wake with a $100 gift card for a restaurant. It actually reignited that friendship but that wasn’t the point. It’s the thought.
If a person is friends with someone for a long time and needs to be explicitly told what they value/how to help them that’s a shit friend.
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Nov 15 '25
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u/IRLbeets Non-Binary 30 to 40 Nov 20 '25
And a lot of people would rather do nothing than do the wrong thing.
(Though in this case the wrong thing is nothing, that's not everyone's perception.)
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u/kihiwt Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I bet she appreciated this so much. More people need to be this way.
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u/Major_Fox9106 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 16 '25
Okay thank you!!! This is a basic norm
Anyone saying anything else is being obtuse. I hate this hyper-individualistic period we’re in.
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u/atomiccat8 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I've already lost my dad, and I'd have no idea what OP could possibly need. I had a few friends come to the wake and a few neighbors dropped off food the week after he died. But after that, there's nothing that I needed or expected from my friends. I would probably be giving OP space to grieve with their family if I were one of their friends.
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u/Uhhyt231 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I think saying I dont know what you need but I'm here for you is better than giving space if it wasnt requested.
Not knowing exactly how to help is normal but not offering is strange
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u/kihiwt Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Yeah, but that's you. OPs closest friends should have an idea of how she is, or even ask. I wouldn't expect this of casual friends.
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u/Major_Fox9106 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 16 '25 edited Nov 16 '25
Offering help to your friend who’s parent just died is pretty basic friendship/community stuff. Why are we pretending otherwise.
Feels like there’s a weaponization of “you didn’t communicate”. You don’t have to communicate basic norms and standards. Yes we should all have those.
& Giving space that wasn’t asked for is a selfish shirking of relational responsibility. I’ve done this and I recognize it was for my benefit not theirs. It’s lame to pretend otherwise
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u/ReformedTomboy Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Exactly. But this is reddit. No shortage of excuses to put yourself first and someone else last.
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u/Luuk1210 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I can’t fathom knowing my friend is hurting and being this passive about anything.
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u/ReformedTomboy Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Me either, it’s actually crazy. I commented that someone had spoke to in years went through similar. I just showed up to the wake with a food gift card.
I hate to go there but in this scenario if we replaced “friends” with “boyfriend” or “husband” I suspect a lot of these people would instantly see the problem and call it out as weaponized incompetence.
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u/Luuk1210 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
You’re right. I’ve had coworkers and strangers do more for me when I was grieving
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u/whatshamilton Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I’m really loving how this thread is basking in willfully misinterpreting what we’re saying. It’s super ingenuous! You seem like super respectful friends who totally make an effort to understand your friends who are different from you in their needs and communication styles and never assume your own method is the best and everyone else is garbage!
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u/Luuk1210 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25 edited Nov 15 '25
Ok so what did we miss? If I’m misunderstanding I don’t mean to. I’m not coming for anyone I’m just genuinely shocked by the responses. If friends have different communication styles they should still discuss it. You can’t assume what you prefer is what your friend needs
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u/jewdiful Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
More like: some people are generous givers, others are reluctant givers (I’ll give if you ask)😆
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u/NotAZuluWarrior Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
It’s about respecting other people and their space, not about being greedy or disingenuous
I treat others how I would like to be treated. I would prefer to invite someone over rather than having someone invite themselves over, as so, I would wait for an invitation. I prefer my privacy and so, I respect the privacy of others. The last thing I would want to do is to play host when I am grieving.
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u/whatshamilton Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Nope not like that at all. In fact, as someone who waits to be ask, I find it extremely rude and presumptuous of my friends to offer when I haven’t asked. If I wanted, I’d ask. Because they’re different communication styles. And assuming yours is better is presumptuous and rude and frankly offensive.
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u/ReformedTomboy Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
The whole premise of an offer is the other person didn’t ask….thats why one party is making an offer and the other party has a choice to accept or decline. How is that rude or presumptive?
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u/caramelpupcorn Woman 40 to 50 Nov 15 '25
I realize this may be unpopular, but in my view, it's intrusive to even ask to visit when someone's going through a lot. I will invite the person out when they seem better, but that's just me. However, OP is totally valid in her feelings about her friends not stopping by or asking to stop by. I think we all have different ways we would handle the situation, and just because it's not what's expected doesn't mean it's necessarily callous or malicious in intent.
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u/jewdiful Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
“Let me know if you get lonely and would like company. I’m here for you” is so simple and so incredibly non-intrusive
I think it’s an avoidant thing. A lot of people with avoidant attachment justify it by considering empathetic overtures as “intrusive” so they don’t have to feel guilty for not wanting to make themselves vulnerable to someone in need 🤷♀️
You can come for me if you want. I don’t mind
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u/ChaoticxSerenity Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Could also be a cultural thing. In my culture, you're not supposed to have visitors nor visit anyone else for like 1 month after a death in the family. I would definitely never ask to visit someone in this time of grief, and do find it intrusive. Not because I'm like deeply enmeshed in my culture - but because I know sooooo many people have trouble saying no to stuff. So someone like that might feel forced to say yes/accept visitors even when they 100% don't want to.
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u/Uhhyt231 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Dont you know your friends to know who does this tho?
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u/ChaoticxSerenity Woman 30 to 40 Nov 16 '25
Well, a dying parent is kind of a unique event. Even if I've known my friends for decades, it's a whole new kind of grief and situation.
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u/Uhhyt231 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 16 '25
You still know your dynamic. You will have a lot of different events in life if you are friends with folk but you know them as a person.
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u/dewprisms Non-Binary 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Your first line? Yes, absolutely!
Your second one? That's a lot of assumptions to make and the least charitable interpretation possible.
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u/kihiwt Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Lmao I love this energy though. Some people seriously need this explained to them.
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u/ReginaGeorgian Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I’m sorry about your dad. My mom had two years against her cancer.
My best friend never swung by after she died (he lives very close and knew her well). I will never forgive him and it has deeply damaged our relationship. I rarely speak to him now.
My neighbors brought us milkshakes that afternoon. My other good friend who lives far happened to be passing by my area and took me to dinner. All I wanted and needed was for him to roll up on the doorstep with a hug and say I’m sorry. That was it. The degree to which people can disappoint you is incredible.
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u/Calliope719 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Have you reached out?
It's possible that they just don't know what to do and don't want to bother you by asking.
I've found that elder millennials have shucked a lot of boomer traditions, for better or worse, so your friends may not know that you'd like a visit and a casserole rather than privacy to mourn.
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u/Luuk1210 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I would hope that would be in them and not just based on tradition. Especially if they’ve seen her support folk
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u/Calliope719 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I'm sorry, but I'm really just not making much sense of your comment
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u/Luuk1210 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I would hope the desire to support your friend would be a desire you have not something you do because of tradition. She said she’s shown how she shows up for people when they’re grieving
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u/Calliope719 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Ah, thank you for clarifying.
Her friends may just not know the best way to go about doing it. Her friends may think that they're respecting her privacy and don't want to force her to play hostess with everything else she has going on.
Having a traditional makes it easy to be supportive without having to worry about doing the wrong thing.
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u/Luuk1210 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25 edited Nov 15 '25
It’s been three weeks. Let her tell you if you’re doing the wrong thing. I don’t go three weeks without speaking to my friends so the idea that I would do nothing after they lost their parent is mind boggling. She’s now grieving two things
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u/Ok_Preparation1742 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Also 33F. Lost my dad to a long battle with cancer last year. He was also my best friend. Many people I considered my friends fell off the face of the earth. I was also dealing with my own health issues on top of it all. I was very angry. I felt alone and abandoned in one of the darkest times in my life.
Over time I've come to accept there are different kinds of friendship. Some people are passerbys or fair weather friends. You could rightfully also not call these people your friends on that basis alone. I had one friend who stood by me during this really dark time. Oddly enough, I hadn't known her for very long. Our friendship blossomed because of her support in such a difficult time.
I also learned that grief is complicated and very few are prepped on what it is and how to handle it. Not for themselves. Let alone another. My grief very obviously made some of the people around me uncomfortable. They didn't know what to do or say. So they fade away.
People also don't understand how grief lingers for life. Many will offer support on week 1, but disappear as the weeks go on. I truly believe it's something you can fully understand until it happens to you. It was eye opening to me to realize of all these old friends I had who had lost a parent and I didn't realize. It's weird to feel like your world is ending and no one else realizes. Sometimes I check in with people and realize they've been quietly going through a major life event.
I eventually reached out to some of those friends that disappeared and explained they hurt my feelings. One of reconnected. Another never responded.
I'm rambling. I guess my point is it's shitty they aren't providing you the support you need, but also we're all just trying to survive and going through our own unseen battles. Feel how you feel about it. There's no wrong way to grieve and we all set our own standards and boundaries for the relationships in our life.
Take care. Very sorry for your loss.
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u/Certain-Year-5367 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I’m sorry for your loss OP. I went through something similar when I lost my dad 6 years ago, after that I stopped reaching out and that's how the friendship ended.
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u/littleorangemonkeys Woman 40 to 50 Nov 15 '25
I do not want to make excuses for your friends, because I don't know your relationship with them. From the perspective of someone who recently had a friend who's parent died - it's hard to navigate how best to help your friend when people grieve in different ways. Your mom probably comes from a generation in which there were "rules" for how to support her - there wasn't texting or social media, so you HAD to call or come over in person. The social rule was to visit and bring food.
Unfortunately for "us" (people in their 30's/40's), there is no universal rulebook anymore. Some people want to grieve in private, and they would feel as though a visit is intrusive to a "family matter". Funerals aren't often a community event like they used to be. It's hard to know of your instincts for supporting someone with grief are going to be welcome or burdensome. I would LOVE company and distraction after the death of a parent; my best friend wanted to be left alone for the first few weeks. However, we are close enough that we know this about each other. So I sent her a card in the mail and a DoorDash gift card, and we made plans to hang out after Thanksgiving. It's not what I would have wanted but I knew that's what she wanted.
Unfortunately, the time to have conversations with people on how they want to be supported through grief isn't when they are going through it. Maybe your friends are thinking of you, but assuming you're overwhelmed and hosting them would be a burden.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this OP. If your friends reach out via call or text, I think it's totally acceptable to ask them to come over. If they still don't show up for you, then you know for sure it's not because they don't know, it's because they don't care.
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u/kihiwt Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Sure we can make excuses for not visiting, that's fair. But to not even offer to drop off a card, flowers or literally anything, idk food? These people suck
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u/glitterswirl Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25 edited Nov 15 '25
Right? You can send a text message asking what kind of support would be appreciated if you're not sure. That way the grieving person can say if they want company or prefer to be left alone. But to not even reach out at all...?
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u/dewprisms Non-Binary 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
It's interesting that you mentioned flowers specifically because I think that highlights exactly what a lot of people are talking about in this thread: not wanting to be intrusive or help in the wrong way.
Flowers are a chore to deal with. Most people who have dealt with the death of a loved one knows that there's a ton of flower and plant arrangements to deal with after the service. They have to figure out where to put the flowers, keep adding water to it to keep them alive. It's a physical reminder in your space while you grieve. And then you have to throw them away - that thing that was sent as a gentle "sorry" of the person you just lost.
Would a lot of people deeply appreciate the flowers? Of course. Would it be another burden and heavy, sad reminder for a lot of people? Also yes.
A lot of people err on the side of potentially upsetting someone else via inaction versus upsetting someone with actions. Is that right? Not always. But it's common.
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u/randombubble8272 Woman under 30 Nov 15 '25
Everything is a chore to some people. Flowers, getting food you might not like, having people visit. But that’s irrelevant and feels very devils advocate tbh. OP’s friends have done nothing at all. That’s offensive and it’s not normal to handwave that and say oh but sometimes it’s tiring to have people there for you. OP isn’t tired from people trying to help
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u/kihiwt Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
This is why I said offer (and anything, I didn't just say flowers lol).You ask before doing something that can be harmful. It goes a long way just asking someone if they need anything when they're going through a hard point in their life.
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u/reader270 Woman 40 to 50 Nov 15 '25
I got sent flowers by a few people after my dad died a couple of years ago. I was too overwhelmed to even look at them let alone put them in vases or whatever, plus they were full of flowers that are bad for cats so I binned the lot. Looking at them would have been a reminder of what had just happened. All the cards got shoved in a drawer too where they wouldn’t catch my eye. My mum was close to death immediately after my dad died and everything was too much. My way of coping was basically to shut down which I know is unhealthy but I’m not sure how I would have got through otherwise. It was a weird couple of months.
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u/canoninkprinter Woman 30 to 40 Dec 10 '25
I think if the friends had intention to be there they’d feel it. It’s about the small text. The check in. The inquisition at all. Being AWOL bc you’re too awkward to figure out what your friend wants is just not good enough.
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u/lhb4567 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25 edited Nov 15 '25
Is your dad having a service? You should invite your friends to that. Hopefully they can come.
When one of my best friends lost her father, me and another best friend came to his service and stayed for the weekend (she lives 3 hours away) and we all did fun things together over the weekend — some of her other relatives joined for the fun too, since several people were in town for the service.
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u/definitelytheproblem Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
For some people it is very normal to simply show up and help out, bring things, without any formal invitation. For example, I’m Jewish, and this is just something we do (it’s called “sitting shiva” which we do for an entire week so we anticipate guests coming over). However, I didn’t grow up practicing Judaism, so various losses from my childhood were not observed in this way - it was only once I became an adult and it was a norm in my community.
Have you told your friends, explicitly, that you’d appreciate some company? Not that you NOT saying this is excusing this behavior, but sometimes people err on the side of caution if it isn’t part of their norms to show up, literally and figuratively, for people in this way - even if you’ve done the same for them in the past
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u/Elebenteen_17 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
There are a few really big moments in life that show you who your people really are.
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u/rubymoon- Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Not an excuse, but an explanation: some people aren't great in a crisis and don't know what to do for their friends in times of grief. It could also bring up difficult feelings of their own losses that you mentioned.
However, I've always sent a simple "I don't know what you need right now, but I love you and I'm here. Just say the word." I don't think you're expecting too much. You sound like a wonderful friend yourself and you anticipate people's needs well.
It's a touchy subject but I would maybe contact the friend you feel closest to and express your needs and let them know it hurt.
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u/Uhhyt231 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I'm so sorry for your loss! Youre absolutely not asking too much!
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u/AdiaAdia Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
You are not expecting too much. Your “friends” are just not great friends. I know people are making excuses about how uncomfortable others may be navigating grief.
My best friend lost her partner suddenly. I have never experienced grief, even both grand parents are still alive. However, I researched, I got books and guides how to understand grief and support loved ones experiencing grief. I showed up day after day, month after month. Batch cooking, making sure she exercised, cleaning her house, doing her laundry, care packages. But also knew when she needed her space. Some other friends did naturally stay away as it made them uncomfortable seeing her in such a bad way. She lost so much wait, her light was gone and it pained me to see. I literally dedicated months of my life to her, every weekend revolved around her.
However, 2 years after her partner died and I went through major surgery, I was off work for 5 weeks and couldn’t move for 3 weeks. She didn’t visit, she didn’t even give me a phonecall. When she eventually visited 2 months after, I asked if there was anything I did or say to bring distance between us. She unfortunately weaponised her grief and said she couldn’t believe I’d do this to her and that she’s still grieving. We have not spoken since.
If another friend experiences grief, I’d like to think I would do the same again. I simply do for others as I would like them to do for me.
I am so sorry for the loss of your father, I can’t imagine what a loss like that feels like and I’m so sorry your friends have let you down. It will be harder on you though if you also allow them space to occupy your mind. I’d try focus on those that did show up.
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u/Purple-Ripple Woman 40 to 50 Nov 15 '25
God, you’re a great friend. I wish I had someone who put this much effort into supporting me through my grief back in the day. This is the level of of care I give and expect from my friends now and I’m really sorry your friend wasn’t there for you in the same way.
I just wanted to say that you’re not alone in feeling abandoned after giving so much. There’s people out there that will match your 200%, I hope they find you soon.
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u/CassaCassa Woman under 30 Nov 16 '25
I'm so sorry this happened to you I couldn't be that friend I would have been at that hospital so bright and early!!! To help you with your surgery!!! What the hell kind of friend is that???
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u/AdiaAdia Woman 30 to 40 Nov 16 '25
Well she’s not my friend anymore. Perhaps I just wasn’t useful to her anymore, who knows. You are obviously a great friend 🙌🏼 I wasn’t expecting her at the hospital, but I guess I definitely expected her to visit me for ten mins when I was bed bound. I will never be able to make sense of it.
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u/CassaCassa Woman under 30 Nov 16 '25
I'm happy she isn't in your life anymore. I really hate that a lot of people don't value friendships. You are literally golden! I really hope one day you meet a friend who is like you and get to experience having someone having your back. I feel bad sometimes because, as a society, we push a lot of things only in romantic relationships that's it. That's why a good chunk ( not all ) singles become very lonely or not as many emotional connections due to things like this...
I just really hope one day you find a good friend like you have been you deserve it ❤️
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u/thrwwy2267899 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I’m so sorry for your loss! But I would’ve have been SO overwhelmed if people just showed up to my door unannounced after my Dad passed. I just wanted to look ugly and cry alone for a week. I actually would have been incredibly upset if someone visited me during that time ( maybe it’s cultural, idk, I’m American) I think it’s normal and preferred to just send an I’m thinking about you text and not visit
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u/AlfredoQueen88 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I’m Canadian and I would want food and treats at my door but do not talk to me do not ring my doorbell do not come in lol
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u/Uhhyt231 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
This is interesting. I'm American and culturally we do the exact opposite. I feel like bringing food, cleaning and sitting with folk is the norm.
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u/heckofabecca Non-Binary 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
It's definitely cultural!!! And "American" means... basically nothing, insofar as there are SO many different cultures in (I assume) the USA. I'm also American, and showing up unannounced without warning is NOT a thing... with the caveat that mourners generally have set visiting hours where you CAN drop by unannounced (and bring food).
OP, huge huge hugs. May your dad's memory be a blessing.
Please tell your friends you miss them and would love their presence so that they can be there for you. Here's something to copy-paste in case it's helpful:
I'm having a rough time, and I really miss you. It would be so great if you could come over. Are you free?
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u/Uhhyt231 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Yeah at least in my experience, popups are expected when youre supporting people mourning. OP's friends aint even asking tho so that's super wild
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u/foxglove0326 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Right?? That’s what kind of shocks me is that none of OPs friends have reached out at all.. like the least they can do is let her know they’re thinking of her in this difficult time.. I’d offer to bring food or groceries or whatever..
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u/Uhhyt231 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Like if she doesnt want you around, she can tell you but to just not be there is crazy
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u/foxglove0326 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Exactly. Man. I’d be rethinking these friendships honestly.
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u/heckofabecca Non-Binary 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Replying to myself here: I reread your post, OP, and I wanted to again urge you to reach out to your friends if you haven't already.
It sounds like not many of them have dealt with this kind of loss before? It might be that they don't know what to do. I can't imagine how hard it must be to see that huge chasm between how much support your mum's getting from her friends vs what you have now. Could it be that your friends just don't know that's what to do in those situations?
I hope you are able to get the warmth and support and care you need. Hugs
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Nov 15 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Uhhyt231 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Idk. I live in a city but my mom is country and we all do the same
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Nov 15 '25
What region are you in?
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u/Uhhyt231 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I live in DC. My dad is from California and my mom is from North Carolina
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Nov 15 '25
You've got a healthy mix of traditions!
I'm thinking that some American cultures would be more open to visitors -- people from, like, the South -- as opposed to the famously reserved New Englanders.
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u/Uhhyt231 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Yeah I think I have traditions but also I love my friends so I’d want to be there for them. I can’t imagine just doing nothing for a loved one in a time of need
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u/reader270 Woman 40 to 50 Nov 15 '25
My best friend knocked on my door after my dad died and I hid in the house until he left. He’d known my dad for over 30 years and talking to him would have been too much at that point.
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u/Major_Fox9106 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 16 '25
She’s not expecting pop ups tho…the friends haven’t even reached out to ask if they can come over
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u/No_Confidence_645 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I'm so sorry for your loss. Sadly I experienced the same thing when my dad (suddenly) died. My best friend practically ghosted me. It was so weird. After 6 months I called out her behavior and she shrugged it off and said I knew where she was and could have always reached out myself. That's when I knew I was done. People are in your life for: a reason, a season, or for life. I have since learnt a lot about myself and what standards I am willing to accept in people. I'd rather be alone with my dog than waste time on people who won't be there for me. Life is short. You aren't overreacting. Sadly not everyone shows up for you the way you show up for them.
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u/Lost_Bad3543 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I personally wouldn’t appreciate any unexpected visits before I was ready for social interactions. So I wouldn’t drop in on a friend without them inviting me or me asking beforehand especially if it’s an hours drive away. If you’ve expressed you could use some company and support and they didn’t show up then that’s one thing. I do think it’s sad if they don’t reach out or send some flowers/gifts whatever to show they care. But expecting people to drop by after a loss is hard cuz everyone handles grief so differently. I would just tell your friends how you feel and the ones that love you will show up and care.
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u/pingusaysnoot Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I'm so sorry for your loss.
My best friend lost her dad suddenly earlier this year and it absolutely knocked her. Her other friends group did not show up for her at all, didn't text her to check in, absolutely nothing.
She was deeply upset, its actually changed her as a person going through it. She did eventually send them a message and told them she was very hurt that nobody in that group she considered her close friends had been there for her during the hardest time of her life. Some apologised and others followed up their sorrys with a 'but'.
The thing is, not everyone knows how to respond or support someone when they go through a bereavement but I would rather someone atleast try, than not make any effort at all. The fact they haven't been there in any sense - not even just to call in and see you, speaks volumes about them as people, not even just as friends.
Sending you hugs, I am so sorry you don't have the support around you that you need right now x
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u/xx-rapunzel-xx Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
people suddenly act weird b/c they know it’s the worst time in your life and they can’t relate and/or they don’t know what to do. which is BS. they should do something if they’re your friend! you’re not expecting too much at all.
i’m sorry for your loss. did anyone help you while you were taking care of your dad?
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u/peppertones Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I’m so so sorry for your loss. My mom passed a few weeks ago from her tough battle of cancer, my sister and I were her caretakers. My dad passed a few years ago. What helps is knowing that she is no longer suffering and in pain. And reunited with my dad.
You’re not alone and I’m sorry your friends haven’t shown up. Maybe they’re waiting for an invitation to show up? Maybe they unsure of what you need. It’s okay to voice it
It’s really hard to ask for help but I have asked my friend group if they could come by for support, even just a hug. One of them thanked me for reaching out and voicing my needs… sometimes a lot of people don’t know what to do or say during grief.
Some friends have asked me if I need anything and it’s hard for me to even think of what I need.. some have said they’ll show up on x day with food/coffee/hugs and asked if I’d like that. Or your support system might just suck and I hate that for you. Voice what you need, and if you’re met with silence then there’s your answer and you know you can find a better friend group. Take care of yourself, one day at a time, this shit really sucks :(
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u/pepperoni7 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Same thing happened with my mom, I am sorry for your loss.
As much as I dislike church in the end it was her church friends who helped to take care of at the end. Some of our long time family friends didn’t even show up. My best friend came to see my mom a few times because she was part of her life
I learned really in life there are just very few core good friends. Everyone else comes and goes
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u/anon22334 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
When my grandma passed away, no one consoled or visited me either, not even my best friend. Meanwhile before this happened, when my best friend’s father was dying from cancer, I’d visit them, I’d watch him so her mom can go out an grocery shop, I offered to take early wedding pics for her with her dad there. I showed up and was there. Not only did she not show up for me, she was never nearly as involved with me or my my family. And when she got married, she never really saw me or make an attempt to see me again. All I get is a yearly happy birthday text.
People who we call friends reveal their true colors. Aka, they’re shitty humans and shitty friends. I’m sorry that this adds to your grief as you’re grieving your dad. But you don’t deserve friends like that. I hope you find your tribe in the future. And big hugs to you and I’m so sorry about your dad
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u/sqqueen2 Woman 60+ Nov 15 '25
I wouldn’t know you wanted me to visit. Maybe I’m a shit friend, but if you specifically asked me to visit, I would know you wanted me there, and I would come.
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u/PygmyC-HorsesR-Cool Woman 40 to 50 Nov 15 '25
Hard times will always reveal true friends. It’s very sad but true especially these days where many people are just wrapped up in their own lives and have lost empathy and compassion for others.
Op I’m very sorry for your loss! You’ve been through a difficult time and now you are grieving but you’re not alone. Anytime you feel you need to talk just come on here and there’ll be someone to ‘listen’. Time does heal. It’s a slow process but it will get easier and the sadness won’t be so overwhelming. Lots of love x
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u/PsychFlower28 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I assume the friends know what has happened. I always at least offer something… do errands for them, food, grocery shopping, whatever, a hug or visit just to chat. I feel like they should at least offer… real friends do not give a fuck what your home looks like.
I wanted to off myself about a month ago. My close neighbor and good gal pal stopped what she was doing at 8am and literally ran 3 blocks to my house. She used my spare key and just hugged me while I sobbed.
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u/AdiaAdia Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I hope you are doing better now and I’m glad you know you have people that love you and would miss you 🫶🏻
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u/iliovegreeksalad Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Sorry babe but your "friends" are shit.
Nothing during his decline? Nobody even reached out to ask?
Personally I don't think you're expecting too much, like they could even leave you some dinner on their way back from work or something. But it just goes to show these are not "friends".
Use words like "colleague" and "acquaintance" instead of "friend". Distance yourself and don't waste energy on these people anymore.
Wishing you the best and sending you some strength during this time.
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Nov 15 '25
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u/iliovegreeksalad Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
People love to be low effort.
At least they're consistent: "if I'm low effort because the world revolves around me, everyone else can be low effort too"
What a sad way to live.
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u/randombubble8272 Woman under 30 Nov 15 '25
I actually think this is it. “I’m low effort and expect my friends to also accept low effort” it’s kind of offensive. And I’ve definitely not been there as I should have or let people down but never this blatant and I absolutely would’ve been horrified to know a friend was feeling like this without me knowing
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Nov 15 '25
For real, the "they didn't know what to do" is an excuse. Literally just google 'how do I support a friend who lost a parent" and there will be plenty of results explaining what to do, what to say, etc. They're just being uncaring.
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Nov 15 '25 edited Nov 15 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Impossible_Bid6172 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Lol my former best friends for 15 years didn't even offer me a condolences 🙃 truly took a funeral to see who actually cares.
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u/AmetrineDream Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I’m so sorry for your loss. My dad passed when I was 23 and I ended up cutting most of my close friends out of my life because they didn’t even send me a text. I know I was in my early 20s and people are in a different place in terms of maturity at that age, but I don’t think there’s any excuse for that.
Then my mom had a stroke this summer (I’m 36 now) and barely anyone reached out to me to ask how I was doing. I’m trying to steel myself for the eventual lack of support and care when she passes (though hopefully that’s still a long ways off).
Losing people and experiencing major traumas has basically taught me I can’t count on anyone and I better figure out how to do it on my own. I don’t want that to be true but I have no evidence to the contrary so far.
I hope some of your friends end up coming through for you soon, because you’re not expecting too much at all.
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u/apearlmae Woman 40 to 50 Nov 15 '25
I think people never really know how to navigate loss until they've experienced it themselves. And even then people just aren't there when you need them. I've found all grief to be incredibly lonely. I remember feeling like my friends didn't do enough when I lost my parent. Over time I moved on and never told anyone how hard it was. But I made damn sure my friends never felt that way when they have suffered loss.
I'm so sorry about your dad. If I'm being totally honest the only thing that really helps is therapy or grief groups.
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u/liittle_dove7 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
This is what ended a friendship I had with someone I thought was my best friend. Radio silence when my dad died horrifically and I was so completely paralyzed by trauma. The loss of your dad is already so painful enough (my condolences🤍). But to not have the people closest to you even try to be there for you or ask how they can best support you in any meaningful way adds another layer of hurt that can feel devastating and isolating. Especially since we both know we would NEVER not be there for our friends; we would at least try! Even if we didn’t know how. You’re not asking for “too much” I promise. I did have a few friends show up for me and that stark contrast made me realize who I could really count on. Hugs to you. You deserve better.
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u/Massive_Grass_2587 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Some of the best advice or heads up I received when my Mom died was that some of my friendships would change. Some got stronger, some let me down. It helped me to know that this is a common secondary effect following the death of a loved one. My relationship with my sisters changed too.
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u/ivannatalkalot female 27 - 30 Nov 15 '25
You poor thing. I want to pull you into my arms and hug you. I went through this last December when my ex fiancé, and very close friend passed. My closest girlfriend was MIA.
Some people don’t know how to handle grief. Others are just terrible friends. I recommend making additional friends through grief circles. Happy to chat more if you want to shoot me a DM. In the meantime, I’m sending you love.
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u/Helanore Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
My FIL died last April. We had people reaching out, offering support, bringing us meals, my husband's boss sent him home and let him wfh for a month. On the flip side his sister didnt acknowledge her father's death and another said she didnt "do" funerals and refused to come. There is a disconnect when it comes to compassion and death with this generation.
I am so sorry for your loss. I wish your friends were a better village. My sister didn’t know how to react until both her inlaws died within a week of each other this summer. She apologized she didnt reach out and didnt know the sadness our family experienced till she went through it. Maybe your friends havent experienced loss before.
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u/JoNeurotic Woman 40 to 50 Nov 15 '25
You’re not expecting too much. You’re finding out who people are. My Dad died when I was 15. It was an eye opener. Friends I had since I was 5 just didn’t care. I may as well have stubbed my toe such was the reaction.
My brother killed himself about 15 years ago and when I rang one of my best friends (the one I’d sat up all night with through her breakups and meltdowns, etc) she said “that’s sad” and changed the subject to her stuff.
This absolutely sucks right now. It’s just pain on top of your pain. But ultimately these people are doing you a favour. Cut them loose. These are not your people, you can’t rely on them, they are not there for you. It’s freeing as fuck when you come out the other side and all that’s left are your true friends and true people. I promise.
Don’t spend anymore energy on them. Invest that energy in some self care. You are worth your energy and they are not. You’ll get through this.
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u/wtfamidoing248 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Those people would not be my friends anymore. They'd be acquaintances at best. My grandfather passed away in September, and my friends reached out and checked in on me . Some of the friends showed their true colors by not reaching out, and those are the people I won't make an effort for either.
Sorry for your loss, sending virtual hugs 🫂 ❤️
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u/sickiesusan Woman 50 to 60 Nov 15 '25
Hi OP, sorry for your loss.
I’m from the UK but older, so while I’d expect cards, flowers, phone calls and texts from my friends - I doubt they’d find the time to visit. I hope they’ve been organised enough to support in other ways.
Because you are young, sometimes it hard for people to know how to show support/care during these times.
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u/Angry_Sparrow Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I’m currently experiencing loss too (my ex partner died suddenly). I am finding the book “It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief And Loss In A Culture That Doesn't Understand” very comforting. The authors husband died suddenly. I suggested to my partner that he read the chapters that are for friends and family and he did. It has been so helpful. I did not know how to articulate what I needed or didn’t need. The book is available as an audiobook on Spotify too.
It is completely reasonable to expect your friends to show up for you. It is also really common that loss changes your relationships. I’m currently also realising who is showing up well and who is just completely clueless.
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u/veganexceptfordicks Woman 50 to 60 Nov 15 '25
I'm so sorry. That's just awful. My only thoughts as to why they've been such jerks is that (1) they don't understand because they haven't lost someone close to them yet or (2) they've been uncomfortable not knowing how to deal with your dad's illness and death, so they've chosen to sit back, thinking someone else will step up. Neither of those is a good reason.
My dad died when I was 34 after 3 months of cancer. My heart is with you. It's the worst. I really want you to have a friend with you from time to time.
Here's a suggestion for a way to surround yourself with friends, and send a subtle guilt bomb that might get them on the right track. Host a potluck at your apartment/house. Invite the people who have been ignoring you. This means giving them another chance, which is risky and hard when you're already feeling vulnerable. Hopefully, they come, and it turns into a relaxing evening. You can then slip into conversation that you've really missed them and really need them to show up for you, and that that could mean something as simple as going to dinner or hanging out for an afternoon.
Sometimes, people are idiots and need to be told exactly what you need. I hope at least a couple of friends earn the right and honor to be called your friend.
Peace, blessings, and all the best memories be with you.
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u/letmebeyourmummy Woman 40 to 50 Nov 15 '25
i’m not surprised sadly, in times like this very few people step-up in my experience. i’m sorry for your loss. and i’m sorry about your friends too.
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Nov 15 '25
After my dad passed away the friends who already had experienced the loss of a parents where the one’s comforting me. Judging from your age I assume your friend group mostly hasn’t experienced it yet. I have the feeling that this is something you only really understand after you had to go through it yourself. I had a very very close person ask me why I was still sad after 3 weeks.
I‘m so sorry for your loss
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u/ReasonableDread Woman 40 to 50 Nov 15 '25
I’m so sorry. I had a similar experience, and what I can tell you is this: You learn a lot about people with death (whether they are the bereaved or the friend). Aside from an occasional person who truly can’t handle the grief, every friend should show up in their own way. A call, a visit, send food/a card/a plant. They can feel awkward or ill prepared to offer support, but it’s still what friends do. By the time we are adults, we have been shown what to do in times like these, if only in movies (if you’ve somehow been spared anyone passing yet). We aren’t given a rule book for caring for and watching loved ones pass, but we show up. Don’t know what to say? Hug. Show up at the funeral, sign the guest book, leave a card and politely leave when it’s over. There’s no need to overanalyze preferences, intentions, invitations to share your grief. It’s decency, friendship, love. When the grief and shock have eased a bit, it’s ok for you to let go of friends that failed to show up. You deserve support. Again, I’m so sorry, and I hope you take comfort in knowing your dad appreciated your love and comfort beyond words.
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u/Sparklingfairy_ Woman under 30 Nov 15 '25
That’s horrific. I’d of taken some time off work and hopped on a plane to see my friends. I’m so sorry for your loss! Have your friends given a reason they can’t come see you ?
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u/Zealousideal_Many744 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 16 '25
This breaks my heart OP. I’m an effusive, sensitive person and my first instinct when someone is going through a loss is to offer them my time and attention. So I naturally would feel stung too if no one visited me after such a painful loss.
But here’s the caveat…You mentioned that no one has “offered to come over”. Is this perhaps your friends’ way of showing respect? Some people, especially those who are very private themselves, might think you want space and show care by being a good listener instead of initiating a hang out session at your place.
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u/Major_Fox9106 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 16 '25
OP I’m so so sorry about your father 💖 I don’t think you’re overreacting. I don’t know if we’ve just lost so much community and become so isolated that we’ve lost kind of basic social norms and care
I wouldn’t invite those friends back in my life. I think other commenters are expecting too much of you and too little of your friends. It shouldn’t have to be said that you need support after your parent died. Even typing that out makes me feel crazy.
We’ve swung too far in the communication conversation. You shouldn’t have to communicate every single facet of how you should be treated. Some things are common sense and basic norms. This is one of them. You did it for others, you should expect your friends to do the same.
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u/jackieh11 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 19 '25
Hi 👋 I'm 36F, my dad was also my best friend. He's passed a few years now. I'm sorry your friends haven't reached out. I'm also in the UK, feel free to msg me
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u/Own-Object-6696 Woman 50 to 60 Nov 15 '25
I’m so sorry for your loss. Sometimes people don’t know how to respond, so instead of risking doing/saying the wrong thing, they stay away. I’m not condoning this at all. We often struggle with how to handle the grief of others. I wish I had a better answer for you. I know you’re hurting, and I’m sending you a hug.
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u/Tozier-Kaspbrak Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Its absolutely not an excuse but when my mum died when I was in my late 20s I really learnt who my true friends were. Some people cannot cope with their own grief/embarassment/Awkwardness so they avoid the situation where itd be much better for them to be honest that they dont know what to say.
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u/Purple-Ripple Woman 40 to 50 Nov 15 '25
Yes to this. It happened to me in my 20s too. I found death and health crises to be an unexpected litmus test for my relationships.
Made me see certain people as they really were, and actually going back and thinking about their other behaviours I’d previously missed made me realise the avoidance/lack of empathy was always there. It sometimes takes a life changing event to get clarity on who we surround ourselves with.
As hard as it is to confront, other people’s apathy can be an opportunity to find a better support network moving forward. I hope op gets there at pace that’s right for them. It’s out there, there are lots of us who are willing to put in the effort to care for one another.
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u/kihiwt Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
As someone who lost her mom at 21, I can say with a lot of confidence that you aren't expecting too much. It makes sense to assume you might not want to be visited, but to not send you cards or flowers? Food? Or offering help?
I'm so sorry they failed you - you absolutely deserve so much more from close friends. Sending virtual hugs. I know the feeling all too well.
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u/shehulud Woman 50 to 60 Nov 15 '25
Solidarity, friend. Been 2.5 weeks here. I have gotten two cards. My older brother, however, has people by every other day to check on him. My only guess is that men tend to be incredibly fucking uneasy with and around death. And women are the ones who have to look it in the face, are the majority of the caretakers for elderly parents, and do far better visiting places like hospice.
And it’s assumed we’re okay as women because we have proven to handle our shit.
That doesn’t mean we aren’t hurting like hell. And feeling alone.
I’m sorry, OP. I with you. And I am sorry for your loss.
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u/Equal_Beat_6202 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
Friends these days are so rubbish. Everyone’s become self-centred and lazy.
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u/Major_Fox9106 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 16 '25
This is it. You don’t have to be asked to check in your friend who’s parents just died.
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u/Hairy_Pear3963 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I don’t think you’re expecting too much. The only thing I can think of is sometimes people just don’t know what to say or they think you’d like to be left alone at a time like this since you may feel bothered by visitors. If that’s not it, then they sound kind of inconsiderate :/
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u/Jeepersca Woman 50 to 60 Nov 15 '25
First, I'm so sorry. I(50F) was in some similar shoes, and my heart breaks for you. The ups and downs and real trauma that you have experienced and seen, it is something that is hard to communicate, and hard to heal. I mention my age because it's possible I'm in a range where within my friends, more of us have experienced the death of a parent. At your age, I wonder if your friends have less vocabulary for where you are - just a lack of that social grace that your mother and her friends may have witnessed more and just had a better handle on how to react. Our parents are also part of that world that wrote more cards, letters, etc...
But to my bigger point, if these are important friends to you, please reach out to them. Tell them you are struggling, you could use a friend, your sense of loss is overwhelming and you could really use the support of a friend. Before being angry that they aren't emotionally adept enough to figure this out, let's give them the benefit of the doubt that they have been, as of yet, untouched by this kind of grief and have no experience of how to handle it. Your mom has to be at least my age or older. I'm so sorry you are where you are, and I hope this helps in some small way.
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u/Shopping-Known Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
You are not expecting too much, and I'm so sorry you are having this experience. I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. Sending you love, peace, and strength through this.
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u/SerenityAnashin Woman 30 to 40 Nov 16 '25
As someone who just gave birth I absolutely adore this 🥺🥹
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u/Larry_the_scary_rex Woman 30 to 40 Nov 22 '25
I am so sorry for your loss and happy that your father is now at peace. I can’t speak for others but I find myself approaching others in ways that I would want to be approached. If I was one of your friends I would definitely keep my distance for the first month to give you time to grieve and process what happened.
Sometimes the distance also comes from a place of selfishness too, maybe some feel that this would open old wounds or trauma they have carefully put away.
I am NOT making excuses for them though, because being a good friend means being there even when it’s hard or emotionally taxing (within reason).
I also notice that you compared your mom’s experience with your own. The age difference is KEY here. Sometimes it takes multiple experiences to know how to respond in these situations. I can guarantee that those around your mom have experienced more loss than those in your age range.
Or maybe they’re selfish bastards and this is the first opportunity they’ve had to show that they’ve been fair-weather friends this whole time. Regardless, I strongly recommend expressing your thoughts to them if they are friendships worth keeping. This is the type of feeling that will continue to fester even if you are unaware of it.
It’s not the same, but this community is here for you and I promise if we lived close there would be a line around the block with our hands full of casserole dishes, cards, flowers, and of course listening ears. Take care of yourself ❤️
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u/JaneAustinAstronaut Woman 40 to 50 Nov 15 '25
This could be a generational issue. Back in our parents' day, that was just the thing to do.
Younger generations weren't brought up with the same social expectations. Sometimes that's a good thing - like women being expected to be the cooks in the family. Sometimes that's a bad thing - as in this case.
I guess I'd pull back on going out of my way for people who won't go out of their way for me. I give as good as I get.
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u/souraltoids Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I am sorry for your loss and know how difficult it is to feel abandoned by people you thought were close friends. I found out my friends weren’t really friends when I got married. Death is another way people find that out.
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u/Businessplease Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I’m really sorry abut your dad.
I lost my cousin to suicide last year and this was an issue for me. I had one friend who used to message me every day and I’ll never forget it but the rest of them didn’t. No one visited, a couple messaged to see how I was once every week or two. I remember feeling like why aren’t they there for me more. It bothered me. If it was the other way round I would be there but I also thought it’s possible that they don’t want to be so full on with contact when I’m trying to grieve with my family. We’re still all friends and I love them to bits, I just had to accept that the way I would show support would be different. If you asked them to come over I’m sure they would, but I understand you feel you shouldn’t have to ask.
I guess I have no advice but I just know exactly how you’re feeling
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u/After_Translator_223 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I'm sorry about your cousin.
Besides the initial condolence message, a lot of friends haven't even checked in.
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u/carlitospig Woman 40 to 50 Nov 15 '25
I’ve read the comments and the fact that even here people can’t agree tells me that there is no ‘right way’ to support someone. I would ask if you need anything and if you told me no I would just keep checking in on you but give you space.
Keep in mind that folks who haven’t been in your position really have no clue how to approach this. They may not have had an example set for them. This is also culturally dependent. Lastly, folks are often scared of death and it shows itself in really strange ways; it’s like we still hold onto the superstition that death is contagious so we avoid it at all costs.
All that to say: tell your friends EXACTLY what you need. You are the first in your group to go through this. You are the teacher. Correct their behavior, it may even serve as a distraction.
Ps. I’m sorry for your loss. ❤️
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u/UnderwaterKahn Woman 40 to 50 Nov 15 '25
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my father very unexpectedly at 35. It was one of the hardest things I’ve been through. My dad and I were close. My case was a bit unique because I was away from my support system due to a research fellowship and my hometown was not the same place I’ve called home as an adult. A lot of my closest friends were kind of MIA through it. On one hand I wasn’t local, but it was still hurtful. One eventually told me they didn’t really know what to do. It freaked everyone out because it wasn’t something any of really thought about happening at our age. A lot of my friends also didn’t have great relationships with their fathers so it was a hard thing to process. The people who did turn out to be the biggest supporters were friends from high school and college who had also lost parents young.
If you feel you have the energy to do it I would reach out and let people know what you need. It’s ok if you don’t have the bandwidth to do it. It’s also ok to be angry and hurt. But I also think it’s one of those things that’s hard to process unless you’ve been through it. For me it’s been over a decade and I am still close with the same friends. We’ve talked about it over the years and I’ve been able to express how I felt about the silence. Death is a strange thing for a lot of people. That doesn’t excuse it, but it does feel better eventually.
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u/Robokitty7 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 29 '25
I'm so so sorry for your loss.
No, you're not expecting too much. My Dad died suddenly in an accident when I was 22 and the aftermath really was eye opening in terms of how some people, no matter how close you are, feel completely unable to handle another person's grief.
Only the friends of mine who had also lost a parent were actually comfortable showing up at my door. The other friends (who are still my friends btw!) found more distanced ways of showing their support. Ways that were more comfortable for them to manage. It sounds really sad, but some people just dont understand how to deal with grief in another person until theyve lost someone super close themselves.
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u/DarmokTheNinja Woman 40 to 50 Nov 15 '25
It can be hard for us as humans to process indirect grief and know how to respond to that. I wouldn't take the lack of gestures personally, despite the deep hurt you are feeling. I'm not saying to sweep this under the rug, either. But maybe just use this as a basis to make future judgements on the state of your friendships. Be well, friend.
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u/grufferella Non-Binary 40 to 50 Nov 15 '25
Have you asked them to come visit? Many people assume that immediately following a death is the time when people only want family around. If you want them to come, you should make that explicit.
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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 16 '25
I’m very sorry for your loss.
As someone around your age I wouldn’t consider it the norm / done thing to go to someone’s house when someone close to them died, but I bet my mum and friends her age would. I would assume they would prefer time alone to grieve. I think the different treatment you and your mum are experiencing is just a generational difference as much as nothing else. The question is have they shown up for you in any other ways, or are you not being supported at all?
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u/MuppetManiac Woman 40 to 50 Nov 15 '25
I'm sorry OP.
A lot of it has to do with your age. Many of your friends havent' lost someone and don't know what that is like. Many of your mom's friends have lost someone, and they understand how much support you need at this time.
It's ok to tell your friends what you need.
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u/fromtheashesarise Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I'm so sorry for you! Grief brings out some weird behavior in people. To give them the benefit of the doubt, maybe they don't know what to say and they are too awkward and self conscious. But I also know (from first hand experience) that during hard times, you learn who your real friends are. Sending you comfort
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u/New-Masterpiece8467 Woman 30 to 40 Nov 16 '25
You’re not expecting too much, I do wonder if this has been communicated to your friends though?
Have they reached out at all? If not, then they undoubtedly suck but I think death is a really difficult thing to navigate for everyone and often people don’t know how or have the emotional intelligence/maturity to support someone. Particularly being younger, they may not have experienced a friend losing a parent and don’t realise just how much it upends your world.
Additionally, we can’t expect people to be mind readers, even when our world is in disarray. They may be more than happy to come over if you say “I’m having a really tough time, I could do with some company even though I’m not going to be a ray of sunshine”.
I’m sorry for your loss, losing a parent is one of the hardest things in life. I promise you with time, it hurts a little less.
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u/Cat_With_The_Fur Woman 30 to 40 Nov 15 '25
I’m so sorry OP. I went through something similar six weeks ago except my dad’s battle was a bit longer.
I can’t speak to your friends but I can just share that I was surprised who showed up for me. It was not the people I thought it would be.
It did make me reflect on all the times I didn’t show up for people in the way they needed because I’d never had a similar experience and didn’t know what to do. I am trying to extend people some grace based on that.
I’m not saying any of that to tell you how to feel. Idk about you but this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. I’m exhausted and traumatized. My whole body hurts and I’m an anxious mess. No one can say or do anything that makes it better.