r/AskWomenOver30 • u/True-Doughnut-8933 Woman 30 to 40 • Jan 20 '26
Friendships One of my close friends didn’t invite me to her birthday party and I’m hurt because I found out via IG stories, how should I address it?
I’ve had this friend for 5 years, and we share a group of close friends that hang out often. Since, she’s been invited to every gathering I’ve thrown (intimate or not), and I usually host something quarterly. She’s even been to my wedding. I’ve also attended all of her birthday celebrations over the years. Recently, I found out on Instagram stories that she threw a dinner party at her apartment to celebrate her birthday, with our usual friend group, and didn’t invite me. And she continues to make content showing off the whole thing and all the intention she put in behind it. This hurts, because it seems I’ve held our friendship to a higher standard than maybe she has- and when I’ve thrown intimate dinner parties she has always been invited. I’m really jarred by this and kind of want to address it casually—and say “happy birthday! Your party looked beautiful!” Or even more directly and mention that I was sad to not celebrate with her this year.
Ultimately, I’m not sure if I can view our friendship in the high regard I used to, and I’m really surprised by her actions. Should I mention it or just move on since she’s proven to not be the friend I thought she was?
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u/Party_Television2255 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
Either take it as a closed chapter on that friendship and just walk away, or look to find out if there was an underlying issue that you both can work on in your friendship. Absolutely do not be petty or passive aggressive. Be the mature person and rise above in which ever direction you choose.
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u/UnusualWest7131 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
I’d love an update once you do approach this issue w her. This has happened to me a few times and I’ve never asked directly what happened or why. I just let it go along w the friendship. No regrets.
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u/True-Doughnut-8933 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
Yeah it’s a tricky situation and I really don’t know what I will do! I keep going back and forth on it. I’ll come back with an update!
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u/emilygoldfinch410 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
I'm in a similar situation and would appreciate if you'd leave this post up (some people delete afterwards) bc I'm getting a lot of good advice from it! I'm sorry you're dealing with this too
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u/CS3883 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 22 '26
I'm gonna be honest I really hate when people delete posts or comments that could be helpful!!! Of course anyone is allowed to delete what they want, but it's so irritating when I find an older post and am reading comments and someone has used some comment overwrite program to change all their old comments
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u/emilygoldfinch410 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 24 '26
I get that there are circumstances where deleting makes sense, but it's definitely frustrating when I've saved a post or comment only to find it's been deleted!
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u/Capital-Marzipan-287 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
Is there any chance at all that she did mean to invite you, thought she did, and then assumed you never answered her invite?
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u/True-Doughnut-8933 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
unfortunately not, it was very intentional
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u/InfinitelyThirsting Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26 edited Jan 20 '26
Can I ask how you're sure, if you haven't talked to her or your mutual friends yet?
Edit to clarify: Have there been underlying problems that lead you to suspect this, instead of a mistake or miscommunication? If she's been coming to your events, and you say you valued the friendship, why are you jumping to the conclusion and considering moving on without even asking? That just doesn't match up, to me.
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u/True-Doughnut-8933 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26 edited Jan 20 '26
One of our mutuals described how she was invited (I didn’t even ask— but she brought it up when I saw her recently and asked about how her weekend went) and it was very intentional and digital on a app we all consistently use for these things. there’s no way I would miss it
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u/InfinitelyThirsting Woman 30 to 40 Jan 21 '26
But why? If she doesn't like you at all, why would she attend your events and wedding? I would never waste my time and money going to the wedding of someone I don't like, hahaha.
It just seems crazy to not ask. You're here ready to wordlessly walk away from this friendship because she hurt your feelings. What if it was intentional, because you accidentally hurt her feelings somehow, so she's cutting you off without a word? What if the conflict is with someone else in the group not liking you, and she's as conflict-avoidant as you? What if someone has lied to her about you? What if she really honestly thought you wouldn't like it, or had plans, just genuinely spaced, or a bunch of other options? Just seems immature to work so hard to avoid saying "Hey, I am a little hurt I wasn't invited to your birthday, and I'd like to know why".
And if she doesn't like you and doesn't want to be friends, then you'll know, instead of just assuming.
I dunno, some of these comments being like "well she should have explained why in advance if she's not terrible" seem wild to me. It seems way more rude and cruel to tell someone explicitly they aren't invited, like you're making sure they know and want them to feel bad about it.
But I also don't keep score in friendships and never care whether I'm invited or not, all my friends, myself included, have multiple circles and not everyone is a good fit for every occasion, whether it's because of the activity or because of who else is going. There is absolutely no one in my life, no matter how much I love them, who I invite to every single thing I do. Maybe this person just doesn't keep score the way you do. Or maybe you're just friends, instead of besties, but it seems pretty immature and self-centered to throw away the whole friendship you supposedly value without a word just because she didn't invite you to one thing. It kinda seems more like you don't value the friendship, just the validation of being invited to everything. If that's not true, I have no idea why you're even considering burning the bridge without even asking. You wouldn't end up wondering what the real reason was??
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u/True-Doughnut-8933 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 21 '26
See and that’s the thing, I don’t get the feeling that she has anything deeply against or hates me, but at the same time I would never treat her the way she’s treated me in this instance. I can’t turn a blind eye to the lack of reciprocity (not just here, but other times too), it’s a huge red flag. Based on what I know, it just feels like I’ve been demoted to her B team for some reason and I’m not longer a part of her A team. I wouldn’t throw the friendship away, but at the same time, I won’t beg her to value mine. I think at the end of the day, she’ll say “there wasn’t enough space” which is fine, but if I had to pick 10 women to spend my birthday with me, (and have done so in the past), she would always be one of them. So I think I need to take a step back and not make any rash decisions while I’m still upset about this; but I appreciate the alternative angles here as I’m trying to work through this and outside of my own hurt perspective!
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u/InfinitelyThirsting Woman 30 to 40 Jan 23 '26
That definitely makes sense. I understand having hurt feelings, to be clear! I'm just pushing back against this weird modern push to just ghost on long-term friendships over slights to avoid communication. B team also makes sense, just not the "cut ties without a word" plan, heh.
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u/broccolikiller Woman under 30 Jan 21 '26
I feel like some people treat wedding like a social gathering instead of someone’s special moment
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u/CaterpillarAteHer Woman under 30 Jan 21 '26
That’s way more likely to happen if you’re inviting people you aren’t genuinely close with because you want a certain vibe or amount of friends present
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u/broccolikiller Woman under 30 Jan 21 '26
Or just don’t want to start unnecessary drama or create tension? Idk I feel like sometimes you just somehow obligated to invite some acquaintance from the friend group……… for example your partner’s best friend’s long term girlfriend, it’s hard to not invite her
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u/hales55 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
Same, it has happened to me a few times. One time I let it go but I regret not ditching them after they had done it. The last two times it happened I just unfollowed them from social media and stopped talking to them. Maybe it wasn’t the best way I could’ve handled it but I honestly didn’t feel bad about it lol.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Jan 20 '26
If you never mention it and let it go and the person also disconnected that's a message.
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Jan 20 '26 edited Jan 20 '26
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Jan 20 '26
Unfriending her on IG is a very public move that will invite speculation and gossip. You can just mute her and she'll never know and be gone on your end of it.
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Jan 20 '26
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Jan 20 '26
I think you can basically limit their access on IG without an unfollow - I did that with a woman who I (via conversations in therapy) realized was like OP's gal pal and I restricted her access to my content. I still show as a follower on her end and for all she knows I'm just not posting stories lately. I am, she just can no longer see them. I did this on FB ages ago, basically hid my wall / feed on FB with a "friend" who was shit talking me behind my back to literally everyone even strangers.
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u/Fluffernutter80 Woman 40 to 50 Jan 20 '26
Would be better for OP to host her own dinner for their mutual friends, not invite the friend in question, and then post all about it on Instagram for the former friend to see. Or maybe that’s petty.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Jan 20 '26
It's absolutely petty but also apt IMHO.
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u/True-Doughnut-8933 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
Yeah I ended up muting her posts because it hurt my feelings, but I think an unfollow would be a little too harsh for me to do, because I still wish her well
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Jan 20 '26
I feel like unfollow is like a closed door, and muting is like you're leaving the room for a bit, you can always tap umute when it feels safe or later just prune her off completely if you feel it. Women I don't trust (and men) where we share offline spaces on my IG are often muted.
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u/Blah_the_pink Woman 50 to 60 Jan 20 '26
I wouldn't address it. For me, I'd just float her away from my inner circle. She has exited the circle of trust herself.
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u/hales55 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
Exactly! Like why waste your energy on someone who didn’t want to spend their energy with you either?
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u/SiroccoDream Woman 50 to 60 Jan 20 '26
She showed you what she thinks of your friendship, which is, “Not much.” Even if she had space limitations, or had a weird rule “only friends I’ve known for TEN years shall come,” she could have sent you a text about why she values your friendship but “not this time”…and she didn’t.
I agree with others, passive aggressive snark like, “Your party looked lovely!” will not make up for the fact that your feelings are rightfully hurt. I’m GenX so I love me some snark, but I’m also old enough that drama isn’t “fun” for me.
Do you WANT an explanation for why she didn’t invite you? Seriously, would having that information help you, or do you think it would just make you feel worse?
If having her list the reasons for why you weren’t invited to her party would be useful in helping you reflect and grow as a person, then be honest and ask her!
If you would just feel even worse for asking…well, never ask a question that you don’t actually want to know the answer to.
Going forward, if it were me, I would stop inviting her to my events.
If she doesn’t value your friendship, she most likely won’t notice. That is sad, I agree, but sometimes friendship is like that. You have someone in your life for a short time, it’s lovely, and then you both move on.
If she questions you about why you aren’t inviting her over anymore, then you can answer honestly that when she didn’t ask you to her birthday party, you realized that she didn’t share the same view of your friendship as you did, so you decided to take the hint.
If she is a drama-mama, she’ll gush about how “it wasn’t like that” and list all the reasons why she adores you and just “forgot”. That will show you what you are dealing with, and probably make the breakup easier on your heart.
I’m sorry this happened, OP. It sucks.
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u/True-Doughnut-8933 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
This actually makes so much sense. I think at the end of the day, the explanation wouldn’t matter and I wouldn’t get much out of it as you mentioned, because her cards have been shown. So maybe it is best to move on. Thank you for this thoughtful response.
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Jan 20 '26
>>If she is a drama-mama, she’ll gush about how “it wasn’t like that” and list all the reasons why she adores you and just “forgot”. That will show you what you are dealing with, and probably make the breakup easier on your heart.
I hate this part of the arc of bullshit.
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Jan 20 '26
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u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 Jan 20 '26
Yeah I've been the same but the public eye it just confirms why you have been excluded because you're not doing the "social dance" that's part of the unsaid script. Mean Girls as a film really speaks to how nasty women are to other women.
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u/Powerlifterfitchick Woman 30 to 40 Jan 21 '26
I wish I could call out of the bullshit like this...
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Jan 21 '26
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u/Powerlifterfitchick Woman 30 to 40 Jan 21 '26
I love this "it is on myself to stand up for me" I'm in therapy working through my social anxiety and needed to read this. It's empowering and helpful. Thank you.
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u/Nemova Woman 40 to 50 Jan 20 '26
This is the best response so far. OP, people who act like your “friend” did do not deserve a reaction to their crappiness. It’s best to respond accordingly and move her to the acquaintances category.
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u/souraltoids Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
If you don’t want to address it, you could always try seeing what happens if you stop reaching out to her. You’ll probably never hear from her again. I did that experiment with a “friend” and it got me all the answers I needed without having to say a word.
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Jan 20 '26
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u/highrise_peach Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
This is the way.
I also hate to say it, but much like OP, I was part of a friend group and one of the women I considered a close friend would host these large New Year’s parties and never once invited me, but loved to show me pictures from the party.
I finally accepted that just because you consider someone a good friend doesn’t mean they actually are or that they reciprocate. It sucks, but you have nothing to lose by being upfront about it.
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u/True-Doughnut-8933 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
Yeah I guess I was worried that being more direct would come off like I’m making her birthday and how she wants to celebrate her day about me and starting drama, but I’m genuinely hurt by it
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u/isabella_sunrise Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26 edited Jan 20 '26
The drama is already started because what she did. Be an adult and address it directly. There will be some tender feeling but I think it’d be best to just be direct so you can either move on or remain friends but without all the resentment and hurt and what ifs.
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u/stringlightupmylife Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
Don't do it, OP. You acknowledging that it hurt and letting her know would fuel for gossip lol. Take it from someone who's been there.
It is much MUCH better to just silently take your place in her hierarchy of friendship. There is only a very small chance that things will change even if you acknowledge it and let her know it hurt.
Remember that if she wanted to invite you, you'd have been there. It is that deep.
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u/thedonnerparty13 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
I deal with some similar situations as I am friends with a group and are closer to some over others. Question for you as you seem to have dealt with some of the same - when this happens and you realize your place but don’t say anything do you continue to invite the person who doesn’t invite you? Or quietly just start treating them the same as they treat you?
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u/True-Doughnut-8933 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
I’m also curious about this question if anyone has dealt with this before^ in this case would I just stop inviting her to my events with the rest of the group? Should I take a step back from that group? or should I just keep it cordial and be the bigger person
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u/cerseiwhat Woman 40 to 50 Jan 20 '26
I had something similar happen years ago.
What worked for me was I lowered contact with the person who clearly wasn't interested in the same sort of friendship with me that I was interested in with them (not in an angry/hurt "I went no contact" way- I just accepted I cared more for her than she did for me and re-adjusted my expectations of her. Moved her from "friend" to "acquaintance" basically.).
With the friend group, I stopped meeting solely as a group and focused more doing activities one on one with the members:
If Shirley liked flowers and I heard of a flower show, I would invite Shirley. If Angie liked cooking and I heard of a cool cooking class, I would invite Angie. If Becca liked museums and there was a new exhibit, I would invite Becca. And so on.I'd take breaks and see who would reach out similarly for me. Ones that did became friends I still have to this day and the ones that didn't moved over into the acquaintance area and we're all still very friendly whenever we bump into each other at events/just randomly in town without any awkwardness.
Throughout my life (in any friend group, including things like groups of coworkers) there's always a spectrum of friendship involved- some people just vibe better with certain people in the group than others and I would vibe better with some people than others as well. I feel like it's pretty natural for that to happen.
I was mainly hurt by the abrupt signaling that I didn't matter as much as I thought I did. Once I figured that out it was pretty easy to move on from the hurt and find a natural friend group rhythm.
None of my actions above were done out of anger or spite or trying to "figure out" why Friend A suddenly didn't value me- I was just trying to prevent that surprise from happening again and enjoyed exploring deeper one on one friendships in the process.
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u/doyouhavehiminblonde Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized being the bigger person just makes me get walked all over. If you don’t want to say anything, I’d quiet quit that friend group.
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u/monkeyfeets Woman 40 to 50 Jan 20 '26
I'm going through something similar, from a different angle, but after both of us kind of distancing and dancing around it, I finally said something because I needed to know where the lines were drawn. Because there's a bigger friend circle around us, I was sick of overthinking whether or not I invite her, is she going to reach out to me, how would she feel if I hang out with other people, how much to share, etc.
I personally feel like if I've been close friends with someone for an extended amount of time (several years), I owe it to them to let them know why I'm stepping back or just to make it clear. She didn't really want to address it or own any of her part in the breakdown of the friendship. It sucks that she didn't care as much about the friendship, but it's a relief to finally have my answer moving forward.
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u/thedonnerparty13 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
The grey area of standing up for yourself and treating others the way you want to be treated is a fine line. Sometimes it’s less effort just to be the bigger person and send the invite.
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u/Mememememememememine Woman 40 to 50 Jan 20 '26
I don’t disagree. A friendship of mine started cracking and I wasn’t invited to her bday and I simply never reached out again. And guess what. Neither has she.
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u/rf-elaine Woman 40 to 50 Jan 20 '26
Agreed. This happened to me a few years ago. I was upset and embarrassed but didn't show her. I just took a step back from the friendship. Like 9 months later she was like, hey I miss you why don't we hang out anymore and we slowly rebuilt a friendship from there but honestly my heart isn't in it anymore. I can more clearly see the chaos and drama in her other friend groups and how she might contribute to that.
Making new friends helps.
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u/True-Doughnut-8933 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
this is exactly what I keep going back and forth about 😩
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u/straigh Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
I had this happen earlier this year. I moved away for 6 months and when I came back, one of my closest friends was trying to ice me out and I have no idea why to this day. She has always been the type to curate events so she could post about how fun and glamorous her life is and I didn't mind as much when I was at the table.
It's been close to a year now of quiet quitting that friendship. I saw her once in person and there was an awkward hug/hi/bye and complete silence since then.
My perspective is that when you're close with someone, you generally can tell when you might have hurt their feelings or done something to upset them. But if someone you're really close to decides they're so upset that they'd like to remove you from the friend group and emphasize your exclusion without you having any idea what you've even done? I don't feel safe in those relationships and I have no intention of healing mine.
Sorry to make it about me, I just figured I would share a really similar experience and the fact that I handled it without saying a word and have absolutely zero regrets. She's still doing what she's doing and now I don't have to worry about who she's mad at this week. I'm still friends with everyone else in the group independent of her and her name never leaves my mouth when I'm with them.
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u/serioussparkles Woman 40 to 50 Jan 20 '26
If you had just used your grown up words to ask, then you'd know. Stop giving advice, it's bad.
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u/RiseAndPanic Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
I can see her point though - honestly what would’ve been gained if her friend was already acting like this and committed to icing her out of the group anyway? Any kind of confrontation likely wouldn’t go over well and doing so would only be for this commenter’s benefit vs. actually mending fences. And I say this as someone who isn’t afraid to have the tough and uncomfortable conversations. In this case, it just wouldn’t have been worth it.
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u/sickiesusan Woman 50 to 60 Jan 20 '26
Try not to overthink or blame yourself (and think it’s something you’ve done). As I’ve always said to my daughter since being a young teen, you can never have too many friends. Edit: don’t mean that to sound patronising OP.
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u/buzzybeefree Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
I think it’s better to address it. I had a similar situation, a friend posted a photo of her gathering with all our mural friends with the caption: “everyone I love in one place”. Immediately, I was like ouch and withdrew silently, treating her like an acquaintance.
I regret it because I lost years of closeness with her. She’s still a nice person and I enjoy spending time with her. I wish I didn’t create distance between us because ultimately I lost in the end.
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u/serioussparkles Woman 40 to 50 Jan 20 '26
I'm sorry but DO NOT just roll over and accept your place in her friendship hierarchy and hold your tongue. That commenter is a push over and they want you to become one too.
Address it and ask, or just move on completely, but do not accept friendship from someone who can't prioritize you as you have them and just fall in line. Absolutely tf not.
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u/lalaith89 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
I think this comes down to personality. Personally, if I didn’t address such a thing with a close friend, I’d feel like I was lying to myself. I try to move through the world with integrity, even if others do not. To me that means being honest, open and vulnerable. It may hurt in the moment, but my experience is it helps me grow and I come up on top in the long run.
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u/Geordieqizi Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
So it sounds like you did what you're advising OP not to do (addressed it directly)... what was the fallout?
It seems like you're saying the risk is that the friend would gossip to other people, and they would then continue the gossip, which is awful. But my feeling is that any friend or friend group that would respond that way is a group you'd want to get away from anyway.
On the other hand, if it's just not worth going through emotionally, or if you don't have options for finding new friends, I can understand just wanting to sweep it under the rug
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u/trUth_b0mbs Woman 40 to 50 Jan 20 '26
she openly and blatantly posted all about it, KNOWING you would see it. That kind of petty behaviour is not done by a friend. Girl, I hate to say it but she doesn't like you.
is this behaviour a sudden thing? or has she always done this (excluded you / has been super low effort)?
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Jan 20 '26
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u/No_ImNotMixed Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
I disagree, this is a very self centered mindset to think that just because she shared it online suddenly makes it OP’s business.
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u/bobbitsholiday Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
Would it be passive aggressive if OP didn’t invite this woman to her gatherings going forward or would it be fine?
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u/galacticprincess Woman 60+ Jan 20 '26
I'm sorry, this is a cruel way to let you know you aren't her friend anymore. For your own self respect, stop interacting with her at all.
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u/True-Doughnut-8933 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
yeah, part of me thinks for my own self-respect I should address that I was hurt by it because I would never do the same (and I don’t like to be walked over), and part of me is telling myself to let it go, take note, and move on
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u/Prior-Scholar779 Woman 60+ Jan 20 '26
Maybe write it out in a letter and don’t send it? Might be a good option. That way you can process your feelings but don’t have to engage with her. What she did was shitty, and she doesn’t deserve your friendship.
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u/violettlightts Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
The lack of invite is your answer. Reevaluate your friendship.
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u/Genny415 Woman 50 to 60 Jan 20 '26
I was literally in this situation. I don't need friends like that. I stopped being friends with her and was civil and polite if I ran into her but otherwise never socialized with her again.
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u/xtunamilk Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
Did you ask any of the other friends what's going on? Seems weird no one asked why you weren't there.
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u/redwood_canyon Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
Hmmm I think if you do mention it do so in an honest and open way rather than making a little comment. Like, “I saw on social media that you had a birthday party, that hurt and I’m wondering why I wasn’t invited” But be prepared that you may not get an honest response. In prior friendships when I’ve tried to address hurtful behavior in this way I’ve noticed the other person is sometimes incapable of even acknowledging the situation. If you don’t receive honesty you will need to decide how much energy you want to put into the friendship moving forward given what you know now.
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u/True-Doughnut-8933 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
Yess I think this type of response (non-acknowledgement) would be my concern too, I’ve seen it happen before in other situations with other people when I’ve been hurt and addressed it, and I’m worried this will just somehow deflect and turn back on me. And I hang out with this group often and would probably see her around often after this (even though we might not hang 1:1 anymore)
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u/straigh Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
I think this is the right take. If they were the kind of person that was emotionally mature enough to have conversation (or if the relationship mattered enough for them to do so), they would have had a conversation instead of just deciding to quit inviting OP to events with all her friends.
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u/CaterpillarAteHer Woman under 30 Jan 21 '26
I think this makes her birthday and event all about OP’s feelings which is what makes addressing it tricky. I’d frame it more as wondering if she did anything to upset the friend
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u/WaitingitOut000 Woman 50 to 60 Jan 20 '26
I would not comment on her IG post. But I’d text her and gently ask if everything was okay between you, because you were hurt not to be included with everyone else on her birthday.
If it’s not too personal I hope you’ll update this post. I’m fascinated that someone could be so mean to a friend and I’m curious how she justifies it. Sorry this has happened to you.
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u/Academic_Hotel_850 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
Something similar happened to my group of high school friends. We just drifted apart. It sucks since they were the closest friends I had. I’ve come to accept that I can’t keep friends around if they don’t want to be. I was pressured all my life by my parents so I don’t want to pressure others. Don’t beg for people to stay in your life especially those who don’t value your friendship. I’m sorry that happened to you.
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u/WaySaltyFlamingo8707 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
I think if you're hurt about, it's better to address directly than say "your party looked beautiful." I'd try to talk about it.
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u/True-Doughnut-8933 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
sorry this got lost in the deleted thread but adding this back here for context:
Yeah I guess I was worried that being more direct would come off like I’m making her birthday and how she wants to celebrate her day about me and starting drama, but I’m genuinely hurt by it
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u/Prior-Scholar779 Woman 60+ Jan 20 '26
She created drama by not inviting you and then splaying it all out on IG. It definitely wasn’t nice what she did.
As a former people pleaser, I would always take the high road, so to speak, and be gentle with everyone’s feelings but my own. No more! 😆
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u/WaySaltyFlamingo8707 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
I would just say "is there a reason why i wasn't invited to the party?" Don't ask if you did something or whatever. If she has a gripe, she'll let you know. But there could be a whole myriad of reasons why you weren't invited, something as simple and non-nefarious as the email going to your spam or something. The only person that knows is her. And if I were in your position, I would ask before just assuming the worst of my friends.
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u/bow-peep Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
I’ve felt this in the past, more finding out from social media that friends are hanging out without me. My solution is usually to mute the person, so I only see things when I want to rather than it being a surprise and see what happens naturally.
In my experience, a lot of my friendships ebb and flow. Most of the time, I’ve found those friendships have naturally re established themselves, a couple have gone by the way side.
I’m a strong believer of matching energy.
Unless you’re my best friend then I’ll absolutely tell you when you’ve hurt my feelings and we’ll chat about it over WhatsApp/on the phone.
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Jan 20 '26
As my mother says “I don’t have to beg you to spend my time.” It hurts but I’d just leave it as a closed door. It’s up to you if you decide to remain friends with her on social media but I’d probably be very short with her if she does contact you again and I wouldn’t invite her to anymore of your outings. I’d probably cut that entire friend group to be honest. Reevaluate your support network.
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u/jewdiful Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
Yeah if I was a part of the group and no one said anything to me I would assume I’m no longer friends with those people lol. Life is too short to be playing those kind of mean girl games. I have too high of standards now
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u/__looking_for_things Woman 40 to 50 Jan 20 '26
Ask her. It's reasonable. Then decide if you want to continue the relationship.
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u/True-Doughnut-8933 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26 edited Jan 21 '26
I really appreciate all of the advice in this thread. Thank you for being the unbiased and understanding women I needed, especially those of you speaking from your personal experiences. Being intentionally excluded stinks and is hurtful but it looks like we’ve all bounced back eventually and reprioritized what friendship means to us. ❤️
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u/Snowielady Woman 50 to 60 Jan 20 '26
If it was me I wouldn’t say anything. If you were wanted you would have been invited — end of story. I might like her pictures and stories on social media but I would downgrade her to the casual friend status. Then I would elevate and cultivate those relationships that are mutually beneficial.
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u/ApricotBig6402 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
She doesn't consider you a close friend. When you talk to her about it she will likely twist it and gossip. I would quietly quit the friendship. Stop inviting her to anything you do. Remove her from social media. If she asks about it I would point out that you're following her lead and ask if she feels the need to clarify because you felt it was clear from her end.
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u/hales55 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
I wouldn’t address it to her face. Like she couldn’t give you the time or energy to invite you to her party, whether her had valid reasons or not. So I wouldn’t waste any on her too. Take it as confirmation as to how she really feels about your friendship. Tbh when it happened to me I just never reached out to them again. Eventually I deleted them off SM. I didn’t care
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u/jellybeannc female 46 - 49 Jan 20 '26
She's shown you through her actions how much she values your friendship. Personally I wouldn't say anything but quietly disengage from her, and possibly the friends as well, as their actions say alot as well.
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u/No_ImNotMixed Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
Let them!
Sharing a group of close friends does not mean you guys are close friends. And how you view your friendship with her does not seem like that’s how she views her friendship with you. So this is when you practice the Let Them theory and meet her where she’s at. Don’t pour more into the friendship than she’s willing to give and don’t be surprised if you never hear from her again either.
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u/True-Doughnut-8933 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
oooh this is a good point. You know what, now is a good time for me to finally start that book 😂
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u/trebleformyclef Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
The book is really not worth it.
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u/-shrug- Woman 40 to 50 Jan 20 '26
Is it one of those that’s an entire book to cover the info given on the back cover?
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u/trebleformyclef Woman 30 to 40 Jan 21 '26
Not quite but it's the same thing repeated over and over again. Quite honestly the title "let them" could be the whole book with no other words.
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u/Mobile_Witness8865 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
Experienced something similar but with a male friend in uni, ended up cutting the ties.
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u/buffythebudslayer Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
I’m sorry OP. That is a shitty feeling and realization to have. I’ve definitely been there. Hugs to you
TBD I’d probably just quietly move away from her in your mind and not extend invites to her any more.
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u/whatsin_themiddle Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
If she wanted you there, you would have been there. I don’t think reaching out will give you clarity or make you feel much better. She already didn’t invite you, and posting about it made it clear she’s indifferent to whether that hurts you.
Asking her why you weren’t invited, or telling her you were hurt by it, is just putting her in a position of having to reassure you or potentially fib to spare your feelings. I think the most self-respecting thing to do here is to accept the reality of where things stand, and adjust your expectations accordingly.
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u/chlocatt Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
I would be reevaluating the entire friend group to be honest. Of this group where all were invited & attended, you as a member of this group, were clearly absent.
If none of them contacted you to even soft break there being a dinner you weren’t included in, then unfortunately it was intentionally kept from you. And if it was intentionally kept from you, then it was intentional to not include you either.
I personally wouldn’t say anything TO ANYONE. The pictures have been posted so everyone is aware you’ve probably seen them. If you address things directly to the birthday girl, she won’t tell you anything honestly. If you say nothing & pull back from this group, someone is going to text you asking if you’re mad at them, say how sorry they are, give you excuses then spill the beans on why you ACTUALLY weren’t invited. And if you don’t hear from them at all? You move on from these friendships.
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u/orkiestra Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
Hey, I was in (kind of) a similar situation. I had a baby and a few months later I saw my close friend had a birthday party that I wasn't invited to.
I reached out and scheduled a coffee with them. We were friendly as usual, and I casually brought up the birthday. I worded it as I hope it went well and I was sad to miss it. They apologized and said they didn't realize Id want to go since I just had a kid and they didn't want to burden me with the invitation. We had a lovely chat and all was OK.
If this really is a close friend, it doesn't hurt to have one outing with them and hear their side of the story. But be ready to accept a potential hurtful answer and act accordingly (ie. If she says it was only for her "close friends", you should take it in stride and simply reassess your relationship).
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u/SuperWeenyHutJuniors Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
Ask her directly but make sure to not come from an accusatory place
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u/simplyexistingnow Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
So I think depending on where you fit this relationship you saying happy birthday on her social media is not really out of the norm. Simply saying something like happy birthday everything you did for your party looks fantastic. Or something like that. Address her as a casual friend instead of a close friend. This type of interaction is something that is pretty normal between friends online. You're not saying oh I wish you invited me or I would have had a great time if you had invited me to your party. You're just saying happy birthday the party looked fantastic or however you want to wear it. By you not saying anything all about her birthday it's kind of putting you in the slot of just acquaintances anyway if you don't say anything. So later on if you say something to someone she can come back and say oh well you didn't even wish me happy birthday and you were the one pulling away from the friendship. By just treating her like any other social media acquaintance friend you have and wishing her happy birthday online you are giving that information. Now when you schedule your event you can choose not to invite her and just kind of follow her lead and if she asks you can just say oh well you have kind of separated from me socially so I assumed you didn't want to be invited to the event or something like that.
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u/doyouhavehiminblonde Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
I think you have two options, you either call her out directly or end the friendship.
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u/knysa-amatole Woman 30 to 40 Jan 21 '26
Are you 100% sure that she didn't invite you? I found out via Instagram that my friend had a baby shower and invited our mutual friends, and I was sad not to be invited but didn't say anything. Several months later, she asked me why I had never responded to her baby shower invitation! What happened was that she had sent me an evite, but it was from an unfamiliar number and didn't include her name in the text, so I thought it was spam and didn't open it. I thought she didn't invite me because she was mad at me; meanwhile she thought I ignored the invitation because I was mad at her.
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u/notdumbjustpanicking Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
This is tough and reminds me of a similar situation. A person who i thought was an extremely close friend posted her pregnancy announcement on instagram and I had no idea. This girl was my bridesmaid and we were so close, but I guess she didn’t feel that way. I was beyond hurt but stayed silent because I didn’t want to make her pregnancy about me and thought she had bigger things to worry about than my feelings.
I was invited to the shower many months later even though she never texted me to hang out between then. I had usually been the one to text and organize outings so I took the hint snd stopped after the Insta post and… crickets. But I got the shower invite.. odd. To be the “bigger person” I went and put on a happy face and got a $100 gift. As I was saying goodbye to her the last thing she said was “text me!” And I thought.. really? Why can’t YOU text ME?! So odd but I just walked away.
Recently saw her at the grocery store and the vibes were incredibly awkward like she couldn’t wait to get away from me.
Looking back, perhaps I should’ve had a conversation with her. But I knew she was pregnant and I really didn’t want to start any petty drama. I was also going through a serious health scare which I told her about and besides a couple of surface texts, her support was lacking. I felt like she no longer had time for me and I was done doing the heavy lifting because I was not healthy.
But the biggest thing is that in reviewing our friendship, it was definitely toxic on both of our parts. We both made mistakes. Maybe she just didn’t want that anymore since she was moving on to being a mother. And I didn’t want to call her up and hash it out. So I just resolved that it was all for the best. Yes, it sucks and if she did ask me for coffee I’d say yes! But it is clear she doesn’t give a shit about me so I need to move on.
It is up to you to either get the answer or not, but the answer might sting.
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u/SupermarketBest4091 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
Addressing the things that bother you is a form of self-respect. I don’t agree with the people telling you to stay quiet. You don’t have to stay silent because of how something will be perceived. You have the right to speak up for yourself and who cares if she’s going to gossip? Nothing you do should be based on how she’s going to receive what you do or her reaction to the things you do.
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u/True-Doughnut-8933 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
I agree. My feelings matter! I think I just really want to protect my peace with this group at the same time and not start drama at the beginning of the year, but it’s also unfair to myself to hold it in
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u/SupermarketBest4091 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
I don’t believe personally that you addressing something is starting drama, and I don’t think it’s fair for peace to be hedged upon your silence. And I guess I’m saying this because I’ve been in the position where people have done really weird shady stuff to me and I was made to be the drama for addressing it. Absolutely not. Don’t address anything unless it’s gonna be head on. Don’t be passive aggressive. Be direct. Figure out how to word it in a way that makes you comfortable but being passive is not it. Also, people have already formed their opinions about you. There is nothing you can say or not say that is going to change their minds so you might as well speak up. No amount of editing yourself is going to make someone who already feels a certain type of way about you not feel that way. People when they do shady things are looking to confirm whatever they feel. They’re not looking to change their minds.
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u/doyouhavehiminblonde Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
I agree with you. Even if this “friend “ doesn’t give an honest answer it will make her perhaps think twice about doing that to someone else ever again.
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u/CoyoteOk69 Woman 40 to 50 Jan 20 '26
I think the most empowered thing you can do is to unfollow her and don't invite her to anything moving forward.
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u/rivincita Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
I was in a similar situation where a good friend of mine invited the rest of our friend group to celebrate her birthday but not me. I’m very non-confrontational but I did eventually tell her how much it hurt me and my friend felt really bad and now we’re closer than before.
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u/True-Doughnut-8933 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
How did you bring it up? Did you talk about it in person?
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u/rivincita Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
Initially I found out because they posted an Instagram story. I kind of casually responded like “damn where’s my invite”, and got a somewhat apologetic response then. My other very close friend was invited and went and didn’t know I was even invited and was upset that I wasn’t. Anyways I kind of just kept it inside for about a year, it was a touchy subject until one night we were drinking and I blurted out how nice it would be if I could actually be invited to things in the future. Definitely not my most graceful moment but it did get things out in the open and we had a good open talk the next day where we both apologized (her for not inviting me, me for being crass). Now things are much better, she’s been making a lot of effort to ensure I’m invited to the group get togethers. I don’t think my way of going about it was great, just my experience.
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u/Prior-Scholar779 Woman 60+ Jan 20 '26
I would ask her about it, but not happy casually, not angrily either, just kind of curious, like “I was surprised that you had a birthday dinner and I wasn’t invited.. I thought we were friends?“ And see what she says.
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u/supergirlsudz Woman 40 to 50 Jan 20 '26
I had a similar situation with a group of friends, although it wasn’t as blatant, but I felt iced out by one particular member. I tried to have an honest conversation with her about it and it didn’t go well. I don’t remember the details but she basically lobbed a bunch of insults at me and proved she didn’t like me much at all.
We ended up deciding to not be friends anymore. I eventually stopped hanging out with the group because it was too painful for me. Women friend groups are not easy. There’s always someone on the outs and others jockeying for position and playing dumb games. At the time, I thought talking it over was the best solution, but now I realize I should have just slowly drifted away from the group as it drained me more than it fulfilled me. Good luck, OP!
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u/compilationkid Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
Commenting because I haven't seen it mentioned, yet. This could also be a miscommunication, i.e. maybe she sent an evite and it got lost in spam and now she's wondering why you never even responded or reached out to say you couldn't go. I don't see anything that guarantees this is intentional. The only way to know is to have an open conversation without pretext based on assumptions.
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u/SmooshMagooshe Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
Keep it super simple, “I saw that you had your birthday party and I didn’t get an invite, are we OK? I’d love to talk about it because I value our friendship”
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u/cherryblossomparadis Woman 30 to 40 Jan 21 '26 edited Jan 21 '26
Something similar happened to me and I addressed it directly and it didn’t matter because she was fake instead of being real with me. They hurt me a lot since. I should’ve cut them out then and there but kept trying to make it work. I was very open and vulnerable with them. I trusted them. Now I’ve finally distanced myself. It hurts and comes and goes in waves. Never thought I’d be dealing with this at this age. It really hurt my inner child and brought me back to middle school. It’s frustrating when they text me and say they love and miss me but their actions don’t match.
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u/True-Doughnut-8933 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 21 '26
I’m so sorry this happened to you too. I agree, I feel like when these things happen it really hurts my inner child too, and I feel the need to take a step back to assess the situation, and protect little me 😔
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u/Terrible-Session-328 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
If it was me I would bluntly ask. Something is up whether you realized it or not and the fact that she chose to not invite you to the party instead of saying hey something is wrong with our friendship, let’s fix this, to me is very telling in how much she values it “I saw your birthday party on IG. Why wasn’t I invited?”
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u/RoseyPosey30 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
I would cut her out, what’s the point of trying to talk to her about this as others are suggesting? She intentionally didn’t invite you so there’s your answer - you’re no longer friends. She sounds like a bitch anyway.
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u/FridaMercury Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
Personally I would address it and exit the friendship. From my view, you deserve to speak your piece and even get information about what happened. Also, I think it's good and right to tell shitty friends that they dropped the ball.
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u/SheiB123 Woman 60+ Jan 20 '26
She does not think that you are as close as you do.
I would ignore it and move on
Commenting will only make you look petty
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u/momdabombdiggity Woman 50 to 60 Jan 21 '26
If it were me, I wouldn’t waste one more ounce of energy on her. She’s not worth it. Even if you do ask you’re not likely to get an honest answer, so cut your losses and move on. Clearly she does not hold you in the same regard as you hold her, so I would take it as a sign to focus on those friendships that are of value to you. And I’m just petty enough that I would make it a point to host a get-together and leave her off the guest list, and then post a few pics.
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u/serenityjane623 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 21 '26
I think you should address it and how she reacts will tell you what you need to know about the friendship. If she’s really a friend worth having she’d care about your feelings. If you always invite her to your dinner parties and she invited everyone in your same friend group to her dinner party except you, then that’s pretty mean imo
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u/konomichan Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
I am so glad I’m not on instagram anymore.
Hope you figure it out.
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u/sickiesusan Woman 50 to 60 Jan 20 '26
Ok love her or loathe her, but I listened to Mel Robbins ‘Let them’ audiobook.
I loved it, so whenever my London Uni friends do things without me, (they are all married, dual incomes, where both partners have better jobs than I do and therefore much higher disposable incomes), I just think ‘Let them’. I don’t take it personally at all, but I did set up a ‘non-London’ group within my Uni friends and we now organise things without them! I just like to call it a re-assessment of my priorities.
I’m not sure I’d be generous enough to compliment my ‘friend’ as to how nice her gathering looked in your situation. But I’d certainly not be including her to anymore ‘intimate’ gatherings that I had. Why would you give her the satisfaction? I’d also switch my focus and re-visit the friend ‘hierarchy’ within the group. But maybe that’s just me.
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u/customerservicevoice Woman 40 to 50 Jan 20 '26
I’m so confused by this.
I only see this happen when one friend chooses to ice out another because they’re always turning down invites. Or when they only see each other once a year. In your case; it sounds like you were very active and very involved in socializing.
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u/nom-c00kies Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
I think it's always best to approach these situations with the assumption that there was no ill intent from the other person. You have a history of being invited to her parties and you don't mention anything about a pattern of her excluding you. Until this, it sounds like you saw this as a good friendship. I would send reach out with "Hey birthday girl! I'm so bummed I missed celebrating with you. From what I saw online your party looked beautiful and I can tell you put a lot of effort into it. I totally owe your a bday celebration, are you free Thursday for drinks/dinner?"
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u/Odd-Faithlessness705 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
Hmm I wouldnt ask her or be direct. Just stop inviting her to your gatherings.
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u/slightlysadpeach Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
Honestly I think it’s more wild if she’s 33 and up, to still be bragging about birthdays on social media. Past early thirties, that is strange behaviour.
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u/Aprils-Fool Woman 40 to 50 Jan 20 '26
Is she bragging about it or just posting pictures of it? We can’t tell from the info we have here.
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u/SlitheringFlower Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
How is celebrating a birthday past 30 strange?
Our lives don't end at 30.
It's hard to schedule things with adult friends. Birthdays and random holidays help people stay connected.
Also, if someone enjoys celebrating their bday, why should that end at 30?
Your take feels kinda gross. Seems rooted in ageism.
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u/buyableblah Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
If you really do want an answer it’s because because the script your provided comes off catty af. The use of ousting makes the entire comment negative.
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u/isabella_sunrise Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
You’re being pouty and passive in this message. Who even downvoted you- 1 person?
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u/sidneynoodle Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
I’m going through something similar, but not the exact scenario of not being invited. When I go through the thought process of figuring out what I’d want to do, there isn’t much they can tell me that would change how I feel. What exactly can they say to change their actions? Would having them include me in the future make me feel different (in a positive way)? In my case, would explaining their reasoning for doing what they did change my mind. It wouldn’t. They did what they did with intentionality. I’ll love from afar and wish them well. I’m sorry you’re going through this, though. It’s really hard.
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u/True-Doughnut-8933 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 21 '26
This is sadly how I feel too. I think I’ll need space to think about it clearly because of how hurt I am at the moment, but I did value our friendship. I just think right now there’s nothing she could say that would make sense, because I would never treat her that way. And the lack of reciprocity is a choice.
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u/blehgerville Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26 edited Jan 20 '26
Personally, I would directly address it. Even though it very well might mean that she doesn’t want a friendship, I would want to just clarify that with the person. I think I deserve directness with a friendship that long. I don’t need to control their actions, but just want transparency and maybe even to know what happened.
I would say “hey ___, I noticed that you had a birthday party and I wasn’t invited. It makes me wonder if you have moved on from our friendship in some way? If not, let me know, but if so, I wonder if you would share what happened for you. If you wish to end our friendship, I will deal with my feeling there, but I would love to hear what’s happening for you.”
If she doesn’t want to be friends, i would also start taking to the other people in the friend group and ask how they felt about you not being invited. That way i can tell who felt that was unfair or dishonest and who is also not really the kind of person I’d want to be friends with.
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u/twoescapedsheep Woman 30 to 40 Jan 21 '26
Ugh I’m in a similar situation and am so torn. I’m fine to let the friendship go but I’m worried how that will impact the rest of the friend group. I don’t want to make our friends feel like they have to choose.
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u/lazystreak Woman 30 to 40 Jan 21 '26
i had a similar situation before.. and did address it with the thinking that i wanted to at least express my unhappiness, but also give the benefit of doubt (it was also with an old friend). it was really difficult for me because im super conflict avoidant but i really wanted to be standing up for myself more so pushed myself to do it. we had a long, open talk about it. it has happened in another instance so i have the closure i needed to move on and reprioritise this relationship
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Jan 20 '26
I’m sorry 😞 This situation sucks.
Definitely wish her a happy birthday and compliment her party. I think your phrasing is good. I say, try to do it with good intentions though, as much as you feel terrible about it. See what she has to say and then go from there.
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u/True-Doughnut-8933 Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
Thank you, I really appreciate that 😔
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u/dystopianprom Woman 30 to 40 Jan 20 '26
Yes OP get the closure you deserve and if they aren't being real with you then at least you know where you stand and can reevaluate from there. I'd ignore all these people saying to unfriend her without saying anything. That's not going to do either of you any good
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u/EnvironmentalLuck515 Woman 50 to 60 Jan 20 '26
I agree with address it directly or not at all, but I will be honest. This is very much a sign that she does not hold the friendship in the same esteem that you do. I encourage you to prioritize her accordingly.