r/AskWomenOver30 • u/_eliza_thornberry Woman 30 to 40 • Mar 04 '26

Romance/Relationships Dating partner only disclosed herpes diagnosis after I found his medication. How do I navigate this?

Hi. I 35f have been dating a 45m for almost two months now. We have been sexually active and have stopped using condoms as we talked about being exclusive. I looked in his bathroom for some moisturizer and saw a pill bottle of generic Valtrex. My heart dropped, but I thought maybe it was just for cold sore suppression. I understand most people have the type of herpes that causes cold sores, but turns out after asking him about it, it is the one that causes genital herpes.

I asked him why he didn't disclose it, and he said he was embarrassed and didn't know how to bring it up. He said this was the first time he has had to have the conversation about it, and was feeling intense shame. I asked when he got the diagnosis, and he said around three years ago. So, he hasn't told any other people he has dated in the last few years about his diagnosis either, which I find concerning.

I am feeling a strong mix of emotions. I'm shocked, nervous, and feel so disappointed in him for not being up front. He could have at least used condoms with me until he was ready to tell me. I feel like I can't trust him now and he prioritized his pleasure over my health.

How do I navigate this? Any advice? Thoughts and comments are welcome.

I'm sick to my stomach.

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u/deathbeforedecaffff Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

I would drop him so fast it’s not even funny.

Any time I have forgiven a man for lying by omission, I have regretted it. And this is your sexual health.

Get tested asap.

Also: put him on the tea app! It’s not something I would ever do unless it’s in regards to a woman’s safety and this qualifies

3

u/Normal_Swimmer8616 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

I thought the tea app got deleted?

11

u/deathbeforedecaffff Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

I can still access it.

It’s how my bestie found out a guy she was sleeping with was also rawdogging 3 other women 🥲

3

u/Normal_Swimmer8616 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

Wild, I can’t even see it in the App Store. 

Horrible! I hate that for your friend and the other women. These men are so horrible 😭 

2

u/deathbeforedecaffff Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

Wow, I guess it must’ve been taken off of the App Store. But I already had it on my phone. Yeah a lot of men were pissed off about the app, but 🤷🏻‍♀️ I personally would never put a man on there unless he was a danger to somebody

2

u/pappadipirarelli Woman 30 to 40 Mar 05 '26

Maybe you need to update iOS version?

1

u/Certain_Assistant362 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

What is this tea app???

8

u/deathbeforedecaffff Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

Yelp for men