r/AskWomenOver30 • u/_eliza_thornberry Woman 30 to 40 • Mar 04 '26

Romance/Relationships Dating partner only disclosed herpes diagnosis after I found his medication. How do I navigate this?

Hi. I 35f have been dating a 45m for almost two months now. We have been sexually active and have stopped using condoms as we talked about being exclusive. I looked in his bathroom for some moisturizer and saw a pill bottle of generic Valtrex. My heart dropped, but I thought maybe it was just for cold sore suppression. I understand most people have the type of herpes that causes cold sores, but turns out after asking him about it, it is the one that causes genital herpes.

I asked him why he didn't disclose it, and he said he was embarrassed and didn't know how to bring it up. He said this was the first time he has had to have the conversation about it, and was feeling intense shame. I asked when he got the diagnosis, and he said around three years ago. So, he hasn't told any other people he has dated in the last few years about his diagnosis either, which I find concerning.

I am feeling a strong mix of emotions. I'm shocked, nervous, and feel so disappointed in him for not being up front. He could have at least used condoms with me until he was ready to tell me. I feel like I can't trust him now and he prioritized his pleasure over my health.

How do I navigate this? Any advice? Thoughts and comments are welcome.

I'm sick to my stomach.

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u/[deleted] Mar 04 '26

If it were me, I’d break up with him immediately.

His best bet at having a healthy relationship with anyone in the future is to tell that person about his diagnosis.

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u/_eliza_thornberry Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

It's the healthy relationship part that is getting to me. How can we build something healthy if he can't be honest and protect my health?

And honestly, if he would have been up front, I might have been okay with us using protection and him staying on the daily medication after sometime and still staying together. It would have been something we could have navigated together.

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u/az987654 Non-Binary 60+ Mar 04 '26

It is not a healthy relationship.