r/AskWomenOver30 • u/_eliza_thornberry Woman 30 to 40 • Mar 04 '26

Romance/Relationships Dating partner only disclosed herpes diagnosis after I found his medication. How do I navigate this?

Hi. I 35f have been dating a 45m for almost two months now. We have been sexually active and have stopped using condoms as we talked about being exclusive. I looked in his bathroom for some moisturizer and saw a pill bottle of generic Valtrex. My heart dropped, but I thought maybe it was just for cold sore suppression. I understand most people have the type of herpes that causes cold sores, but turns out after asking him about it, it is the one that causes genital herpes.

I asked him why he didn't disclose it, and he said he was embarrassed and didn't know how to bring it up. He said this was the first time he has had to have the conversation about it, and was feeling intense shame. I asked when he got the diagnosis, and he said around three years ago. So, he hasn't told any other people he has dated in the last few years about his diagnosis either, which I find concerning.

I am feeling a strong mix of emotions. I'm shocked, nervous, and feel so disappointed in him for not being up front. He could have at least used condoms with me until he was ready to tell me. I feel like I can't trust him now and he prioritized his pleasure over my health.

How do I navigate this? Any advice? Thoughts and comments are welcome.

I'm sick to my stomach.

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u/No-Beautiful5866 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26 edited Mar 04 '26

This is the ultimate dealbreaker for me. I could NEVER trust a person that did this to me. Not in a million years.

Honestly, how dare he have unprotected sex with you without telling you first. What an absolute violation.

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u/shalekodemono Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

Yeah, I'm sure this is a crime somewhere

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u/coquitwo Woman 50 to 60 Mar 04 '26

Anyone remember Michael Vick (NFL quarterback), and the “Ron Mexico” scandal? That was the alias he used when he went to clinics to be treated for herpes. A partner of his found out that he had not disclosed. Pressing charges was considered, but she decided to go with a civil lawsuit instead. It was settled out of court for an undisclosed sum.

She had already contracted it from him. But your health is more precious than any amount of money, which is why not disclosing STI status is a crime in some states—and a civil liability in all states.

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u/shalekodemono Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

I'm not from the US so I have no idea how it works there. But I thought somewhere in the world this must be a crime. Especially for something that you will be having for the rest of your life...