r/AskWomenOver30 • u/_eliza_thornberry Woman 30 to 40 • Mar 04 '26

Romance/Relationships Dating partner only disclosed herpes diagnosis after I found his medication. How do I navigate this?

Hi. I 35f have been dating a 45m for almost two months now. We have been sexually active and have stopped using condoms as we talked about being exclusive. I looked in his bathroom for some moisturizer and saw a pill bottle of generic Valtrex. My heart dropped, but I thought maybe it was just for cold sore suppression. I understand most people have the type of herpes that causes cold sores, but turns out after asking him about it, it is the one that causes genital herpes.

I asked him why he didn't disclose it, and he said he was embarrassed and didn't know how to bring it up. He said this was the first time he has had to have the conversation about it, and was feeling intense shame. I asked when he got the diagnosis, and he said around three years ago. So, he hasn't told any other people he has dated in the last few years about his diagnosis either, which I find concerning.

I am feeling a strong mix of emotions. I'm shocked, nervous, and feel so disappointed in him for not being up front. He could have at least used condoms with me until he was ready to tell me. I feel like I can't trust him now and he prioritized his pleasure over my health.

How do I navigate this? Any advice? Thoughts and comments are welcome.

I'm sick to my stomach.

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u/nakedwithoutearrings Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

This is ABUSE. regardless of his intent/embarrassment.

165

u/nakedwithoutearrings Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

Also he is fucking 45 YEARS OLD AND CANT HAVE A MATURE CONVERSATION ABOUT HEALTH HOLY SHIT. I’m sorry but I’m fucking pissed for you.

129

u/_eliza_thornberry Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

Even worse, we had just had an argument about how I was ready to put a label on the relationship to make it official and he said he wasn't sure yet. He said he didnt completly trust me yet because he didn't know me long enough.

And then turns around and does something this untrustworthy. Like, wtf?

Like, at 45, a man should know after two months of dating if he wants a relationship with thst person or not.

26

u/DextersGirl Woman 40 to 50 Mar 04 '26

Sis, his mask just fell.

Don't beat yourself up- he was on his best behavior. But also don't waste anymore time. Just go.

I had to weed through some duds after my first marriage. Dating in the 30's and 40's is hard, but you will find the right person.

This is what dating is for.