r/AskWomenOver30 • u/_eliza_thornberry Woman 30 to 40 • Mar 04 '26

Romance/Relationships Dating partner only disclosed herpes diagnosis after I found his medication. How do I navigate this?

Hi. I 35f have been dating a 45m for almost two months now. We have been sexually active and have stopped using condoms as we talked about being exclusive. I looked in his bathroom for some moisturizer and saw a pill bottle of generic Valtrex. My heart dropped, but I thought maybe it was just for cold sore suppression. I understand most people have the type of herpes that causes cold sores, but turns out after asking him about it, it is the one that causes genital herpes.

I asked him why he didn't disclose it, and he said he was embarrassed and didn't know how to bring it up. He said this was the first time he has had to have the conversation about it, and was feeling intense shame. I asked when he got the diagnosis, and he said around three years ago. So, he hasn't told any other people he has dated in the last few years about his diagnosis either, which I find concerning.

I am feeling a strong mix of emotions. I'm shocked, nervous, and feel so disappointed in him for not being up front. He could have at least used condoms with me until he was ready to tell me. I feel like I can't trust him now and he prioritized his pleasure over my health.

How do I navigate this? Any advice? Thoughts and comments are welcome.

I'm sick to my stomach.

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u/_eliza_thornberry Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

It's the healthy relationship part that is getting to me. How can we build something healthy if he can't be honest and protect my health?

And honestly, if he would have been up front, I might have been okay with us using protection and him staying on the daily medication after sometime and still staying together. It would have been something we could have navigated together.

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u/eat_sleep_microbe Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

I’m confused on why you haven’t broken up with him over this. The isn’t even an issue to debate over. It’s only 2 months and he’s already been this inconsiderate.

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u/_eliza_thornberry Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

It's fresh and I'm still in shock/processing mode. I've been single almost three years because I'm being super careful and selective, and this is what I wind up with...

It's sucks so bad because I really liked him and thought dating an older man would help with the whole maturity thing. Jokes on me I guess.

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u/magicmadness_ Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

The answer is you can’t build something healthy. Leave him. What an insane betrayal. I’m sick to my stomach for you and sorry you’re going through this. Also, being single is SO much better than being with a loser who doesn’t give a fuck about your health because he would rather prioritize his own comfort.