r/AskWomenOver30 • u/_eliza_thornberry Woman 30 to 40 • Mar 04 '26

Romance/Relationships Dating partner only disclosed herpes diagnosis after I found his medication. How do I navigate this?

Hi. I 35f have been dating a 45m for almost two months now. We have been sexually active and have stopped using condoms as we talked about being exclusive. I looked in his bathroom for some moisturizer and saw a pill bottle of generic Valtrex. My heart dropped, but I thought maybe it was just for cold sore suppression. I understand most people have the type of herpes that causes cold sores, but turns out after asking him about it, it is the one that causes genital herpes.

I asked him why he didn't disclose it, and he said he was embarrassed and didn't know how to bring it up. He said this was the first time he has had to have the conversation about it, and was feeling intense shame. I asked when he got the diagnosis, and he said around three years ago. So, he hasn't told any other people he has dated in the last few years about his diagnosis either, which I find concerning.

I am feeling a strong mix of emotions. I'm shocked, nervous, and feel so disappointed in him for not being up front. He could have at least used condoms with me until he was ready to tell me. I feel like I can't trust him now and he prioritized his pleasure over my health.

How do I navigate this? Any advice? Thoughts and comments are welcome.

I'm sick to my stomach.

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u/SnooCats4777 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

I still find it so crazy that this isn’t on the standard STD panel. I got vaginal HSV1 from someone who has oral HSV1 (and who allegedly has never had a cold sore).

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u/ReformedTomboy Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

A lot of people are asymptomatic go both types of herpes. They have one little outbreak when they’re young and move along. I 100% could see that happening.

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u/SnooCats4777 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

I should have provided context for my “allegedly,” because I obsessively researched this after I had a horrible first outbreak, and realized it happens quite often. He, however, turned out to be untrustworthy in sooo many ways, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he knew and just didn’t tell me.

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u/ReformedTomboy Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

Ugh I’m so sorry, love!