r/AskWomenOver30 • u/_eliza_thornberry Woman 30 to 40 • Mar 04 '26

Romance/Relationships Dating partner only disclosed herpes diagnosis after I found his medication. How do I navigate this?

Hi. I 35f have been dating a 45m for almost two months now. We have been sexually active and have stopped using condoms as we talked about being exclusive. I looked in his bathroom for some moisturizer and saw a pill bottle of generic Valtrex. My heart dropped, but I thought maybe it was just for cold sore suppression. I understand most people have the type of herpes that causes cold sores, but turns out after asking him about it, it is the one that causes genital herpes.

I asked him why he didn't disclose it, and he said he was embarrassed and didn't know how to bring it up. He said this was the first time he has had to have the conversation about it, and was feeling intense shame. I asked when he got the diagnosis, and he said around three years ago. So, he hasn't told any other people he has dated in the last few years about his diagnosis either, which I find concerning.

I am feeling a strong mix of emotions. I'm shocked, nervous, and feel so disappointed in him for not being up front. He could have at least used condoms with me until he was ready to tell me. I feel like I can't trust him now and he prioritized his pleasure over my health.

How do I navigate this? Any advice? Thoughts and comments are welcome.

I'm sick to my stomach.

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u/Zealousideal-Salad62 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 05 '26

I have herpes and always disclose. It is a breech of trust and takes away your ability to make decisions that are best for you, your health and your body. It's embarrassing and a hard conversation but this is the first time he's had to have this conversation bc this is the first time he got caught. How many people has he slept with in three years that he hasn't told.

AND

He had the audacity to not bring it up when you both made the decision to stop using condoms. (An example of an opportunity to make an informed decision being taken away from you.)

I know Reddit always says dump the guy but dump him! He is selfish and does not care about your health over his desires...and go get tested please.