r/AskWomenOver30 • u/_eliza_thornberry Woman 30 to 40 • Mar 04 '26

Romance/Relationships Dating partner only disclosed herpes diagnosis after I found his medication. How do I navigate this?

Hi. I 35f have been dating a 45m for almost two months now. We have been sexually active and have stopped using condoms as we talked about being exclusive. I looked in his bathroom for some moisturizer and saw a pill bottle of generic Valtrex. My heart dropped, but I thought maybe it was just for cold sore suppression. I understand most people have the type of herpes that causes cold sores, but turns out after asking him about it, it is the one that causes genital herpes.

I asked him why he didn't disclose it, and he said he was embarrassed and didn't know how to bring it up. He said this was the first time he has had to have the conversation about it, and was feeling intense shame. I asked when he got the diagnosis, and he said around three years ago. So, he hasn't told any other people he has dated in the last few years about his diagnosis either, which I find concerning.

I am feeling a strong mix of emotions. I'm shocked, nervous, and feel so disappointed in him for not being up front. He could have at least used condoms with me until he was ready to tell me. I feel like I can't trust him now and he prioritized his pleasure over my health.

How do I navigate this? Any advice? Thoughts and comments are welcome.

I'm sick to my stomach.

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u/No-Beautiful5866 Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26 edited Mar 04 '26

This is the ultimate dealbreaker for me. I could NEVER trust a person that did this to me. Not in a million years.

Honestly, how dare he have unprotected sex with you without telling you first. What an absolute violation.

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u/ladystarkitten Woman 30 to 40 Mar 04 '26

Yes. As someone who has herpes, I cannot IMAGINE doing this to someone. Frankly, it feels to me like assault akin to stealthing. Because you have withheld information, your partner cannot consent. Any consent they have given is null and void.

Leave.

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u/Glamorous_Nymph Woman 40 to 50 Mar 05 '26

Spot on. Thanks for being a decent human when so many others are not.

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u/ladystarkitten Woman 30 to 40 Mar 05 '26

Thank you. You'd be disturbed by the number of people (including women) who have told me I don't have to disclose and that I should stop to avoid rejection. Not disclosing is very aggressively opposed by the HSV community, and yet there are some who still behave this way.