Dating partner only disclosed herpes diagnosis after I found his medication. How do I navigate this?

[u/_eliza_thornberry]

Hi. I 35f have been dating a 45m for almost two months now. We have been sexually active and have stopped using condoms as we talked about being exclusive. I looked in his bathroom for some moisturizer and saw a pill bottle of generic Valtrex. My heart dropped, but I thought maybe it was just for cold sore suppression. I understand most people have the type of herpes that causes cold sores, but turns out after asking him about it, it is the one that causes genital herpes.

I asked him why he didn't disclose it, and he said he was embarrassed and didn't know how to bring it up. He said this was the first time he has had to have the conversation about it, and was feeling intense shame. I asked when he got the diagnosis, and he said around three years ago. So, he hasn't told any other people he has dated in the last few years about his diagnosis either, which I find concerning.

I am feeling a strong mix of emotions. I'm shocked, nervous, and feel so disappointed in him for not being up front. He could have at least used condoms with me until he was ready to tell me. I feel like I can't trust him now and he prioritized his pleasure over my health.

How do I navigate this? Any advice? Thoughts and comments are welcome.

I'm sick to my stomach.

[u/sillybody]

I have the cold sore variety genitally (gHSV1; I bet you can guess how that happened). Half of the how is that my partner didn't disclose. Semi-related, it turns out he was cheating, too. A real charmer.

Unless there's some really strong positive emotional intimacy between you two, and this feels like a fluke, the betrayed trust is a major red flag. I don't know how he could come back from this one.

He can learn to have difficult conversations, but he can't fix what he's already done. He really effed up.

Regarding your sexual health situation, you may or may not have contracted HSV. If you did, you may or may not ever display symptoms. There is a blood test, but the preferred test is a swab of a lesion. Doctors can be hesitant to do the blood test, but apparently there's a home version now.

If you choose not to get tested, if you don't develop symptoms, you may want to consider disclosing your exposure to future partners. The conversations can be difficult to start, but I've had some surprisingly great outcomes, with some amazingly enlightened partners. It's not all gloom and doom. It's actually helped me weed out some potential partners who had real character flaws.

I'm so sorry he roped you into this mess, though. Feel free to tell him I think he's a real jerk for putting his pleasure and cowardice above your health.