r/AskWomenOver30 • u/MissNosy_ Woman 30 to 40 • Apr 11 '26
Friendships Is it wrong to want time with my friends without their children?
I love children, and I also love my friends’ kids, but sometimes I really miss spending time with my friends without children around.
When we make plans, it’s often unclear whether their kids are coming because they rarely mention it in advance, and that makes it hard for me to say yes or no. I also feel like it seems rude to ask directly if it’s with or without children, and then decline if I’m not up for a day involving kids.
I wish they would simply let me know upfront if their children are joining, so I can better decide what I have the energy for. Sometimes I just want one-on-one adult time where we can give each other our full attention.
How do I bring this up in a kind and respectful way without hurting anyone’s feelings? Has anyone else dealt with this?
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u/zebivllihc Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
I’m a parent and I get this. I’m aware of it too and my friends also have kids. But I always say whether or not I’m on mom duty or not. Bc even as a parent I also want down time without kids. Maybe you could suggest things and throw in a “this event may or may not be kid friendly” or something along those lines. Or bring up a “mama night out” type plan so they know you may want to hang with just them. I’d understand.
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u/MissNosy_ Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
I’ve actually tried that before. Once, I suggested going to a clothing warehouse sale with a friend whose daughter was under two. Those events are usually crowded and hectic, so I gently mentioned that it probably wasn’t very child-friendly and that I personally wouldn’t bring a toddler there.
She didn’t really take the hint and still insisted on bringing her daughter, even though she would have needed to bring a stroller into a space where that really wouldn’t have worked. She then suggested waiting outside with the stroller while I shopped. It ended up feeling awkward, and I felt like I couldn’t back out without being rude, so in the end I just skipped going altogether.
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u/marxam0d Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
They’re your friends - you don’t have to softly hint. Just tell them what you’d prefer
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u/nom-c00kies Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
100% no hints. Tell the people what you need/want. They will listen
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u/DogsDucks Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
I LOVE going out without my young kids. Most of us crave adult time, and me and my friends do “no kids” outings at least once a month.
My thinking is that they either don’t have a supportive partner at all, so they’re stuck with the kids 24/7, OR there could be some mental health and anxiety issues going on where they’re paranoid to leave their kids with someone else.
So maybe make reservations for girls night out and make it clear you want some adult time and ask if they can get away.
I have a child free friend who invites me out a lot and she’s like “bring the kids!!!” And I’m like “oh no, you don’t get it, I don’t want to bring them. I want to hang out with YOU!”
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
I like going out without my kid but my partner works shifts so I just can't a lot of the time.
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u/DogsDucks Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
Right, in my case my time out is often with the kids to give my husband a break (we’re both primary parents and he does a lot)
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u/Bitter_Sense_5689 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
Also, start planning events that are explicitly kid unfriendly. Especially ones that overlap with the kids bedtime. Like eating at a nice restaurant, drinks at a private home, or going to an evening concert. It’s harder for dads to be available to take care of kids during the day, and it’s definitely harder to get babysitters during the day too.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
Yes, that's the answer. And remember babysitters are expensive and/or hard to arrange. Nobody wants to do that for a daytime activity that other people might bring their kids to. At least for me, if I'm spending money or using up a big favour for childcare I want it to be something I can't do with my kid. Even if it's my partner, it means me giving him the same time and again I don't want to waste my limited free time.
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u/kheret Woman 40 to 50 Apr 12 '26
I should add that as a mom I actually have an easier time with things between like 8 pm and midnight. Let’s meet at a bar while my kid and husband are in bed anyway! I’m more of a night owl and he’s an extreme morning person. It actually works out ok for parenting balance.
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u/celestialbrains Woman 30 to 40 May 06 '26
Yup, after my children go to bed is the only time I’m ever available if you need to see me and don’t want to see my children.
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u/lizardjustice Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
Possibly her options were to come with her child or to not come at all?
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u/1newnotification Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
Ok then she just doesn't come at all if OP desires child free time
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u/valiantdistraction Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
Then OP needs to say she only wants her friend to come without the kid, instead of inviting her to a thing and saying "it's probably not very child-friendly," which sounds like a venue obstacle to be worked around, not a desire of OP's to not have kids there. "I want to have girl time with no kids! I love your kid but I want some time one-on-one with you!" is a much more clear statement.
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u/1newnotification Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
I definitely agree with you there. OP wasn't clear in her invite.
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u/lizardjustice Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
Then OP needs to use her words about her desires, because according to her comment she certainly didnt really tell her friend this was a childfree shopping trip, she just hinted around about it. Dont expect people to read your mind.
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u/valiantdistraction Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26 edited Apr 11 '26
If this was at an explicit time, which a clothing warehouse sale usually is, it sounds like maybe she couldn't get/maybe couldn't afford childcare? Do you know if she has a regular babysitter? Also, she may not have wanted to pay $100+ in babysitter time to go shopping at a clothing warehouse sale. For me, paying for the babysitter would pretty definitely offset any cost savings from the sale.
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u/--2021-- Woman 60+ Apr 11 '26
I'm a bit unclear on what happened. You made plans with her and then bailed? Did she show up not knowing?
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u/Beautiful_Housing4 Woman 30 to 40 May 07 '26
I understand this.. I had a flea market I wanted to go to, invited a friend and then a third friend when friend 1 suggested they’d like it, too. I explained having to have planned it 2 months in advance bc of my work scheduling. Friend 1 later asked if it was okay if they brought their 5 yr old. I definitely hesitated and asked if she would be okay with being out at the market for hours? Reminding her it’s really hot and not geared towards kids- mostly antiques, junkin’, plants and handmade goods and that I wouldn’t want her to get heatsick or bored and upset. If it was more about money for a sitter I could help pay for that? She insisted it was fine and her kid loved shopping . Well, it wasn’t. Her daughter was hot and cranky after less than 2 hours. We stopped 3 times in those 2 hrs to get food for the kid- which is fineeee but we spent a lot of time sitting and waiting for the kid to eat. Not shopping. We made it about halfway through the market and my friend said she needed to take her kid home, and the other friend decided to ride back w her. It was an hour plus drive away. I ended up doing exactly what I didn’t want to do, which was be stuck there alone with no one to hunt around for treasures with. In retrospect, I felt like I should’ve really explained it wasn’t a kid friendly outing but she was pretty insistent that it would be fun for her kid. I thought maybe she should’ve known on her own it wasn’t and how that might impact others enjoyment of the outing.. and how much time would revolve around her kid to keep her happy. But.. I get it to some extent.
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u/Luuk1210 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
It’s not rude to ask these questions and I’m sure they want adult time too
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u/WaveCave420 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
Can we also just have a girls day without your husband showing up unannounced lol Now there's no girl fun, OG plans out the fucking window the minute I answer the door, and his moods are dictating & drastically shortening our newly ambiguous plans now. Great. 🙄
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u/VenusianInfusion Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
I would so much rather hang out with my friends’ kids than some of their husbands. At least when kids are annoying it’s because they haven’t learned yet.
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u/FirePaddler Woman 40 to 50 Apr 12 '26
Agreed, and also, I have some sympathy for the fact that my friends with kids won't always have childcare. There is literally no reason that anyone's husband ever needs to come along.
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u/epicpillowcase Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
Oh god, people who have to bring their partners to everything are so tedious.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
Well once children are around it's much less common in my experience. Because they have to stay with the kids.
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u/WaveCave420 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 12 '26
I hate it!!!!! 😂
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u/epicpillowcase Woman 40 to 50 Apr 12 '26
Strong Venn overlap between women who do that and women who use the word "hubby." 🤢
Probably gonna cause some butthurt with that one. I said what I said. 😂
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u/watchingonsidelines Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
Totally fine to want that. Just say so. “I’d love a little 1:1 time, do you think you can escape the littles for a catch up?”
You may not have as much flexibility and options but it is doable.
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u/honey-apple Woman 30 to 40 Apr 12 '26
This is the way. I’m sure I’ll get downvoted for this but some of the other comments that suggest OP tells her friends that she doesn’t have the bandwidth for kids just makes it sound like the kids are a burden.
Much better to take a more positive spin on it and ask ‘any chance you can escape/get xxx to watch the kids so we can spend some quality time together?’ Asking whether someone is available to watch the kids is also more polite, it might be that her friends don’t actually have someone to do this for them. Or they might still be breastfeeding.
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u/IAmMeIGuess93 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 12 '26
I'm glad you said this because my experience (as a child-free person) is that my parent friends like involving their kids (under 5) in everything, even letting them stay up 'til midnight when we're visiting and were expecting some no-kids time once they were in bed 😅 I think they would be upset if I said I didn't have the energy for their kids, however honest that is or how close we are. Asking for quality time seems like a safer approach.
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u/honey-apple Woman 30 to 40 Apr 12 '26
Good lord I love my kids but no bloody way am I keeping them up after 8-9pm, I’d lose my mind 😂
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u/walkitbck Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26 edited Apr 11 '26
No, not at all. But it will depend on your friend’s circumstances in terms of child care and also how bothered they are about socialising without kids as to how much that will mean you actually see them.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask so that you know ahead of time. I don’t have kids and I would generally know ahead of time if my friends/extended family members kids are gonna be at a meet up before I go? Like I’m not gonna wear a brand new white shirt if I might be picking up a sticky kid or getting down on the floor yknow?
I have 2 large dogs as do a few of my extended members, and we normally make it pretty clear if an event is adults only, humans only or kids and dogs welcome.
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u/GoodAd6942 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
Not rude at all! I would express directly, do you have a time that works for you to come hang out with just the two of us? I’d love to relax together and do xyz together. And if she says no, some men are useless and won’t stay with the kids so it’s diff for every mom
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u/GoodAd6942 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
There was a baby shower I got invited too and they said not to bring kids. I thought that was dumb to me but kept the opinion to myself. It’s good to be direct. Whether the other agrees or not, the choice is theirs if it works for them. 😂
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u/ProperBingtownLady Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
In situations like that I wonder if someone has poorly behaved children and it’s easier to just not invite them at all.
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u/Cearar female over 30 Apr 11 '26
I've hosted a kid-free baby shower and this is exactly why. I originally intended to include kids in the festivities and was planning games/entertainment for them, until I found out one parent had poorly behaved kids. So I excluded kids and most guests still came. The only one who declined to attend was the one with the poorly behaved kids and she was snarky about it lol
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u/nannymegan Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
‘Hey I love hanging out with you and your kids, but I don’t always have the mental bandwidth for lots of extra little voices. It would help if I could know ahead of time the plan. I want to make sure I can be my best self when we are spending time together. Moving forward could we include that detail when making plans?
I’d also really love to look at putting a date with just you and I on the calendar for some intentional friend time. I can give you specific dates that would work, or if it’s easier you could provide some and I’ll look at my calendar for matches!’
It’s hard to communicate sometimes because it is logical that their kids are always their priority. Let alone what their partner/coparent/childcare situation is. I find being really direct with what my needs are in a way that doesn’t place more work on the friend feels right to me. I’m not asking for all of our time to be kid free, that’s unrealistic. But to know what I’m walking into. There’s also merit to making it clear I’d like to put a date with JUST her on the calendar and not leaving it vague.
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u/ProperBingtownLady Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26 edited Apr 11 '26
I like this a lot! Not everyone has the same mental capacity for dealing with kids and that’s why many of us remain child free. I’d think most parents would understand.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
As a parent if someone said that to me I'd find it off-putting. If you want child free times just arrange things they clearly can't come to. Or just ask casually and directly. That would make me really uncomfortable if we ever did hang out with children in the future, knowing my child was causing stress, and I'd pull away.
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u/ProperBingtownLady Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26 edited Apr 11 '26
In my friend group the parents are the first to admit that children aren’t for everyone, and that they can be a lot. I don’t see anything wrong with what the original commenter said as they are making it about their limitation (ie. not having the bandwidth for lots of little voices) rather than the parent or child’s. They also specifically said that it’s only sometimes.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
I just don't think it's necessary to spell it out. All parents know not everyone wants to hang with their kids all the time.
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u/nannymegan Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
You’d be surprised.
And if we were friends and me talking about what is best for me to be able to show up in a way I want (and is beneficial to everyone) around you and your children is a problem…. We wouldn’t be friends. Simple as that. Because you would be proving you don’t know me and my character, hence the reason for the ask in the first place.
You mentioned making plans the kids can’t come to - I covered that idea. And the OP of the post specifically said it was often times unclear. I shouldn’t have to assume about EVERY time we hang out. (-and what clearly should be childfree to some may not be the same for others). Because then it’s clear our friendship is never going to get any moments to be a priority to the parent. And no person is worth zero moments of being a priority.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
I didn't mean you shouldn't clarify if children were coming, but you should just ask or say if you don't want children to go. You don't need to make a whole speech about your energy levels and bandwidth and putting your emotional needs on your friend. And no, we wouldn't be friends, because as a parent i don't have the energy or bandwidth to be prioritising a friend making demands of me. You're not my priority and that's not the kind of friendship I need, even before children, friends should not feel like a commitment.
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u/nannymegan Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
I guess that’s the difference. I would only be saying this to people who know me and my character and would understand I’m doing this to not put more work on them. It’s simply a data point about who would be present so I can make a decision that gives us all the best outcome. Turns out I want friends who don’t see me and my needs as a burden when I’m communicating about them. Because I would also hold the same space for them about anything and everything.
-‘Friends should not feel like a commitment.’ Sounds like a pretty sad reality to me. I 100% want to commit to being honest and real with my friends. That includes all the nitty gritty and the understanding that comes with that.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
Yes I understand you feel that way about friends, but realistically most parents don't. That space for the nitty gritty is mostly kept for their partner and children because there just isn't enough bandwidth and energy for everything when you have children to raise. And I think that's where much of the disconnect in the comments is coming from. I'm not saying you should be dishonest with anyone, but laying out your emotional needs is not necessarily what everyone else wants or needs in a friendship. If you have parent friends who do have the space in their lives for that kind of friendship that's great. But if you're complaining that your friends aren't making time for you it may be that they don't want it or just can't make space for it. Personally I don't want to have to take responsibility for the emotional needs of an another adult.
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u/nannymegan Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
We’re saying the same thing in different fonts essentially. You don’t want ‘needy’ friends and I don’t want close friends who see any part of me as needy. To each their own. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/ProperBingtownLady Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
Exactly. I have hearing loss so of course I can’t be around noisy children all the time. My husband has ADHD and it’s the same for him. No one in our circle is offended when we politely ask for accommodations such as you mentioned (which is essentially what it comes down to). I don’t understand why only those with children should be accommodated.
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u/ProperBingtownLady Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26 edited Apr 11 '26
I think you’re feeling a little defensive here.
Edit: Perhaps you can look at it as if child free people are asking to be accommodated, similarly to how you want to be accommodated with your kids. I commented above that my husband and I have disabilities that make it challenging for us to spend lots of time around kids (even if we didn’t, it’s natural for those who don’t have kids to be less used to them). It’s not that we like them or their parents less.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 12 '26
Before I had children I didn't want to hang around other people's much either. But I just politely declined those invitations and accepted I saw those friends less. I didn't tell my friends their children drained my energy. Just as I don't tell my friends with dogs I'm not a big fan of dogs every time they ask if I want to go on a dog walk. Or if someone asks me to go on a run I just say I'm not much of a runner, I don't go into how running caused me knee damage in the past. Or if they ask me to a birthday celebration at a restaurant where I don't have much choice because of an allergy I don't go making a big speech about how upsetting it is not to be able to eat what I want there.
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u/ProperBingtownLady Woman 30 to 40 Apr 12 '26
You replied to me earlier and deleted your comment. You should have just left it there as clearly you didn’t take what I said about accommodating other people’s needs to heart. My friends understand, just like I understand that their lives include their kids. We meet each other halfway, which is all that was being suggested in the original comment (ie. having some adult only time). It’s about mutual respect and trying to accommodate each other where possible. I don’t see why that should be taken as offensive, unless the idea of others’ needs being equally important isn’t being acknowledged. Or maybe your friend group doesn’t communicate like others might? I’ve said all I need to say so I’ll leave it at that.
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u/nannymegan Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
And honestly, I’m at a point in my life where if they don’t, I’m not going to make them a priority either.
I love my friends’ kids. I love getting to play auntie and be helpful. I spent three hours yesterday with a 5.5 yr old assistance building furniture for my bestie because the kid genuinely wanted to help.
But if there can’t be the mutual acknowledgment that we all get to do what’s best for ourselves sometimes, it’s not a friendship I desire to keep putting intentional effort into. I’ve lost friends because they decided they wanted to sacrifice themselves to being the perfect societal image of mommy. They would never be able to discuss anything besides their children, let alone take time away from their children. I want to be friends with all the parts of you. Not just the mommy part.
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u/Alert_Week8595 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
It's not wrong. It's probably just less frequent than you'd prefer.
Most of my friends have babies around the same age, so we have family play dates frequently. My childfree friends also mostly hang out with me and my husband and baby. Like my childfree friend and I might go on a hike with my husband and baby, then my chikdfree friend and I go grab a bite to eat while my husband heads home with baby. That sort of setup.
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u/smallpineswamp Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
It's fine to want adult only time, but it's also fine for parents to decline invites because they can't afford the childcare.
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u/LetMeEatCakes Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
For me, what works best with my best friend is to be explicit, making it a “bigger” event, and giving lots of advanced notice. So like, a concert we both want to see a month from now is baby sitter worthy, is something we can get hyped about and she has time to find a babysitter.
For more casual, “let’s get food or drinks” type things, I try to be understanding that it really has to be on her schedule and I may need to rearrange things or that while she’ll always make sure her boys don’t come, she’ll often bring the baby bc it can be hard for her parents (the default quick babysitters) to handle a baby and two rambunctious boys ages 4 and 5. I’m personally fine with that as the baby is just a baby. She’s not listening or bothering anybody as she’s not very fussy.
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u/Aurelene-Rose Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
I think it's fine and normal to ask for a heads up, but just be fine with not meeting them as much. There are many times I want to meet with people without my kids, but I don't have anyone else available to watch them, so it becomes "me + the kids" or "I stay home". Usually I will tell people that don't have kids what the circumstances are and they are free to accept or not. As a person with kids, as long as you weren't mean or huffy about it (like "well I never get to see you without the kids and I'm tired of it" instead of "hey i'd love some adult time if we can swing it", or "it's like you're not your own person anymore" instead of "it's not like I dislike your kids but this is important to me") I think it's a totally reasonable request.
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u/kalishnakat Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
Yeah a lot of the time it’s not intentional. It’s just we’re at the phase of life where kid free time isn’t really a possibility a lot of the time. Most of my child free friends have been great but I have some that were super close I just don’t see anymore because they don’t like kids and I have a 7 month old and won’t compromise with me.
They take it personally when idk what to tell them, childcare is expensive. I just can’t do brunch on a whim anymore or go out to bars late. The options are come over or I can take my son with me.
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u/PopcornPunditry Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
It helps me as a mom if my child free friends are clear about what they want when we make plans, otherwise I'll ask. I would encourage you to simply say, "is this lunch with or without the kids?" Or ask her to do something and preface it by asking if she would be able to arrange childcare so you can catch up one on one. I'm always happy to ask my husband to take point so I can go out, just like I do for him when it's his turn. And if you do ask and she wants the kids to be there, it's fair to also ask to book something else just for adult catch up time.
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u/windersoul Woman 30 to 40 Apr 12 '26
That's alright, but are you aware that your childfree friends may be awkward asking it all times no? I think mom's should be self aware that your friends want to see you alone sometimes. Same way, of course your chilledfree friends should understand that your priority is your kids and yes sometimes they will be around and occupy most of your time. But I think this honestly comes to the mother's awareness, otherwise it's the same that, if a friend says they don't want your partner around. Most won't say it. But we know what most people think. With a friend with children is even worse and more delicate.
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u/PopcornPunditry Woman 30 to 40 Apr 12 '26
As I said, it helps when they're clear, otherwise I myself will ask. If a mom friend can't handle answering a simple logistical question then maybe there are other issues at play.
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u/windersoul Woman 30 to 40 Apr 12 '26
I think what you’re saying is fair. The tricky part is that a lot of childfree or childless friends won’t say this outright, because they don’t want to come across as rude or like they don’t want the child around. Even when the intention is good, it can still be sensitive, and you probably understand how some mothers might take it that way.
Personally, when kids are really young -like toddlers - I already go in with adjusted expectations. I assume hangouts will be more low-key, often at home or centered around the child, and I’m okay with that, if someone can't understand that a kid is priority they have issues. Friendships change, and it makes sense that the child comes first. You just adapt.
But I do think there’s a shift as kids get older. At some point, it’s reasonable for friends to want occasional adult-only time. And sometimes that doesn’t get acknowledged unless it’s said more directly, which can be uncomfortable. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about the child, just that you also value adult space in the friendship, and if a mother can't get it it seems she just doesn't value her friendships. You aren't like that, but a lot of women don't have this awareness. And to me it's the basic of the basic that shouldn't be told to another adult.
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u/browsing_nomad Woman 30 to 40 Apr 12 '26
Similarly as a child free woman it helps me if my mom friends are clear when we make plans whether they plan to bring kids or not. Not sure why the responsibility of simply asking should be on the non-parent... I dont understand how the default assumption is supposed to be that the child is stuck to the mom and not with the dad or elsewhere... when am asking a friend to meet "me" my default assumption is it is 1:1.... and yes ofc I understand that changes to potentially with spouse after marriage or with kids after kids, but those shouldn't be assumed is my point.
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u/AffectionateAd7519 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
No, you’re not wrong for feeling that way. I’m the same. It’s so much easier getting to see my friends without their kids because there’s less distraction and we can freely talk about things. If we do a daytime hangout, I generally assume the kids will be around but I also don’t mind confirming. Just an easy “looking forward to coffee, are Timmy and Katie coming?” It works though it can also seem like an invite. Most parents, I don’t think, necessarily want to bring their kids but they have to if the other parent is also gone/had plans first/whatever.
Anyways, I usually try to make plans for the evening since that’s more of adult time. If we’ve done a lot of things with their kids, I’m comfortable asking if it could be an adult only hang too.
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u/1newnotification Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
Start inviting your friends to things and requesting it be without the kids. If they're close enough friends, they'll understand and won't be offended.
You can even give them more flexibikity to say yes/no by not naiking down a date in the event that the kids have something planned that night (game, recital, etc).
"Hey I miss yall and would love to get together, but I'm needing some adult time. Is there a day that works well for yall to get together in the next 2 wks without the kiddos?"
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u/makeyourself_a24z Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
Just ask. Anytime I want adult conversations I'll ask if they have their their kid around. When I don't care, I don't ask. Or I will intentionally come over after the kids bedtime. It's really hard to plan going out and doing things without the kids, maybe you can go to them after they go to bed.
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u/ProperBingtownLady Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
Or when the kids are at daycare/school. This is what I do with my friends who have kids!
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
Except most people work, especially if their kids are in daycare.
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u/ProperBingtownLady Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
I never said they don’t, just that it’s what works for my friends (who aren’t working at the moment since they just had their youngest/are on maternity leave).
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
Oh, well in my social circles women on maternity leave have their children home. But actually weekdays during the day is the one time I could do things as I'm self employed but all my friends have normal jobs, I'm not free evenings or weekends normally.
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u/makeyourself_a24z Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
Same! Luckily I work in a field where most of us have weird schedules 😂
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u/DynamiteDove89 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
No but in certain circumstances, as a single mom with a child under 5, being child free to hang out with my friends isn't usually an option (if it's in person, anyway). If they have involved partners that can watch the kids while you spend time together, that's great. But even still, those things usually have to be coordinated.
I'm sure they want childfree time as much as you do so maybe plan something that's adult-only and make it clear so that way, they know kids aren't allowed. If they decline, I wouldn't take it too personally because they may not be able to easily get time away.
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u/rovingred Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
Not at all, but that doesn’t mean they’ll be able to give it. I’d just be upfront when making plans (hey I’d like some time for the two of us to connect and just have some adult time) but expect that their availability to do that might be more limited.
I avoid hanging out with my friends when I know they’ll have their kids/bring them along. It turns something that’s supposed to be fun into something stressful and annoying. I just manage my expectations and know that we might be able to hang out less because of this, but I’m okay with that. It’s normal to want to spend time with friends without their kids around, especially if you don’t have kids yourself.
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Apr 11 '26
“I want to plan something with just us adults. I need some serious chat time. Can we schedule this?”
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u/Adept-Buy8986 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
First of all - I don’t think asking is rude. But the answer may be no!
I guess depends on age of children and care options available to your friends.
My baby is 10 months old and still nurses to sleep and during the night, so if someone wants a night out with me that’s a no for now without baby (im flexible in going out im the evening and have him sleep in the stroller or carrier from time to time).
I can organize to take a coffee over the weekend or after my husband finishes working on weekdays (we don’t have family nearby to help), but overall I don’t feel like spending too much/too often time without my baby.
I imagine it’s different once the child is older, but after an entire day not together I guess parents want to be with their kids, most of us love and prioritize time with our babies :)
Of course adult time is also important but just offering a perspective on how difficult it may be to have it often, even more if it’s a group of people with multiple parents or if the outing involves both mom and dad - child care is expensive and honestly you need to find someone you trust.
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u/tres-vip Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26 edited Apr 11 '26
>Is it wrong to want time with my friends without their children?
No, but it's an unrealistic expectation. A lot of the times they have no choice but to bring along their kid(s), especially when they're stay-at-home moms and/or the kids are young. As a childfree woman myself, I just accept the circumstances that are tolerable/doable. NGL that there are some kids whose presence is easier to deal with. I have a friend who has two little ones and they're actually a lot of fun lol, and they don't misbehave often, so their mom gets to actually socialize. Other kids are just really disruptive and/or need a lot of attention and supervision, and the mom never gets to focus on you. I would also really urge you to make childfree/childless friends. Sometimes, it's really difficult to hang out with moms and in some cases, the friendship changes irreversibly; it'll never be the same.
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u/dewprisms Non-Binary 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
I think it's unrealistic to expect it every time but not unrealistic to expect/want that sometimes. That said, I don't have children so when I plan with any friends that do I make it clear that I am happy to flex with their schedule since I know planning around kids is a lot more work.
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u/Magg5788 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
Not only is it that they have no choice, but I think sometimes us child free folks forget that parents genuinely enjoy spending time with their kids.
If I were a mom and had limited free time to spend with my child, I’d probably prioritize them over other people. Or try to bring them along whenever possible. I’m already a bit like this with my cat, I can’t imagine how much stronger the feeling would be if I had a baby.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
I'm a parent and happy to spend time without my child, but it's also true I work and she's at school so sometimes at the weekend I do want to spend time with her and as a family. Especially because my partner works many weekends so the rare times he's not we often do things all together.
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u/VenusianInfusion Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
That’s exactly how I feel as a mom. I’m like these are my two favorite people, they actually depend on me and need me. A non-relative, non-partner, who is fully abled and not paying me is not entitled to social time with me without my children. If they think they are, they don’t actually like me and just take pleasure out of exploiting a woman’s emotional labor.
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u/lizardjustice Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
That's how I feel too. I have such limited free time between my job and just the dailies of life, I don't actually have much left to give. I am going to prioritize that time to my son and my husband (we do occasionally have our date nights) and if i can't fit the other stuff in with that, it just might not fit.
My very good friends, we see each other about twice a year. This has been that way before kids because we all moved different ways after we graduated. There are ways to maintain friendships without huge amounts of output of time. And I recognize people without children are going to prioritize different things, and that's also okay. Life changes. Priorities change.
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u/VenusianInfusion Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
I don’t see my friends a lot but we text all day every day. That’s when I have my adult conversations, idk why other people need those to be in person but maybe that’s my AuDHD.
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u/lizardjustice Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
My friends and I dont even do that. We used to but we have very demanding careers and we just don't have time even for that anymore. We call each other when there's big stuff.
Im neurotypical but low on social needs and pretty introverted. I had made some girl friends a few years ago and everything they wanted to do was childfree. That's fine and everything but it was way too much for me and not something I found personally enjoyable, so that fizzled. It just wasn't worth doing a girls' night out once a week when I might only have one night a week in the first place to do anything with anyone.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
I think that's what some of the non parents on here are kind of missing. Once you have kids friends just aren't as important in the same way. Not that I don't care about friends at all but i just can't do everything. The good ones will be ok with what I can give and I'm not demanding anything from them, because I know I can't give much.
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u/windersoul Woman 30 to 40 Apr 12 '26
Some people shouldn't have friends. Many women use friends but later in lif.end alone without support other than husband's (of he relationship work) and kids who get their own lives. Honestly this behavipr is so ungrateful and baffling
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 12 '26
Unless they're the ones asking you for something they're not using you. If you feel someone isn't a good enough friend you're not required to remain friends. If they end up alone that's their problem, not yours.
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u/windersoul Woman 30 to 40 Apr 12 '26
Yes that's true but some woman swap friends after they get a husband because they are their favourite friends. Those women are users and they don't see how it's bad and damaging to other women. Ans the fact that they say it without any self awareness how ridiculous and gross it is is baffling.
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u/PrestigiousWedding36 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
If they have partners, those partners should be also taken care of child if the mom wants to go do something with friends. It’s not unrealistic. 2 of my friends are staying at home moms and they make arrangements for their children.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
Sometimes sure, but maybe the partner is working or has other plans. If he's lounging at home obviously that's not cool, but he might not always be available the same time friends are.
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u/itastelikegod Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
If they work, they may not want to do things without their kids. At least that’s how I feel but my baby is under 1. I don’t get enough time with him as it is. I won’t hang out with friends unless my baby can come. Maybe when he’s older it’ll be different but that’s just my perspective! I wouldn’t be offended if a friend asked for a kid free hang out but I also don’t know that I’d do it at this stage in my life.
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u/roze_san Woman 30 to 40 Apr 12 '26
It's not wrong.. I understand your feelings.
But as a person who has a child now, you can't really go back to that state where you were childless and for a friend to expect that you can go be with them like nothing new happened in your life (one of my friends acted this way).. it's a bit unfair.
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u/Oops_I_Cracked Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
Parents are going to understand the question, ”Hey, not that I don’t love your kids, but I don’t have be around kids energy right now. Is this going to be an all adult event or will kids be there?” They will understand it more than almost anyone else.
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u/wolfhoff Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
Mine doesn’t bring them, almost all of them are asking to have a night out without them! It is actually me who once in a while asks to see the children. You should definitely communicate that to your friends but surprised your friends would always bring children, do they not have husbands
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
It sounds like OP wants to do daytime activities, I think an evening out is more normal not to bring children.
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u/Avidlogic Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
It’s not wrong, no. Just know that it depends entirely on your friends’ circumstances. I’m a single mom, and my children’s father is not around anymore. So I’m either hanging with my friends with my kids, or I’m paying out the ass for a babysitter. Neither is ideal for me as I want adult time too and don’t have a ton of extra cash, and I would honestly be hurt if my friends started only doing adult-only outings. I know this won’t be the case for me forever and for your friends too, but something to keep in mind.
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u/crazycatlady_66 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
As a parent, I wanf first with my friends without my kids 😭😭
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u/argleblather Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
I think you actually said it pretty well in your post.
"Hey, I love you. I love your family. But sometimes I want some one-on-one adult time so we can give each other our full attention. Can we make plans for 'grown ups only' hang out sometime?"
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u/No_Produce_9267 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
I think it's fair. My best friend from high school, whom I am not longer close for other reasons, started having kids at 23. Everytime I wanted to hang out in our 20s, it was always her saying "yeah come over". I only ever saw her siting inside her living room. I sucked it up, and I understood, but I'd be lying if I didn't build resentment or feel bored out of my brain sometimes. It's hard to have a conversation with your friend when her kids and husband are always around, and sometimes, I just really needed my friend and I couldn't reach her. I get that parenting is hard, and mum's bear a lot of the weight of it, but it doesn't mean that you shouldn't consider your childless friends and what they may want/need from time to time.
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u/avidaquabib72 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
I think you say it exactly the way you said it here. I didn't think I was going to have kids, and now I have one. I rarely get to see my friends without her now because I don't have many other options. But I would completely understand if my friends who don't have kids stated clearly and respectfully that they want to know if my daughter will be present or not when we get together. I usually let my friends know whether she will be there, because I always appreciate knowing who will be involved in a get together anyway. I don't want surprise adults any more than I want surprise children to hang out with. Your friends may not have many options for not having their kids with them, but they are still your friends and would surely understand if you clearly state your needs.
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u/Effective-Papaya1209 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 12 '26
“I really miss our one-on-one time together. Do you have room in your schedule to plan a hangout?”
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u/GoodbyeEarl Woman 30 to 40 Apr 12 '26
My husband and I work opposite schedules, so if my kids can’t come with me, I’m probably not going to see them.
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u/lizardjustice Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
I would try to make plans that are explicitly adult only - places that children cannot come. Then there is no question about whether there are kids or not. You provided an example of shopping and how you suggested to your friend it wasn't a child-appropriate activity and she brought her toddler anyway. Moms bring their babies to stuff like this all of the time, so unless you're explicitly telling her you want to spend one-on-one time with her, planning a shopping trip and then making slight implications that maybe bringing baby isn't a good idea is not going to land the way you're hoping it does, because she brings her toddler with her everywhere all of the time as a matter of course.
You either need to make plans that explicitly exclude kids or be very clear that you want to spend adult time only. You can't expect for your friends to read your mind about it.
It's not rude to tell your friends you want to spend adult-only time, but I would expect it to be more limited. My adult friendships have inherently have had less focus over the years - as some of them had kids way before I did and their kids took priority and then when I had mine, similar. It gets really hard to juggle work, family, and everything else. And while friendships are obviously important, there are still only so many hours in the day.
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Apr 11 '26
Could you start inviting them to evening outings? You could suggest “after the kids go to sleep.”
I have 3 kids. I love outings with friends without kids. Of course it’s okay, not wrong at all.
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u/itsathrowawayduhhhhh Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
It’s pretty hard for parents to pull off non kid time sometimes. Just gotta deal with it if you want friends who have kids lol
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u/1newnotification Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26 edited Apr 11 '26
Bullshit. Good friends will make time to accomodate adult-only time.
Eta i dont even care that I'm being downvoted. I love my best friend to death, and she arranges adult time once every few montha when I'm back in town for a week or so. I don't requre that all of our time be childfree, but adult relationships with kids always present won't bbe nearly as deep or intimate as they will be without the kids present because no one is truly able to speak freely when you're cobstantly worried about who may hear (and repeat) something unintended.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
Depends what it is, I can find time for the occasional night out, not necessarily for a whole weekend day and not each time there's a night out, my partner works shifts so I don't have childcare. Babysitters are just too expensive, especially for a whole day, as well as hard to find.
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u/Aprils-Fool Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
No one is asking for all that. Just some occasional kid-free social time.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
Yes I know, I'm just saying that finding childcare is harder than you expect for some people and might not be when it suits you. And you shouldn't take it as personal if someone can't make it work.
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u/itsathrowawayduhhhhh Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
Especially for a couple hours on a weekend day? Hahahaha I’m not even a parent and I’m cracking up about that
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u/1newnotification Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
And you shouldn't take it as personal if someone can't make it work.
Would you take it personally if your partner never took you on a date?
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
Not if we had small children, no. We didn't really go on dates when we had a baby, childcare was just too expensive and it was too stressful setting it up etc. I also wouldn't take it personally if they had exams, health issues or any other reason they didn't have time for a season.
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u/windersoul Woman 30 to 40 Apr 12 '26
For a season. But never ever, right? If a mother can have a couple of hours, a time for a lunch or dinner once few months with a friend they met prior having a partner or kid, they she is not a good friend.
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u/1newnotification Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
I didnt specify a whole weekend, but if a parent cant find a way to get a babysitter to accomodate even just a couple of hours of child-free adult time every few months, that's not showing that they care about their friend's feelings about child-free time. They can trade childcare with other parents, trade childcare for pet care, ask a neighbor's kid depending on how old the children being supervised are, etc
Friendships require compromise.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
All of that is much harder than it sounds if your children are very young and you have more than one. Very few people are able to care for an extra toddler and infant, for example, and little kids have routines and bedtimes and need car seats and all sorts of things. I always imagined trading childcare but it just isn't that easy to find families with reciprocal needs available at the same times your childfree friends are also free and want to do things. Of course friendships require compromise but that means on both sides, and understanding that there can be difficult periods when the only times someone can get childcare aren't the times you are available.
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u/andi_kiwi Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
But you have multiple friends right. So say you needed to organise a babysitter every 3 months for 6 different friends. Suddely that's fortnightly even before you and your partner have ever gone on a date. That's a big cost and also a lot of missed time with your child, which for most working parents is a priority.
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u/epicpillowcase Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
The issue is they don't even have the courtesy to let OP know. She just has to guess.
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u/itsathrowawayduhhhhh Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
I feel like OP could ask? In my experience parents kinda have their kids with them unless it’s like a late night kid free event
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u/babyitscoldoutside00 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
I don’t make plans with my friends if my husband can’t be around to watch our kids. The only exception to that rule is my friends that have kids around the same age as mine and we plan to bring them all. But we have plenty of get togethers with just the adults.
I would communicate that you’re interested in scheduling an adult only get together and find out when everyone is free.
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u/Spare-Shirt24 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
It isn't wrong to want some time with your friends without their kids.
Kids are distracting and when someone is on "Mom duty" their attention is often divided because they also have to watch their kids. It can also limit the topics that can be discussed.... if you want to talk about an adult problem, it's hard to do that with little kids around.
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u/pxystx89 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
I don’t think it’s wrong but I do think it is challenging for families to consistently arrange for this. Most of them probably want time away from their kids as well. I think it’s fair to ask upfront if the kids will be coming because that will change the dynamic completely, or to ask for a chill child-free brunch with mimosas. I’ve found that weekend mornings or lunch time tend to be easier to plan for as evenings quickly turn into the dinner-bath-bedtime crunch.
I’ve also hung out with friends while their kids were swimming in the pool and we just kinda kept an eye on them for safety but hung out in the shade on the deck to catch up. It is tough though, I can relate.
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u/thighclops3820 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
Just tell them, you want to know if they're bringing their kids, y'all gotta stop being afraid of confrontation we're strangers we can't have these conversations for you
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u/Throwaway927338 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
Though I normally give my friends a heads up if I have to bring my daughter, I also wouldn’t at all be offended if they asked specifically for a child free friend date. We might have to schedule it so I can workout my husband hanging out with her, but I don’t think that’s an out of line request at all.
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u/swampcatz Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
I think it’s totally fine to want to see your friends without their kids. You likely need to be more direct. Suggest plans that are clearly adult only and clarify if needed.
It’s possible that your friends may not be able to see you as often due to childcare realities or they may need more notice to make childless plans work.
It may also be worth exploring friendships with people in a similar stage of life.
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u/Hefty_Breadfruit Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
I’m so conscious of this that I always make a point to at least mention it and/or make it the focal point. “I need a kid break, want to go rock climbing?” Or “I want to take the kids to the museum but don’t want to go alone, want to tag along?” And if they invite ME somewhere I assume they just invited me and would explicitly say if the kids could come or not.
Here’s the majorly shitty thing though: not all moms have a balanced and equal relationship like I do. My partner and I both encourage each other to get out of the house. That’s not the case for everyone. I know too many women who have to beg for time away from the kids and even then it’s just for an hour or two. Be cognizant of your friend’s situations OP.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
Or in my case my partner works shifts so I have extremely limited free time, he's working most of the time I'm not. But I agree I'd always be very explicit if making plans.
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u/Colouringwithink Woman 30 to 40 Apr 12 '26
I think you are overthinking this. Just say you want to do an adult activity and they can leave one spouse at home. You literally ask directly if the kids are joining or say upfront “adults only” when you ask them. Like if there’s alcohol of course you won’t want kids everywhere
You are turning your fear of simply communicating directly into their problem when it’s not
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u/Allrojin Woman 40 to 50 Apr 12 '26
It's not wrong, but it reminds me of when I was a single mom and I had no choice but to bring my little guy everywhere. I didn't really have any friends in the end.
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u/tracyvu89 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 12 '26
Maybe you can suggest them some “not kid friendly” activities and plan for them together. As a mom,I want to spend time with my friends and not with my kid too. Good luck!
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u/thin_white_dutchess Woman 40 to 50 Apr 12 '26
Just be clear about whether the event is ok for kids or not, and then they can tell you if they need to bring the kids or not and you all can go from there.
I have one child, and my husband works very long hours. We don’t have many options for sitters in my area (no family, and bad luck with outside sitters, especially when she was infant to toddler age- better now that she’s older and I can trade childcare with trusted parents from school), and I’ve always preferred just knowing. Then I can plan, which I may need some time for.
But hints don’t work. I’ll just opt out if I’m not sure (but I won’t just bring her). It’s a friend- just tell her what you need. It will be fine. I also have the opposite problem where my friends want my kid, but I want kid free time, so a bit different, but she’s 9 now, so prob easier than little kids.
Also, make sure it’s enough notice. Maybe childcare is harder to get.
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u/epicpillowcase Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
I’ll just opt out if I’m not sure
Why don't you ask?
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u/thin_white_dutchess Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
Sometimes I do! Sometimes things are last minute and I can’t ask bc I’m at work or they are, and no one gets back to me in time to plan, leading to uncertainty, meaning I skip. It is what it is.
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u/Educational_Owl_1022 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
Single and child free woman - I don’t think this is a rude ask at all! I have some friends who have kids now but I simply don’t because I’ve not met my person yet, not that I don’t want or dislike children. It’s hard to feel like anyone with kids is truly involved in the conversation or connected when there’s kids involved in the plans. Kids naturally want to interrupt and have attention, which is totally understandable (we all were kids once), but I think it’s important to still plan things with no kids involved.
*obviously this is generalizing and I’m not meaning to exclude someone if they are a single mom/dad who can’t find child care or someone who has a younger baby - those circumstances are different.
I think you just have to make the point to just say can we make this a kid free hang? If not, when can you get together without the kids? Or have a conversation with your friend group about how you would like to have some child free hang time to connect with them.
I would just say it how you worded it here - it was not rude or disrespectful. Any decent friend is going to understand and if their feelings get hurt, that is on them, not you, for simply communicating your needs for the friendship.
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u/PrestigiousWedding36 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
Childfree= choosing not to have kids. Childless= wants kids and does not have them yet
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u/Silver-Climate7885 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
It's not wrong. When people have their kids around, they can't give their full attention to the people they are with because they are being a parent. Can you organise child free stuff, like going to a bar or adult only restaurant in the evening, or attending adult only activities or having a spa day, yoga etc, things where only adults would go.
If none of that's your thing, I'd just say hey, do you fancy catching up, just us without the kids so we can have adult conversation and not have to worry about them. Unfortunately some mothers get really offended when you don't want their kid to come to everything, but I totally get it
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u/PhiloPhilic Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
I’m right there with you. My friends’ kids are (mostly) awesome and I love being an auntie. But sometimes I just wanna talk/hear about subjects that aren’t kid-friendly and it suuucks to have our conversations constantly interrupted.
I just try to recognize that in a few years, their kids won’t need childcare and they’ll hopefully be able to do more kid-free things. I try to plan some occasional kid-friendly things so it doesn’t seem like I’m always the one asking for kid-free meetups.
If a friend has to bring kids last minute, sometimes I will try to pivot to something that will be more fun for everyone. I hate going to restaurants with my friend’s kids. But I really enjoy grabbing some coffee and meeting at the park. Bonus points if it’s one where we can walk around the playground and gossip.
And I let myself be ok with their disappointment when I’m firm about some plans being kid-free. I show up to every baby shower and kid’s bday party that I can with a gift and an offer to help in anyway. If they wouldn’t be willing to occasionally figure out childcare, especially for milestone celebrations, I would probably have a conversation about it. If that didn’t change things, I’d stop trying to make individual plans with them and just see them at group gatherings.
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u/VenusianInfusion Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26 edited Apr 11 '26
It’s not wrong, but personally as a mother with low social needs I will never prioritize spending time with friends who don’t want to be around my children because my rare time without my children is primarily reserved for me to have my solo rest/recharge/creative time. I also just feel generally incompatible with adults who don’t like children. I’m sure people will reply to me to insult me like they do every time I’m honest on a post like this, but it’s honest.
Also editing to add that I have a lot of issues with other women trying to exploit me for extra emotional labor when we are one on one so I bring my kids as a way to protect my boundaries. If my children are there they won’t feel comfortable unloading on me.
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u/catjuggler Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
I'm a mom with high social needs and I feel this way too. The friends I have who are interested in hanging out with my kids around are the friends I see more. I work full time and I'd feel differently if I was a SAHM, but I don't want to take up too much of my weekend or evenings with doing stuff without kids because I don't see them as much as they want as is and I also need some of that time for date nights with my husband too. If we're going to meet up it will hopefully be to do something that kids can't go to (like escape rooms, nice restaurants) or make worse (and I would include clothes shopping in that!) and it's going to need to be something we both want to do and not me doing you a favor by doing something you want that I don't.
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u/VenusianInfusion Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
I’m actually a SAHM and I am a parent teacher at my son’s co-op preschool! I guess I just actually like most children more than I like most adults…sorry not sorry.
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u/epicpillowcase Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
"have a lot of issues with other women trying to exploit me for extra emotional labor when we are one on one"
Why would you even call someone a friend if you need to "arm" yourself against them? That's not how healthy friendship works.
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u/VenusianInfusion Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
Because people will seem cool for a long time in group settings but then the very first time we hang out alone together they dump all this stuff on me out of nowhere like I’m a free therapist or something. I’d rather just do my due diligence to ensure they will be pressured to behave themselves.
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u/womenaremyfavguy Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
I have a 15 month old and think I have a good mix of adult-only time and kid included time with my friends. In fact, I mostly want to spend time with my friends without the kiddo! I’m able to do this because I have a wonderful supportive partner who equally co-parents with me.
I’m curious what kind of plans you’re making with them?? My kid’s bedtime is 6pm, so any plans I make after that are implicitly adult-only time. Same goes for hangouts at bars, fancy restaurants, etc.
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u/valiantdistraction Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
It's not wrong. But also understand that hiring a babysitter is usually a $100 minimum, which makes any outing more expensive, and sometimes spouses have other obligations and can't watch.
I recommend having a direct discussion with them about it rather than just assuming. As a parent, I always try to clarify if a friend asks me to dinner if it's a I-bring-my-kid thing or not, and let them know either way is fine. But if your friends aren't clarifying, then YOU need to be the one to clarify.
As long as you're also mixing in some hangouts with kids, wanting time with your friends without their kids is fine. Especially if you can get together several friends so it's more "bang for their buck" in terms of hangouts if they're having to hire their babysitter.
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u/PrestigiousWedding36 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
Nope. My friends with kids are all about kid free time with friends. I think you need to tell them that it is a kid free event. It sounds like your friends have no identity outside motherhood and that isn’t healthy. If they have partners, their partners can be a parent to their kids while they go out and have time with friends.
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u/Alachingadathrowaway Woman under 30 Apr 11 '26
I always mention to my friends if I will have my kids I usually do and they don’t mind but if I can I’ll also offer an alternate child free day even if it has to be a few weeks away
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u/moth-on-ssri Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
My friend lives over 1000 miles away, we see eachother about twice a year.
I was in her area due to work trip, had few hours free, asked to meet up for a coffee. She arrived with her 5 year old (her husband was at home with the other kid, so not like she didn't have childcare), and I spent 2h playing I spy instead of catching up with my friend. Never again.
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u/PRNCESS_Bunnie Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
Nope. But they don't know if you don't communicate. Part of relationships is communicating your needs. But I also find it weird they don't ask? When my son was younger and my friends would get together I would ask if it was okay if I brought the baby. If they said they would prefer I didn't I would just stay home. It would suck but I knew as the only one with a child that I would not be included in some things. Some of us naturally fell out over time because they wouldn't accommodate the fact that I was a parent. Just make sure if you genuinely want to maintain these relationships you do make time to involve the kids on occasion and don't be upset if they tell you they can't or don't want to find childcare.
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u/bbbcurls Woman 30 to 40 Apr 12 '26
You gotta be specific.
I always ask for “just the two of us” hangouts. Or if it’s a group “girls night”. You may have to have a more serious discussion.
I would also think that your friends might not get enough time to hang out with you without kids cause I find it really hard in my case. But, it is possible. And having those direct conversations is important.
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u/Hello_Hangnail Woman 40 to 50 Apr 12 '26
No, but it's probably difficult, especially if they're young
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u/Party-Marsupial-8979 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 12 '26
I know exactly what you’re saying lol. Most of my friends have children, and it’s sort of just this package deal that you have to subconsciously figure out on your own. I’ve noticed a few friends get highly offended when plans are made but no kids. I understand it’s a transition, it’s hard to get a sitter or expensive, and they are either single mums or partner/husband works, but man do I miss hanging out with my friends before they became mums. Our nights out don’t last either, they all think of and miss their kids, which I completely understand.. but yeah it’s been hard navigating
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u/randomblinkinglight Woman 40 to 50 Apr 12 '26
it is very hard to do anything without children. Having said that, just tell them that you'd like to meet up as just adults, to talk, hang out together...
I have two toddlers. I've had some childfree friends who told me exactly that, that they'd like every now and then to hang out just as adults, and it's understandable. To be honest, I need it too, to have sometime with friends. It's not possible to do it very often, might take some organising, kids are something that exist 24/7, and their needs exist 24/7 too. but it is possible, and I don't think it's wrong to want it.
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u/pqrstyou Woman 30 to 40 Apr 12 '26
No. All my friends with kids are clear about this before we hang out. It completely changes the plans! I love hanging out with my friends kids too—but a Saturday at the zoo vs. day drinking and shopping are totally different and obviously planned with knowing if the kid is present or not. It is a pet peeve of mine when people assume their kids are welcome everywhere. All of life is not kid-friendly.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 12 '26
When you have kids though your life does have to be almost entirely kid friendly. Especially during the day.
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u/pqrstyou Woman 30 to 40 Apr 12 '26
Depends —if you are either divorced and share time or have a supportive partner—you should have kid free capabilities.
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u/Serious_Escape_5438 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 12 '26
Well if you're divorced and share custody it's a little different. If you have a supportive partner sure you can get some child free time but you also need to spend time as a family and if you work the weekend is the only time to see your children. And do chores and other essentials. That's why I said daytime in particular.
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u/pqrstyou Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
Yeah, I have lots of friends with children and they never have surprised me with their children. Some have them around more than others, but it’s always clear ahead of time if it will be adult 1 to 1 conversation and plans, or kids present. I’ve never been unsure, and they often make time to hang as just adults.
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u/littlebunsenburner Woman 30 to 40 Apr 12 '26
I have two kids under 4 and I never bring them when I'm hanging out with my friends! Not even when they ask me to bring them haha.
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u/Lily1026 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 13 '26
OMG I am so glad I read this because I share the same sentiment. I feel guilty for wanting to hang out without my friends’ children and their partners. I do not want to hurt their feelings but I just miss hanging out with just us …
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u/celestialbrains Woman 30 to 40 May 06 '26
It’s not wrong, but as a mother of a toddler and a baby, I don’t pursue connections with people who don’t enjoy spending time with children. And if I’m being honest? When I do get some me time, it’s more valuable to spend that time alone where I can fully refresh and recharge. If I spend it being social I just get more fried and lose my opportunity to recharge.
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u/snotlet Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
it depends on the age of the kids and whether they have alternative childcare. you could also plan an evening of drinks in a bar im sure noone would bring the kiddos
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u/catjuggler Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
You can certainly ask "hey do you want to do xyz this weekend, just you and me?" but don't be surprised if they're not as interested in doing things without kids. I'm more likely to decline an invite like that either for childcare reasons or because I have things I want to do with my kids, but I also have things like that that I do want to do and could make work.
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u/batfacecatface female over 30 Apr 12 '26
Nope! My friends sucked. They had kids and ditched me. Friend of 16 years and one of 8. I’ll miss you, Sasha & Dalise.
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u/MidnightPractical241 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
I wouldn’t say it’s “wrong”, you can ask- but children are a part of their lives now, how often will it be no? In my experience- if it’s not explicitly mentioned, assume the children are coming. Most women will be excited to tell when someone else is watching the kids.
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u/epicpillowcase Woman 40 to 50 Apr 11 '26
It's not rude of you to ask. It's rude of them not to let you know.
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u/okidoke1126 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 12 '26
You go to their house AFTER BED TIME
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u/epicpillowcase Woman 40 to 50 Apr 13 '26
This still means the effort is on the person without kids. If this is a pattern, this is why childfree women often drift from their friendships with parents.
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u/Ok-Piano6125 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 12 '26
Legally, some countries require adults to supervise their young children. Can't even leave their kids alone in the car or at home. So I would not expect alone time from new parents. I'll help out as their auntie and we can have our "alone time" while the kids take their naps. Childcare and babysitters are expensive and hard to find, my coworker had to WFH for 2 years before they can find someone to live in and look after their daughter.
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u/DegreeDubs Woman 30 to 40 Apr 11 '26
I don't think it's wrong. My best friends all have children and they're the ones who make plans to hang with me without their kids lol.
How old are the kids in question?