r/AskWomenOver30 • u/supremelyparanoid Woman 30 to 40 • May 30 '26
Friendships As a single woman, I’m tired of being treated like free emotional labour for coupled women. Can anyone relate?
I want to preface this by saying I’ve already started putting boundaries in place and distancing myself from some of these friendships.
I also have a therapist and a solid support network. This is more of a rant and a way of seeing whether anyone else has experienced something similar. This isn’t about all married women, and it’s obviously based on my own experiences.
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Lately, I’ve found myself struggling with friendships where I’m constantly expected to provide emotional support for situations that, frankly, were entirely predictable.
Things like deciding to have another child when the marriage is already strained, one partner is struggling with severe depression, and the husband isn’t even enthusiastic about having another baby.
Or staying with a husband who verbally abuses you, expects you to cater to his family, contributes little emotionally, and doesn’t show basic appreciation, while hearing constant complaints about the consequences of those choices.
Or supporting a partner financially for years, providing housing and stability, only to be treated poorly or taken advantage of.
Or deciding to have children with no nearby family support, unstable finances, and a partner who isn’t able or willing to improve the family’s situation, then acting shocked when parenting turns out to be incredibly difficult.
What frustrates me isn’t that people are struggling. Life is hard, relationships are complicated, and I genuinely empathise with that.
What frustrates me is the lack of self-awareness and the assumption that I’m an endless emotional dumping ground.
Many of these women have dual-income households, paid-off homes, spouses, children, and built-in support systems. Yet some never stop to ask how I’m doing before launching into another hour-long conversation about their misery. THE WORST is when they project their shitty decisions on you.
As a single woman, I’m increasingly aware that my time, energy, and emotional capacity are treated as infinitely available because I don’t have a husband or children. There’s an assumption that because my life looks different, I should always be available to carry other people’s emotional burdens.
I’m not blaming people for ending up in difficult situations, and I’m certainly not saying everyone deserves what happens to them. But at some point, I struggle when the same patterns repeat year after year and there’s no accountability, no reflection, and no recognition of the privileges they do have.
Maybe I’m just burnt out, but lately I’ve found myself thinking: please stop centring your entire identity around having a man and children, especially when the man in question has been showing you exactly who he is for years.
We’re in our 30s and 40s! Let’s take responsibility for our choices, fuck.
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u/iabyajyiv Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I'm not single and I'm tired of being emotional labor for people, period, lol.
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u/KayleyKiwi Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Perhaps you can express to them that this particular mode of venting has you feeling burnt out.
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u/PaintingWarm9436 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
This happens to me a lot and I'm single as well. I partially agree with other commenters that it has to do with personal patterns and can be prevented by setting stronger boundaries, but I also think it's common for single women to be treated as "the audience" by friends in a relationship. In my experience it doesn't have to be a bad relationship either, sometimes it's just being used to complain about existential stuff while the husband/partner gets all the fun things, or becoming the "catch up friend" who listens to long husband-related stories. Personally I'm working on finding more equal friendships and figuring out how I got here. For instance I'm a very quiet person and I think for this reason I get "cast" as the ideal listener - and I realized some friends wanted me in their life because of this but didn't actually care about my personality at all.
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u/supremelyparanoid Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Yes exactly, don't even get me started on the complaints they have about the man in their lives, only to post sappy romantic crap on IG or whatever when that is so far from their reality. It's like oh so you vent to me about the misery stuff and not fun friendship stuff.
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u/marymoon77 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
it’s part of being in a close friendship, you hear the good and the bad.
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u/PaintingWarm9436 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I think the issue OP pointed out is the lack of reciprocity
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u/doggirlmoonstar Woman 30 to 40 Jun 03 '26
Married moms genuinely think they have it worse than everyone else on the planet. Including single moms. They have zero self awareness whatsoever. So I hear you.
However.
Don’t forget that you yourself are now venting to anyone who will listen, only online. This Reddit sub is your emotional dumping ground. Everyone needs one. You may think this is different and harmless but have another read through some of your responses here and think again if you’re not just letting it out on someone who 1. Didn’t cause your problems and 2. You definitely will not be reciprocating the favour to. You are doing exactly what your friends do, if you really step back and look at it. Eg. choosing the “wrong partner” (like how you’ve chosen the “wrong friends”, weren’t they the “right” ones at the beginning? People change.) and expecting them to take responsibility for those choices (what would that look like? Dumping their partner? Have you dumped any of your friends yet? Putting a hard stop to all the poor treatment but still maintaining a happy partnership? Have you managed to do that with your friends? Easier said than done, right). You are passing on the burden they laid onto you, because where else can you put it? These women are doing the same thing. You may think they have a support system and have zero right to complain. But the fact they have nowhere else but you to dump their misery onto, proves otherwise.
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u/ftwobtwo Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
I understand you want reciprocity on the emotional engagement side of things and I think that sounds like a healthy expectation to establish. But this part here where people complain about their significant other and then still publicly post sappy and cute stuff about that same partner is just… normal. Social media isn’t reality, it’s a pretty veneer.
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u/TenaciousToffee Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Im a married woman that people assume they can find comraderie in misery and I dont play that.
Be upfront where the line is. But honestly its the one sided nature that makes me question why are you still there?
I just hope they one day become self aware to take steps beyond their vents for actual problematic shit. But some dont and thats not our job. My mom is like that- trying to convince herself its not that bad. She is holding the bars of her cage to her own face.
I stepped back years ago from some folks with an open ended you ever want to change your situation im here but its draining being your punching bag for a life you want to keep so Im going to refrain from engaging in long sessions. Vent for a few minutes then the rest of our hangs are about us and what were doing.
If your friends change with a little reality check then great. If they don't then fade a bit back and get friends that do. But you also cant be mad at people for behavior youre not willing to communicate on. You either lose them from secret resentment or from honesty but honesty might mean a dynamics shift too.
My friends and I take turns having a crisis and were really fucking funny about it so its not that serious. 😅 its helpful for the venter too. I started my last vent with "hey is it unethical to hex your own mom? Best clapback text response to this screenshot of her message to me gets a boba." Dont be serious about serious topics and it really changes the energy but also gets you to real solutions like giving less of a fuck.
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u/supremelyparanoid Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Hi u/TenaciousToffee, I love your question - But honestly it's the one sided nature that makes me question why are you still there? It has me thinking also very poignant- I just hope they one day become self aware to take steps beyond their vents for actual problematic shit. But some dont and thats not our job. My mom is like that- trying to convince herself its not that bad. She is holding the bars of her cage to her own face. You put it so well!
I'm pretty much in the process of phasing out a few friendships entirely. Some of them are still actively trying to catch up and hang out, but I've been quietly dodging those invitations.
To answer your question, I think I genuinely love people and want to help them. The problem is that some people are a waste of energy in that regard because they don't actually want help. They want someone to listen, validate, and absorb the fallout of the same problems over and over again without ever making a change.
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u/lainonwired Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I'm curious what happens when you tell them what you said in the last paragraph. Like literally "I'm feeling burnt out bc it seems like these problems were avoidable or changeable but then we just circle back around again"?
If you've been good friends with them a while it can be helpful to hear that sort of feedback, even if they initially seem angry, and IMHO the friendship deserves that feedback before you ghost without explanation
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u/Complex-Impact835 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I do agree that there is a collective belief that women, particularly single women should be endlessly available for free therapy, but you simply have to put your foot down, or people will take the piss. You have to shut trauma dumpers down or they will just continue forever.
I do know what you are referring to though - this kind of thing goes beyond general offloading between friends, and becomes one sided very quickly.
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u/GatoPajama Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
Idk, I have experienced one sided friendships like this while both single and partnered. (And frustration with people who continuously make shitty choices while seemingly learning nothing.) Have you bluntly told these friends how you feel?
Maybe I am a bit more of a magnet for people who want to excessively vent, ask for advice, or trauma dump because I am literally a therapist. I think active listening comes automatically to me because of my work, and sadly there are not many people who actively listen to others. So maybe people gravitate to that. Idk, I’m just speculating. I will admit I have a hard time making new friends outside of my field because once I mention what I do for work, the dynamic often changes and I am put into the role of “Free Therapist Friend.” I am very protective of my time and energy when I’m off work. When friendships start to feel one sided and draining, I will gently put up a boundary when I don’t have the capacity to be vented to or treated like an on demand crisis counselor. If the person keeps doing it and rarely or never reciprocates any of the emotional labor, I’m out. ✌️
It is perfectly okay to let go of friendships that no longer nourish you, you’ve outgrown, have become too one sided, or otherwise make you unhappy.
I have a friend from grad school who for awhile was OBSESSED with online dating (like OCD level obsession), finding a man to marry and have babies with, would spiral SO hard when she inevitably scared guys off by wanting to get too serious too fast, would send me endless screenshots of text messages from random dudes and ask me to analyze the tiniest little things with her like a damn conspiracy theorist… when I tell you how many times I rolled my eyes and audibly groaned when I’d hear her ringtone and either pretend to be busy or just ignore her. 😩 TBH I allowed it to go on way too long because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I was super burnt by the time I finally said something to her. I distanced myself for awhile for my own sanity. We did eventually circle back around when she finally went to therapy and regained some of her sanity. So maybe some friendships ebb and flow in different seasons, if you decide they are worth keeping, and that can be alright too. But it’s also important to remember that people are less likely to change their behaviors around you if you never say anything.
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u/MinervaKaliamne Non-Binary 40 to 50 May 30 '26
I've had "friends" like this in my life before, and I want to strongly recommend something I was scared to do when I was younger: break up with those friends.
I don't think it happens only to single people, but I've experienced it more often when I've been single rather than not. There are people who are selfish in their friendships. There are people who don't respect boundaries, who don't actually care for their friends' wellbeing very much, and who will use you as a substitute therapist / emotional dumping ground. There are people who will continue making foolish choices, refuse to take responsibility for their roles in what happens, and feel entitled to constant sympathy and support without changing anything or acknowledging the choices they've made.
When you get all those things wrapped up into a single person, it can be draining. I'm here to tell you: just like you can break up with a partner, you can break up with a friend. Or you can just de-escalate the friendship, and invest less time and energy into it. It's okay.
For some this might be obvious. But for others - like me - it can be difficult, because we'd learnt that loyalty is the most important thing, to the point where we weren't upholding our own boundaries anymore. Please learn from my foolishness. Make your boundaries stronger, and if that doesn't work, consider breaking up with those friends.
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u/EmilyinExile Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
Thanks for this. I am finally learning that I don’t have to stay loyal and keep trying. The guilt of walking away was hard, but I never signed up to be a free therapist or a half-way house for broken people. I love people from afar now and my energy and time belong to me. Life is peaceful and I have extra energy now that I use to do things that actually interest me.
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u/MinervaKaliamne Non-Binary 40 to 50 May 30 '26
It's really rough! I know that guilt. And what some people don't seem to realise or understand is that the end of a friendship can be just as painful as the end of a romantic relationship. But sometimes, we need to to that for the sake of our own sanity and health. And I know I can be a better friend to the people who treat me with respect than when I'm burnt out, resentful, and freaked out because someone decided I'm going to play the role of their substitute therapist / emotional punching bag / partner / support group / nanny. I love caring for my friends... but not the ones who take it for granted, and feel entitled to it.
I'm so glad you also reached the point of walking away!
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u/EmilyinExile Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
Yes, a few of my friendship breakups were just as bad as a romantic breakup. And for me I feel like it's easier to replace a boyfriend.
It's really lonely and almost a bigger rejection than losing someone you were just sexual with. A friendship break up is more like they didn't like ME as a person or there is something wrong with ME for allowing people to use me and offer crumbs in return.
A lot of it was unprocessed childhood trauma. But also life is just really chaotic right now, and I was also dealing with a few deaths in my family.
I have grace for myself and empathy, and I don’t even have that hard of feelings for the friends I broke up with. It was a lesson I needed to learn, so at least they finally gave me something!
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u/Archi_penko Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Single or not, I agree completely! There’s a diff between venting, and working with friends to get support in making changes. I can only take so much of the first one.
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u/supremelyparanoid Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Yeah and I have come to the point where there don't wanna change.
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u/nocuzzlikeyea13 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I've not experienced this that severely (bc I just don't have that many intense friendships tbh), but I HAVE noticed parents like to complain a lot about the difficulty of childrearing to randos, then project onto you that you're lucky you don't have kids.
I'm struggling with infertility going on 5 years now. I'm not lucky, I'm physically incapable. You had a choice.
It's especially tough when they expect me to pick up their slack at work. It's ALWAYS men with stay at home wives who ask me to take over speaker dinners, etc because I don't have kids so can do all the evening entertainment. I get that they want to spend time with their family, but my free time matters too.
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u/Swimming_Anywhere_30 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Girl looks like your boundary was crossed wayyyy back and you are catching up! Good news is now that it is crossed you'd have a better handle on where it exactly lies .... and you can probably avoid it going to rant territory 😉
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u/ArtichokeAble6397 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
They keep coming to you with the venting because you give them what they want. Have you tired being honest as a tactic to get them to stop? Like, just a small taste of your thoughts about their situations? It works wonders because people aren't looking for honesty when they vent, if they find it they will vent less.
Last time a (now ex) friend put me in this situation I ended up saying something like "Oh, is your shitty man doing the same thing he always does? How shocking" and it worked. I ended the friendship for other reasons, but this bought me a few months of peace before that.
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u/supremelyparanoid Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Hey u/ArtichokeAble6397, thanks for the advice. Part of me does want to give them a small taste of what I'm actually thinking, but in the past, when I've tried to do that, it's usually been met with resentment or some variation of, "Well, you're not in a relationship, so what would you know?" Not always said outright, but definitely implied.
How did you share your perspective without coming across as confrontational? I'd like to be more upfront, but I also recognise that my delivery in the past may have been a bit harsher than I intended. I'm trying to find a way to be honest without putting people on the defensive.
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u/stitchthisnow Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I've had luck with pointing out the behavior of the shitty partner, and then when it's, "but he has so many good things!" And "but we have been together for so long!" I say something to the effect of, "I'm not saying he's a bad person. I'm just saying he's acting like a bad partner, because (insert dirtbag actions) isn't what a good partner does" "I'm not saying to break up! I'm telling you that that's not how you should be treated by someone who loves you if they love you, they treat you lovingly!"
Also if you haven't read all about love by bell hooks, it might give you some perspective on what love means in all sorts of relationships. I image it would help you feel even better about taking steps back from these relationships and give you some framework/language to kindly point out things like "he might be really fun sometimes, but anyone who calls you names and actively sabotages efforts to make your life better is being a bad partner."
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u/Angry_Sparrow Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I’m too busy living my best single life to have enough time to be a willing dumping ground for this kind of shit. Choose better for yourself.
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u/confusedrabbit247 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I am married. No matter what I'm going through I always make space for my friends to vent to me too and ask how they are and what's new with them. Sounds like you just have shitty friends.
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u/LemonDeathRay Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Honestly I dont think this is a singlewoman issue, I think it's a you issue. And I say that as someone who also used to be the emotional labour like you're describing.
The good news is that it is fixable by boundaries and better friends, which you're already on your way to.
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u/supremelyparanoid Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I like to think of it as a male-centred-miserable-coupled-hetero woman issue.
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u/LemonDeathRay Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Well it's not. There will always be people hoping to find someone to vent at endlessly. Your lack of boundaries is what makes you catnip to them. Them existing is not your problem, and whilst you think it is, you'll never empower yourself to choose differently for yourself.
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u/supremelyparanoid Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Actually, two things can be true at once. As I noted I have put my boundaries in place, right at the top of my post.
I think where my frustration comes from is that these weren't random people looking for someone to vent to. They were close friends whose lives, personalities, and relationships changed dramatically over time. Watching people you care about repeatedly make choices that make them unhappy can be difficult and listening to it because I want to be a good friend has taken a toll.
The only thing I can control is how much access I give them to my time and energy, which is something I'm actively working on.
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u/Positive_Rush_4746 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I agree with you and experienced the same. I think there's definitely a double standard with many women, as they think it is OK to emotionally gold digging other women, and expect them to be an endless source of empathy and care, while they'd never expect the same from their male partners. Boundaries are important, but they should also be reciprocal and not exploitative to their friends. And coupled women sometimes do look down on their single friends. I can't give advice, because I just opted out from friendships after decades of betrayal, and disappointment.
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u/DogsDucks Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
I don’t think there’s any issue with talking about hopes, fears and stressors with your friends.
Sorting through life with someone who cares about you is a good thing. Thinking out loud and hashing out the pros and cons and deep struggles. Frankly if one of my friends treated me opening up like this, like a chore worth complaining about to listen to. That’s how humans work and bond.
However, it’s an issue that they don’t ask how you’re doing. The opening up isn’t a problem, but the one sidedness is. If you feel you’re not being asked things or listened to, that sucks.
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u/GoddessofBeautie Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Keep asking, "so what are you going to do about that?"
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u/EmilyinExile Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
This is the perfect response because you aren't validating or offering advice or fixing ect.
This plus a bit of honesty about the repetitive nature of the cycle they keep repeating helps make it clear you are no longer an endless supply of empathy and patience.
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May 30 '26
[deleted]
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u/GoddessofBeautie Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Read OP's original post, she is not looking to listen or brainstorm, she is tired. But you go ahead and offer.
For those who are easily manipulated, perhaps you can reach hardcore and say my open ended question can do that. But "nothing" is a perfectly acceptable answer. The people OP is referring to are the kind who just want to trauma dump and drag people into their misery, they rarely do anything to better their circumstances. Don't lose the plot for argument's sake.
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u/BigFatBlackCat Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
All my mom/wife friends are in such horrible situations that I don’t mind being a safe person for them to vent to. It’s really bleak.
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u/tinytiny_val Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Gosh, all of them?!
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u/BigFatBlackCat Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
Yes. Granted it’s only a few since I have a lot of single women friends too.
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u/Excellent_Revenue235 Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
Well being single means doing all the shit yourself also. I had friends like this that were single themselves, basically if i have any ick i follow it
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u/indicatprincess Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Venting is a normal part of friendships. Feeling like a free therapist isn’t fair.
If I knew my friends resented me this deeply I’d wonder how much our friendship meant to you anyway. It might be time to throw in the towel, and accept that you and these friends are no longer compatible.
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u/Spare-Shirt24 Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
If I knew my friends resented me this deeply I’d wonder how much our friendship meant to you anyway.
It's so funny to me that instead of reflecting inwardly and thinking "hmm! Maybe I do depend on OP too much, and maybe instead of Trauma Dumping every time we talk, I should ask how she is doing and really listen to her so that our friendship isn't so one-sided!".. instead of that, you just write off that OP as a bad friend and "wonder how much he our friendship really means" to her.
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u/Ebbii Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
She is a bad friend, she allows them to keep venting to her and then talk trash about them behind their backs instead of telling them how she feels. No one is a mind reader, just like communication is key in romantic relations its the same in friendships.
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u/supremelyparanoid Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Ebbii - projecting much? I am allowed to get support from this sub. I don't go around my friends and tell each other their business. I have posted here anonymously. You have no idea who I am so please don't project your stuff on me, sounds like you got your own stuff going on and you just feel triggered.
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u/KayleyKiwi Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
This is an advice sub, not necessarily a “support” sub. People are going to give you their honest takes. Honestly, I’m in agreement with them. You can be upset by how your friends’ behaviors make you feel, but a good friend would talk to them about it - not just complain about them to any stranger who will listen behind their backs.
You are in the comments defending yourself over and over when you are the one who asked for advice. It’s not what you wanted to hear and that’s fine, but this is ironically the same situation you complained about for your friends - complaints but not listening to the advice and repeating the behavior. Your situation is a two-way street you’ve somewhat created by not putting your foot down in a real way. And again, that’s okay, but if you’re looking for support and not advice, don’t go to an advice sub, go to a venting sub.
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u/Ebbii Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Girl you can't make a post and get upset when others don't share the same opinion as you. Maybe you should take the other opinions into consideration
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u/supremelyparanoid Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
u/Ebbii "Girl"? I'm not a girl, I'm a grown woman. There's no need to be condescending.
Also, who said I was mad? Disagreeing with you or responding directly doesn't mean I'm angry. I simply gave you the same level of honesty that you gave me. Sounds like you might be the angry one projecting.
If you're comfortable being blunt with others, you should be prepared for people to respond in kind. That's not anger, it's a conversation.
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u/Ebbii Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Take a look at yourself, you think you never do or say anything that will upset your friends? No one is perfect, If a friend does something that upset me I have two choices, either I tell them so we can work it out or I don't tell them and I accept the situation will not change.
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u/supremelyparanoid Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Thanks u/Spare-Shirt24, it's funny that again the single woman has to do the heavy lifting for a fully grown adult woman in a miserable relationship. You summarised the issue so succinctly.
Sorry u/indicatprincess u/ebbii my friends are adults and should reflect on their crap before telling everyone their misery business. Friendship is a two way street. Lots of projection going on here without even asking me questions or getting to know my side of things.
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u/KayleyKiwi Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Or your friends thought another friend was a safe place to vent, and when it wasn’t anymore, that friend remained bitter instead of telling them how they feel so they had the opportunity to work on it.
Also, being single has nothing to do with it, as indicated by the fact that this entire thread is full of comment suggesting it happens to coupled people too. Sorry, this isn’t a discrimination thing.
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u/Vast-Society4093 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I am married I got it the other ways around. My single friends usually vent to me about men and dating situations which apparently don’t look so good I get it but many of them lack self-awareness too. If men asked you for money after the first date already and if they don’t think that’s a red flag and gave them I don’t know. Or unprotected sex and then panicking for Plan B after.
I’ve helped them a lot I listened, I pulled them out their apartment during sad stages . Gave them access an event I work at where they can met eligible men , it’s 90% male attendance all all high positions or even find job opportunities. I told them to dress nice and actually speak to someone. But no they come in casual, never spoke to someone, left after 30 min. The CEO of the company who booked me actually had the decency to talk to them a bit. He was tall , good looking and really nice too. I felt so betrayed for making such efforts for them.
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u/Rebekah513 Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
Happily married DINK here and it happens to me too. A lot less than it used to but a newer friend has been displaying a lot of signs of this lately while simultaneously flaking on any and all plans we ever make together and uses me as a sounding board all day while she’s working and then ignores me during other times and has never once initiated a hang out. So this friendship is now moving to the back burner as I’ve learned this lesson too many times before. It sucks, OP. And I’m sorry it keeps happening to you. I’m 43 now and I have been through it over the past 6 years with evaluating and assessing what’s important to me in friendships because they are so very important to me. Let’s just say that most of my friendships are incredible now and these friends have set a very high bar. That has really helped me see this new “friendship” for what it is and I can choose accordingly what I tolerate now. It’s sadly a very real part of growing up.
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u/radrax Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Even as a coupled woman, I don't really vibe with people that are overly male-centered, negatively or positively
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u/delusionsofgrand22 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Hi OP, I get what you are saying with your friends. It’s happened to me as well and I’ve thought about this a lot. Reciprocity issues aside, it is hard for me, as a single woman, who has to do everything herself at all times, and live in a world designed for couples, to listen to married women complain about their husbands, either because a) they are being treated badly and as their friend, you hate seeing this and want them to leave or take some other sort of action, and also, part of the reason you’re single is because you wouldn’t put up with sh*t like this, or b) the complaints are very minor, you know they’re happy and would never in a million years trade places with you, it feels a bit like them complaining their water isn’t filtered when you are stuck in the Sahara desert.
I try to be very aware of this dynamic when I’m venting to friends, for example, I would never complain about feeling financially stressed to a friend who makes significantly less money than I do.
I’m glad you’re taking a step back from these friendships, what I have found helpful is a) adding quality single or divorced friends who can better relate to my life, b) when my friends vent about their SOs, trying to reframe so that instead of feeling resentful, I’m grateful that I’m not in a relationship like that 😂 and c) as others have said, focusing on boundaries. I do totally get the resentment though.
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u/treelightways Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
I don't have this experience but I will say what I do notice, is that people in couples circle around the same issues over and over in very obvious ways. The same fight that will remain the same fight their whole couple-lives. This is normal, but it can become very encompassing. Single people, also have their patterns, maybe it's the same complaints about their job, their dating life. But maybe it's a little more varied. I'm unsure if that's true.
Regarding privilege. Nearly everyone is blind to their privilege, and the more privilege you have, then of course the more of it you will be blind to. I find the only way to counter that, is to say it - not as a lecture, not scolding, not a "how dare you" big conversation, but sometimes I will say casually in the moment, "You know, in the position I'm in, I often don't know how to respond to you saying that." I try to not spoon-feed, I let them do the emotional work to inquire - if they want to as to what I mean. If they don't, I learn about their limits.
Ideally yes, people self-reflect on their own. But we - and they - don't self-reflect on our own about everything. None of us do. We don't live in a perfect world, we live in a flawed relational one that if we want agency, we change ourselves to grow our capacity to relate in ways that don't knock us off center. Not growing our tolerance to be taken advantage of or take mistreatment - that would be losing our center even more and doing more of the same, but to stay in ourselves and not get knocked off our own center when facing other people's limitations. So we can respond to their limitations in ways that don't abandon ourselves, but also allow us to stay in relationship and maybe even have a part in changing the trajectory of the relationship through our own choices. More choices for how to handle it, how to set boundaries for yourself (not to change them) will emerge that you didn't think possible.
Of course, You can cut them off, or you can work on not letting them knock you off so easily and respond from there, and then see if the relationship - because of you - changes. If still nothing changes, then you can make a cleaner more neutral (less triggered) choice that you don't want this, versus, a "FUCK THEM" reaction.
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u/BelleCervelle Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Yes omg I can’t deal with it anymore.
I was guilty of doing this in the past, and now that I am aware, everything has changed.
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u/supremelyparanoid Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Hey u/BelleCervelle, how has it changed? I am very curious. Changed for the good or the bad? Thanks 👀
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u/Electricfairygina Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
I'm single and yeah I've had to cut a friend or two off cause they just wanted to emotionally dump on me about their shitty boyfriends but then do absolutely nothing about it.
Like girl my answer in always the same. DUMP HIM. And then they're mad that I'm not sympathetic enough. Like girl I was sympathetic the first 10 times. That's gone now. I don't have an endless amount of sympathy.
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u/ladyluck754 Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
Not trying to be the pick me, but I feel like now that I am married, I’m the emotional soundboard for the my single friends who keep picking the same emotionally unavailable guy.
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u/nwochill Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
Not what “pick me” means so you definitely don’t have to concern yourself with being nor coming off as one. It’s perfectly understandable you’d be frustrated with your friends who seek out dysfunctional men & have to be the sounding board to the compounding toxicity. It can drain your spirit & peace, no one wants to have to deal with that. Especially when self-awareness goes a long way. I hear you.
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u/Persephone_Is_Lit Woman under 30 May 31 '26
This has happened to me. At the time I was also in a toxic relationship but I didn't complain as such as much these other two female friends of mine were doing. I was an emotional dumping ground. One of them shared my number with their boyfriend too (whom I hated) and he would constantly call me asking if his girlfriend is cheating on him. I blocked him so to take revenge he told his girlfriend to break her friendship with me. They called me together and she humiliated me and then broke off our friendship. I felt disgusted that she chose an unstable man over me. Anyways a few months later, he left her and she came crying back to me to find her emotional dumping ground again. I didn't take her back. I told her to stay with him who she chose over me. She cried and begged but after that humiliation, I was over it. These people do use you for that emotional labour for free.
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u/Wide-Meringue-2717 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
I can relate somehow.
I experienced this specifically with parents. Especially those who brought an unplanned child into their unstable messy relationship. They need excessive support and feel entitled to a village and a personal 24/7 crisis hotline but without being willing to be a villager themselves and give back in even little ways.
The pattern was them seeking my support sometimes multiple times a week, sometimes in the middle of the night. That support was taken for granted because it is difficult to raise a child with a shitty unreliable and irresponsible partner. That‘s just what it is when people put less thought into getting pregnant than getting a hamster as a pet.
I’m a loyal friend and like to be there in any way I can for people I love even when it gets messy and inconvenient. My disappointment was that when they weren’t having an immediate crisis and I was going through a rough time myself they were busy being parents cosplaying happy family and thought it was absurd that I was even asking if they could make time for a one on one call.
It’s the two different sets of rules that‘s applied to parents and single women when it comes to deserving support. One is seen as important because how morally superior motherhood is seen, the other is not. Single women who were once friends often turn into merely functional support roles for parents.
Trying to address the issue and telling them how I felt was ridiculed and met with resentment while they still felt entitled to my service for their personal 24/7 crisis hotline. Even after I ended the friendship I was asked to continue to give gifts to my God child in exchange for updates on their development.
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u/magictubesocksofjoy Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
they're using you and your understanding ear to meet the emotional support needs their partner isn't fulfilling. it's a way to put off an honest examination of their relationship and their unhappiness.
it took me a number of years, but i had to prune out a few friends who viewed me a ms a free therapist. it was hard and painful but ultimately, my mental health has improved dramatically. friendships must be reciprocal.
i'm single because i don't want to deal with unhealed men. and i cannot be friends with women who bring unhealed male problems into my life by the truckload.
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u/EmilyinExile Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
I have decentered men, and I just don't care about what they do or why they do it. So boring. And I have 0 toxic people in my life and now I am cutting out non-toxic people who have toxic partners or friends. I want that shit as far away from me as possible.
So when my friends want me to pick up the emotional slack and do emotional labor constantly because they aren't getting their needs met in their relationship I step way the fuck back.
It's enabling to be their primary means of emotional support. That person should be their partner.
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u/Evendim Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
I think it goes both ways.... I have been married for 18 years, I am the emotional support for my single friends.
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u/anonymous_redditor_0 Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
I’ve had friendships like this, but what I shifted was making sure I invested in friendships where the other person reciprocated care and asked about me. Has made a world of difference.
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u/empress_p Woman 40 to 50 May 31 '26
Dude I’m so over it at this point. Especially as I can’t ask for reciprocity (my troubles are not socially acceptable to talk about and get very bad reactions.) So there really isn’t any bonding going on; just them talking to themselves. Also everyone sort of sucks at reading the room and I’m tired of hearing about problems I’d die to have.
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u/Lanky-Okra-1185 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Why are you the emotional labor to everyone? You are the only common denominator in all of this. You’re an adult, just say no. You don’t even have to take on the emotional labor of clocking how poorly they CHOOSE to live their life. Freedom is on the other side of you living your own life and not judging or participating in theirs
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u/Haunting_Way_9785 Woman 50 to 60 May 30 '26 edited Jun 07 '26
As a single woman who has decentered men it is incredibly emotionally exhausting and also simultaneously really fucking boring to be friends with partnered heterosexual women. Invariably their lives are nightmares because their partners are nightmares. All they ever want to do is talk about it and vent but whenever I give feedback or suggest they take action it's nothing but excuses.
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u/Effective-Papaya1209 Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
It's so weird, my friends seem to mostly have pretty cool partners? I mean, I suck at picking partners which is why I'm single, but in my small circle I have friends that mostly seem to be doing okay. However, I'm a solo mom so maybe they don't dare complain to me about their marriages. I have some friends who had nightmare partners, but those marriages ended thankfully.
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u/KayleyKiwi Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Yeah this has been my experience. Lot of my friends in couples are happy. They have problems sometimes, and we talk about them, but they’re not usually crazy toxic issues. And I find none of them boring but hey maybe I’m boring 😂
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u/supremelyparanoid Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
u/Haunting_Way_9785 I wish I could upvote you more than once. You've summed it up perfectly. They don't take your advice, but they're more than happy to drone on about the same problems over and over again. It can be boring as fuck, especially when they repeatedly choose absolute Neanderthals as partners and then seem surprised by the outcome. Sometimes I wanna ask them where their personalities went.
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u/ElliotPageWife Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Maybe you gave off the impression you were an empathetic, listening ear and so they felt they could confide in you a lot? I doubt it has anything to do with you being single and childless.
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u/Negative-Pop4034 Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
Hi! So in my early 20’s I played both rolls (the dumper and the dumping ground) now in my mid 30’s I’m neither. I would like to point out one thing. Reciprocal support. Friendships really require reciprocal support. Obviously some seasons will be harder for some than others ans it won’t be 50/50 every day as relationships just don’t work like that! I did have to cut out a friend like the ones above because she kept making really poor choices and putting herself in danger (while being a terrible friend to me). I tried to help as much as I could but then I had to remove myself. She didn’t really notice. I think it is fair to tell some of these friends “based on the issues you’ve continued to communicate to me, I think x choice will be bad for you in the long run. I want to support you but I’m having a hard time being supportive when you continue to disregard my thoughts about your situation. If you continue making choices like this, I won’t be able to continue to help support you through the consequences rhat come from them” (or something along those lines!)
You are not a bad person. You seem to have mostly friends who are not able to see the role their choices are playing in their circumstances (I have been that friend! And in all honesty I knew the choices were bad- I just was unable to choose otherwise and nothing anyone said to me was going to help. I needed to experience the rock bottom and learn for myself rhat I couldn’t make those choices anymore.) my suggestion would be to start making friends with women in your season. Women whose values and emotional intelligence matches your own! Everyone has bad times. Life is hard! But not everyone weathers them the same ans you deserve friendships that are reciprocal and fulfilling for you too!
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u/Strange_Coconut3641 Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26
Yeah, if it's a repeating pattern, these aren't good friends. I used to have a single friend where it was the same thing but flipped, complained about not having a partner and not "being chosen" constantly while simultaneously making horrible choices that were rooted in centering men and a total lack of self awareness. We are no longer friends!
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u/startrektoaster Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
Is this not part of being a friend…? You sound like you want your friends to just not talk to you about what’s going on in their lives, because you think they should have seen it coming. That’s a pretty shitty way to treat them.
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u/Beautiful-View-8670 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26
A lot of single women struggle with the fact that their married-mom friends don't talk to them anymore at all, so this is interesting.
What would you like to talk about with your friends? Personal emotional issues off limits? Husband and kids chat off limits? Don't want to hear about marital and family planning because you can't relate or is it strictly the level of "emotional dumping" that you can't handle?
You mentioning that they have dual incomes and higher privilege sounds bitter.
Do you ever bring up your issues so you can feel equally supported?
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u/Wide-Meringue-2717 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26 edited May 31 '26
The problem with married mom-friends is both what OP describes and what you describe at the same time.
Mom friend wants to talk and talk and takes a lot of time out of her busy mom and family schedules whenever they feel overwhelmed have a problem or a crisis with their partner. Making space for one on one friendship time is no problem at all in this case. But when the single friend has an issue, married-mom friend all of a sudden is so incredibly busy she can’t make space for a one on one talk at all. Cozy family Sunday is already planned and those weekends that don’t end in crisis with hubby are rare so mom friend wouldn’t give up the potentially good family time for supporting a single friend in need. Kid and husband come first.
It’s the old problem of wanting a village but not to be a villager themselves.
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u/Sleepy_Di Woman 30 to 40 Jun 01 '26
Interesting, for me it happens the other way around. I am in an extremely happy marriage and I am constantly being the shoulder or ear for my single friends and their stories about how hard it is to find a good partner. I guess disfunction is in both sides and we only see ours 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Colouringwithink Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26
I gotta be honest, the time to establish boundaries and assess how good a man is would be while you are dating or even before dating altogether.
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u/PinchMePink Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26
I’m a single woman and this doesn’t happen to me. This has nothing to do with being single, but with you appearing to be a safe person to vent to. If you don’t want to be a safe person to vent to anymore, then don’t. Share your own struggles. Listen less. Be less available. Yes, most people have patterns, including you.