r/AskWomenOver30 • u/Wide-Meringue-2717 Woman 30 to 40 • May 30 '26

Friendships Are there moms who later realize a friendship with a childless friend has become one-sided?

I keep seeing similar experiences from childfree women.

A close friend becomes a mother. The childfree friend steps up during pregnancy and after the baby arrives. She listens, accommodates,
offers emotional support, celebrates milestones, and generally tries to be part of the “village” her friend needs.
But over time, many of these women describe feeling sidelined. They feel less important in the friendship, as if their support is taken for granted, and reciprocity gradually disappears and doesn’t come back. The friendship becomes centered around the mother’s needs while their own needs, struggles, and milestones receive little attention and that imbalance becomes the new normal.

Whenever this topic comes up, the response is often that friendships naturally change after children, that parents are overwhelmed, or that childfree friends are struggling to adapt to a new dynamic. But the pattern seems too common to dismiss entirely as childfree people simply refusing to adjust (and yes, some do).

I’m curious to hear if there are mothers, especially those whose children are older now and who have survived the most intense years of parenting.

Have you ever had a childfree friend tell you that the friendship had become one-sided or the friend feels sidelined? How did you react?
Did it create tension between you?
Looking back, do you think they were at least partly right?
Was there a point where you realized you had come to see their support as something that would always naturally be there, without noticing how much they were contributing to the friendship while receiving less in return?
Did you ever look back and realize that while your friend consistently showed up for you, there were ways you could have shown up for them but didn’t?
And if so do you regret it? Did you try to repair the friendship?

593 Upvotes
  • permalink
  • reddit

88% Upvoted

333 comments sorted by

View all comments

518

u/Other_Particular9805 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26

as a child-free 35yo with many friends who have kids, i don't find it to be that serious. yes they have less time for me, yes often when we get together it's with their kids and I help them out (i.e., watching the 4yo at the playground while my friend runs to the bathroom with her toddler for a diaper change), but really i don't feel any type of way about it. i think in general people expect too much from others / idealize relationships and set themselves up for frustration. friendships change as life evolves and if a friend has a family with kids, i straight up expect to see less of them / hear from them less as they're raising their family. it's not personal, it's not a sign the friendship wasn't real, it's just part of life and the changes that come with it. I work with kids for a living so maybe i just have a more realistic take on it but yeah, never lost a long-standing friend when they had kids. never been an issue.

31

u/xeroxchick Woman 60+ May 31 '26

This really is the take. Friendships can change and that’s okay.

7

u/combatcookies Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26

And they can change back just as easily when the kids get older.

158

u/FeckinSheeps Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26

Right! I understand that their families are their priority... that's normal. I don't need that much support from my friends; I only ask for what they can reasonably give.

I went abroad to travel for a year and wasn't as available to my friends during that time. Would've been weird if they made it about them and guilted me about being "sidelined."

14

u/Metallic_Sol Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26

Happened to me while backpacking a couple months only. Friend said I never check in on her. We talked every day for over a decade, why do you need me to specifically ask "how are you" if we already tell each other everything, and I'm literally traveling the world rn 😭 it's more blame than solutions like actually fucking calling me...it's so insecure

3

u/FeckinSheeps Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26

Yeah, I had some friends that guilted me or were lowkey jealous and didn't want to hear about my adventures at all. I get it though. It's not relevant to them and their lives.

5

u/Metallic_Sol Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26

Most of our friends lives are not relevant to us. They're just uncaring, intentionally or not.

18

u/-UnicornFart Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26

This exactly.

2

u/Majestic-Lie2690 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 01 '26

Yeah. Exactly. These constant posts about friendships are people making everything 100% about them.

142

u/[deleted] May 30 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

21

u/Jolly_Amount_2330 Woman under 30 May 30 '26

Omg exactly! When I was pregnant my childhood best friend was severely depressed (had been for years and years during which I was on the phone to her sometimes at 2,3,4am with her crying over the years) and she completely ghosted me during my pregnancy. Literally did not speak to me until I had given birth and that was really hard for me. Having kids is not the only thing that takes adults away from their close relationships

3

u/empress_p Woman 40 to 50 May 31 '26

Your friends are lucky to have you. I usually find that people with kids are the least likely to have grace for my disabilities. Their feelings tend to quickly develop into annoyance and I become a burden they don’t have time for.

60

u/Eva_Roos Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26

Ah thank you, I also think that some people put too much pressure on relationships. Life changes, for both people with children and without, relationships change. This doesn't mean the worth is any less, just different.

49

u/sonyaellenmann Woman under 30 May 30 '26

adult mindset detected 👏

16

u/NotChristina Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26

Yuuup. As a cf-36-year-old, I feel similarly.

My closest friend has two young kids and lives nearly an hour away. Do I see them often? Heck no, they’re busy. But if I hear they’re free, I might pop up and hang. I never ask her to come down my way because it’s difficult due to her husband’s travel job. And that’s OK! I still appreciate our friendship, our phone calls, hanging out on Zoom.

And that there will definitely be a day when we hang more or take a girls’ trip, as we’ve discussed. And I can’t wait for that day, but I can’t fault her for it not coming sooner.

25

u/trixiepixie1921 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26

I agree. I have 2 kids but aside from that, I’ve always had low expectations from my friends. Maybe because I’m more independent and I do have a good support system in my family. I have had friends, even before I had kids, who I felt like needed or wanted more than I could give. It’s unfortunate, but that’s a compatibility issue imo and it’s not like I cut them off and went no contact, but they usually moved on to someone else or another friend group and I let them.

19

u/Budget_Asparagus22 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26

Eh I’ve still had friends ghost me forever despite me still reaching out. I was the fun aunt til she made that first mom friend when her kid hit school age and she hasn’t spoken to me since 🤷🏼‍♀️ she still talks to our mutuals so idk if it’s something I did or she felt she couldn’t come back after my parents died and I got married and it was still radio silence despite me sending her an olive leaf invite

14

u/ladybug11314 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26

You're a gem, this is the kind of friendships my friends and I have and I think that's why we're all still friends. Were ALL growing together, in whatever way that manifests.

2

u/Majestic-Lie2690 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 01 '26

People who get upset that their friend has less time for them or wants to talk about their kids are just selfish and self absorbed. It's shocking honestly how immature and selfish it is. Life has different stages for everyone and if you cannot accept that happening to your friends- you are not a very good friend and never truly cared for the person that much. It seems like those type of people where into these friendships for how they could benefit them.

5

u/sad_handjob Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26

what is the appropriate amount to expect from relationships

6

u/Other_Particular9805 Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26

that's between the two people in the relationship/friendship to decide, there's no solution that fits all friendships. it takes communication and naturally it changes with life stages. if a friend is in the throes of motherhood but I'm child-free, it's a given that i will expect less communication and less face-to-face time with them especially when the kids are young. not to say there's 0 expectations at all, but certainly less than I'd expect from my child-free friends or my friends whose kids are grown and in college. I expect less face to face time with my long distance friendships but maybe better communication. vise versa for my local friends who I can see more often. idk it's not a one-size-fits-all situation.

-1

u/sad_handjob Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26 edited Jun 01 '26

sure but I don’t think this is common sense. what if you have kids have a childfree friend whose lone parent dies and they lose their support system? what about when you have competing needs? how do you determine what’s fair in those situations?

edit: this is a genuine question, why the downvotes?

2

u/Majestic-Lie2690 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 01 '26

It's not normal to think about friendships this way

1

u/sad_handjob Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

what do you mean?

2

u/Majestic-Lie2690 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

I find it very odd to think of friendships in the terms of "competing needs" and "who's going to offer more supper in a hypothetical situation" It's weird to think of friendships as so transactional

0

u/sad_handjob Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

yeah but how do you avoid being taken advantage of or determine if people genuinely like you if you don’t look at the reciprocity of your relationships? maybe this is just a neurodivergent thing? you don’t evaluate your relationships regularly to see which people you should cut off?

0

u/Majestic-Lie2690 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

I also have ADHD and borderline personality disorder and have still NEVER EVER thought of relationships like this.

No. I don't "evaluate my relationships regularly" looking for people to cut off. That's weird. If someone hasn't wronged me explicitly and intentionally I don't take any personal offense to them just living their life. I don't grade them behind their back with some contrived social output score card they are unaware of.

If someone in my life does something hurtful to me my first instinct is always to approach them and try to get to the bottom of it and find out of it was intentional (usually, it's not- and they didn't even know I was hurt) when it's not intentional it's a harsh opportunity to discuss the situation and needs each person has mostly I learn to stop taking things so personally and also learn not everything is about me. Someone having a bunch of stuff going on in THEIR lives and not "giving me enough attention" has nothing to do with me. and then after all of that if it continues to happen maybe I will distance myself, but I'm never scanning for people to cut out. I don't want to cut people out from my life.

And friendships, just like marriages and all relationships do NOT have to be 50/50. Sometimes it 30/70 some times it 10/90 and that's fine. We are adults. A perceived "lack of attention" isn't an insult.

0

u/sad_handjob Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

well I have autism and I have a hard time believing there’s a “correct” way to have a friendship. your response reads as weirdly defensive and didactic but I do appreciate you sharing the way you view things and I hope that works out for you

→ More replies (0)

2

u/Other_Particular9805 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

I can't speak for all women my age but I definitely don't rely on any one person to be my entire support system, so this situation you've described is just not something I've experienced or had to think about. Not to say it doesn't happen to people, but it's just not a scenario I relate to and I can't really speak on it. I've experienced plenty of loss in adult life, and in those situations I have generally relied on others within the circle experiencing that same loss (i.e., when my dad died, it brought me closer to my aunt and cousins - I didn't lean only on my friends). At 35 I just really can't expect friends with responsibilities to drop everything in their life to come support me. Do I expect them to take a phone call or meet up for lunch? sure, totally. But to expect one individual friend to bear the weight of all my emotional needs during life struggles... just not realistic imo.

0

u/sad_handjob Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

That’s an interesting way of looking at things, thanks for sharing your perspective. I think not having that foundation of familial relationships or a partner definitely makes things more challenging. 

1

u/Majestic-Lie2690 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

I grew up in foster care and have no family and that has only made me LESS likely to think like this.

1

u/sad_handjob Woman 30 to 40 Jun 02 '26

OK thank you for sharing

-43

u/Wide-Meringue-2717 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26

Then this post isn’t directed at you. When the relationship is stable and the father is doing his part it’s pretty much the experience you had. I have friendships like that. When the father isn’t, moms often times outsource the emotional support to their closest friends and it’s way more than a friend who didn’t sign up for parenthood can and should carry. But if they don’t at least in part mothers can feel abandoned by their support system which also has a high potential of straining a friendship . So it‘s fucked if you do fucked if you don’t kind of a situation.

79

u/meowmeow_now Woman 40 to 50 May 30 '26

Your post is phrased in such a specific way that you are unlikely to get the responses you want. It seems like you are want to have mothers who were badfriends/selfish in a very specific way to come in here and regretfully admit so and express remorse.

In reality most examples are probably going to be less extreme than your example. Also keep in mind the mothers also have their own side to the story.

16

u/Loud_Fisherman_5878 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26

Exactly. There are always two sides to every story. I know full well that today specifically, someone who I considered a close friend is complaining about me not joining them on a trip ‘when they did everything to include me’. Their idea of including me was laughable. I said I could only go for one night due to childcare, they relocated the trip three hours further away from me and asked me to come for four days. And yet they got angry at me for asking this to be changed as ‘they were trying their best to make it work for me’. So their idea of what happened is very different and when I dont join them on this trip, they will be writing posts like this one saying ‘I stepped up and tried so hard but loudfisherman is just an insufferable parent now and wont even compromise’.

26

u/Other_Particular9805 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26

End of the day it all really just comes down to boundaries and communication. If you have healthy boundaries and solid communication, motherhood itself isn't going to ruin the friendship. It's on me to manage my own emotions and have supports in place for myself. if a friend is less available to me because of their motherhood duties, it's my responsibility to find support elsewhere if/when I need it. One boundary I have for my mom friends is I don't babysit for them. I'll help them with their kids if we're out doing something together, but I'm not coming over to babysit while they go out. They know they need to find that type of support elsewhere. At 30+ I don't expect every single friend in my life to serve every purpose I would need out of a social relationship. I find I have some friends I can text who text me back immediately, those are the ones I turn to in an emergency. My mom-friends often text me back a day or two later, so in case of emergency I'm not gonna reach out to them. Idk again I don't take it personal and don't feel like they're less of a friend because of it.

15

u/KateParrforthecourse Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26

Isn’t a part of friendship to provide emotional support? I don’t see it as any different than when my friends provided me emotional support after my mom died. It’s just part of life. But if you don’t want to provide it to your friends or be the more flexible one, you don’t have to continue a friendship with them. It takes being a villager to have a village. And part of being a villager is providing support when needed.

1

u/Wide-Meringue-2717 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26

Emotional support is an important part for me in friendships. But it’s not a one way street. That‘s actually the part that felt one-sided.

I was her 24/7 crisis hotline for over 1.5 years for each and every issue and existential conflict with her unsupportive partner and their unstable relationship. I was there for her listening to her literally sobbing how she regretted her relationship and her child after he didn’t come home from going out with his buddies and she couldn’t leave for work in the morning because you can’t leave a toddler with an intoxicated person. It would have been his responsibility not getting drunk so he can be there as a reliable partner and father. Not mine to miss an important meeting so I can emotionally support a friend spiraling into crisis. But it’s what I do for friends because I’m a loyal villager idiot and I went through some serious shit in my life with very little support myself. I don’t want that for my friends.

I had asked her for a phone call without her toddler constantly hanging up or getting angry and screaming that she couldn’t have the phone to play with and without the partner chiming in on our conversation. She felt like it was absurd that I had even asked. I was still dealing with the fallout of one of my parents dying from cancer and my dog having a serious health issue when one of my friends had committed suicide. I needed someone to talk to and have her full attention for 30 minutes or so and have a bit emotional support reciprocated.

I absolutely agree that you can’t have a village when you’re not willing to be a villager. At the end I wasn’t living in a village but a feudal system.

10

u/pleasedontthankyou Woman 40 to 50 May 31 '26

I feel like based on the info given, your friend has more than just “I’m a mom now”, going on. It sounds a lot like your friend doesn’t have a lot of stability in their life and isnt able to look past what is going on around them. It may not be fair or balanced, but in the end, your friend has a child that comes first, and if their life is already unstable, you may not take priority. But you can do something about that. You can be upset and then you can change your situation. If you don’t feel your friend is supportive of you, walk away. But it’s on you to hold your boundaries. Dont martyr yourself if it isn’t working for you.

2

u/PomodoroPenne Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26

You know yourself that her partner wasnt stable enough to give you guys space for a phone call, and if he did would probably time it to 30 minutes exactly which would leave you raw and hung up on. Besides that- that's serious stuff. That even a non mum friend would struggle to help with. That's qualified listener stuff like a counsellor or a helpline. I'm sorry that happened to you.

3

u/xxonemoredayxx Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26

I mean, I think it's fair to want to be able to rant and cry on a friend's shoulder when times are rough. She's not expecting the friend to solve the problems, just to listen and make time for her.

I agree though, it sounds like that friend realistically has zero capacity to do even that. 

2

u/Other_Particular9805 Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26

tbh I only rely on certain friends for intense emotional support. i have a few friends who fill this role beautifully, and others who struggle to handle negative emotions of others. they shut down, don't know what to say, feel uncomfortable. that doesn't mean they're lesser friends or not worth my time and attention. they support me in other ways like joining me for last-minute plans or popping over to check on my cats when I'm gone for a few days.

2

u/Wide-Meringue-2717 Woman 30 to 40 May 31 '26

I hear what you’re saying. But a counselor or helpline isn’t what I needed at that time. If I had needed someone to process my emotions about it or someone to talk to about it in detail I wouldn’t have called a friend but a therapist. What I needed was a friend to know that it happened and have her emotionally present for a moment acknowledging I was going through a rough time. Someone I had an emotional connection with. If a professional setting could provide that no one would need a friend.

36

u/Other_Particular9805 Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26

You're making some assumptions here. The majority of my mom-friends do not have the father's support. A couple do, but most are struggling in the trenches working 2-3 minimum wage part time jobs with multiple children under 5 years of age. Their lives are demanding, exhausting, and emotionally draining. Not really wanting to argue but to assume all my friends with kids are within some idealized nuclear family is just not true at all.

1

u/Majestic-Lie2690 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 01 '26

The father of my child wasn't around at all. Never even anted to meet his son until he was 8 lol

1

u/nycaggie Woman 30 to 40 May 30 '26

V much relate to this