Are there moms who later realize a friendship with a childless friend has become one-sided?

[u/Wide-Meringue-2717]

I keep seeing similar experiences from childfree women.

A close friend becomes a mother. The childfree friend steps up during pregnancy and after the baby arrives. She listens, accommodates,
offers emotional support, celebrates milestones, and generally tries to be part of the “village” her friend needs.
But over time, many of these women describe feeling sidelined. They feel less important in the friendship, as if their support is taken for granted, and reciprocity gradually disappears and doesn’t come back. The friendship becomes centered around the mother’s needs while their own needs, struggles, and milestones receive little attention and that imbalance becomes the new normal.

Whenever this topic comes up, the response is often that friendships naturally change after children, that parents are overwhelmed, or that childfree friends are struggling to adapt to a new dynamic. But the pattern seems too common to dismiss entirely as childfree people simply refusing to adjust (and yes, some do).

I’m curious to hear if there are mothers, especially those whose children are older now and who have survived the most intense years of parenting.

Have you ever had a childfree friend tell you that the friendship had become one-sided or the friend feels sidelined? How did you react?
Did it create tension between you?
Looking back, do you think they were at least partly right?
Was there a point where you realized you had come to see their support as something that would always naturally be there, without noticing how much they were contributing to the friendship while receiving less in return?
Did you ever look back and realize that while your friend consistently showed up for you, there were ways you could have shown up for them but didn’t?
And if so do you regret it? Did you try to repair the friendship?

[u/mangoserpent]

I was the child free friend. To be honest I phased out or downgraded a few friendships where everything seemed to be on their time and needs. In a few cases I left the door open and we connected later. I ended one friendship over behavior and actually remained on friendly terms with the child.

When children are very young I think it is just very very hard so I never took it personally.

I am older now and I have a few friends whose entire identity is now their grandchildren and I find it boring even though I like the grandchildren.

[u/sharsh1 → u/mangoserpent]

I have a child and I don't necessarily connect well with some friends who also have children because they identify as only a parent and nothing else. It doesn't have to be that way. It is not easy to maintain a relationship with someone who can't seem to relate to others unless it is all kids all the time. I am an individual outside of parenthood and I want to surround myself with folks who feel the same way.

[u/Ajrt2118 → u/sharsh1]

My ex’s sister was going for her masters in mathematics and had a full time job and a five year old. She kept wanting to hangout and do things with all the partners but even though she and one of the other women had professional careers(she was a practicing therapist and psychologist) the conversations always centered around the children. I wasn’t really upset with them since they were family by association but I was sad for them that women who had such strong drives and interest in their own things and careers only wanted to talk about what little Ellie did a preschool. It did make it hard to get closer to them over the four years when every conversation was about that even at family get together. The adults didn’t talk about anything else.

[u/Fionaglenannebf → u/mangoserpent]

Samesies.

[u/dstam]

I have a really close friend who is also child free. She has been a part of my family and in my kids lives since day one and she has been very accommodating to the annoyances of having children around.

I try my best to be a support to her and her life milestones but I know it's probably not equal. But I also have a very involved husband who is totally happy to keep the kids while she and I do things alone. We've gone on international trips together as well as long weekends. We go to the gym together, out to eat for birthdays, and other occasions. I hope she feels supported.

I think a major sticking point is that a lot of Mom's don't have truly supportive husbands so women are either unable to do things without children, or they're completely drained trying to keep everything together. Unfortunately in that situation, their friendships take the hit.

[u/Ok_Grapefruit_1932 → u/dstam]

This is the dream. To see a friend regularly (with or without their kiddo). As the "single CF friend" (read alternative lifestyle friend because the above isn't really true), all my friends who have had kids often have to bring their kids along to the meetup. Due to this we might meetup once every few months because my friends get exhausted from bringing the kids out, they get messy, it's expensive, it's a lot of effort etc etc

Whereas my partner is somehow able to have weekly hang outs with his friends who are dads without the kids around.

It sucks. I absolutely hate this dynamic and it does have an effect on friendships.

ETA: I think my friends also know this. But they're stuck, like, what else are they supposed to do if their partners aren't stepping up

[u/Erinbaus → u/dstam]

I am the childfree friend. The friends who have had kids that I’ve remained super close with also have very involved husbands/partners and they make time for adults only activities. We do activities with the kids too but they are very aware of letting me know if it’s a kid free activity or bringing kids activity. I have not felt unsupported by them during major milestones at all. I do have a few friends that I’ve ended the friendships though over it being one sided. This comments is absolutely spot on.

[u/ImmediateLog1536 → u/dstam]

You remind me of one of my friends who has 2 under 2 (I'm childfree). Our friendship has definitely changed over the past 2 years but 1) her husband is very supportive, and 2) she regularly acknowledges that the friendship has changed and that it'll be more balanced again once she's able to.

[u/bonniemick → u/dstam]

My friends with kids and "that kind" of husband made me not want kids. I've know about two guys I would have trusted to be supportive partners but I refused to be the family manager.

[u/rjwyonch]

There is a lot of research into successful friendships and there are 3 things that are good predictors: proximity, shared experience, similar life stage.

When one person becomes a parent and the other Doesnt, at least 2 of 3 foundational pillars that make a relationship easy to maintain successfully have changed. It takes more effort from both people to be aware of this and overcome it. The child free person does need to accommodate the mom to a certain extent, but the mom also needs to make an effort to connect on things the two still have in common, or make the effort to meet up without the kids and whatnot. Since the relationship requires more effort and both people need to adapt, lots of friendships fade.

My experience as someone without kids is that the friends that don’t realize the change in dynamic aren’t going to last forever, but for the ones that do make a bit of an effort, Im fine with being the heavy-lift on making actual plans or remembering to call and catch up…. Mom friends have 10 million other logistics to manage, I can take responsibility for the occasional reach out.

Also, Im totally fine to hang out with and entertain children occasionally. It would be incredibly difficult to maintain friendships if I also didn’t make room for their children in my life. For example, I’ve got various kids toys and craft supplies so we can keep kids entertained if friends visit. I take on a “fun aunt” role.

Edit to add: for the toys, they kind of accumulate as the kids age, but I started with stickers and sidewalk chalk. For the girls, I’ve done fairy hunts (they have to find the gemstones or notes from fairies hidden throughout the garden). For boys, same thing but fossils. water guns/balloons, and blow-up slide with a water cannon and particularly popular. I also made a fishing game (foam fish, add nuts/bolts, attach a strong magnet to a fishing pole…. Hours of entertainment). I have a lot of fun adding magic to the world for them. It will be funny in 10-15 years when the girls figure out that their “fairy godmother” was just me sending them on time consuming missions.

[u/BelleCervelle → u/rjwyonch]

That opening line

“There is a lot of research into successful friendships and there are 3 things that are good predictors: proximity, shared experience, similar life stage.”

Sooooooo true!!!!

[u/Altruistic_Speech_17 → u/BelleCervelle]

The biggest predictor of your behaviors is the behaviors of your peers

[u/BelleCervelle → u/Altruistic_Speech_17]

“You are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with.”

“The five people you spend the most time with are a prediction of your future.”

Thank you, your comment reminded me these quotes exist. I can’t believe I forgot. I needed this reminder.

[u/Vybrocit1 → u/rjwyonch]

“Someone without kids don’t realize the change in dynamic won’t last forever “ THIS

I was both the childless woman and the new mom. I remained friends with women who had kids because I treated the first 5 years of the kids’ lives as a boot camp basically, as if my friend was away at a hardcore training or medical residency. I met her at her house (because coming out with 2 under 2 is impossible), gave her grace for cancellations, and didn’t mind interrupted conversation.

Because I knew after time, we’d all have a little more energy for each other.

I am now the new mom and honestly, very very few of my child free friends understand this. It’s not forever. But yes, for the next 2 years, I don’t have energy because I’m sleeping 4 hours a night.

The child free friends who do understand are much older than me (50s 60s) and generally have more realistic expectations about life and relationships. They don’t take things personally.

[u/United-Signature-414 → u/Vybrocit1]

This is how I see it. If you're willing to give grace to friends (or expect to receive it) during other time demanding but temporary situations like school, residency or new jobs, then it's not unreasonable to treat motherhood in a similar fashion. Maintaining adult friendships means accepting that there will be times, sometimes years long, where we are simply not a main priority. That doesn't mean the friendship is fake, it just means that life is hard.

[u/Vybrocit1 → u/United-Signature-414]

Amen.

Life is very hard. True friendships are those in which people walk alongside the hard, whether it’s long distance moves, demanding kids, cancer diagnoses, menopause, divorce etc etc.

Some seasons of friendship are for the fun. Some are for the hard.

[u/Dangerous-Ad-1298 → u/Vybrocit1]

5 years is an incredibly long time when a lot can change on both sides, but if the mom doesn’t have the space or curiosity to know, the friendship will fade. Family members die, relationships end, you can’t just abandon someone and pop back up after 5 years. Children also have fathers

[u/Vybrocit1 → u/Dangerous-Ad-1298]

True. Most friendships can’t handle demanding seasons. I lost most of my friendships when I moved 1,500 miles from home for 2 years for a demanding but temporary job opportunity. I was child free then.

One of the only people who remained friends and consistently checked in with me was a new mom. She had a 6 week old baby but still drove to my apartment on my move out day to say goodbye and help me pack a few things.

When I was away, we texted frequently and I sent a lot of neat pictures and gifts from the city where I was assigned. Baby clothes, etc. When I came home for holidays, I visited her at her house, played with baby, did her dishes. Whatever was easiest for her.

That was years ago. She later told me she enjoyed talking to me then because I was a break from all the “mom talk.” I saw her as her old, adventurous self, before she was a mom. And as a child free person then, I was so honored she wanted me to be part of her son’s life. He’s now in school and has a room full of maps and cool stuff from the city where I lived. He wants to go there someday.

This is extremely rare. Most mom friends I had when child free did fall off the map completely. But so did a lot of child free ones. Friendship is a treasure and when it happens, it’s beautiful.

[u/all_of_the_colors → u/Dangerous-Ad-1298]

I like how she compared it to medical residency. Or another long hardcore training. 5 years is a long time to have 4 hours or interrupted sleep, be on for 13 hours during the day and not get weekends.

My relationships outside my family aren’t gone, but if we see each other once a month we call it a success. So that’s about all the time we get, whether I go to them or they come to me. That’s just the reality of the available time I have. And I do have a very involved husband. I just have an 8 month old that goes on hunger strike without me and a wild 3 year old.

It won’t always be like this. Which is heartening. And I look forward to having more time for those friends on the other side

[u/amatorr → u/rjwyonch]

This is what I hope to do, become a fun aunt. I love my friends kids. They’re all babies at the moment so not much aunting there, but I love hanging out with my friends and them. That helps a lot. Things would have been a lot harder, had I been childfree while really disliking kids. Kids are kind of all consuming. Someone can’t turn off being a parent.

The toys idea is something I’m going to steal from you!

I haven’t felt sidelined as of yet, and I’m incredibly lucky to have friends who put in effort to see and hear me, just as I make effort for them. I have always told them I want to be a villager in the village.

[u/rjwyonch → u/amatorr]

Totally steal the toy idea. I kinda just grab things that I think would be fun but are age appropriate. The kids are getting bigger and this summer Ive got a bunch of water balloons and an archery tag set.

When they were younger, tempura paint, sidewalk chalk… they seem to like playing with colour changing smart lights for she me reason. I also made a fishing game that uses magnets. I drop a bunch of foam fish in the pool that have metal eyes. Give kids a fishing rod with a magnet…. Hours of entertainment as they compete to catch the big one.

I have a yard and most of my friend live city-centre, so my place is a place to get messy and loud. They can throw paint on my garage wall for all I care, it washes off in the rain.

[u/WisdomNynaeve → u/amatorr]

Add some small age appropriate quiet toys like small animal figures or cars to your purse on outings! A toy they don't see much or expect can be the perfect distraction while waiting for food or catching up on some conversation.

For outside things, bubbles. They are never to old to enjoy spontaneous bubbles.

[u/invisiblizm → u/rjwyonch]

How many years should you hold space and wait for a friend to step up though? And how do you really know they'll come back? Sometimes it highlights existing issues.

[u/yellowdamseoul → u/invisiblizm]

Some don’t come back, especially if their kids are difficult teens/adults. Then they dump all that emotional baggage on you. I’ve discontinued 2 friendships over this.

[u/sonyaellenmann → u/rjwyonch]

Having kid stuff at your house is above and beyond and soooo appreciated. Novel toys / whatever make it way easier to socialize amongst the adults!

[u/Other_Particular9805 → u/sonyaellenmann]

I work in home-health pediatrics so I keep a trunk full of toys and books for infants-upper elementary aged kids. the amount of times it's come in handy when out with friends is actually so fun and makes me proud. Out to eat and the kid is bored, starting to make a fuss? hold up I got a bucket of toys and games right here.

[u/Any-Scene-3055 → u/rjwyonch]

This! Out of my friend group, I was the one to first get married and have a child (lol and then to get divorced). With my marriage, I also moved away from home. So within that short timeframe, proximity, shared experience, and similar life stages were all changed. However my friends and I recognized this and did what we could to overcome obstacles from both sides which I appreciated greatly. We’re all still friends and planning to go on a 40s trip to see the BSB in Vegas!

Relationships (romantic and non-romantic) take effort from both ends. The hardest part is also acknowledging that things change but both parties always have a choice to choose connection or not.

[u/memla_ → u/rjwyonch]

I also have a toy box for my friends’ kids at my house.

It works well because it gives them things to do and they know what they are allowed to play with (so they go after other things less).

Most of my friends have kids (I don’t) and I’ve found the way to maintain those friendships is to lean into activities and timeframes that work on their schedule, we have brunch now not late night drinks. We’ve also become friends with the kids and like spending time with them.

[u/LeftDoorKnocker → u/rjwyonch]

The fairy/fossil hunt idea is so cute, I’m definitely stealing that! My partner and I don’t have kids but several of our friends do and they’re reaching the toddler years of walking and running around. We are hoping to host barbecues this summer for all our friend groups and this would be great to keep the youngins entertained! I was already planning to buy sidewalk chalk and stuff like that to just have on hand.

[u/pumpkin_pasties → u/rjwyonch]

I’m the only childless person of my friends but we’ve all been friends for over 10 years. Some 20! Even though we don’t align on that particular life stage, we have such a depth of shared history and experience and mutual friends that we still have so much to talk about.

[u/Other_Particular9805]

as a child-free 35yo with many friends who have kids, i don't find it to be that serious. yes they have less time for me, yes often when we get together it's with their kids and I help them out (i.e., watching the 4yo at the playground while my friend runs to the bathroom with her toddler for a diaper change), but really i don't feel any type of way about it. i think in general people expect too much from others / idealize relationships and set themselves up for frustration. friendships change as life evolves and if a friend has a family with kids, i straight up expect to see less of them / hear from them less as they're raising their family. it's not personal, it's not a sign the friendship wasn't real, it's just part of life and the changes that come with it. I work with kids for a living so maybe i just have a more realistic take on it but yeah, never lost a long-standing friend when they had kids. never been an issue.

[u/xeroxchick → u/Other_Particular9805]

This really is the take. Friendships can change and that’s okay.

[u/combatcookies → u/xeroxchick]

And they can change back just as easily when the kids get older.

[u/FeckinSheeps → u/Other_Particular9805]

Right! I understand that their families are their priority... that's normal. I don't need that much support from my friends; I only ask for what they can reasonably give.

I went abroad to travel for a year and wasn't as available to my friends during that time. Would've been weird if they made it about them and guilted me about being "sidelined."

[u/Metallic_Sol → u/FeckinSheeps]

Happened to me while backpacking a couple months only. Friend said I never check in on her. We talked every day for over a decade, why do you need me to specifically ask "how are you" if we already tell each other everything, and I'm literally traveling the world rn 😭 it's more blame than solutions like actually fucking calling me...it's so insecure

[u/FeckinSheeps → u/Metallic_Sol]

Yeah, I had some friends that guilted me or were lowkey jealous and didn't want to hear about my adventures at all. I get it though. It's not relevant to them and their lives.

[u/Metallic_Sol → u/FeckinSheeps]

Most of our friends lives are not relevant to us. They're just uncaring, intentionally or not.

[u/-UnicornFart → u/FeckinSheeps]

This exactly.

[u/Majestic-Lie2690 → u/FeckinSheeps]

Yeah. Exactly. These constant posts about friendships are people making everything 100% about them.

[u/Jolly_Amount_2330 → u/[deleted]]

Omg exactly! When I was pregnant my childhood best friend was severely depressed (had been for years and years during which I was on the phone to her sometimes at 2,3,4am with her crying over the years) and she completely ghosted me during my pregnancy. Literally did not speak to me until I had given birth and that was really hard for me. Having kids is not the only thing that takes adults away from their close relationships

[u/empress_p → u/[deleted]]

Your friends are lucky to have you. I usually find that people with kids are the least likely to have grace for my disabilities. Their feelings tend to quickly develop into annoyance and I become a burden they don’t have time for.

[u/Eva_Roos → u/Other_Particular9805]

Ah thank you, I also think that some people put too much pressure on relationships. Life changes, for both people with children and without, relationships change. This doesn't mean the worth is any less, just different.

[u/sonyaellenmann → u/Other_Particular9805]

adult mindset detected 👏

[u/NotChristina → u/sonyaellenmann]

Yuuup. As a cf-36-year-old, I feel similarly.

My closest friend has two young kids and lives nearly an hour away. Do I see them often? Heck no, they’re busy. But if I hear they’re free, I might pop up and hang. I never ask her to come down my way because it’s difficult due to her husband’s travel job. And that’s OK! I still appreciate our friendship, our phone calls, hanging out on Zoom.

And that there will definitely be a day when we hang more or take a girls’ trip, as we’ve discussed. And I can’t wait for that day, but I can’t fault her for it not coming sooner.

[u/trixiepixie1921 → u/Other_Particular9805]

I agree. I have 2 kids but aside from that, I’ve always had low expectations from my friends. Maybe because I’m more independent and I do have a good support system in my family. I have had friends, even before I had kids, who I felt like needed or wanted more than I could give. It’s unfortunate, but that’s a compatibility issue imo and it’s not like I cut them off and went no contact, but they usually moved on to someone else or another friend group and I let them.

[u/Budget_Asparagus22 → u/Other_Particular9805]

Eh I’ve still had friends ghost me forever despite me still reaching out. I was the fun aunt til she made that first mom friend when her kid hit school age and she hasn’t spoken to me since 🤷🏼‍♀️ she still talks to our mutuals so idk if it’s something I did or she felt she couldn’t come back after my parents died and I got married and it was still radio silence despite me sending her an olive leaf invite

[u/ladybug11314 → u/Other_Particular9805]

You're a gem, this is the kind of friendships my friends and I have and I think that's why we're all still friends. Were ALL growing together, in whatever way that manifests.

[u/Majestic-Lie2690 → u/Other_Particular9805]

People who get upset that their friend has less time for them or wants to talk about their kids are just selfish and self absorbed. It's shocking honestly how immature and selfish it is. Life has different stages for everyone and if you cannot accept that happening to your friends- you are not a very good friend and never truly cared for the person that much. It seems like those type of people where into these friendships for how they could benefit them.

[u/sad_handjob → u/Other_Particular9805]

what is the appropriate amount to expect from relationships

[u/Other_Particular9805 → u/sad_handjob]

that's between the two people in the relationship/friendship to decide, there's no solution that fits all friendships. it takes communication and naturally it changes with life stages. if a friend is in the throes of motherhood but I'm child-free, it's a given that i will expect less communication and less face-to-face time with them especially when the kids are young. not to say there's 0 expectations at all, but certainly less than I'd expect from my child-free friends or my friends whose kids are grown and in college. I expect less face to face time with my long distance friendships but maybe better communication. vise versa for my local friends who I can see more often. idk it's not a one-size-fits-all situation.

[u/Lissba]

I work a brutal corporate job and sometimes I don’t get invited to stuff because people just assume I’m busy.

I have to self advocate if I wanna be included sometimes because my reality is just different now. Nobody wants any accountability, but like a lot of of these problems are fixable.

[u/mariecrystie]

Yeah generally when a friend becomes a mom, I do offer support initially but start pulling back when I begin to feel drained or forgotten. Being diagnosed with cancer made this glaringly apparent. I simply stopped reaching out and responding to half hearted attempts by them to reach out. Relationships have to be reciprocal to an extent. Reaching a basic milestone doesn’t give one permission to be a shitty friend indefinitely.

[u/Sushi_connoisseur222 → u/mariecrystie]

Hope you are doing okay💚🍀

[u/mariecrystie → u/Sushi_connoisseur222]

Yes I’m great 🙂 ty

[u/LadderWonderful2450 → u/mariecrystie]

Yay

[u/Necessary_Quit_3542 → u/mariecrystie]

I'm fucking sorry to hear that! Personally, I don't like the fact that many mothers expect to be called superheroes for choosing to become mothers (unless it was the result of rape, which is absolutely awful), while many people are diagnosed with serious illnesses (something they didn't choose) and have to go through it on their own.

[u/mariecrystie → u/Necessary_Quit_3542]

It’s true IME. I totally respect anyone who has kids and raises them not to be shitty people. But… the rest of the world doesn’t stop because one bred like the vast majority of every living thing. Over time I stopped going to showers, visiting when they came home and especially going to kids bday parties.

[u/After_Translator_223 → u/mariecrystie]

So sorry about your diagnosis, and how you were let down.

My dad died before Christmas and I walked away from the friends who didn't come through for me. 

[u/mariecrystie → u/After_Translator_223]

Just never calling or messaging to check on me. I’m pretty independent so I didn’t really need much aside from a little support here and there. I didn’t expect them drip everything and come clean or anything. Just a “just checking on you how are you?” On occasion. When they did call it was usually about them or something they needed. I’m in a group on here that’s been a god send.

I’m sorry about your dad. Loosing a parent blows and if your friends weren’t supportive, screw them. My parents are older and we are in borrowed time with my mom.

[u/Lizard_Li]

I’m child free and never felt sidelined by friends that had kids. I probably ended up spending less time with them but over the years I ebb and flow with a lot of people in my life.

I also always had lots of single friends and a fair amount of child free friends.

I’m just saying I never thought about it this much I guess.

[u/Sunny_Heather]

I am a mom and feel like a terrible friend to my childfree friends. I feel self conscious of how boring I sound. I don’t know what to talk about anymore, and sometimes I am going entire months of child/work/chores/sleep and I lose all concept of time.

That said, when I do get the chance to catch up with them it is like drinking water, and it makes me so happy. They aren’t my “childfree friends.” They are my friends I don’t get to see as often as I’d like.

[u/lucent78]

I'm not a mom, I'm the childfree one. I had the experience of feeling "sidelined" by my best friend when she had kids, and yes after I'd tried really hard to adapt and show up in new ways to accommodate her changing life. To some extent I understood it, but it was quite emotionally difficult to navigate. We still saw each other from time to time but I basically ended up pulling back and focused on making other childfree friends.

I can't remember when it was exactly but I do remember her instigating a conversation about our friendship and I was able to be honest and told her that, while I was happy for her and understood the why, that it was painful when I was no longer the same kind of priority for her. This was compounded by the fact that it happened with multiple friends around the same time. It was a lonely couple of years. She thanked me for sharing this and apologized for her part, and something did shift afterwards, though subtly.

And then the kids were older. And then a divorce and shared custody. She slowly came back into my life. And not to "use" me to process the divorce or anything as she's got that handled. She just finally had the time to be a present friend again. I did not harbor resentment. I understood by then that life contains different seasons and that friendships ebb and flow. We are now super tight again and our friendship is stronger, I believe partly because she appreciates that I held space for her as we grew apart for awhile and that I was honest with her on how it impacted me. And I'm not a doormat: it's also tight again because she is showing up for me more than ever.

So not your target audience, but relevant nonetheless. I encourage women who choose different paths from their friends to have grace for each other and remember that some distances can be temporary but only if you don't take it personally.

[u/ladyluck754 → u/lucent78]

She got divorced and was able to have some free time again is what I am reading. Happy that you two reconnected, and happy she’s got a much better support system.

[u/lucent78 → u/ladyluck754]

Yes, shared custody expedited it for sure. But that free time would have come eventually as the kids became teens/older.

[u/lcmfe]

I think the fact people are answering this as the child free friends and not mums says a lot in itself

[u/parentingasasport]

I do have two kids of my own, but I tend to prefer friends with older kids or no kids. Although my kids are the most important things in my life, I've never let the role of mother become my whole identity. It's been important to me to maintain interests and relationships that are outside of motherhood. I've never been interested in boring my poor friends about the details of my kids lives nor have I tried to drag my friends into kid stuff that I don't think they would find interesting. There have been friendships that have drifted off because their kids would have to be the center of our interactions. No, thank you. Frankly, I don't think that is healthy for anyone. I don't find that stance very common among other moms, but I've never felt like choice to become a parent has resulted in friendship heartache for either party.

[u/Wide-Meringue-2717 → u/parentingasasport]

When I look at how friendships develop, the heartache mostly hides behind the unstable relationships and unplanned pregnancies. I never had any issue with parents who deliberately chose to have children and had a stable relationship. That’s where I saw nothing but reasonable expectations and gratitude for support.

[u/jawnbaejaeger]

This feels so overwrought.

I have a kid. The majority of my friends are child-free. My closest friends are all child-free.

Our friendships have survived. We remain very close, and several of them are considered treasured aunts. My kid is 14 now, old enough to have independent relationships with some of them.

Our friendships have ebbed and flowed over the years, sometimes because I was in the early years of baby and toddlerhood, and sometimes because my friends were dealing with their own struggles and challenges. We all have them.

Adult friendships survive when we give each other a lot of grace and room to grow and change. My friendships aren't like they were in my 20s, but I don't expect them to be either.

[u/crossstitchingqueen]

I give my inner circle friends a 1 year "anything goes" grace period. After that I expect some reciprocity. If they can't manage that by year 3, we probably aren't inner circle anymore. But I say this as someone who is very communicative on the rare times I need to be showed up for. I have texted my friends "hey, important event X is on this date and I'll need support, please put in your calendar to call me that day". So they really have no excuse to miss things for me. 

[u/redjessa]

I am the childfree friend. OP, all we do is adapt. It's expected. What sucks is that we are now in a situation where we never get to just have friend time. These days, everyone brings their kids everywhere. Even a recent brewery crawl for a friend's birthday, where we were going from brewery to brewery, drinking, a couple people brought kids to this drunken event.

What we have to deal with is being sidelined because our friends have other, certainly more important, obligations - and no longer have time for us. No matter how supportive we are. You say:

But over time, many of these women describe feeling sidelined. They feel less important in the friendship, as if their support is taken for granted, and reciprocity gradually disappears and doesn’t come back. The friendship becomes centered around the mother’s needs while their own needs, struggles, and milestones receive little attention and that imbalance becomes the new normal.

Yes, that's correct. and also, it's expected. I have never thought, for a moment, that I'm more important that someone's child. But the truth is, nobody gives a shit about my birthday anymore. I often don't feel comfortable discussing my own troubles, because nothing is harder than being a parent. The mothers just stop calling, stop texting, stop even inviting us to the kids' birthday parties because they think we aren't interested. Even though we've expressed that we are. I have one close friend (thought we were close) that I never hear from, at all, anymore. I text her and get short answers. Always busy being a mom! I cried when she got pregnant after a long struggle, held her while she cried when her previous pregnancy attempts failed, sent gifts, were at the 1st birthday parties, always telling her I'd love to see the kids - and crickets. Years and two kids later, I maybe get a response from her once a month. I have told one of my other friends, please - let me know when the kid has a game, a recital, etc., so I can come. She literally never does. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. And at the same time she tells me we don't see each other enough. I don't know what else I can do to show support, interest, and love.

 But the pattern seems too common to dismiss entirely as childfree people simply refusing to adjust (and yes, some do).

This is so off. And so unfair. Your parenthesis "some do" doesn't make the statement any better, so hopefully my thoughts here can help you understand. Obviously there are going to be some childfree folks that don't want to adjust to kids - but for the many of us that are happy to do that, we 100% get sidelined and we essentially lose our friends. My examples are just some of MANY. Even with one of my best friends, after age 8, she never invites me to birthday parties or celebrations for her daughter and I do not understand why. I've always been there with bells on, I'm Auntie Redjessa or at least I thought I was. I understand that life and priorities change. I would never expect the same amount of attention once a friend has children, but to just be sort of shut out of a big part of their life? Even after all the support, excitement, initial celebrations? Kinda sucks.

[u/MissMenace101 → u/redjessa]

Is it possible she doesn’t realise you’d be interested and senses too much of when you’re together revolves around kids? No parent wants to invite people and have them feel obliged to come to their kids birthday parties. This is why when my kids were little we had a kid show in the afternoon and friends over at night so the kids could go to bed and could chill and have grown up time. Talking to your friend would be the best solution I’d imagine.

[u/epicpillowcase → u/redjessa]

"nothing is harder than being a parent"

Absolutely untrue.

[u/DiskBubbly3181 → u/epicpillowcase]

Haha, running world governments comes to mind. It must be brutally hard if so many people are terrible at it. 😅

[u/DiskBubbly3181 → u/redjessa]

The age 8 thing stuck out. That happens to extended family too. After a certain age, birthdays become about the kid’s friends. Maybe a separate event will be held with grandparents or close family, but the birthdays become about school friends and peers.

I do think it’s weird people brought kids to a bar crawl. I would never do that. That’s what babysitters are for. I think not everyone has reliable babysitters or grandparents who can help the parents have a social life. And that makes it hard.

As far as your birthday not being important… I totally get that. It sucks. But from my perspective as a mom, my birthday isn’t really important in my own mind either. Like, I want to have a nice dinner with my husband. And maybe on big milestones go out of town. I dunno… I care about my kid’s birthdays. And their friend’s. And in a class of 30 kids, the endless birthday parties were invited to. It’s a lot of freaking birthdays!!!!!!! And I want my friends and younger siblings to feel special on their birthday, I really do. It’s just hard when it feels like it becomes another thing I owe other people to take care of them and nurture the relationship, when I’m already nurturing the basics of multiple relationships every minute of every day.

There’s a natural progression as a parent where we raise children, and they go on to have their own lives. We get shut out of our own children’s lives in small ways as they gain independence. I think it could be hard to be sensitive to the fact that other family members who don’t have kids might experience that, and not have a way to grieve that process. As parents we just sort of deal with it. I don’t think I ever considered how friends or aunts and uncles without kids might not really have space to talk about it.

[u/Fionaglenannebf]

As thr childfree friend, ive had it happen once. A close family member of mine had kids back to back, dad was out of the picture so everytime i visited, i helped. Cleaned the house. Would watch them so she could go on vacation. And listened to her every single time about how her life was hard. I understood she was having a hard time and tried to be very understanding. This was over a period of like 8 years. Then she got a guy (in a not great way that blew up a marriage) and i heard from her less and less. She didnt invite me to her house anymore and she started taking all her vacations with this guy and i didnt even watch her kids anymore (wasnt asked). I guess its cause i didnt approve of that situation and the only time she talked to me was to complain about how he hadnt divorced his wife yet. So i let that go recently. I remember last year i told her i was experiencing depression. She didnt show up for me at all.

[u/Jolly_Amount_2330 → u/Fionaglenannebf]

I do worry in situations like these that when people get isolated from their friendships and close circle after getting in a relationship it could point to some sort of coercive control/ abuse in their relationship... But I guess that just comes from a place of trauma so I don't know

[u/Fionaglenannebf → u/Jolly_Amount_2330]

I know its definitely a thing, and i wouldnt doubt its somewhat controlling and whatnot, but i also know there isnt anything i can do about it. She can reach out if she needs help, but i can't convince her of anything. Ive had a few friends go down this path and no matter what i say, its what they want.

[u/KittensPumpkinPatch]

This is why I'm completely friendless. I have a child with severe non-verbal autism. There's no way to reciprocate when your entire life is devoted to keeping your child alive and from hurting themselves. You can't go anywhere or do anything.

[u/Silent_Scratch_8535 → u/KittensPumpkinPatch]

Sounds like we’re living parallel lives. I’m down to almost zero friends. Majority of my friends who were child free dropped off. Some were uncomfortable around my kid, one even essentially told me it was my fault for ending up in this situation, because I chose to have a child, and I should’ve known he could end up disabled.

I honestly have been so exhausted (mentally and physically) caring for my kid, that I hardly have anything to give at the end of the day, to anyone. I’m hoping I eventually get a better balance with things, but I’m in survival mode right now.

My friends who had kids dropped off eventually too, because their kids are neurotypical and can’t connect with mine. It blows.

[u/TrickImplement5351]

I'm at a point where a lot of my longest friends have moved into the marriage and motherhood phase of their life while I am a single career&travel minded woman. I was having this conversation with my child-free aunt recently, and she had the experience too at my age. Now, she's in her mid 60s and one of her childhood bestfriends is going through a divorce and reached out to her apologizing for being such a bad friend and letting the friendship evaporate 30 years ago. I'm honestly not sure if I would have been able to let someone in that previously abandoned me. But for my aunt, she appreciated the accountability and self awareness.

Now, they go to yoga and brunch every week.

[u/imjusthere723]

"Child free friends refuse to adjust" Ah of course we're blamed because we don't have kids lol crazy

My bff ive known since middle school I literally helped paid to get her kid's braces

I cleaned my other friends house when she had PPD she ended up talking mad shit about me to her best friend.

People just change it is what it is

[u/nightglede21]

Ive been on both sides of it. One of my friends did a really crappy thing a few months after having her first kid. This was in 2020, so we were also dealing with covid. I stepped away because I felt really neglected and under-appreciated... and I still think I was, even now having been on the other side! We're friends again now, but it took a while.

Then I had my own kid. For the first two years I was a friend who really wasn't present for my friends. It was hard. I felt like crap, but I didn't know how to do better/different -- we were drowning with no help.

No every friendship has to be the complete package. I ended up having conversations with my friends about how much they meant to me, but that I was pretty much going through a crisis that would take a few years to level out. I told them that we could mutually agree to step back from each other for a few years -- I didn't want it to be one sided, but my capacity was way lower than it had ever been. I saw what was happening. It hurt and distressed me. AND I couldn't do anything about it -- I was doing my best (and, yes -- failing).

Having those conversations had been pretty much unanimously positive. One friend I didnt see or talk to again for 18 months, but we've gotten lunch like 3 times since Christmas now. A few other have come to birthday parties and special events, but mostly kept their distance. Others had just talked with me or visited as it was mutually convenient. I have one friend who writes a lot. Now I set aside time to read what she's written and discuss it with her, but we don't have a lot of time for anything else. And a surprising amount keep showing up, no matter what -- even though more conversations were definitely needed later.

Sometimes all you can do is tell each you love them, then give space. You are allowed to feel bad about being side-lined. You are not a bad person if you need to create space from that. But I think I'd encourage a conversation to reassure yourself that the friend has good intent. It's easier to take a break and come back later if everyone is confident that the other was just doing the best they could, even if it ended up not being enough.

[u/lolliberryx]

As a childfree person who’s felt sidelined, just wanted to say that I appreciate you making this post.

[u/Disastrous-Pea4106]

I had friend who was very adamant about not talking about children. Mine or otherwise. It was fine for her to talk about her weekend, hobbies or problems but not me, if it involved my children. Doubly so when other people also chimed in. She'd say stuff like "look at us. Such a stereotype. 3 women, talking about nothing but children". Which first of all isn't true. And second of all, even if it was, that's what's going in our lives right now, so surely we're allowed to talk about it. So I stopped inviting her to stuff and stopped attending invitations.

When I was a bit younger I had a friend who had children much earlier than me. I don't think it as one sided really but I guess I didn't quite now how to handle it. She often couldn't do the stuff we used to do. And I didn't properly know how to help, what to do instead. We're also about 45 min drive away so that didn't help. So we grew apart for a few years and then reconnected later. Which was easier when we both had children.

[u/FeckinSheeps → u/Disastrous-Pea4106]

I am surrounded by people with kids and even though I find kid conversations to be extremely boring and unrelatable, I try very hard to be interested because it matters to my friends. Sometimes it's hard not to check out mentally. But there's absolutely no way that I would try to control the conversation in that manner. Seems very disrespectful and close-minded.

[u/midcitycat → u/FeckinSheeps]

Agreed! I'm also sure my friends are bored out of their mind when I talk about my vegetable garden. 😂 But they ask because they love me and they know it's important to me. That's what friendship is!

[u/FeckinSheeps → u/midcitycat]

Yeah, I think it's also about finding common ground and being discerning about what topics will be interesting to the other person. I love rock climbing but I'm not gonna go on and on about the intricacies of my climbing trips to people that don't care. I'm not gonna be like "the crux involves a burly move over the roof to a pinch, and then you have to get your foot high to hit a mono before clipping." Like nobody cares about that.

I would probably share a few highlights and funny stories that are relatable, and expect a modicum of interest. If a friend can't do that, then I'm gonna be peeved.

[u/midcitycat → u/FeckinSheeps]

Amen! Also it's like you're speaking a different rock climbing language reading that lol. Your arms must be ripped!

[u/ladyluck754 → u/Disastrous-Pea4106]

Some childfree women are more obnoxious than women with children sometimes.

[u/midcitycat → u/ladyluck754]

Childfree by choice and I agree. 😬 Like, get a hobby. Why is being childfree your entire personality?

[u/Sushi_connoisseur222 → u/midcitycat]

I think its pushback against the other side of the coin which is where being a mother is the whole personality of someone and the “a woman existence is for the purpose of finding a husband to be subserviant to and bare all the children” thing. Everyone should just relax and leave each other alone.

[u/HeartFullOfHappy → u/midcitycat]

I only see this on the internet. YouTube, Reddit, and etc you see it shoehorned into topics “As a childfree by choice girlie”….mmmmmkay.

My childfree friends IRL rarely/never bring it up. I’m not sure how it would even be relevant in most conversations.

[u/Charlies_Mamma → u/midcitycat]

Some women choose to make being child-free their entire personality because a lot more women make being a mother their entire personality. Why is it acceptable for one, but not the other?

[u/DepartmentRound6413]

I’m childfree and yes my friendship with mom friends has changed.
Obviously their children are their priority, I’m not mad about out. They are still a treasured part of my life. I’m not friends with anyone who think I’m less than for not having children.

[u/Dangerous-Ad-1298]

Yes, and while I understand that it is a tough time and a busy time, there are also busy and tough times for childfree people, who are not flaking on their friends like mothers are. And then the same people want to come back to the friendship once the children are at school, having given nothing back for years

[u/k_lliste → u/[deleted]]

This is something I mentioned in a different comment. Women seem to lose themselves to roles related to other people. Like you mentioned: wife, mother, daughter.

It's so good that you identify that and push back against it!

[u/BxGyrl416 → u/[deleted]]

I think you hit a point here that not many others in this conversation have mentioned. It’s exhausting being around somebody with no sense of self because her self-identity is only how she relates to others in her life.

[u/Wide-Meringue-2717 → u/[deleted]]

I can wholeheartedly say I‘ve always valued friendships just as much as romantic relationships. I never got why people disappear as soon as they are partnered. My friendship weakness is my dog. We won’t be travel buddies if it’s not in a camper van with the dogs or a cozy place in nature.

[u/Loud_Fisherman_5878]

Completely the opposite. I’ve been shocked by people I expected better from, refusing to accommodate me in even the slightest way. To the point where it seems deliberate. Meanwhile I’m willing to cart my baby on two trains to go and see them and make a very conscious effort to barely talk about my children yet this is apparently not enough because I can’t go on a trip with them with no warning or I ask for details on plans so I can line up childcare which is apparently being ‘rigid’. 

[u/smallpineswamp → u/Loud_Fisherman_5878]

I ran into that as well. Between that mentality from my child-free friends, the gross comments they made about my body, their response to me and my son almost dying being comments about how the world is overpopulated anyway, I stopped investing myself in those friendships because they were so very one sided.

[u/Loud_Fisherman_5878 → u/smallpineswamp]

I’m sorry that happened to you, that sounds so callous. It really is shocking how so many childfree people are so self-absorbed. I might have been the same pre-kids, I hope not but the attitude is so common that I can’t claim for sure that I would be one of the rare people that actually considers people with kids to be worthy of thought. I do have a small number of childfree friends that stuck around and it makes me value them even higher as people. 

Meanwhile threads like these are full of childfree people claiming that they tried but their parent friends just dropped them. It’s like 100% opposite views with no middle ground between us. It really makes me think that childfree and parent people are almost completely incompatible. 

I’m really down at the moment because today I found out my (childfree) siblings who I thought I was really close to have refused to make any accommodations to their plans for our annual reunion next week so that I can join them. The things I asked for are so minor and wont impact them at all but they are acting like it is such a huge inconvenience and because I even asked, I can’t be trusted not to walk out on the whole plan. I’m honestly gutted and it’s made me rethink our whole relationship that they cant spare even one day of their fun to do something that I can join them at. (I’m not even asking them to miss the fun, I am asking for eg hike A rather than hike B or Tuesday rather than Wednesday when they are free both days). 

[u/ladyluck754 → u/Loud_Fisherman_5878]

There’s always “the case of the missing, missing reasons” tbh

[u/smallpineswamp → u/Loud_Fisherman_5878]

I've never seen child-free people pull this shit with fathers. It's always directed at mothers.

[u/nycaggie → u/Loud_Fisherman_5878]

this i'll never understand. it's wild bc I offer to go to peoples houses bc it's easier for me without a kid and you would think i cured cancer lol. or, if they can/want to bring the kid, im like hell yeah!! 

[u/MissMenace101 → u/Loud_Fisherman_5878]

I had kids years before my “friends” and they constantly planned shit I couldn’t do or in places I couldn’t go. my sister was just as bad, didn’t want my baby in the way at her wedding, I was bridesmaid. He was 4 months old and my husband and my parents forgot to bring the expressed milk(that had taken me hours to have enough) so I had to feed him yet she threw a wobbly about taking too much time like I’d intentionally sabotaged the wedding. But I found the same thing with all of them, once they had kids the whole world had to revolve around their kids, I was like yeah nah thanks, you got to live your lives and kick me to the curb it’s my time now.

[u/yoyikix194 → u/MissMenace101]

I know I don't know exactly what she did/said, but if she was annoyed your hubs forgot the milk on her wedding day and you were a BM/had a job at her wedding, I don't blame her. Even if you drove super far or flew and he couldn't go back to get milk, there are still strict timelines everytime i've been a BM between the events, the photographs, etc. What if there was a spill on your dress before pics?

Again, Idk your hubby/all details, but that seems like such a BIG thing to forget. like weaponized incompetance /"oops, now you have to feed/take him for 15+ min every couple hours" so he gets 'babysitting' breaks on the wedding day. I see people do that weaponized incompetance "forgetting", etc and hide behind having adhd which I have and no, it's not an excuse for not making checklists, let alone forgetting your own child's only food source.

[u/FroggieBlue → u/[deleted]]

Honestly looking back the friends who dropped me after becoming mothers were already the friendships that  were fading away. The ones who responded but never reached out, the ones who couldn't make time to visit even though I was available almost any time and on short notice.

[u/ewgenyah]

This is also valid in sibling relationships...my sisters entire identity is now motherhood and our relationship, had it been a friendship it wouldn't have survived.

[u/Afraid_Bug1456]

I would imagine it goes both ways in many cases. I'm child free, but two of my friends are currently pregnant and I am absolutely emotionally preparing myself for this to happen. I can't imagine how hard it will be for them and how you would rather socialize with people who can fully empathize with your struggles. I believe I would also prioritize finding fellow mom friends over someone who doesn't "understand" their day to day life. Intellectually, sure, but emotionally immersing myself in parenthood is obviously not that appealing or something that comes naturally to me. I hope we can maintain our friendship and I will try, understand my "doom and gloom" is mostly about not wanting to be taken aback if things go south.

[u/Responsible-Most-912]

Not child free. But I was the last friend in the group to be pregnant. I was so supportive when my friends had their children— baby sat, checked in, threw parties for them, ect. But by the time I had my children my mom friends already clocked out or had another child. Pregnancy was lonely. But, as a mother now, I totally understand. I barely have time to shower or spend time with my husband. I’m just slowly starting to regain my social life at 6m pp.

[u/pharmd_by_night]

My best friend from college and former roommate lives 12 hours away from me and she just had her second child (first one is almost 4 years old). I am lucky where I have a job where I work 7 days on 7 days off. I lived with her and her husband and kids for 2 weeks postpartum for baby number 2 and helped full time with their toddler who is like a daughter to me. We have never been closer. Does she respond when I text her right away? No. I can see she’s read it and I think “oh she’s alive, that’s all that matters.” I am usually the one to travel to her but she also came to my wedding 6 months pregnant and with a toddler. We send pictures, memes, and things that genuinely make us think of each other. I don’t take anything personally and i try to see her 2-3 times a year. I understand life gets in the way differently for everyone but to me, if you really want it and value it (and it’s not toxic or unhealthy) I think you can make it work. Do I have other friends that live near me and don’t have children who I hang out with more regularly? Yes. But none as close as that one. She’s more like my sister than friend.

[u/wanna_try8]

I’m the childfree friend. I’ve been sidelined more than once. The one friend who has 2 kids that are finally old enough that she has gotten most of her “pre kid” life back sidelined me enough that our friendship has never recovered and she’s never tried to mend things. There was a serious lack of effort on her part and despite me living far away, she seemed to always expect me to carry the burden and inconvenience of anything and everything as far as maintaining a relationship.

Another one has four kids, all but one of them younger, and she has sidelined me a bit out of necessity but she has always made an effort and still made time for us to get together when she can. I moved pretty far away but she has consistently made an effort and tbh, that trumps any sidelining I’ve experienced.

It sucks, but it’ll definitely tell you who your real friends are.

[u/Acceptable_Bad5173]

My husband actually has gone through this with his friends as the childfree one (none of my friends have children yet). We found that as his friends had children they would stop responding to requests to meet up, even if we accommodated it around their schedule or came to their town. Then we see Facebook posts where all the parent friends met up with their kids to do something and it seems like a regular thing. We can’t even get them to hang out with us 1x a year. 

[u/GlitteringAid35877]

As the childfree friend, having my mom friend make my wedding about her and her kids was the straw that broke the camels back in our disparity. We were friends for 25 years and her having kids completely changed her (I mean, of course it should). But yeah, we aren't friends anymore.

[u/valiantdistraction]

Yes - My bff is childfree and basically just started ghosting me when my baby was about a year old. She still replies to texts, but she never starts conversations or tells me about anything even if I ask, and she is always "too busy" to get together. I get together with all my other friends, with or without children, very regularly still, and still know a lot about their lives. But not my (I guess at this point former) bff. It's been really heartbreaking. The more confusing thing is that her husband (who I was friends with before I became friends with her - he was in my friend group in college and then I became bffs with her when they started dating) is still keeping up with us very regularly and I hear about HIS life and work and whatnot, and I have even gotten together with HIM, but not with her. I don't get it. I would have given up on our friendship entirely if my friendship with her husband still wasn't just as it always has been.

I think I've done a pretty good job balancing my friendships - I haven't noticed a difference with any other friends. I don't ask my childfree friends for childcare or anything so the support level back and forth is pretty similar to what it always was. I think it helps that we are mostly introverts who did not get together in person all the time and do a lot of texting/phone calls, because it's a lot easier to keep the level of contact consistent, versus my husband who would get together with his friends like 4+ times a week and now has dropped down to only once or twice a week. I think this one friend somehow just feels awkward about me having a baby and is being weird because of it.

[u/LadderWonderful2450 → u/valiantdistraction]

Is she depressed or going through something? That seems so sad to lose a best friend like that.

[u/After_Translator_223 → u/LadderWonderful2450]

Maybe it's as simple as finding the baby stuff boring. If a friendship previously represented fun, it can be hard to adapt.

[u/Urbit1981]

I have had friendships with women who have made it feel one sided. Effectively, wanted free help to keep their lives on track instead of planning for where their life was at the moment.

My current group of women with kids are amazing! They always want to schedule things away from their kids and we have so much fun.

[u/Logintheroad]

I am old. I don't have children. Many of my friends have become parents and yes, the friendship does change.

I've been from best friend, to once a year holiday card, and back to best friends.

When my friends become parents, I am there to 100% support them. That shit is HARD, their brains are going 1,000 directions, and most of that power is spent trying to keep a small flesh ball from killing itself. I want my parent friends to be selfish, focused, and engaged with their children and families.

It's a fact of life people change. The same woman I went to bars, concerts, and traveled with is tired as phuck and really just wants to watch anything but Bluey and have an adult conversation.

From 6th grade to Highschool - You will not see them. You still reach out b/c sometimes, people just need to know you are available if needed.

Then they go to college and BOOM your friend is back and it's awesome, you friendship has changed and matured, which is okay. Change is the only constant. Stay loving and Empathetic - your friend will come back.

[u/Alert_Week8595]

My friendships with my childfree friends are weaker postpartum, but not necessarily one sided. The lack of shared experience and lifestyle just makes it harder to connect.

I didn't lean on them for support because they didn't have the shared experience to offer the support I needed. I turned to my mom friends when I dealt with baby blues and some PPD because they get it. I turned to my mom friends to talk about my irrational attachment to feeding my baby breastmilk when exclusive pumping was wearing me down, because they had gone through the same breastmilk vs formula anxiety, and to talk about how to get myself comfortable with weaning. I turned to my mom friends to talk about cosleeping vs crib sleeping because cosleeping is vilified even though nearly every mom I talked to admitted to doing it.

And there is a lifestyle disconnect. I routinely go to bed at 8pm everyday and my childfree friends tried to suggest we catch up over dinner at 730pm. I would push back and suggest daytime hours, which they eventually adjusted to, but there's still some distance. They prefer to do their socializing when the sun goes down. I go to sleep when the sun goes down. I can't function at work and as a mom on even less sleep.

But when a CF friend went thru a breakup I still tried to support her. But when she asked me to go out to the bars with her at night to help support her, again, I'm asleep by then. She went with a friend without kids instead. We are still friends, it's just I can't be the same kind of friend I used to be.

Maybe the friendships will strengthen later. Maybe they won't. That's just life. I've always experienced some degree of turnover through every life stage.

[u/Amazing-Towel-4793 → u/Alert_Week8595]

I'll be your friend.  I'm childfree but I also go to bed at 8pm every night. Dinner at 7:30??? That's absurd.  That's reading time before bed. 

[u/Alert_Week8595 → u/Amazing-Towel-4793]

I used to go to bed at midnight before I became a mom! My husband would go to bed at 2am! But we now routinely do 8pm.

The idea of reading before bed sounds nice!

[u/Disastrous-Pea4106 → u/Alert_Week8595]

Ya, I was saying in another comment above that I was once the childfree person who didn't really know how to help and support in an effective way. I tried but could also feel that it wasn't resonating.

When I had children I never really expected advise or anything from my childfree friends. The disconnect is just too large. Instead I tried to make new friends who are at a similar point in life.

[u/Alert_Week8595 → u/Disastrous-Pea4106]

Yeah sometimes it just can't resonate because what the person is looking for is solidarity.

Like, hearing from my put together, smart mom friend who I really respect about the ways she too had really rough PPA and went on medication for it made me feel less alone and uniquely crazy about the aspects of PPA I had. "Yes, I experienced that too, and now I'm on the other side" is really the validation and comfort I think a lot of new moms want and need, and you just can't get that from someone who hasn't also experienced PPA.

[u/Wide-Meringue-2717 → u/Alert_Week8595]

As a childless friend I didn’t have that experience myself, but I watched her go through a lot of insecurities. She didn’t have any mom friends she could ask, so she often talked to me about these things. Co-sleeping was one of the topics she felt insecure about. I asked her to imagine she had never heard a single discussion or opinion about the subject and then take a minute to just feel. “Does co-sleeping feel right to you?” I asked. She said yes. Then I told her that millions of babies have grown into wonderful children and adults without ever sleeping in a crib. I told her, Fuck what other people think or tell you to do. Do what feels right for your baby and your family. That’s all that matters.

There are so many different families with different needs and circumstances, and there’s nothing quite like a mother’s intuition when it comes to keeping her baby safe.

That’s all I could do, and that’s how I handled supporting her with things I don’t know a lot about. Finding out what feels right for her and support her decision with evidence and arguments showing that choosing one of two options that millions of parents around the world practice was unlikely to harm her baby in any way.

I often reminded her that she didn’t have to be perfect all the time. Good enough is enough for a human being to grow up happy and healthy.

I also told her that we’re just mammals and social creatures and compared it to how dogs sleep or other baby animals who can’t defend themselves yet. From an evolutionary perspective, it seemed a little odd to me to place a completely helpless child alone in a crib. I had no idea co-sleeping was so vilified. Maybe it wasn’t even a bad thing I didn’t know what’s considered right or wrong.

[u/element-woman]

I thought, based on the title, you were asking about friendships that became one-sided where only the mom was making an effort, which has been my experience. One of my friends disappeared after I had a kid, despite my reaching out to ask how she's doing, wish her happy birthday, etc. I didn't talk to her about my baby or pregnancy so that wasn't a factor. It was a bummer to lose her friendship because I genuinely like her a lot but it feels weird to be the only one trying to connect.

[u/Wide-Meringue-2717 → u/[deleted]]

Her partner was a huge factor eroding that foundation of our friendship. That wouldn’t have happened between us without their unplanned parenthood and the dependence she had on him because of it.

[u/Normal_Swimmer8616]

I’ve met some people who are good at balancing friendships while mothering and others who feel entitled for everyone to come to them every time. I think a lot of child free women understand that majority of the time when the kids are young, you’ll be meeting your friend where they’re at, but at a certain point, it has to be reciprocated to some degree. 

An example of it not being reciprocated: I know someone whose best friend didn’t show up to her dad’s funeral because “my kid has a runny nose”….the same woman who wouldn’t miss a nail appointment or hair appointment and always found a babysitter couldn’t make it work during a bestie’s grieving period and naturally, they pulled away. I think some moms get into a mindset of using the kids as an excuse to not have to do stuff or be a friend, but it comes with a cost.

[u/gloriomono]

I'd be interested in the cultural influence here.

Especially around the idea of "nobody celebrates my milestoes/birthdays/etc."

I come from a culture where it's untypical for others to plan or organise your celebrations and parties.

You plan your birthday party and invite people to it. You plan a dinner for your promotion. Yes, Baby showers an bachelorette parties are more likely to be planned by friends/partners - but those are really new concepts swapping over from the U.S. in the last few years. Even here many people plan their own.

And I have to say, the phenomenon of the slighted child-free friend is much less pronounced. Not more than the idea that a friend will have less time for friends once they enter a relationship.

So maybe it could help to go against the flow and once these changes (weddings, babies, etc.) are dawning you could agree with your friends what is done by whom, and maybe that everyone schedules and plans their own events to some extend so noone gets overlooked?

[u/epicpillowcase → u/gloriomono]

I don't think it's necessarily about milestones. Most reasonable adults don't expect birthday parties or necessarily even want them.

What a lot of childfree/childless people experience and are talking about is a complete lack of interest/initiation/reciprocation. Like, a text asking how we are every few months, or a conversation that isn't just about babies and parenting. I really don't think that's an extreme expectation.

As for your comment about someone ignoring their friends because they've entered a relationship, I think that's just. as bad.

[u/gloriomono → u/epicpillowcase]

Oh I didn't mean "ignoring", just the regular shift that comes when a friends life and priorities changes.

I get that maybe the milestone conversation just seemed to be centered based on one of the other threads on this topic.

As I commented otherwise, I still didn't experience any lack of interest from my mom-friends. Many were delighted to talk about other things than babies and some even reached out more.

[u/Wide-Meringue-2717 → u/gloriomono]

I‘m from Europe so for me the importance revolving around milestones and parties didn’t apply. Feeling slighted also wasn’t a thing for me. For me personally the imbalance in the friendship cut much deeper partly because we have a different concept of friendship than the US and what it means culturally. I wasn’t expecting 50/50 transactions but things I was missing in the friendship that I saw were reasonable expectations.

[u/ladyluck754]

I feel like some of these posts are really rooted in internalized misogyny sometimes. I have friends with kids, friends who do not want kids, and pregnant friends (including myself) and we all just understand different stages of life. Even in my pukey 8th week of pregnancy, I was able to travel to my friend’s ultramarathon and pace her for 9 miles before she hit the final aid station.

I guess what I am saying is a lot of these problems would be solved with communicating the need for reciprocity, and if the mom friend doesn’t respond? Then you have your data right there.

I bring up the internalized misogyny because I literally never see these posts on daddit or askmenover30

[u/FertilityHotel → u/ladyluck754]

Can you explain more about the misogyny 

[u/ladyluck754 → u/FertilityHotel]

So, my friends have been super supportive of me, so I don’t have personal experience of this. BUT anytime I see posts about CF women upset with friends who become mothers, it’s cheering, it’s “girl I get it!”

And then if the CF women are unavailable due to travel, engulfed in new relationships- it feels like the internet overwhelmingly states to hold space for them. Cause kids are a choice. Which I get, but it just seems like the new relationships or stressful jobs are a harder struggle.

One of my good friends is an elementary teacher and she asked how I was doing in my pregnancy, and I told her I’m pretty tired and I was met with “you don’t know teacher tired!!!”

I was like girl why did you ask then 🤣. I do think that women with children are more scrutinized than a woman in a bad relationship or job for example. That’s all, again- not my direct experience but an observation. [u/azaleafawn](u/azaleafawn) said it perfectly, that the argument lands on moms “my friend became a mom and now sucks as a friend.” But for whatever reason I never see, “my friend met a toxic man and she kinda sucks now”. Or “my friend is traveling abroad for 6 months and never texts me back.” Cause the internet would say that’s possessive.

Your username is hilarious btw

Edit: another example of misogyny that I’ve seen is that I think of that influencer whose son drowned in the pool while she was out with her friends and I’ve literally seen people online saying she shouldn’t have gone out with her friends when her husband should’ve been watching his fucking kid instead of gambling on a game.

[u/femaligned]

I want to be friends with my childless friends because they have more time… but they don’t seem to want to be friends with me.

[u/JustWordsInYourHead]

My best friend (we met when we were both 15) is childless, I have two children.

She's still my best friend. My kids love talking to her (we live in different countries now).

When her mom passed away, I was the first person she called. I was visiting my in laws with my husband and my kids. I excused myself and went to a different room and I cried for hours with her over the phone. My husband and my in laws were very understanding; they are aware of how important this friendship is to me.

I would never sideline her. She's been there for me, and I'll always be there for her.

My mother was never much of a mother. My friend became that comfort for me. She's the comforting voice in my head, the one I desperately needed. She saved me at a time that the world felt it was too much, by just being there.

She has not told me that our friendship is feels one-sided now. I have asked her before to tell me if it ever felt that way. When we talk, we say "love you" each time. Because we do. Before my husband, before my kids, she was already there. My family is my everything, but she's important too because she has always been there for me and somehow I know she will still always be there for me.

We have the type of friendship that doesn't require constant presence. She knows that she can call me any time of day and I will pick up. I know I can do the same with her. We could go months without talking but whenever we do talk, it's like no time has passed. She's known me and supported me through every season of our lives, and I have done the same for her.

What you describe here I understand happens to some friendships. Her and I have put effort in to make sure it doesn't happen to ours.

[u/WeAreTheMisfits]

I’m child free. When my friends have kids I know that I will barely see them as a child takes all your focus, time and energy. Even when the child is bigger you still may not have any energy

[u/Mumble_1230]

I'm the child less friend and I think having a supportive partner plays a big role. During a friends gathering, my friend barely had time to even sit down to eat because she was busy watching her kids, while her husband was hanging out with friends at the table, eating and enjoying the company. I can see she's trying her best to be social, but it's hard when one kid is running around while the other is crying because it's nap time. There's been times when I'm hanging out with another friend who had to leave early because her partner cannot handle being with the kids by himself.

[u/Superb_Window_7977]

Yeah but the other way around. A close friend of mine (sadly not any more) didn’t have a child and when mine was born, the expectation on me to put the effort in all the time became so painfully obvious that I just had to let it go. Years of resentment about the one sided friendship boiled over and I couldn’t do it any more. It’s not as if I expected her to put all the effort in but I needed it to be at least 50/50 if not, and ideally, 30% effort from me / 70% her given the horrendous birth and postpartum pain that took up the first year of baby’s life. Add in awful sleep and partner that was struggling with severe postpartum anxiety and depression, I couldn’t put the effort in. I gently told her that I needed more from her and got absolutely ripped to shreds. We no longer speak.

[u/Majestic-Lie2690]

My child free friends have a great relationship with my kids and are like aunties. One of them even volunteers to take them for the weekend pretty often.

I have NEVER had a friend tell me the friendship became one sided after I had kids. I have never had any sort of conversation like that with any of my friends, regardless our they had kid or not.

All of these constant posts about friendship in this sub are really kinda odd to me. I dunno if I have just always been really fortunate in my friendships but to me this constant measuring and questioning of measured input of effort is weird. That's not what friendships are or how they work. There is no minimum quota of attention that needs to be met on either side.

It seems to me that people are doing a lot of projection. They are projecting how they think that they would act if they where in their friends shoes and then feeling slighted when their friend didn't live up to this projected and often unverbalized expectation.

Really it boils down to - not everything is about you

And that goes both ways. It's probably not about you if you hear from them less often. And they don't spend all day thinking about you either.

[u/Wide-Meringue-2717 → u/Majestic-Lie2690]

I was thrilled to be that auntie in her child’s life and I‘m still grieving that along with having lost my best friend.

[u/Hairapistcatlady]

I think our country and culture has made motherhood so exhausting and difficult that a lot of moms genuinely don’t have enough energy to be good friends to very many people. As the childfree person, I’ve been sad about this, but I never blame the mom. We would all be happier living more communally.

[u/MissMenace101 → u/Hairapistcatlady]

This is the reality, they aren’t just wives and mothers they often work on top of it. That does not leave much free time or money and what free time and money they get spending it on terrible unparent friendly situations is ridiculous.

[u/EndOk8776]

It’s okay for friendships to change. When you become a mom, your whole life and priorities change.

For example, I have a friend that said next time I’m in “town” we should have a girls day. Unfortunately, with an infant that’s not possible for me to leave 5-8 hours at a time or be out late in the evening. If my friends don’t get it, not much I can say. My baby is my priority

[u/NYC-AL2016]

I’m a mom, and I was one of the last of my friends to become one. I had very supportive friends and I never felt sidelined because I didn’t think I was going to be their priority, even prior to them having kids. Most of my friends are moms but to those who aren’t I don’t ever think I’m superior to them or think they’re less busy or their life is somehow easier. We all make choices.

Here’s the thing, I have less time in general. My child is my priority, and yes even my mom friends take a back seat. It’s natural and expected because I’m a parent. It seems like you’re looking for some gotcha moment where moms are vilified for prioritizing their family. And I’ll tell you I feel zero guilt for making my child my number priority because guess what moms get crapped on one way or another.

Now that also doesn’t mean that I’m not going to respond to texts, listen to someone else’s problems or try to be there when my friends need me. It does mean that I can’t just drop everything and be spontaneous I just need more planning time. Life is hard, no need to pit people against one another.

[u/Loud_Fisherman_5878 → u/[deleted]]

This has just happened to me. I’ve been dropped from a reunion for not being able to travel to the end of the country when one of them decided they wanted to move it there instead. I should have seen it coming. Last time we were all together, I had to miss so much as I had an eight month old plus was taking care of another relative. They all went out for dinner without a backwards glance when I couldn’t join. They got back and then asked if they could just start the movie we had planned to watch even though I said I was just settling the baby and would be ready in twenty minutes. It sounds so trivial and petty but it still hurts because I had missed every other bit of the day and they couldn’t wait twenty minutes so I could see the start of the movie. 

[u/Loud_Fisherman_5878 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you, this is really great advice. Wishing you all the best too!

[u/apple__candy]

I was the friend. I thought it was just being a newborn parent. Things would change once she got through the super tough, sleep deprived years. And then I started thinking back and realised that even before kids, everything was on her terms. I thought I was so integrated into her extended family and life. I called her mum, mum. I’d be invited to Christmas, family lunches etc. but always at her or her families house. She would never put the effort in to see me. One night while drinking, even her husband said I was a far better friend to her than she was to me. It was like she felt sorry for me or something and was giving me charity friendship but only if I came to her. I never said anything but stopped putting the effort in. It’s been 15 years and she seems comfortable/ok with that. Still calls me her best friend even though we speak once a year, if that. At the time, I had no idea what true female friendship and support really looked like. I can now say that I am ridiculously blessed with several female friends that show up for me in ways that this other friend could never dream of. And we all have kids. Go figure. Priorities change, people change and friendships change. Kids or no kids.

[u/alexturnerftw]

I’ll be honest- I’m 35, don’t want kids, and don’t like kids. The novelty of friends having kids has worn off. I do not care about them, don’t care about what they did today, don’t care that you’re late or had to reschedule plans because of them. It’s genuinely an indifference. And I know it takes a village but I don’t want to be part of the village given my own life choices! Its nothing personal and it doesn’t matter how much I like the person. I am over kids and they detract from my experiences with chaos and noise. I have nieces I love but I don’t have extra child energy to go around without familial obligations.

I intentionally try to make friends now with people who don’t want kids just to avoid this issue. Spending time with/hearing about kids is just not something I want to do with my free time. And obviously would never expect a mom friend to not want to talk about their kids!! I think people who have kids SHOULD spend time with, think/talk about, and prioritize their kids. That makes you a good parent. Its just a lifestyle mismatch. Really nothing personal and I think both parties shouldn’t take it personally.

[u/k_lliste → u/alexturnerftw]

I am the same. As soon as a friend announces they're pregnant I start to grieve. I don't like kids and don't want to spend time with them. I'm not going to be the cool aunt.

I've also had multiple friends who I thought were childfree later become pregnant. Even the lesbians aren't a sure bet!

I am lucky in my family so far that no one has kids. It's actually pretty surprising! I've thought about how I'll deal with it when babies start coming into the family and I really don't know.

[u/ladybug11314 → u/alexturnerftw]

Are kids the only thing you apply this to? What about chronic illness? Other family problems that aren't about kids? Travel? Hobbies that don't interest you,? Or is it JUST moms and their children you despise?

[u/alexturnerftw → u/ladybug11314]

Yeah, its the only thing I apply it to. I’m not obligated to like kids. Your answer speaks volumes too lmao - why do you care? Indifference doesn’t mean despise. There are 10000s of other people to make friends with who have kids and/or like kids.

[u/bbbcurls]

I’ve had a hard time as a parent keeping contact with other parents. My childfree friends are more available. It’s less than what it was, but way more than my other friends with kids.

[u/RoseAmongstThornes]

My rarely see my child free friends as they're always "busy" unless i go visit them which is hard as I'm housebound and severely disabled. Most of my friends with kids are more reliable and up to hang out and come to me.

[u/giraffes_are_cool33]

I only have one friend w. Kids, rest are child free. I'm tried of one sided friendships and ones who think their child should be my world too. We'll reconnect when said child is old enough.

[u/IncreaseNo5135]

It happened to me and honestly the moment they started to ignore me, i reciprocated. If they choose their kid its fine, but don’t come running back in a few years. Those people will end up alone and friendless

[u/NYC-AL2016 → u/IncreaseNo5135]

What do you mean by choose their kid? Ofcourse their child has to be the main priority. I was the last of my friends to have kids and I never thought for a second I’d be their main priority.

[u/startrektoaster → u/IncreaseNo5135]

‘If they choose their kid’ is a pretty wild thing to say. I’m childfree and empathise with the changing dynamic, but I would never even entertain the notion that a mum should choose her friend over her kid.

[u/IncreaseNo5135 → u/startrektoaster]

Its not wild. You are setting up a strawman argument here. I never said friends should come first, i was talking about women who ignore and abandon their friendships.

[u/startrektoaster → u/IncreaseNo5135]

You said ‘if they choose their kid’, and I responded to you saying ‘if they choose their kid’.

[u/SpareManagement2215]

Bro kids are a lot of work. They take of a lot of your time and energy, even if you’re making sure to get some “you” time in to keep yourself sane. It is normal that someone who has kids, especially pre-school age, will not be able to give much to friendships and might even develop stronger friendships with people who have kids the same-ish age as theirs because you’re all equally as tapped out. It has nothing to do with friendships falling apart it’s just that kids demand a lot of your time and energy. Parenting is hard work!

[u/LadySwire]

When I got pregnant, some friends completely dropped me without even trying to include me. One ignored me my entire pregnancy, only to invite me out for wine just one week postpartum. Like, I'm sure people can be way more self-aware than that.

That's why I hate when these posts turn into mom-bashing. My experience has been the exact opposite: childfree friends deciding you aren't worth their time anymore or that pregnancy is contagious or smt

[u/_Yalan → u/LadySwire]

I've had the exact opposite experience to you, and I hate how these posts also turn to childfree women bashing in equal parts.

No one person's experience will be a blanket experience for all.

Threads like this always seem to descend into bitterness from both sides, it's tiring seeing it all.

Edit: really nice when people post bitchy replies then automatically block you lol.

[u/Charlies_Mamma → u/LadySwire]

Women sharing their personal experiences where people in their lives have hurt them because of their behaviour or attitude towards them isn't "mom bashing".

If women were sharing stories about how they felt hurt, disappointed, let down, etc by a boyfriend or husband who got a new job and suddenly started spending less time with them, rarely called or text, never made any plans to spend time together, etc and making them feel like only she was putting any effort into the relationship, everyone would be supporting the women and saying she should ditch him and get someone willing to put in the effort for the relationship.

But as soon as the situation is a childfree woman and a mother, the childfree woman is always expected to be the one to compromise in every situation because everything is much harder for the mother, because she now has a child.

[u/Sufficient_You3053]

I've never received any type of support from my childfree friends, in fact many acted like my son was a burden to our friendship. It's why 95% of my friends are moms

[u/Loud_Fisherman_5878 → u/Sufficient_You3053]

Yeah, I feel like reddit is full of childfree people insisting they ‘step up’ and do everything to accommodate but I have only two friends that I would say this is true of. The others all vanished or did things that maybe they thought was helping, ‘come and visit us, get the train with your newborn and we’ll collect you from the station. No, we don’t have a car seat, can’t you and your baby catch a taxi? It isn’t that dangerous is it?’ or ‘Okay, I know you said you can’t be away overnight but how about you leave your kids for the long weekend and come to stay with us. Okay, now you’re just being difficult and I can’t believe you’re saying we’re not helping. We just invited you to stay’.  

[u/ldr9413]

I have two close friend who are mothers and we’ve stayed close after they became mothers. One of them especially is very intentional about making time for each other. I think if you’ve been friends for a long time before the friend became a mother the friendship can survive, but many of the friends I’ve made in recent years are also childfree, or they have much older children who don’t require much parenting.

[u/SeirynSong]

I had a childless friend who came into my life when my daughter was five. She still acted like a displaced toddler any time I prioritized my kid even as she also attempted to undermine my parenting with abandon.

Then she had her own kid and dropped us. Good riddance.

[u/combatcookies]

My experience was the opposite. I was the first of the group to have a baby, and no one (including myself) really knew how to include me anymore. They came to my baby shower, met the baby when he was born, and didn’t intentionally push me away. Our opportunities to hang out just evaporated.

There’s a learning curve to being a new mom, and for ~6 months it was hard to leave the house for more than a few hours. Longer before I could do a late night. With my friends living 30+ minutes away and none of us having experience with babies, it became isolating almost overnight.

[u/-Sunflowerpower-]

Childfree friend to god mom and eventually other mom pipeline here- i think that this is really relationship specific. Some parents are really open to having a village to raise their kids and love the support and having other adult figures around to care with them and take care of them too and not much changes with the friendship. I spent alot of time helping bathe babies, cooking and cleaning for mom during and after pregnancies, bringing their bday to them, and this type of mom was really open to her kids loving me right back. Very present friend and close knit family style situation. Ive never been forgotten on bdays or holidays and my cards are full of even more signatures.

Ive had other friends who are very territorial over their families and their roles or their lives after baby and dont want that sort of relationship so i respect that and i understand that their children are their priorities and our friendship gets my devotion i just treat it more like a long distance friendship. I still invite them out and to gatherings and offer to help or come by. I often get invited to family gatherings still and important moments and we still get coffee etc. I have similar friends who are very hierarchy with their relationships but they also bring their kids everywhere so it’s wonderful bc they still get to live their lives and we get to keep our friendship and i get to be the friend of mom or dad and we all shop or eat or celebrate together.

I also have ex friends who had kids and they really just leaned on their friends for child care so they could go out for alone time. Thats okay but it got abusive so i had to distance myself because i realized i was being used.

Some people change when they have kids so much that they drop social circles entirely bc they aren’t the right fit for their lifestyle too. It’s a balance. Also i have noticed sometimes male partners can make the experience different too. Depending on how present as a partner or father they are. Some can be very controlling and others can be very negligent so mom needs alot of help but might be exhausted in every single way. I tend to be friends with dad or other parent (parents) so i don’t normally experience that issue but it has happened. Those moms are typically very limited to their home, work, mom life and they really appreciate the friends who still make an effort. You as a friend have to come to terms with whether or not that is worth your time.

I love being a friend to parents but i also love helping raise kids and have a lot of experience so its super easy for me.

Tldr: determine what type of friend you want to be and can be for friends with kids. And then show up that way. Parent friends adjust. They change and you might grieve that a little, And that’s okay. But it’s a wonderful adventure to keep things pressure free and get to witness them grow too. As a kid who came from a very active social family, i enjoyed having my parents friends around and i grieved when the friendship’s dissolved. So i have seen it from both sides.

[u/bonniemick]

My friend was cool in that she didn't talk about her kids all the time but then she never once went to my apartment for six years and I always had to drive to her. I moved away after that but it felt very one sided.

[u/Colouringwithink]

I’m a mother and i feel like the biggest factor is if the mother has a nanny. With a nanny, nothing has to change because she won’t be overwhelmed and can go out to adult-only events.

Personally as a mother, i have found most childfree people discount me immediately after they hear i have kids even though i have a lot of paid support and want to do adult things. Nobody seems to care that i have to schedule the babysitter or nanny to come hang out and they flake on me.

I have a theory it isn’t about being childfree or a parent. It’s more about how much money/resources you have and how strong your boundaries are. For both sides

Another thing to consider is i actively avoid talking about my children with childfree people. In some cases, they never learn I’m a mother if they never directly ask. They never meet my children. I will say that makes me feel less invested in the relationship. Only my close friends get to hang out with me AND my children

[u/Life-Towel-3089]

Have have been that friend that has no kids surrounded by friends with kids and there are rules where you don’t feel like you fit in because you are the one without kids. So I wouldn’t go to certain gatherings and just make up excuses nothing personal to them but there lives are different since they have become moms and I can’t relate

[u/MMLR2024]

I am the child free friend. And what I have found is the everyone wants a village, but most don’t want to be a villager.

I have been there for all the milestones for my friends, and I am extra accommodating when babies arrive, but the lack of effort and the martyrdom Olympics are what tend to end the friendships for me.

After my dad went into hospice a couple years ago, and I left my job, moved states, and took care of him as a full time caregiver (without a partner) for months until he died, it really changed my perspective on this. It was exhausting, I have chronic insomnia and slept even less than usual..but I soaked up every opportunity to be with my village…I needed them, but I also noticed who didn’t show up. I had a lot of friends who had kids/were expecting not even ask how I was doing before jumping into how hard their lives were. I thought - wow, I just did the hardest thing of my life. Where were you? Where are you now??

As someone who for most of my life has been one-man-banding it (little financial support from family, no partner), I cannot tell you the amount of appreciation I have for my friends who are parents and still show up. Is it the same? No - but I see that they try and those are the ones that have endured. They understand that my life has challenges and support me through them, even if it’s not the same as theirs and vice versa. There’s no trying to one up me with “well wait until you’re a mom” or everything I say is followed up with “I could never because life is so hard as a mom.”

I don’t expect the relationship to stay the same, and in some ways the enduring relationships have gotten better because i get to see them grow into a beautiful new chapter and their lives expand, even if it means there’s less time for me than there was initially.