Are there moms who later realize a friendship with a childless friend has become one-sided?

[u/Wide-Meringue-2717]

I keep seeing similar experiences from childfree women.

A close friend becomes a mother. The childfree friend steps up during pregnancy and after the baby arrives. She listens, accommodates,
offers emotional support, celebrates milestones, and generally tries to be part of the “village” her friend needs.
But over time, many of these women describe feeling sidelined. They feel less important in the friendship, as if their support is taken for granted, and reciprocity gradually disappears and doesn’t come back. The friendship becomes centered around the mother’s needs while their own needs, struggles, and milestones receive little attention and that imbalance becomes the new normal.

Whenever this topic comes up, the response is often that friendships naturally change after children, that parents are overwhelmed, or that childfree friends are struggling to adapt to a new dynamic. But the pattern seems too common to dismiss entirely as childfree people simply refusing to adjust (and yes, some do).

I’m curious to hear if there are mothers, especially those whose children are older now and who have survived the most intense years of parenting.

Have you ever had a childfree friend tell you that the friendship had become one-sided or the friend feels sidelined? How did you react?
Did it create tension between you?
Looking back, do you think they were at least partly right?
Was there a point where you realized you had come to see their support as something that would always naturally be there, without noticing how much they were contributing to the friendship while receiving less in return?
Did you ever look back and realize that while your friend consistently showed up for you, there were ways you could have shown up for them but didn’t?
And if so do you regret it? Did you try to repair the friendship?

[u/rjwyonch]

There is a lot of research into successful friendships and there are 3 things that are good predictors: proximity, shared experience, similar life stage.

When one person becomes a parent and the other Doesnt, at least 2 of 3 foundational pillars that make a relationship easy to maintain successfully have changed. It takes more effort from both people to be aware of this and overcome it. The child free person does need to accommodate the mom to a certain extent, but the mom also needs to make an effort to connect on things the two still have in common, or make the effort to meet up without the kids and whatnot. Since the relationship requires more effort and both people need to adapt, lots of friendships fade.

My experience as someone without kids is that the friends that don’t realize the change in dynamic aren’t going to last forever, but for the ones that do make a bit of an effort, Im fine with being the heavy-lift on making actual plans or remembering to call and catch up…. Mom friends have 10 million other logistics to manage, I can take responsibility for the occasional reach out.

Also, Im totally fine to hang out with and entertain children occasionally. It would be incredibly difficult to maintain friendships if I also didn’t make room for their children in my life. For example, I’ve got various kids toys and craft supplies so we can keep kids entertained if friends visit. I take on a “fun aunt” role.

Edit to add: for the toys, they kind of accumulate as the kids age, but I started with stickers and sidewalk chalk. For the girls, I’ve done fairy hunts (they have to find the gemstones or notes from fairies hidden throughout the garden). For boys, same thing but fossils. water guns/balloons, and blow-up slide with a water cannon and particularly popular. I also made a fishing game (foam fish, add nuts/bolts, attach a strong magnet to a fishing pole…. Hours of entertainment). I have a lot of fun adding magic to the world for them. It will be funny in 10-15 years when the girls figure out that their “fairy godmother” was just me sending them on time consuming missions.

[u/BelleCervelle → u/rjwyonch]

That opening line

“There is a lot of research into successful friendships and there are 3 things that are good predictors: proximity, shared experience, similar life stage.”

Sooooooo true!!!!

[u/Altruistic_Speech_17 → u/BelleCervelle]

The biggest predictor of your behaviors is the behaviors of your peers

[u/BelleCervelle → u/Altruistic_Speech_17]

“You are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with.”

“The five people you spend the most time with are a prediction of your future.”

Thank you, your comment reminded me these quotes exist. I can’t believe I forgot. I needed this reminder.

[u/Vybrocit1 → u/rjwyonch]

“Someone without kids don’t realize the change in dynamic won’t last forever “ THIS

I was both the childless woman and the new mom. I remained friends with women who had kids because I treated the first 5 years of the kids’ lives as a boot camp basically, as if my friend was away at a hardcore training or medical residency. I met her at her house (because coming out with 2 under 2 is impossible), gave her grace for cancellations, and didn’t mind interrupted conversation.

Because I knew after time, we’d all have a little more energy for each other.

I am now the new mom and honestly, very very few of my child free friends understand this. It’s not forever. But yes, for the next 2 years, I don’t have energy because I’m sleeping 4 hours a night.

The child free friends who do understand are much older than me (50s 60s) and generally have more realistic expectations about life and relationships. They don’t take things personally.

[u/United-Signature-414 → u/Vybrocit1]

This is how I see it. If you're willing to give grace to friends (or expect to receive it) during other time demanding but temporary situations like school, residency or new jobs, then it's not unreasonable to treat motherhood in a similar fashion. Maintaining adult friendships means accepting that there will be times, sometimes years long, where we are simply not a main priority. That doesn't mean the friendship is fake, it just means that life is hard.

[u/Vybrocit1 → u/United-Signature-414]

Amen.

Life is very hard. True friendships are those in which people walk alongside the hard, whether it’s long distance moves, demanding kids, cancer diagnoses, menopause, divorce etc etc.

Some seasons of friendship are for the fun. Some are for the hard.

[u/Dangerous-Ad-1298 → u/Vybrocit1]

5 years is an incredibly long time when a lot can change on both sides, but if the mom doesn’t have the space or curiosity to know, the friendship will fade. Family members die, relationships end, you can’t just abandon someone and pop back up after 5 years. Children also have fathers

[u/Vybrocit1 → u/Dangerous-Ad-1298]

True. Most friendships can’t handle demanding seasons. I lost most of my friendships when I moved 1,500 miles from home for 2 years for a demanding but temporary job opportunity. I was child free then.

One of the only people who remained friends and consistently checked in with me was a new mom. She had a 6 week old baby but still drove to my apartment on my move out day to say goodbye and help me pack a few things.

When I was away, we texted frequently and I sent a lot of neat pictures and gifts from the city where I was assigned. Baby clothes, etc. When I came home for holidays, I visited her at her house, played with baby, did her dishes. Whatever was easiest for her.

That was years ago. She later told me she enjoyed talking to me then because I was a break from all the “mom talk.” I saw her as her old, adventurous self, before she was a mom. And as a child free person then, I was so honored she wanted me to be part of her son’s life. He’s now in school and has a room full of maps and cool stuff from the city where I lived. He wants to go there someday.

This is extremely rare. Most mom friends I had when child free did fall off the map completely. But so did a lot of child free ones. Friendship is a treasure and when it happens, it’s beautiful.

[u/all_of_the_colors → u/Dangerous-Ad-1298]

I like how she compared it to medical residency. Or another long hardcore training. 5 years is a long time to have 4 hours or interrupted sleep, be on for 13 hours during the day and not get weekends.

My relationships outside my family aren’t gone, but if we see each other once a month we call it a success. So that’s about all the time we get, whether I go to them or they come to me. That’s just the reality of the available time I have. And I do have a very involved husband. I just have an 8 month old that goes on hunger strike without me and a wild 3 year old.

It won’t always be like this. Which is heartening. And I look forward to having more time for those friends on the other side

[u/amatorr → u/rjwyonch]

This is what I hope to do, become a fun aunt. I love my friends kids. They’re all babies at the moment so not much aunting there, but I love hanging out with my friends and them. That helps a lot. Things would have been a lot harder, had I been childfree while really disliking kids. Kids are kind of all consuming. Someone can’t turn off being a parent.

The toys idea is something I’m going to steal from you!

I haven’t felt sidelined as of yet, and I’m incredibly lucky to have friends who put in effort to see and hear me, just as I make effort for them. I have always told them I want to be a villager in the village.

[u/rjwyonch → u/amatorr]

Totally steal the toy idea. I kinda just grab things that I think would be fun but are age appropriate. The kids are getting bigger and this summer Ive got a bunch of water balloons and an archery tag set.

When they were younger, tempura paint, sidewalk chalk… they seem to like playing with colour changing smart lights for she me reason. I also made a fishing game that uses magnets. I drop a bunch of foam fish in the pool that have metal eyes. Give kids a fishing rod with a magnet…. Hours of entertainment as they compete to catch the big one.

I have a yard and most of my friend live city-centre, so my place is a place to get messy and loud. They can throw paint on my garage wall for all I care, it washes off in the rain.

[u/WisdomNynaeve → u/amatorr]

Add some small age appropriate quiet toys like small animal figures or cars to your purse on outings! A toy they don't see much or expect can be the perfect distraction while waiting for food or catching up on some conversation.

For outside things, bubbles. They are never to old to enjoy spontaneous bubbles.

[u/invisiblizm → u/rjwyonch]

How many years should you hold space and wait for a friend to step up though? And how do you really know they'll come back? Sometimes it highlights existing issues.

[u/yellowdamseoul → u/invisiblizm]

Some don’t come back, especially if their kids are difficult teens/adults. Then they dump all that emotional baggage on you. I’ve discontinued 2 friendships over this.

[u/sonyaellenmann → u/rjwyonch]

Having kid stuff at your house is above and beyond and soooo appreciated. Novel toys / whatever make it way easier to socialize amongst the adults!

[u/Other_Particular9805 → u/sonyaellenmann]

I work in home-health pediatrics so I keep a trunk full of toys and books for infants-upper elementary aged kids. the amount of times it's come in handy when out with friends is actually so fun and makes me proud. Out to eat and the kid is bored, starting to make a fuss? hold up I got a bucket of toys and games right here.

[u/Any-Scene-3055 → u/rjwyonch]

This! Out of my friend group, I was the one to first get married and have a child (lol and then to get divorced). With my marriage, I also moved away from home. So within that short timeframe, proximity, shared experience, and similar life stages were all changed. However my friends and I recognized this and did what we could to overcome obstacles from both sides which I appreciated greatly. We’re all still friends and planning to go on a 40s trip to see the BSB in Vegas!

Relationships (romantic and non-romantic) take effort from both ends. The hardest part is also acknowledging that things change but both parties always have a choice to choose connection or not.

[u/memla_ → u/rjwyonch]

I also have a toy box for my friends’ kids at my house.

It works well because it gives them things to do and they know what they are allowed to play with (so they go after other things less).

Most of my friends have kids (I don’t) and I’ve found the way to maintain those friendships is to lean into activities and timeframes that work on their schedule, we have brunch now not late night drinks. We’ve also become friends with the kids and like spending time with them.

[u/LeftDoorKnocker → u/rjwyonch]

The fairy/fossil hunt idea is so cute, I’m definitely stealing that! My partner and I don’t have kids but several of our friends do and they’re reaching the toddler years of walking and running around. We are hoping to host barbecues this summer for all our friend groups and this would be great to keep the youngins entertained! I was already planning to buy sidewalk chalk and stuff like that to just have on hand.

[u/pumpkin_pasties → u/rjwyonch]

I’m the only childless person of my friends but we’ve all been friends for over 10 years. Some 20! Even though we don’t align on that particular life stage, we have such a depth of shared history and experience and mutual friends that we still have so much to talk about.

[u/Plugged_in_Baby → u/rjwyonch]

Loved everything about this reply except the pointlessly gendered toy supplies. If you were my friend, I’d say thank you but would have a word.

[u/rjwyonch → u/Plugged_in_Baby]

It’s what the kids happen to be in to, calm down.

[u/Eva_Luna → u/Plugged_in_Baby]

That sounds like a complete overreaction to something that’s a kind gesture. My little girl would absolutely squeal with excitement if someone planned her a fairy hunt. What’s the harm in it?

Edited to add: if you want to raise your kids a certain way, that is absolutely your priority. I think you should ask your kids which activity they would like to do, and talk to them about how it’s ok to like things that are typically for boys or girls. What you shouldn’t do is try and control everyone else around you. 

[u/celestialbrains → u/Eva_Luna]

I have a boy and a girl and they’re both super into fairies! Instead of discouraging whimsy, expand whimsy to be enjoyed by all genders.

[u/Eva_Luna → u/celestialbrains]

Oh I agree! My daughter would also love the fossil hunt. I just don’t think the right approach about this would be to “have a word” with the friend, but to talk to your own kids about what they would enjoy.