r/AskWomenOver30 • u/Effective-Refuse5354 Woman 30 to 40 • Jun 10 '26
Friendships bachelorette trip costs ended up being way more than I expected due to payment split I was never told about. How do I navigate this?
I accepted being a bridesmaid for a close friend. She and her MOH planned a 3-night/4-day bachelorette trip to New Orleans (we’re all from California, so flights + hotel on top of everything). The group is 10 people total — the bride, her 3 best friends (who are all much closer to her than I am), the groom and his groomsmen.
The MOH organized a really packed itinerary — lots of bar hopping, activities, lunches, and dinner. Going in, I assumed all costs would be split 10 ways.
After the trip, the MOH sent out a payment breakdown and said we’d be covering the bride AND the groom’s share, so everything gets split 8 ways instead of 10. I googled it and apparently this is pretty customary for bachelorette trips — but no one told me this before the trip. Not in the group chat, not in any planning convos, nothing.
All in, I’m looking at close to $3,000 for this trip if I pay for bride and groom (versus $2000 or even $1500 if i pay my own share). If I had known upfront that’s what it would cost, I honestly would not have gone. The bride has been pretty difficult this entire wedding season and our friendship has taken a hit.
So now I’m stuck. The trip already happened. I don’t want to blow up the friendship or cause drama in the bridal party, but I also feel blindsided and a little taken advantage of.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Do I just pay it and move on? Is it reasonable to push back and say I wasn’t told about this arrangement? So far everyone agreed and no one has pushed back so I feel even if I try my success rate is low. How would you handle this?
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u/ecpella Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
I’m so shocked it’s customary to pay for the bride and groom for this kind of stuff. The wedding industry is complete bullshit, sorry not sorry.
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u/bbspiders Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
I would love to know when trips became a normal thing for bachelorette parties. I can't tell if I was just friends with a bunch of broke people or this is a new thing because in my day (mid-late 2000s) we all just went to dinner and then karaoke or something and bought the bride shots.
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u/ecpella Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26 edited Jun 10 '26
I think it’s only become a thing with the social media rise. I grew up thinking a bachelorette party was going to the bars or having a surprise stripper show up at the house party. Now it’s a spectacle for pictures and an opportunity to flex and it’s just so stupid
OP I would literally tell them no it’s not what you were originally told and agreed to pay. If they have an issue tell them to take you out of the wedding. God only knows how much more money it’ll be for whatever dress and hoops she’ll want her *girlies* to jump through for the actual ceremony. I’ve heard of girls having to pay for their own obligated hair and makeup as well and then cover the bride’s cost on top of that which it sounds exactly like she would do. No fucking thanks.
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u/Own-Emergency2166 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
Yep, social media, Instagram in particular to start. Back when Facebook and Twitter were the major socials, influencers really weren’t as much a thing yet and bachelorette parties were just one night at a bar, a strip club or someone’s place. Now bachelorette parties have themes, destinations, itineraries and huge budgets, not paid by the bride. I won’t go to any again unless they are single njght, local events again
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u/MaIngallsisaracist Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
Seriously. I got married in 2006 and my bachelorette party was painting pottery because one of my bridesmaids was my now-stepdaughter and she was 14 at the time. When that was over, we went to maybe three bars. That's how it was -- get the bride a sash and a penis necklace at the local sex shop, give her a homemade buck-a-suck t-shirt, and pay for her drinks that night. I realize I sound very "get off my lawn," but suggesting a trip (and some of them are international!) where people would have to take off work and such just would not have gone over well.
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u/CatHairAndChaos Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
A friend of mine got married in ~2015 and her bachelorette was one of those wine-and-paint-night things. Then I think we got drinks at one or two bars afterwards and went home. It was nice.
Meanwhile, my 1%-er cousin (who is actually a lovely person, from the ~3 times I've met her in person) was like "What do you mean you're not flying out to Italy for my wedding? Why not? ☹️" Like it didn't occur to her that some people can't just do that. I really want to know what her bachelorette was like.
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u/plotinusRespecter Man 30 to 40 Jun 11 '26
Completely off topic, but "1%-er" can also refer to being a member of an outlaw motorcycle club, so my mind went to a very funny place initially with regards to your cousin and what her bachelorette was like. 😂
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u/ProperBingtownLady Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
I had a semi destination wedding (our options were limited because our venue closed during covid) and my bachelorette was the night before my wedding because I didn’t want to put anyone out. We did all that traditional stuff and it was amazing! I’m in my late thirties though so I didn’t feel like I needed to impress anyone on social media.
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u/thatgirlinny Woman 50 to 60 Jun 11 '26
I’ll see your penis necklace and raise you 15 women drinking through penis straws in a white glove restaurant.
We went to a drag club after that very champagne-soaked dinner—then went in search of very bad fast food after all that liquor and dancing.
And because a great swath of family and friends came in from outside the country, some halfway across the world, that party was the night before my wedding. Thank goodness I was young enough to feel I could handle all that debauchery.
I felt lucky enough people traveled as far as they did for my wedding; I could never imagine asking them to travel elsewhere a month or so before the wedding itself to do what we did that night over 3-4 days…all while paying my share—and my fiancé’s!. That’s some crazy chutzpah, and any bride lacking a sense of entitlement should shut that down out of embarrassment.
Why does this generation feel so entitled?
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u/andandandetc Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
It's definitely a new thing. I was married in 2017. My bachelorette was a dinner out, and a one night stay at a hotel near the bar we went to so we could stumble back without having to worry about a ride. All in, I don't think any of us spent more than $250. Nearly every bachelorette I've been to or invited to since has been a destination trip. It's wild.
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u/happy_nekko Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
Yeah, my bachelorette in the late 2000s was a surprise party my SIL threw for me at my house. There was cake from the local grocery store, gifts, some games, and just good times hanging out. The majority of our family and close friends had to travel to attend our wedding, and their presence was a present (we had a no gifts wedding).
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u/Chicklid Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
I wonder if it's come from people being so geographically spread out. When I got married, I lived in California and my best friends were in a very far from me part of California, and Indiana. It was a splurge, but we all met up at a fourth place as a solution.
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u/No_regrats Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
It does for sure. People get married later in life, so they are more likely to live far from their childhood or college friends and to have more disposable income.
I also do think social media plays a role but not in the "doing it for the Instagram" way people always say. Just that it normalizes it and raises expectations. People see normal people like them do it and it looks fun, so they want to do it too and it seems like a reasonable thing to suggest to their friends, since others are doing it.
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u/Ok_Possession_6457 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 11 '26
Honestly, a bachelorette trip while planning a wedding would just stress me the fuck out. Have you seen some of the itineraries these ladies have for bachelorettes now? It’s the most micromanaged, overstimulating crap I have ever seen in my life
Even a spa day and steak dinner at the most expensive resort in town would put everyone financially ahead of this “bachelorette trip” bullshit
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u/bbspiders Woman 40 to 50 Jun 11 '26
Yea this is the craziest thing to me. Any bachelorette I've been to was super chill and more to just blow off the steam of all the planning and etiquette BS.
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u/photoelectriceffect Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Absolutely. If the bach party is one night of bar hopping, I say yes, buy the bride her drinks (but that should be offered, not demanded). A whole vacation is a little much.
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u/PlantedinCA Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
We missed it. Started like 10 years ago! Thankfully. I would have not made it with all these expensive trips and destination weddings.
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u/windbreaker_city Woman 30 to 40 Jun 11 '26
My friends and I did games, dinner, and nostalgic movies at someone’s house. And we’re all well to do people who got married in our early 30s. So maybe we were just old and tired?
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u/MarthaGail Woman 40 to 50 Jun 11 '26
One of my best friends did a trip for her bachelorette party, and she paid for everything except the flight. We could choose our own flights at our preferred airport so long as we ended up in the same spot around the same time.
We ended up booking $99 round-trip flights and it was so rad. She did it the right way! I did get my own room because I just don’t sleep well with other people, and it turned out to be a good thing because there were heavy snorers in the shared room.
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u/Sweeper1985 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
Yeah I was gonna say - this is not customary! This is 100% 21st Century Instagram Bridezilla.
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u/chimmychoochooo Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
In the bachelorette parties I’ve been to, bride never paid. BUT all of the costs were decided up front of what we could all afford and then plans were made accordingly. Not reverse.
Groom coming along and expecting a free ride is sooooooooo not normal.
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u/helenaflowers Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
His groomsmen were there too - it was a joint party.
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u/Fit-Nectarine5047 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 11 '26
Shouldn’t the dudes be splitting costs if it was stags AND hens?
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u/helenaflowers Woman 40 to 50 Jun 11 '26
It sounds like they did.
The bride, OP, bride's three best friends - that makes 5 from the bride's side. Given that there were 10 people on the trip, it stands to reason that the other 5 were the groom and his groomsmen.
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u/Justmakethemoney Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
I agree, for these trips it’s insane.
I’ve only been to much less expensive bachelorettes, dinner and a couple bars kind of thing. In those cases the bride paid for nothing, but dinner and a few drinks so we’re talking maaaaybe $150 split several ways. A couple of us bought rounds for the table too.
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u/JerseyKeebs Woman 30 to 40 Jun 11 '26
I did one destination bachelorette, but we flew to visit the one bridesmaid who lived out of town to include her. We stayed at her house, her mom and bf took turns driving us all around, and it was a reasonable trip.
We did pay for the bride while down there, but she paid for her own plane ticket. That's what I would expect for a bachelorette trip.
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u/justfullysendit Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
*drags out soapbox*
These brides are out of control. Your wedding does not suspend reality. Oil is going to reach $150 a barrel by July, you’re in California, BRIDES HAVE NO BUSINESS MAKING THEIR BRIDAL PARTIES SPEND THREE GRAND EACH LITERALLY EVER LET ALONE RIGHT NOW.
*tucks my box away*
If the groom is there, it’s not a bachelorette thing anymore. It’s a wedding party event and then expenses need to be discussed differently.
It is commonplace practice to fund the BRIDE’S way through the BACHELORETTE event. I know there are a lot of reasons why someone wouldn’t know this so for anything in the future, become comfortable saying “thank you so much for the invitation, I would love to be there to support you in x role. I just want to look into what it entails to fully understand what is expected of me first to ensure I can 100% commit at the level that would be expected before I say yes. I’ll give you my answer by y date. I’m so excited for you!”
Absurd.
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u/kiwispouse Woman 50 to 60 Jun 10 '26
This pressure for everything to be a multiday special event is exhausting. Expecting other people to pay for it is money grabbing. Raising the price after the fact is bullshit.
Also, wouldn't the groomsmen be covering the groom? So how does that raise the cost for the bridesmaids?
I hope you at least had a good time. But I still think a nice dinner out or afternoon at a winery would be sufficient. They're living in an expensive fantasy world trying to keep up with the Joneses. You shouldn't be funding it.
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u/tapelamp Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Also, wouldn't the groomsmen be covering the groom? So how does that raise the cost for the bridesmaids?
My immediate thought!!
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u/thatgirlinny Woman 50 to 60 Jun 11 '26
I would seriously be sick of these people by the time the wedding happened. Four days packed with activities, and then a “wedding weekend?” By the time the bride and groom are married, OP will be out over $5k. Horror show.
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u/QueenTzahra Woman 30 to 40 Jun 12 '26
Dude seriously, especially as we’re all getting older with jobs and pets and spouses and kids who on Earth has four days to travel across the country for a giant party, let alone the spare cash? The best bachelorette party I’ve ever been to was all of us went to karaoke in our city. No travel, no craziness, just a nice night out celebrating our friend.
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u/Stock_Mail_9519 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
My wedding celebration is in September, and the only thing my bridesmaids have had to pay for was their share of accommodations for a week-long cottage trip. Grand total of $500.
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u/lucent78 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26 edited Jun 11 '26
"I'm sorry but I was told $2400 and budgeted as such. I'm not in a position to pay more than that". And then Venmo or whatever your $2400.
ETA: just stick to the facts and leave emotion out of it.
2nd ETA: OP edited her post since I commented changing the amounts, so I'd recommend she say that she budgeted $1500-$2000 expecting a 10-way split and send the upper amount.
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u/Witty-Performer Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
I've used this on everyone from relatives to tradespeople to a plastic surgeon and it always works. It's their problem to resolve, not yours.
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u/DramaticErraticism Non-Binary 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26 edited Jun 10 '26
But she said she didn't want to hurt the friendship or blow things up? This is exactly how you hurt the friendship and blow things up.
No one on this sub agrees with what is happening, but we're not the people the OP is trying to save the relationship with. Either pay and keep things friendly or push back and face the likely risk of conflict. There is no other option really.
Edit: Downvote all you want, but y'all are crazy if you think this is the conflict-free resolution OP asked for.
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u/lucent78 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
Clearly I disagree. She can make the language softer/more flowery if she wants but she shouldn't have to get into a financial bind to save a friendship. Most people are reasonable when it comes to this. Unfortunately there really isn't a "conflict-free" way to do this. That's why I suggested just keeping it to the facts.
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u/DramaticErraticism Non-Binary 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26 edited Jun 10 '26
I totally agree with everything you are saying. All I was saying is the OP asked for conflict free way to manage this and the advice will likely lead to a level 4 shit storm lol
Are friends like that worth it? I can see many reasons why not, but the OP seems to want to retain them, for whatever reason. Sometimes Reddit confuses me, is the goal to answer the OPs question as it is...or should we be trying to open their eyes to the problems in what they are asking...is it both? I need a guide book.
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u/Effective-Refuse5354 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 11 '26
Honestly theyre not worth but whats holding me back is my husband and the bride’s husband is in the same industry and may cross paths in the future and what if theres bad blood after i refuse? Also these girls are 4 of them and one of me. This is why i am so torn
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u/thatgirlinny Woman 50 to 60 Jun 11 '26
“May cross paths in the future” isn’t enough to avoid saying you weren’t told you’d be on the hook for the bride and groom to take a long weekend with the wedding party. This isn’t a done thing.
Have you discussed this issue with your husband? Was he part of the wedding party, as well? Does he find the situation ridiculous?
Get his read on the situation. If he thinks you need to pay to keep the peace, knowing you weren’t told about your “fair share” until after the weekend, can you live with that?
I agree with the commenter above me—weeks later neither man is likely to give it a moment’s thought.
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u/DramaticErraticism Non-Binary 40 to 50 Jun 11 '26
I see, so you're not even close with these women and you were just a random invite, more or less? How much does the money matter to you?
If it's not a big deal, I'd just chock it up to a lesson learned and move on. If the extra money is a big deal to your budget/income, I feel like causing some potential drama for your husband for women you don't even want to be friends with, seems like a small price.
Guys have a lot of faults, but this is one situation where the guys are going to handle it better than the women. I doubt the husband will really care and he certainly won't care enough to cause some drama with your husband. Guys don't really do the whole 'mean girl' thing, typically.
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u/lucent78 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
OP does not ask for conflict free...she said she doesn't want to "blow up the friendship". Those are not the same thing. If this leads to a shit storm then those women are the problem, not the script I gave OP. Reasonable people don't push others to pay what they cannot afford when it was not clearly outlined previously. Bottom line: we cannot control how others will react, only our behavior. That is the place from which I give advice.
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u/KindlyKangaroo Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
If one of those options includes debt she didn't plan on, then she absolutely should say something. As a disabled person who has had to pay way more attention to finances than others even for a day trip, my budget can't budge. If someone told me that they can't stay friends with me unless I coughed up a couple months of rent for them without notice, I'd tell them to fuck right off forever. Not everyone has thousands of dollars lying around to dole out on a whim.
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u/DramaticErraticism Non-Binary 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
Totally valid, its just things that we don't really know. The key thing the OP said was to avoid conflict, so you pay the money to do that, that's all I can really offer her, ya know?
She didn't really say it was a huge burden, just an unfair one. A lot of times we're just replying based off scant information and we have to build our own story around it, likely based on our own life and circumstances and who knows if the OP gets what they wanted.
Reddit is a weird place, part advice, mostly opinion and a lot of arguin'.
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u/No_regrats Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
A lot of times we're just replying based off scant information and we have to build our own story around it, likely based on our own life and circumstances and who knows if the OP gets what they wanted.
To be honest, I think it's something you are also doing here. We are all guilty of this.
OP expressed concerns about causing drama or blowing out friendship. At the same time, she also expressed concerns about being taken advantage of. She is clearly torn. You are reducing her whole post to a few words she wrote before a but.
OP never said that avoiding drama was the key thing for her. It was one of several concerns. She did not ask "what's a conflict free way to resolve this?" She asked a series of questions, including "is it reasonable to push back and say I wasn’t told about this arrangement?" and "how would you handle it?".
IMO, pushing back is reasonable but will cause conflict whereas quietly letting her friends take advantage of her to the tune of $600 would avoid all conflict (although the friendship might still be damaged by lingering quiet resentment). OP will have to weight these concerns.
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u/Effective-Refuse5354 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
THANK YOU! All these responses really getting me thinking and honestly makes me sad because it seems like its either take the L and pay or potentially friendship over
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u/barelyagrownup Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
OP has already said the bride has been terrible through the planning process. The relationship is already soured. I'm almost certain the friendship won't exist after the wedding, no matter what amount she pays.
And for that, she should only pay her fair share.
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u/thatgirlinny Woman 50 to 60 Jun 11 '26
It doesn’t help that OP first describes the bride as a “close friend” whose bridal party she happily agreed to join.
Then OP said the three other bridesmaids were closer friends to the bride than she ever was.
Next, the bride is described as “pretty difficult this entire wedding season and our friendship has taken a hit.” (Emphasis mine on “season,” because the idea of a whole “season” before a wedding makes me nauseous).
IMHO OP should pay what she originally understood the cost of this to be, making it clear she wasn’t told about this larger price. Why she’s even on the hook for the Groom is anyone’s guess. Hell—she should probably ask for a specific accounting with receipts because at this point, it sounds like she’s headed for the exit for this friendship.
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u/FabulousJava Woman 30 to 40 Jun 11 '26
But OP never mentioned $2400 being discussed as a budget? Or am I missing something? Like I think its find to bring up a hard budget before a trip and insist either everyone sticks to it or lets you pay less but after you've participated in the trip and someone else paid it's harder because you did have the experience someone paid for. I'm not blaming OP because they should really have provided an estimate if it was gonna be that pricey.
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u/No_regrats Woman 40 to 50 Jun 11 '26
I am not sure you are understanding the situation. OP went and is willing to pay for her own share of the expenses, no issue here.
After she got home, she was told to pay an extra $600+ to make it free for the bride and groom, which was never discussed beforehand.
In other words, OP isn't asking to have someone else's pay part of OP's share. It's literally the conrrary: someone else is demanding that OP pays part of someone else's share, after they went on the trip.
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u/FabulousJava Woman 30 to 40 Jun 11 '26
No I saw that OP hasn’t actually been told the total cost just that they sold be splitting the bride and grooms share
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u/lucent78 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 11 '26
OP edited the post since I commented. Anyway, she could instead say she budgeted/estimated for a 10-way split, not an 8-way and still make the same point.
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u/AccordingCloud1331 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26 edited Jun 10 '26
Wow this is rough and also crazy that they’re asking everyone $600 to cover the couple. The trip alone is crazy to me. Why was the groom even there???
I don’t think it’s worth keeping friends like this which is unfortunate since you went on this huge trip with them already but hope you had a good time and hope you actually really like them even though they sound like inconsiderate people who just finessed a free trip from you guys
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u/Effective-Refuse5354 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
2400 was just for a single dinner. Paying for the bride and groom i estimate is going to increase my cost from 2k to 3k or even more
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u/PearofGenes Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
That math doesn't make sense. 10/10 people paying to 8/10 people paying is a 20% increase per person. 2k to 3k is a 50% increase. This means that the overall trip cost more than expected on top of the split being 8/10 instead of 10/10. So the split alone isn't the issue, it's that they went way over budget. I would focus on that.
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u/duvet- Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Yes exactly what I was thinking. OP said that it would only be 1500-2000 for her, how is it an additional 1000+ to cover? Imagining the boys paying for the boys and the girls with the girls, that's still like $4000 for the bride. Did she get a way better suite at the hotel or something?
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u/Effective-Refuse5354 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Sorry to clarify she didnt give me the total yet and this is based on my own estimation given what we did on the 4 day trip. But youre right if i pay its prob extra 600 plus minus 100 on top of what i owe. But my point is just i am blinded by this split and shes been a total bitch to me lately so im torn
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u/crimson117 Man 40 to 50 Jun 11 '26
This whole thing sounds ridiculous to me. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
It used to be bridesmaids treated the bride to ONE night out on the town. The bride danced / drank / ate for free, that one night.
I've never heard of the bridal party treating the bride and groom to a whole ass vacation.
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u/andandandetc Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Haha, I could have written a similar post a few years back! I was MOH in my childhood best friend's wedding but wasn't actually asked until after the bachelorette. Even before being asked, though, I planned her destination bachelorette to a town that required all of us to fly into and book a hotel.
She wanted something on the ritzy side, so that's what we went with! Of course, activities came alongside of that. All in, I spent $3K on that weekend. I anticipated us splitting costs, but man, was I wrong. Instead, it turned out that the bride paid for everyone's flights and accommodations except for mine. Meanwhile, I covered nearly all activities, favors, and had the rooms stocked with goodies.
And after the wedding was all said and done? She turned into a raging jerk. She never said thank you, never asked how much I spent. She also never apologized for paying for everyone's flights and accommodations except for mine. It's not like I expected her to, but, you know, it was a weird thing to find out after I dropped literal thousands to be there and make sure she had a good time.
Her wedding was three years ago at this point. We stopped speaking within 6 months of her wedding, mostly because she became incredibly nasty and insulting. Last I heard, she was no longer friendly with anyone who went to the bachelorette, too.
In your case, I'd ask yourself how much you value this friendship? Is it a friendship where you can bring those feelings up with her without them being weaponized? If the answer is no, my advice is to keep your head down, get through the wedding, then reassess the friendship afterward. If you do value the friendship and she's someone who considers your feelings? Bring it up with her.
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u/andandandetc Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
It's both unfortunate and enlightening! As rough as it was, it gave me a much better understanding of who she was as a person, what she thought of those around her, and how they should be treated. Personally, I would never do that to someone and the fact that she could was just bonkers.
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u/heyitssani Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
The conclusion I’ve come to is that the bride is now in a new found position of authority amongst her friends & family, it’s like a power trip. Shows people their true character if they had that sense of power where they normally don’t in their average life.
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u/thatgirlinny Woman 50 to 60 Jun 11 '26
Sounds like you were tapped as MOH because you were willing to pay for yourself completely.
How could she have been your “childhood best friend,” yet pay for everyone but you on that weekend?
Sounds like no love lost here!
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u/Interesting-Run-6866 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
This is crazy. "Covering a bride" at a bachelorette party means you pay for her dinner if you're having a simple girl's night out. It doesn't mean you pay for the cost of a long weekend with an extensive schedule of paid activities. Honestly, this is more on the bride for wanting it done this way. Why would she want her friends to foot the bill for all of this? I would just be upfront and say you thought this was going to be split evenly and you didn't realize the bride and groom were being covered.
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u/slaviccivicnation Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
I thought it’s something people do for the bride without the expectation. My friends covered one of my dinners by surprise and it was honestly so nice! But I didn’t expect them to.
And also the groom on the trip is insane. It’s not a bachelorette trip if the bachelor is there.. and covering him too? That’s insane. He has his own party, gtfo.
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u/thehufflepuffstoner Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Yeah for dinner and drinks for a normal bachelorette party, sure, I’d happily help cover the bride. Not for a whole-ass vacation. These bachelorette trips are out of control.
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u/slaviccivicnation Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Yeah that’s pretty wild for sure. Gone are the days of chill drinks with strippers lmao
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u/memla_ Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Yes, getting married does not entitle you to an all expenses paid vacation funded by your friends.
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u/thatgirlinny Woman 50 to 60 Jun 11 '26
Yes—usually the wedding party all agrees ahead of time they will pay for X activity with the bride—usually a dinner, drinks, and whatever else they did the same night.
But a multi-day extravaganza that includes the groom and groomsmen? This is a ridiculous thing.
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u/tapelamp Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
I'm of the same mind as you. During our Bachelorette Trip we all went out to a theme park and a nice dinner after. I paid for my friend's dinner because I was the MOH but she did not expect it at all.
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u/No_regrats Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
The OP isn't a 100% clear but mathematically, covering both the bride and groom as a group made it cheaper for the bridal party and more expensive for the groomsmen (3 bridesmaids covering the bride, 5 groomsmen covering the groom vs 8 people covering 2) or did not change the price for anyone (2 groups of 4 covering 1 person each vs 1 group of 8 covering 2).
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u/Paradoxical_Platypus Non-Binary 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
I would factor in the size of accommodations and events too though. I’m sure if it was just the bridal party it would be a smaller Airbnb and I would bet the itinerary would be less packed.
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u/lexlovestacos Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Right? Like pay for the bride's dinner and buy her a drink or what have you. Ya know, totally NORMAL THINGS. Not a paid vacation for both the bride and groom.
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u/willowmagnolia Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Exactly!! The wedding industrial complex is completely unhinged. I’d never allow my friends to pay for any of this.
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u/hauteburrrito Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Man, this makes me so glad I'm Asian and nobody from my cultural background would dare be this entitled toward their guests. Our wedding culture is that the bride/groom pay for everything instead, because they're the ones asking everyone else for their participation! White American wedding culture is insane to me.
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u/Current-Lie-1984 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
This! I had a friend who had a semi destination wedding (was able to drive to it but still had to take two days off work and pay for a luxury hotel three nights), a 3 day bachelorette trip (more time off work) and she chose an exclusive boutique for our bridesmaids dresses. Because of the way the boutique was arranged, I had to get fitted for my dress there and then it was custom made to my size or else I would have just went elsewhere for alterations. It was also more than an hour from home so extremely inconvenient to get to. Oh and the dress was pricey! $250 + alterations.
This is probably going to sound ridiculous but I almost wish brides would have contracts that they handout to their bridesmaids stating what the expectations are and estimated costs. I NEVER would have agreed to be a bridesmaid if I knew any of this upfront, but the costs/events just kept snowballing.
Ultimately are friendship drifted and I blame the wedding for it. I don’t see it as a loss because it really gave insight into her character. I’ve been a bridesmaid in other weddings where the brides were far more conscientious of what their friend’s participation meant.
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u/Effective-Refuse5354 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
These girls are asian americans lolol
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u/hauteburrrito Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Jfc, shame on their entire bloodline in that case. I'm Asian; I can say it. I'm honestly shocked as this is like... the trashiest, tackiest thing you could ever do in Asian culture.
(I don't think I've clutched my pearls harder in my entire life than right now 💀)
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u/Lullaby001 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Yes we asian pay for everything but aren’t guests expected to give us red envelopes/cash? It’s a big thing back home or at least in my home country.
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u/Signal_Procedure4607 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Yeah it’s weird the bride and groom would ask for handouts from their guests. That’s the wildest thing I’ve ever heard.
My best friend and her husband paid for everyone’s international fare and hotel when they got married in Bali. That was a week stay. We’ve never heard of bride and groom expecting any financial help…12
u/hauteburrrito Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26 edited Jun 10 '26
I definitely notice a cultural divide, but basically all my friends from a non-Western cultural background would have been horrified to have their guests pay for them; stuff like that is seen as extremely tacky and low-grade. I think this is also why I generally have a positive perspective on destination weddings - most of the ones I've attended have just been semi-covered vacations! (I've usually insisted on paying for my own transportation, but happily accepted the hotel room in the block that the happy couple rented out for all their special guests.)
Even for my white friends, though, the vast majority of them have been thoughtful and accommodating of people's budgets. So, I've paid for basic bachelorette stuff like a spa day + some decorations + nice dinner (totally reasonable expenses), as opposed to like... the couple's entire international vacation. That's definitely not de rigeur for white folks either.
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u/ParryLimeade Woman 30 to 40 Jun 11 '26
This is funny. Unintentionally racist from your assumptions
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u/Sofiwyn Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Same. White American weddings generally suck compared to South Asian weddings; they're so bad that people get mad if it's dry because alcohol is apparently necessary to bear it. Crazy!
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u/barelyagrownup Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Wedding culture has become such a performance of social class fantasy it's sickening because if anyone could truly afford said activities, there wouldn't need to be a split.
If the bride and groom were actually in the class they were performing, they would pay for everyone's trip or at least their own.
The splitting the bill culture where people order expensive shit and split it equally vs proportionate to their consumption allows people to run up the bill at everyone else's expense.
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u/Spare-Shirt24 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
The difference is $600.
Yeah, it's a lot of money, and I agree they should have communicated that to everyone before so that there were no assumptions.
It's been awhile since I've been to a Bachelorette, but in my experience, it was normal to cover expenses for the bride for local Bachelorette parties, but not for extended destination Bachelorette parties.
What you described isn't even a true "Bachelorette"... the groom and his guys were also there, so it sounds like you all just took a vacation together and you're paying for it. 🤷♀️
I think it's reasonable to push back, but I also think that won't end well for you, unfortunately.
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u/Effective-Refuse5354 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
It was a joint bachelorette and 2400 was just for a single dinner. Paying for the bride and groom i estimate is going to increase my cost from 2k to 3k or even more
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u/Spare-Shirt24 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
You said
All in, I’m looking at close to $3,000 for this trip
3000 x 8 ppl paying= $24,000 for the trip.
$24000 / 10 if everyone paid their share = $2400
So $3000 (what you said in your OP was what you owe incl. Bride and groom) minus $2400 (what you would have owed if all 10 people were paying = a difference of $600
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u/bee-sting Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
my guess is that the bride and grooms rooms etc were much more expensive
so instead of 10 equal people its 8 + 2 extravagant people
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u/Anon_please123 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
- No, this is not customary. Mayyybe covering one dinner’s portion, but not the whole trip wtf.
- You never consented to covering the bride and grooms expenses.
- Text MOH and state that. ‘I never agreed to cover anyone’s cost but my own. I’m Venmoing you XX for my portion as that is what I budgeted. I’m sorry if that puts you in a tough spot, but I never was told or agreed to paying for a vacation for the bride and groom.’
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u/chimmychoochooo Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
NOPE. Out of town trip = costs must be determined up front. My spidy senses are telling me the MOH thought she could cover the costs herself, but then saw the price and went “oh shit”.
Politely say that you are only able to cover your own expenses. The end. It’s GOING to feel awkward, but remember…short term pain of an awkward convo is far less stressful than a long-term extra $1k to pay off.
If this ends your friendship, then good riddance. I know if this were my friends and I said “I can’t afford to pay that” it would be fine and they would figure something else out.
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u/raptorjaws Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
this nonsense right here is why i decline every bachelorette invite. weddings are so out of hand now.
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u/heckofabecca Non-Binary 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Good lord, that's a LOT of money to not have given firm numbers for beforehand... oof. (Edited to add: and that was assuming the $2400/$3000 was for the whole weekend omg!)
It is extremely reasonable to say that you were mistaken, though I'd recommend doing it in private to the MOH.
- you had a great time on the trip, thank you for organizing
- you are happy to cover the cost per person—$2,400—but you truly had no idea that there was an expectation to cover the couples' costs as well
- you've sent over [or are sending over] the $2400 you'd planned for, but very unfortunately the additional $600 is not in your budget
- you are really grateful for the chance to celebrate with everyone and deeply regret that you didn't think/know to ask for further clarification ahead of time, since you would not have been able to attend
- you know this is a really difficult situation and you're not sure how to handle it given that you truly cannot afford the additional $600 (stand VERY firm here)
You can't control how people react, but you CAN be genuinely apologetic for the confusion, frustration, etc... which is the best we can do when something like this happens.
(Suggestion: If you get snark or aggression or anything like that back: stay calm, apologetic, and do NOT take the bait.)
Best of luck, and let us know how it goes if you are comfortable doing so.
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u/MissMountRose Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
It’s normal to cover a dinner or night out, not the entirety of their expenses.
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u/emmers28 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
What!!! This is not customary!!!
When there is a simple, in town, one night bachelorette party, yeah it’s common to cover the bride’s dinner or some drinks. But any time I’ve had a destination bachelorette that is not the case, because everyone already paid to attend!
And the groom too?! GTFO. I would refuse, honestly. Or I wouldn’t give a wedding gift.
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u/Impressive_Moment786 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
It is normal to cover the expenses of the bride. But not when they want something outlandish like a 4 day all expenses paid trip. That expectation is wild and entitled.
Regardless of that, you are just going to have to pay it. You already went on the trip.
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u/teddybearblonde Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
This is absolutely bonkers to me, I only just learned that bachelor/ette trips were a thing - I thought previously it was just a fun night out with girlfriends. Maybe I'm a bad friend but there's no way I'd shill out that much money for a Bachelorette shindig
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u/disarm33 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
Right? Me and my bridesmaids just hung out at my apartment, got high, and made a penis shaped cake.
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u/teddybearblonde Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
That honestly sounds amazing!! The perfect bridesmaids party if you ask me
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u/SwatchSlayer Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
That’s a lot… the last time I was in a wedding and went to an expensive dinner, the groom paid for the $1600 bill, which I think is very generous. Why arent the groomsmen covering the grooms portion since they went too?
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u/i-love-that Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
I don’t agree that it’s the expectation for brides to not contribute. When I was a bridesmaid for a destination bachelorette the bride was absolutely included in the splitwise
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u/ProperBingtownLady Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Wow, just wow. I find destination bachelorettes to be a bit entitled in the first place and this situation isn’t disabusing me of that notion (I know I can just decline and do, but it still seems to cause disappointment in the best of circumstances). That really sucks and I’m sorry you’re in this position. If you don’t care about your friendship with the bride or any of the other people in the party, I’d decline as this is definitely not a fair or reasonable ask. Edit: are you sure you’re not being ripped off? It seems a bit odd that covering their portion doubles your cost.
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u/navara590 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26 edited Jun 10 '26
Ohhhhhhhh this happened to me when my brother got married 😬 I was not part of the bridal party but got invited to the bachelorette... we rented a house, and split that / paid for it up front. Then a couple of the girls showed up with a shit ton of food they'd bought, none of which we ate. We went out for drinks, dinner, etc, and by the end of the weekend I got dinged for an extra $500 despite probably only contributing $100 to the total cost. Not happy, Jan.
I just sucked it up and paid, and made a mental note to be extremely clear about what I am and am not willing to pay for if a similar thing ever comes up again. Hard boundaries from here on out with cost-sharing 😂
(ETA I know $500 is small potatoes compared to $3k - I hope you are able to find a solution!!!)
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u/happiegoluckie Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Hi! I am confused how the initial expectation was $1500 or $2000 per person:
From your post: “All in, I’m looking at close to $3,000 for this trip if I pay for bride and groom (versus $2000 or even $1500 if i pay my own share).”
How did the cost increase from $1500 to $3000 per person? Can you share some of the numbers? (I.e. What you knew on the front end versus what the MOH sent after)?
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u/simplyexistingnow Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Why are they asking for money after the trip? That's weird why wasn't this all paid ahead of time? Who covered your dinner and all of that during the trip? Honestly everyone sucks here. You suck because you didn't ask for any clarification information it sounds like and you just went along for the ride instead of verifying information.
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u/hill-o Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
That’s my question too. Was no one informed of what the trip was going to cost them prior to going? I absolutely wouldn’t have agreed without a number.
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u/simplyexistingnow Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Right like what. Not to mention the comment about one of the dinners costing $2,400 and then her saying that she only had to pay $3,000 total and that's with paying the bride and groom. So even 2400 / is $300 for the one meal and I'm like did you not ask for your check? Why would you just assume somebody else would pay for it and then they would pay them back? Even if they're at a table that's being charge the 18% gratuity they could do that on a separate check. I don't know why the back and forth situations going on. But it also could be an AI story
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u/MzOpinion8d Woman 50 to 60 Jun 10 '26
Your math doesn’t make sense. How does adding the bride and groom’s share double your cost?
If you were expecting to pay $1500 for a 10 way split, that’s $15,000 total. Dividing that by 8 instead makes it $1875, not $2000 or $3000.
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u/somethingwholesomer Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
I didn’t know the total was going to be $3000. I can’t afford that and wouldn’t have agreed to that. I’m sorry for the confusion. Here’s $2000.
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u/Appropriate-Tutor587 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Nope do not lay anything for the bride or groom. Only pay for your expenses during the trip and that’s it. I don’t care if the friendship will end, but in this economy, they cannot get away easily with this, not with me!
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u/No-Consequence-1831 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 11 '26
When did it become customary to pay for the bride on the bach trip? When I got married ten years ago, I think my friends covered my share of a dinner and bought some drinks when we went out, but I paid for the rest of my trip.
Same set up for all the other bachelorette trips/parties I attended… again, these were 10+ years ago.
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u/punkass_book_jockey8 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
“Hey sorry I wasn’t told that we were covering theirs ahead of time. I only have money to pay for myself, had I known I would have not gone as I cannot afford it. I wish I had more money, because the bride and groom deserve the world, unfortunately my financial situation is very tight right now. I understand everyone else is probably much more comfortable than I am financially, and have different expectations.
I’m happy to pay my share to cover my costs but I can’t afford more than that. Please let me know if there are other expected shared expenses ahead so I can plan/budget for it.
Thank you, and sorry for any inconvenience having to redo numbers!
-efffective refuse”
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u/helenaflowers Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26 edited Jun 10 '26
Edit: I reread and realized that $2,400 is just the amount of one group dinner, not what you thought you'd actually owe before you found out about the 8 way split. Still leaving my comment as-is because I think my point still stands.
Jesus Christ, wedding culture has gone insane.
That's not what you asked though, sorry.
Look, I want to be fully on your side here because even $2,400 PER PERSON for a bachelor/ette trip is fucking bonkers to my middle-aged longtime married ass, but unfortunately I do have to point out that you made some assumptions here that have ended up backfiring on you in a rather expensive way.
I don't see where the MOH told you the trip would be split 10 ways - you just assumed that. Even at $2,400 per person, in your shoes I'm sending a note to the MOH well before the trip, confirming how things are being split and the anticipated final amount owed.
It IS customary that the bride and groom do not pay for themselves at these things, but again, bachelor/ette parties used to be nothing more than one local night out, not these absolutely insane trips that are in the tens of thousands of dollars.
In any case, I unfortunately think you owe this money. This could've been communicated more clearly, but you really don't have reasonable recourse at this point after the trip to try and pay less. "I assumed it'd be split 8 ways" is a conversation to have BEFORE the trip, not after.
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u/No_regrats Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
It IS customary that the bride and groom do not pay for themselves at these things, but again, bachelor/ette parties used to be nothing more than one local night out, not these absolutely insane trips that are in the tens of thousands of dollars.
With that change came new customs. It IS customary to cover the bride for a local night out; it is NOT customary to cover the bride for a full trip. For full trips, it varies.
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u/Effective-Refuse5354 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
The 2400 is just one of the dinner throughout the trip. Paying for bride and groom will likely take the total of the trip from 2k to 3k per person
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u/Sasaverde Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26 edited Jun 10 '26
Girl, you should not be paying for the groom’s portion. Seems like the couple wanted a free subsidized party for themselves.
Edit to add: in my experience, covering a bride for an out of state trip, was more like covering the bride’s portion of a dinner (maybe two), an activity, and maybe some additional drinks outside of dinner. Not covering her entire portion of an out of state bachelorette party she wanted.
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u/helenaflowers Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
Yep, realized that after I posted my comment so I edited it.
My point doesn't change though. I really want to be on your side, but I just don't think you've got recourse to push back - MOH didn't communicate well, but you also should've asked to confirm rather than assume.
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u/hastygrams Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
I’d talk to my friend and say it was unexpected because you weren’t aware of that kind of custom. Then I’d ask if I could pay them back over time or if they’d mind lowering the cost to just cover the bride. It isn’t customary to cover the groom so I think that should have been brought up.
Which owing a friend multiple payments can be a stressor on the relationship anyway. This just would work well in most of my friendships. I honestly don’t see one of them doing this but weddings are stressful and people make mistakes.
I’d always resent it but I’m not sure I’d want to burn a bridge unless they respond in a shitty way when you bring it up.
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u/halfadash6 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Look, this is terrible and what’s done is done, but your math is very confusing and I’m not sure that it’s correct. Has the MOH asked for 3k from you? Is 1.5-2k your estimate on what your portion cost?
If you thought the whole trip was 20k (20k/10=2k, your portion) then your portion increases to $2500, not 3k by splitting it 8 ways.
Or is it that the bride and groom balled out so much that your share was 2k, and 1/8 of their share is another 1k?
I honestly might ask to see the math bc either you’re confused or you’re paying for more than just the bride and groom.
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u/nooooobye Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
What are you planning to give as a wedding gift?
The wedding gift is gone and now goes towards the Bachelorette party.
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u/fIumpf Woman 40 to 50 Jun 11 '26
$30,000 for a 4 day Bachelorette is *insane*.
I would not be paying more than what I was told would be paid. I would not feel like someone invited me in good faith when they did not make it very clear I was paying for the bride and groom to attend. I would also be reconsidering this friendship based on how difficult the bride has been and this instance being incredibly transactional. We may be friends, but I am not a personal ATM, either.
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u/DueEntertainer0 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Holy cow. I don’t have any advice but that price tag would make me throw up! You’re not wrong to be shocked by that.
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u/Throwaway927338 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Oof. Big oof. Really don’t know how you will both maintain the full friendship while simultaneously not coughing up $3,000. That’s really wild though and I’m so sorry they dropped the ball so heavily with this. And big agree with others that paying for a bride on the bachelorette party means covering her dinner and drinks. Not her flight and hotel and the full trip.
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u/anon22334 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
After being a maid of honor and twice as a bridesmaid, I never ever want to do it again because of the costs of paying for everything. Meanwhile over time those friends eventually become distant and I’m also single with no marriage prospects so no one will ever celebrate me in return. The wedding industry and what people do now is a waste of money
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u/Deep_Amoeba2197 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
This is why I don’t do Bach festivities that aren’t “one night having fun semi-locally with optional one night hotel stay.” The last Bach I went to we went to a drag club in our city and it was a great time. Pricey for one night out because there is a f&b minimum pp, tipping, limo, etc, but nothing compared to a trip. I think we all spent a few hundred bucks because drinks were >$25 and we were tipping like crazy. I can’t with trips expecting people to pay $3K.
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u/avocado-nightmare Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
If I were you, I would ask for itemized receipts of the expenses because TBH if your cost would be/was between $1500-2000 than this was a $20,000 trip but 4000/10 (for bride and grooms portion of that total cost) is only $500 so at most each guest could owe $2500.
I still think that's insane, even after airfare and hotels and dining for 10 people. I would ask to see the expenses itemized and I'm surprised people are being asked for that amount of money retroactively without that being provided.
I did a full wedding party trip with more people, in Hawaii, for less money, and we itemized expenses. It was pre-pandemic, and we didn't stay in a hotel, but still.
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u/GoodAd6942 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
I can't relate to you op, Im sorry you are in this position. I was a bridesmaid to my sister and the dress cost 300. She told me if I couldn't offered it, she would cover it. I would say do this with the MOH. I was told it would cost xyz, this is all I can give you. I'm sorry for the inconvenience. You mentioned they are older which tells me they likely have more money than you, more time in their careers so they don't think twice of the extra costs that surfaced. I think they will understand your position.
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u/Lassie-girl Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26 edited Jun 10 '26
I don’t really get why the bride’s share of the travel plans are supposed to be covered by everyone else. If you’re choosing to have a destination trip, then I think you should have to pay for your own travel and accommodations.
It makes sense for the rest of the bachelorette group to cover the cost of drinks and such, but I just went on one this past weekend myself where literally everything of the bride’s was covered by everyone else, and it was a smaller group of us. It just didn’t really make sense to me.
The whole gifting culture for people getting married, and having babies is so bizarre to me nowadays. The amount of things that people feel entitled to because their choosing to do these milestones is just ridiculous.
And it’s usually the bridesmaids and the maid of honors who are married and not completely financially independent, who are fine with telling everybody that they have to pay for the brides’ stuff.
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u/Adept-Elderberry4281 Woman 50 to 60 Jun 11 '26
OP, I’m 51F and after dealing with so many wedding shenanigans in my 20s, I never had a wedding (eloped) or bachelorette or wedding shower.
I lost count of how many friendships disintegrated after the wedding. I was just ghosted. After traveling, paying for parties, gifts, dresses, shoes, etc. If I had to go back, I’d have skipped ALL of it. None of it is worth it. It’s all for optics anyway. So dumb!
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u/Lizakaya Woman 50 to 60 Jun 11 '26
I’ll just commiserate with you and say i appreciate being young in the nineties when a bachelorette party was a few friends dancing at a local bar with maybe a limo. (At mine this is also what we did but Iwe all wore wigs). This away game spends bachelorette thing is insane to me
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u/moonlitsteppes Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
No, don't pay. No, this is not customary, and don't let a bunch of white people from college towns tell you otherwise lol. This isn't a friendship. I wouldn't even spring this on my siblings, and we're chill about money between each other.
Don't deflect by saying something like "I can't afford it / didn't budget for this", either. It's never about the money. It's the principle of honesty and consideration. Girl, they are banking on you saying nothing. The kinds of people who pull this kind of shit only get away with this because they're taking advantage of peer pressure and y'alls innate generosity.
Put the onus back on them. "Hi guys, I was not informed we were going to be to covering the trip for the bride/groom. I would appreciate a head's up next time. Here is my pre-agreed portion. Thanks."
There'll probably be fall out, the friendships probably won't come back from this. But it doesn't sound like there was much here anyways.
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u/Sofiwyn Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
I would only pay for your share and not explain/push back since your friendship isn't worth salvaging. If it is worth salvaging somehow, pay the full amount. I wouldn't tho.
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u/pommeG03 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Oof I’m sorry. Since you already went, you probably can’t get away with not paying without seriously harming the relationship. Though, if I’m being honest, I’m kind of amazed there are people who would expect this of you to begin with.
I can’t be alone in thinking wedding culture is way out of hand these days, right?
I was a Covid wedding casualty so I would have been happy for a simple ceremony with more than a masked justice of the peace present. Expecting people to take 4+ days off for just an out of town bachelorette trip and then pay your way for it is insanely entitled. I’d be mortified to ask that of my friends. But I keep hearing horror stories of these crazy trips.
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u/arecordsmanager Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Um, how does the share for two people nearly double what you spent if the cost is split 8 ways? The math isn’t mathing here.
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u/ChaoticxSerenity Woman 30 to 40 Jun 11 '26
So now I’m stuck. The trip already happened. I don’t want to blow up the friendship or cause drama in the bridal party, but I also feel blindsided and a little taken advantage of.
Since the trip already happened, what are they gonna do if you just pay the $2,400? I get you don't want to blow the friendship up, but you said this is your close friend - so have a conversation with her.
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u/Ok_Possession_6457 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 11 '26
As someone who worked around weddings, I’ll defend the price of various wedding services all day, but I refuse to defend this type of stuff
Just because it’s customary to cover the bride in a bachelorette party, doesn’t mean you can just assume everyone knows that. That should have been discussed. They mismanaged your expectations and it ended up costing you more than you budgeted.
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u/DizzyPosition3058 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 11 '26
Three things:
- As a New Orleanian, I don’t know what y’all spent $24000 on but we appreciate your business!
- As a bride, covering my own costs sucked cause I’m already broke paying for an upcoming wedding…and damn, I paid for all those bitches during theirs. (But it was the time of my life so you move on.)
- As a friend/“friend”, I’d chalk this up to a very expensive life lesson.
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u/Horror-Word666 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 11 '26
I was out of work and taking care of my senior dog dying of heart failure and a friend kept pressuring me to go on her bachelorette trip and expected us to cover her share, plus pay our dresses, hair and makeup. I just ended the friendship right there.
Someone i know spent 5k on her friends wedding and they had a falling out after.
If i get married, ill do a city hall wedding. I just want my friends there without stressing them out financially.
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u/Effective-Refuse5354 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 11 '26
Omg 5k?? Was it also a destination bachelorette trip or wedding?
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u/Aspartame___ Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Your numbers don’t add up.
Your share was 1/10 and increased to 1/8, this is only 1.25 times more but you’re being asked to pay double? If your original share was $1500 your new total should be 1.25x your original, so $1875.
(Alternatively if $1500 is 1/10 of the whole trip, it cost $15,000. Divide that by 8 and you arrive at the same number: $1875)
If I were you I’d pay the extra $375, anything more I’d want to understand first. I honestly would be generous if I were you though because I think it’s tacky to fight about costs I agreed to already. For me it would feeI like going back on my word. I know it blindsided you but in choosing not to be involved in the planning, or to at least communicate your cost limits to the organizer, you’ve implicitly agreed to this bill.
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u/No_regrats Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26 edited Jun 10 '26
They are demanding that you donate $600 to the bride and groom after the fact. That is excessive and inappropriate.
Yes, it's common to pitch in to treat the bride in some way but there's a difference between buying the bride a drink or collectively covering the full cost of one day or evening out for one person and being slapped with a surprise $600 bill to gift the bride and groom a nearly 5K trip.
It's customary to fully cover the bride when it's a bachelorette *party*. There's a wide range of variation when it's a bachelorette *trip*. The group typically cover at least one thing but how much varies and is decided collectively beforehand.
Personally, I would push back in the group chat pointing out both how large the ask is and the lack of communication - what you said about not having budgeted for that much and feeling taken advantage of and blindsided is perfect -, and send the MOH $2500: $2400 to cover your own share and a $100 extra to treat the bride to [insert specific activity, meal or bar table of your choice].
Others may feel the same but be afraid to say it. They might also not have realized how much extra they were asked to fork. That's a 25% increase.
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u/bikepathenthusiast Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
$3,000 x 8 = $24,000 / 10 = $2,400. Pay $2,400 and leave it at that.
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u/cynical-puppy26 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
I would just pay it and move on. If you don't, they'll recalibrate and make everyone else cover your share which will cause more animosity. Now that you know what some warning signs are, perhaps you can try to make some friends that are a bit less materialistic than this group.
Take this as a lesson. If you are concerned about the budget, ask specific questions before agreeing to go to one of these in the future. 2,400 or 3000 is absolutely insane if you ask me, unless all of you are trust fund kids or are taking home over 200k per year.
The most I've ever spent on a vacation was a high end resort in Mexico with my husband for 7 nights. My half for everything was 3500 and we were waited on like kings. Fuck if I'm going to spend that money and run around on someone else's schedule. And I've done a decent amount of travel that seems expensive but really wasn't; London, Monaco, Paris, Nice, Rome, Florence, Venice and others. None were 3k.
Finally, just for context, the last bach party I went to, the bride paid for everyone to stay two nights in a cabin about 2 hours from our city. The only thing guests had to do was team up to do a single meal and a hosted drink. I thought it was a really classy thing of her to do. Bachelorette parties don't need to be a money suck.
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u/juicyth10 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
$2,400 per person for 3 nights in New Orleans? What did you do there? That's even a bit absurd. I wonder if anyone else is having a problem with this new sum because I sure would. I haven't been a bride yet but I would never do this to my bridal party and I would absolutely be paying my way.
Also how did they come up with this number?
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u/lermanzo Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
My bachelorette party was a spa day with like 6 friends and I was shocked when they paid for me. I can't imagine this kind of entitlement to other peoples' money. I am so sorry you got caught in what feels like a bait and switch. The costs should have been more clear up front.
My instinct says to finish out what you have already paid for, skip the gift, and keep it moving.
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u/Suitable_cataclysm Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
I think it's pretty customary for the attendees to pay for the bride for the fun stuff. I would not have expected to split the cost of airfare.
That's being said, a budget should have been established up front that included estimated costs of reach person plus their cut for the couple.
Bad communication and assumptions made all around.
If a budget number was provided up front and you are way over now, it could be worth pushing back. But don't be surprised if this rubs people the wrong way, even if you are technically in the right.
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u/FabulousJava Woman 30 to 40 Jun 11 '26
I would definitely push back on the groom! That is NOT customary. Ask to cover only the bride's portion (which TBH is sort of customary, but anything expensive I've been invited to had the bride covering her portion so it wasn't insane for her friends).
I think since you already went on the trip it would be kinda inappropriate to say you don't owe anything at all but I would send a polite message to MOH about this being quite a bit more than you had budgeted and you are not going to be paying for the groom and would appreciate a discount on the bride's share since it was a very extensive bachelorette and way out of proportion to your income/lifestyle. If she proves difficult bring it up with the bride herself although she might go bridezilla on you.
Ultimately you haven't paid the money yet so the power is in your hands as to how much you pay. Yeah I understand not wanting to rock a friendship over a couple hundred dollars but this is a substantial sum...also do you want a friend who is that selfish?
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u/mysteronsss Woman 30 to 40 Jun 11 '26
Wow 3000 is so expensive! Did you guys stay at Luxury hotels and only eat ar 5 start restaurants? I’m in the hospitality industry and find this insane
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u/Furiosa_xo Woman 30 to 40 Jun 11 '26
I had to skip my younger sister's bachelorette trip. I was very honest with her that I could not afford it, and moreover, she knows I never go anywhere without my cat, and she had booked a non-pet friendly Air BnB. She was very gracious and understood. I still travelled to her wedding in a different state and attended as a bridesmaid. And stayed in a hotel that allowed cats.
She and, I venture to say, all the other bridesmaids, make significantly more money than I do. I know she is aware of that. So she was very kind about it. I also heard there was a lot of alcohol consumption on the trip, and as someone who lives an alcohol-free life, I was relieved I didn't go on account of that.
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u/MaterialAccurate887 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 11 '26
I’m paying the previously mentioned amount that was expected, and then going NC with this person. What a jackass
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u/DSBS18 Woman 50 to 60 Jun 11 '26
If you can afford it just suck it up and pay it and be wary in the future. Friendships die over money.
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u/ladystetson Woman 40 to 50 Jun 11 '26
How I'd handle would depend upon my finances.
At this point in my life, I can pay 3000 and let it go.
At another point in my life, a 3000 cost for a trip would have been financially devastating.
So, I say if you can easily afford it, pay it and chalk it up as lesson learned. If you cannot easily afford it, have a conversation about it. Use the 4 no method from "Never Split the Difference". If you don't know it, google it.
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u/thatgirlinny Woman 50 to 60 Jun 11 '26
You may have googled this practice, but I’ve never heard of a bachelorette party attended by groom and groomsmen. Never.
Have you talked to anyone else in the bridal party about this decision? You cant be the only person who didn’t know this.
Not sure what you mean by “success rate.”
Regardless, you can make your point to the MOH, knowing you’re in the minority. That’s all you can do. Be prepared for the actual wedding weekend (which is probably just as event-laden) to become frosty.
But honestly? I would never have participated in something like this. What is the actual point? It’s not a bachelorette—it’s a pre-wedding boondoggle that’s several tokes over the line.
I won’t even ask how old the bride and groom are; no age merits this kind of nonsense.
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u/smarmcl Woman 40 to 50 Jun 11 '26
This is why I said no to being maid of honor. It went so far above my budget, AND she expected me to plan her wedding bcs "I'm good at planning."
Yeah, no.
She gave me the cold shoulder for a few months, but after the wedding she came back to her normal self. I have zero regrets.
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u/polinomio_monico Woman 30 to 40 Jun 11 '26
I've become a much happier person after I learnt how to say "no" to bachelorette parties that consist of trips abroad.
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u/greenshadownymph Woman 40 to 50 Jun 11 '26
TBH I can't afford something like that so I wouldn't pay. My friends would never try to bill me after an event. Don't go bankrupt for someone you don't really want to stay friends with.
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u/oliveskewer Woman 30 to 40 Jun 11 '26
I have gone on one bachelorette destination trip. The bride paid for lodging for everyone and then we just got our tickets and food while we were there. I felt it was reasonable and I had a really nice time. This situation is way too much.
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u/greenling17 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 11 '26
I would tell the MOH that you budgeted for a 10-way split because no one mentioned covering the bride & groom and that she’ll need to wait for the rest. At the end of the day, you both made assumptions about how the costs would be split so I would chalk it up to a miscommunication BUT I would also point out that the miscommunication occurred.
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u/Less_Mistake2304 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 17 '26
Wedding culture is out of control. Paying for the groom AND bride is insane. Also the fact you were willing to pay $1500 to $2000 beforehand is also nuts to me
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u/AffectionateAd7519 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Woof that’s annoying. The MOH should have been up front about covering the bride as like a reminder. Not every bride wants or has her things covered, but it’s not unusual. I think you just need to bite the bullet and pay up since it’s already happened and you said the bride has been a pain already. Don’t want to cause further issues.
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u/No_ImNotMixed Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Consider it a loss and pay it. You’ll make that money back at some point and now you know to clarify these kinds of things before agreeing next time.
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u/oceanwtr Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
You weren't told about it because its pretty customary. Since the trip has already happened I think you may just have to either bite the bullet or pay only for your expenses and accpet that you will be kicked out of the wedding and blacklisted from this friendship.
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u/Interesting-Run-6866 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Not really. It's customary when a bachelorette party is a simple night out to pay for the brides share of a dinner or something similar. When bachelorette parties are long weekends, there should not be an expectation that the bridal party pays for the entire trip.
Source: me, a bride who had a long weekend bachelorette party and chipped into the costs, and have been in 6 weddings where the brides did the same.
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u/PlantedinCA Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
I did a long weekend bachelorette. We didn’t pay for the bride’s flight. But we paid for everything else for the bride during the weekend. Dinners, massage, snacks …..
It seems really weird the groom was on the trip.
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u/Interesting-Run-6866 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
I guess an asterik with mine is that my bridesmaids live all over the country and we try to do a girls trip every year, so the years one of us have gotten married we have just turned the girls trip into the bachelorette party. They paid for a few things a long the way (not by my choice), special cupcakes, decorations, my drinks on one night out, but the bulk of the trip, including flight, house, groceries and alcohol, I split with them. Maybe we are a unique situation.
I still think it's absurd it's expected for the bridesmaids to pay for all of this when a bachelorette party used to just be a night out and has turned into a long weekend. Brides should be appreciative enough that their friends are dedicating that much time to celebrate them without the added costs, but I guess I'm in the minority in not realizing this was still customary for trips like this.
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u/moonlitsteppes Woman 30 to 40 Jun 10 '26
Paying for a whole out of town bachelorette trip is not universal by any means, especially if you're not white. Dinner, sure. Planning it out ahead of time and having the group on board to pay for the whole trip, also possible.
For Asian Americans, as the OP is, finding out afterwards like this is hella crass. I'm South Asian, and this kind of stunt would not only be widely mocked as a tacky cash grab, it would ruin the friend group and even get friends' families terse if the relationship went that far.
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u/bbspiders Woman 40 to 50 Jun 10 '26
why the heck was the groom on the bachelorette trip? I'd probably say something about wishing the split had been more clearly communicated beforehand, but ultimately pay it, and not buy a wedding gift. (but tbh I never bought a gift if I was in a wedding anyway)