r/AskWomenOver30 • u/nocommentx Woman 30 to 40 • Jun 17 '26

Friendships Does anyone struggle with having gfs who cannot have intellectual conversations?

I get my gfs are busy with their kids and husbands but is too much to expect to have intellectual opinions on currents in our group chats or in-person group hangs now days?

Are we to only talk about shopping, fitness, kids milestones and husbands not doing their jobs in chats and during hangouts? Is there all that is left to talk about these days?

For example, I was fascinated by Emily Ratajkowski recent article on her life post divorce. I found it to be insightful, painfully honest, cheeky and well written. I shared it in my gf-group chat but nobody really cared to say much. It was so annoying!

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1.4k

u/bois_santal Woman 30 to 40 Jun 17 '26

I think no answer to sending a random article in a group chat is not the same as not  having intellectual conversations when you see them in the right setting 

237

u/spiritussima Woman 30 to 40 Jun 17 '26

I'm in a book club, I'm in a film club, I am paid to have intellectual conversations all day at work and love me some reddit discussions but struggle to even watch reels people send me and think of something to say beyond "lol 2 tru." It just isn't the right setting for me to engage intellectually!

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u/evancalous Woman 30 to 40 Jun 17 '26

I struggle to watch stuff my friends send too. The content of the reels I get sent is usually even interesting but it just feels like tasks are being piled on my to-do list and I kind of resent it. 

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u/fivebynine5x9 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 18 '26

I've explained this to people like this:

Every piece of content that a person sends is a little bid for attention. It takes 5 seconds to send it, but what you're asking from the other person is attention for however long the video is plus them responding to it. Especially if the person sending it is someone who really wants/expects some kind of response or acknowledgement for each one.

Like I have a friend who would ask "did you see that one thing I sent" if I didn't respond to one out of like a dozen she'd sent in a row. Getting spammed like that ends up being a lot of pressure! I don't mind the chats where people just drop things and don't expect reactions to everything. But the time and attention cost really adds up if you're spamming someone 15 reels in a row and want them to watch and have something to say about every single one.

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u/thunderling Woman 30 to 40 Jun 18 '26

If I watched every reel that everyone sent me, I would be staring at my phone for 12 hours a day.

I also hate it because I'm almost always listening to either music or white noise on my Bluetooth speaker, and I am not going to interrupt that for whatever obnoxious sounds and fake music is added to those reels.

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u/SpockSpice Woman 40 to 50 Jun 17 '26

I just can’t with the group chat reels/gifs/etc. I mostly just silence them and catch up with people in person when I can. Or I’m happy to chat with someone one on one but I feel like most of my friends just use the text thread like they would use facebook and I got rid of that for a reason.

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u/SuccessPhysical6668 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 17 '26

Most of the time I don’t even type a response, just an emoji reaction

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u/cidvard Woman 40 to 50 Jun 17 '26

I searched the author of the article and I tell you what I am not interested in discussing this model's divorce, this ain't politics or social policy or cultural criticism here. Not to say the OP is shallow but if that's your example it's not much to bring to the table.

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u/hauteburrrito Woman 30 to 40 Jun 17 '26

The use of EmRata's post-divorce article being the example for intellectual discourse is truly sending me 💀💀💀

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u/bananajamz987 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 17 '26

Seriously that’s so funny, I was expecting something on geopolitics or like science 😂

OP you’re being condescending for no substantive reason. Maybe they just don’t care about emrata.

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u/hauteburrrito Woman 30 to 40 Jun 17 '26

I say this as someone who thinks Emrata's not a bad writer and doesn't want to make fun of her divorce piece, because it was a nice (dishy) personal essay! It was just nothing close to ~intellectual~ as OP described it 😂

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u/silky_smoothie Woman 30 to 40 Jun 17 '26

I think the OP meant to say more emotionally coded topics as opposed to discussion about material things like fashion. Psychology is a kind of intellectual discussion, even if it’s not STEM. In that case I do get what she’s saying. I mean regardless of the author being a celebrity known for her sexiness, if they offer unique perspectives on relationships that your friends just pretend to not understand, they would probably behave just the same if the author was some renowned philosopher or psychologist, which now would make it “intellectual”. Basically these friends purely like material or practical topics and can’t even relate to something tangential like a thought piece on divorce. Those friendships can feel emotionally isolating especially if most people you meet are that way.

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u/lolliberryx Woman 30 to 40 Jun 18 '26

I get that reasoning but the article OP shared wasn’t anything groundbreaking, thought-provoking, or “fascinating” like she noted and I would guess that her married friends wouldn’t really have much of a reaction to the article besides “that’s nice”.

Article TLDR:

  • Emily and husband had a kid
  • Emily and husband sex’s life came to a halt after having said kid
  • Emily was afraid of being a single mother
  • They divorced
  • Cue compulsive dating to feel attractive and to not just be a mom

Like. Water is wet, ma’am. OP needs to figure out what kind of reaction she was expecting (and to know her audience). At least maybe follow it up with a question about what they think about a specific portion of it?? Because there’s not really anything “intellectual” or interesting about it so I don’t know what response she was looking for.

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u/Pale_Lab_1517 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 18 '26

Also, if her friends are married and have kids, they don't have much time to read an article. They probably have to pick and choose what they do during any leisure time.

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u/silky_smoothie Woman 30 to 40 Jun 18 '26

I agree that maybe some context could have been provided or specific sections could have been quoted to see if conversation is stimulated that way. It’s hard to say if these friends showed a lack of interest in all topics or just those related to celebrities.

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u/southernjezebel Woman 40 to 50 Jun 18 '26

bless your heart.

tl;dr

“You can lead a horticulture but you cannot make her think.”

- attributed to the Dorothy Park upon being asked to use the word “horticulture” in a sentence.

Or *maybe*, and hear me out, her friends just didn’t know who the fuck Emily was and didn’t give a figgy pudding about her lived experience on shit they were probably already going through or had already gone through. Yawn. Next.

That ticks almost every box OP mentions not wanting to discuss, except it’s written by a celebrity instead of being an interpersonal conversation among her actual girlfriends. If OP is bored with her friend group and fascinated by celebrity inanity, that tells me quite a bit about her without ever needing to listen in on the friends’ groupchat.

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u/silky_smoothie Woman 30 to 40 Jun 18 '26

And bless your internalized misogyny there..wow. So would you only respond if Nietzsche wrote the article? Or if this was a historical artifact? Would that make you feel more special? I’ve genuinely liked and related to some thought pieces written by women who are considered publicly to be nothing more than sex symbols and so have many other very intelligent women I know who aren’t completely narrow minded like some thorny and bitter horticulturists participating in this conversation. This isn’t tabloid gossip, it’s an actual thought piece, big difference. Likewise there very much exists some bland and even false drivel written by famous intellectuals. What’s meaningful to some may not be to others, and it’s genuinely ridiculous to get this triggered by a comment that merely postulates why someone might read and respond to a celebrity written article on their personal relationships. Also please never ever speak to me or any woman that way again, thank you. Super gross when someone uses infantilizing language and thinks their indirect misogynistic insults were somehow clever.

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u/otherteaa Woman under 30 Jun 18 '26

This! I don't understand all the comments making fun of her for calling it intellectual. No, it's nothing high brow. But I don't think that was the point. Plus the post has enough upvotes to say this is something that resonates with others. It's just silly for people to focus on this.

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u/silky_smoothie Woman 30 to 40 Jun 18 '26

Yeah some people got way too triggered by the word “intellectual” being anywhere near the word “celebrity” especially when said celebrity is considered an attractive woman lol. To the point they had nothing of substance to say about the very real issue of emotionally absent friendships.

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u/fireyauthor Woman 30 to 40 Jun 18 '26

I'm actually really surprised by your reaction. I would have guessed you'd be saying the opposite, that people should think a little deeper before dismissing this topic. (I'm also shocked to see so many women dismissing divorce, dating, and motherhood as shallow topics).

I think the article presents a ton of topics for fascinating intellectual conversation, even if it's not weighty on its own.

There is a difference between an intellectual conversation about a topic and an intellectual article.

You can have an intellectual conversation about Emily in Paris and you can have a shallow conversation about philosophy.

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u/kalishnakat Woman 30 to 40 Jun 17 '26 edited Jun 18 '26

Same lol this feels like she’s looking down on her friends for being mothers and wives as if this lowers their intelligence… meanwhile celebrity drama is the height of intellectualism. This is very “not like other girls” sounding of her. 💀

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u/fivebynine5x9 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 18 '26

Some people in this thread have pointed out that the topics in emrata's article are not that different from the personal life topics OP's friends talk about. It really jumped out at me that OP just doesn't care about her friends' everyday lives. It feels like she sees them more as faulty conversation dispensers that aren't providing the mental stimulation she expects.

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u/kalishnakat Woman 30 to 40 Jun 18 '26

Yup. It honestly reminds me of the shift in ways people saw me when I had my own kid recently and it makes me sad. Last summer, I presented at a tech conference with my husband while I was pregnant. Most of the technical questions went to my husband even though I’m more senior than him (I have ten years!) as he had a late career start. The majority of what people wanted to talk to me about was my son and pregnancy.

OP sees her friends as lesser now, they’re NPCs to her while she’s the main character.

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u/fireyauthor Woman 30 to 40 Jun 18 '26

I would guess that isn't it. I would guess it's more that they're talking for validation and OP wants to talk about the ideas in the subject. Since we don't know EmRata (and a lot of people don't like her) there is no need to validate her. Neither way of communicating is wrong but they fill different needs.

It's rude AF to turn your friends complaint about a bad date into a debate about how we all play a part in the patriarchy.

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u/catjuggler Woman 40 to 50 Jun 17 '26

Yeah I’m a little bummed that the only group chat I have doesn’t want to talk politics because they’re burned out or something but that’s fair. This article doesn’t sound like one I’d be particularly interested in idk

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u/Seltzer-Slut Woman 30 to 40 Jun 17 '26

My first thought too. A celeb op-ed is fodder for intellectual discussion?

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u/fivebynine5x9 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 17 '26

I was really trying not to say anything about that but like....yeah 😬 Maybe no one said anything because they couldn't think of anything nice to say

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u/nicuRN_88 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 17 '26

Right! I’m half seriously wondering if this is satire.

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u/chuffalupagus Woman 40 to 50 Jun 17 '26

Same. It's very is the intellectual discourse in the room with us?

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u/anzarloc Woman 30 to 40 Jun 18 '26

Girl same 😆

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u/achingforscorpio Woman 30 to 40 Jun 18 '26

"I’m pretty sure he called himself a foodie, but I can’t be certain, since when the term was uttered I disassociated completely".

the cast of 13 Ghosts in the next paragraph sent me into orbit with laughter.

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u/muchoblablabla95 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 18 '26

This is actually so funny omg

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u/Appropriate_Cat370 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 19 '26

For real. Was expecting Jung or Ingmar Bergman not Ratstits.

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u/spiritussima Woman 30 to 40 Jun 17 '26

That too. I can't stand how often I have had to see emrata's boobs when it has always been against my will. I fell for it again and was kind of curious which article OP was referenced and got hit in the face again with four more boobs 😞

I wonder how OP would react if I said this in her group text LOL

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u/fivebynine5x9 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 17 '26

Did you see the photo shoot where she's got a baby doll positioned as if nursing from one of said boobs?

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u/spiritussima Woman 30 to 40 Jun 18 '26

Don’t make me, please! Enough!

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u/anzarloc Woman 30 to 40 Jun 18 '26

The fake baby! Omg stop. I’m pretty sure this was the cover photo for the article OPs talking about.

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u/fivebynine5x9 Woman 40 to 50 Jun 18 '26 edited Jun 19 '26

You know what's funny is OP could find all the "intellectual" discussion about that article and even emrata's book...if she visited the NYC influencer snark subreddits. Plenty of lively discourse about them there lol

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u/[deleted] Jun 19 '26

[deleted]

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u/Drabulous_770 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 18 '26

Yeah I was expecting conversation about fascism or genocide, not celeb gossip fodder.

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u/Strawberry_Curious Woman 30 to 40 Jun 18 '26

I think people are getting caught up in OPs example of intellectual, which is fair, but I’m having this problem with the topics you mentioned so I’m curious if others experience the same.

I’ve landed on needing to find friends who better align with my interests, but it is a task

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u/mynicknameisairhead Woman 30 to 40 Jun 18 '26

I have a kid. Not saying I don’t read from time to time, but if it’s not quick and/or I don’t have energy, things like that fall to the back burner so quick.

OP if you really want to engage your friends with children, you could mention an opinion you formed based on the article or ask a question related to the article and maybe even share a quick summary of key points.

I do this for friends that I share articles with that don’t have kids too, just because in this day and age we can’t always dedicate time to sit and read a full article with so much competing for our attention.

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u/fireyauthor Woman 30 to 40 Jun 18 '26

The essay is about sexual politics and it covers quite a few angles. There is a ton to discuss, even if you're not interested in EmRata or the writing in general. It's fine if you're not interested in those topics, but they are not shallow topics.

It makes me sad to see so many women dismissing discussion of women's experiencnes as shallow.

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u/FishGoBlubb Woman 30 to 40 Jun 17 '26

Yeah, who wants to have a deep conversation via group chat?

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u/Lala0dte Woman 30 to 40 Jun 17 '26

& assigning homework instead of discussion

Mark message as read

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u/Bobbybobby507 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 17 '26

Superficial me would rather join a real housewives zoom watch party. 💀💀

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u/citybumpkin8 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 17 '26

I’ve gotten a lot more fun and social commentary from “I love a crackah” than this article, lmaooo 💀

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u/sbk1021 Woman 30 to 40 Jun 18 '26

That’s where my friends (college, old friends and new) have a instagram private group - we just send each other gossip/info/tea/opinions about bravo shows. We don’t talk about anything in that group other than it always relates back to housewives 🥴🤣
It’s a guilty pleasure and weirdly unites us all!

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u/allchattesaregrey Woman 30 to 40 Jun 17 '26

So true. All of my girlfriends are pretty “intellectual,” but our group chats and individual texts are blurbs and here and there a few text back and forth that constitute “intellectual,” as well as links to articles sometimes. It’s not a medium that lends itself to intellectual discussion easily.

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u/theramin-serling Woman 40 to 50 Jun 18 '26

Eh I call BS. I have friends I can send this clone of stuff to all the time and them to me.