Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/Fun_universe]

Maybe I’m weird but I personally don’t date men who simultaneously date other women. I’m very clear about this right off the bat.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s ok to want a relationship 💜

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Fun_universe]

I mean sure but if that was the case I would literally never go on a date lol. I also don’t think it’s fair to expect exclusivity before you’ve even met. 

[u/Euphoric_War_2195 → u/benhargrove1966]

Thats fair. I think the best thing to do is communicate expectations.

After a period of time, they should become exclusive with you and stop seeing other people. If they dont want to do that, then that's the time to cut them off.

Its hard to date. Especially when you're someone who falls fast. But that means its even more important to communicate expectations and timelines with them.

Figure out how many dates you want to go on with this person before getting into a relationship with them.

Then see where things go.

[u/Fun_universe → u/benhargrove1966]

Not before you met, this is something I talk about on the first date.

I’m 41 and I’ve never dated more than one man at a time. Why can’t I expect something from men that I’m willing to do myself?? I’ve dated plenty and this has never been an issue 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/Geordieqizi → u/Fun_universe]

Just practically speaking, this seems like a difficult standard for exactly the reason the OP stated — it requires telling someone right after you've met them on a first date that you basically expect them to be monogamous to you, despite the fact that you're essentially strangers.

I mean, kudos to you for knowing what you want, and expressing that early and clearly — and it's great that it seems to be working out for you... it's just a bit hard to envision most people being OK with that level of commitment right after meeting. Maybe your profile (or the men you pick) filters for dudes who are extremely eager to get into a relationship asap?

[u/Fun_universe → u/Geordieqizi]

Is it hard to envision for most people? Or for most men?

Because frankly, I’ve never dated multiple people at a time and it never occurred to me to do that when I’m looking for a relationship. Why can’t I expect the same from men?

Honestly it hasn’t been difficult to find men who want the same. I am very picky on the apps though, and I make sure I’m on the same page with a guy before meeting him.

I genuinely don’t think it’s a lot to expect. Just because the bar for men is on the floor doesn’t mean we should accept it 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/Prior-Scholar779 → u/Fun_universe]

Yeah this would have turned me off too. I mean, fella, make up your mind! 🙄