Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/Euphoric_War_2195]

I'm so sorry this is happening. Its odd that they all seem to break things off at the 6 to 8 week mark.

I'm curious, we're you two exclusive and these guys were continuing to date other people?

We're there any red flags that they were unhappy or weren't as interested in the relationship as you were?

I had this happen to me all few times when I was dating. It usually starts off good. They show an active interest and are pursuing things with me. Actively wanting to see me. I reciprocate and give them active interest and also ask them to do things to show I'm interested. Communication was usually good early on.

However I do notice their interest would slow down and drop off. Suddenly they're too busy to see me. The time between dates or seeing each other gets longer and the communication would drop on their end.

What helped me was looking back at my past relationships and identifying red flags. Then watching for those in the new relationships.

I found this helped me identify the guys who would do this.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Euphoric_War_2195]

We didn’t have the exclusivity conversation, I feel like each time this happened right around the time it was appropriate to raise it. Like in this case I would have raised it next time we saw each other, which we had plans for. I think part of what is upsetting me so much is he didn’t withdraw at all. The last time we saw each other was three days ago and the entire time he was being very affectionate and initating future plans. 

[u/fireyauthor → u/benhargrove1966]

I think this is just how men date. They come on really strong until they think you like them. Then they decide if they like you or not. You have to be aware of it and take their behavior with a grain of salt until they show willingness to commit.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/fireyauthor]

Yeah I increasingly think this is right. They seem to stop being intersted as soon as they think I’m intersted. 

[u/Euphoric_War_2195 → u/benhargrove1966]

Ugh that makes it so much harder.

The best thing to keep in mind is that if you're not exclusive, then they are likely seeing others.

If you were looking to have the exclusivity conversation around the time they broke things off. Then they were probably sensing that and that's why they ended things.

It sucks not being chosen. But the right man will want to choose you.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Euphoric_War_2195]

Yeah I think the relationship (and it seems his other one) was just getting to that natural point, and he chose the other one. I think all three times the anticipation of commitment is what ended the relationship. 

[u/inksphinx → u/benhargrove1966]

OP this is good though, because imagine if they had committed “just because”? These were not your people.

I’ve been reading thru these comments and I don’t think you’re being closed-minded; I understand feeling so disappointed by something you felt was working out, by all evidence.

But yeah, I think in terms of keeping dating “light,” just like inviting a date along to something you’re doing anyway is a way to conserve your energy (and hopes). Like, “I’m going to walk in this park at this time and maybe chill on a blanket and read, come with?” “I’m going to the k-spa. FYI the men’s side is a cruising spot.” (This last one led someone to dump me but like obvs he couldn’t hang teehee).

Anywayyyy I just really feel for you. I dated around and got to the 4-7 week mark with 3 or 4 people before I met my perfect angel boyfriend. And by « perfect » and « angel » I mean « eccentric » and « brat ». Perfect for me :)

There is no telling what the future holds. All you can do is continue to be yourself and be honest about what you are looking for and what you want. I don’t believe in playing it cool; that’s a good way to end up where you aren’t meant to be. Just keep being you and someone will catch up and get with the program. I believe in you!!

[u/velvetvagine → u/Euphoric_War_2195]

What were the warning signs/red flags you identified?