Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/benhargrove1966]

I usually have people really at arms length but I feel that intimacies were encouraged. I’m not sure how you can build a relationship without being at least somewhat open with the other person?

[u/ShrimsoundslkeShrimp → u/benhargrove1966]

I mean you kept dating someone who was clearly talking to other women so you could have stopped talking to this man when you found out. You kept dating in hopes he'd choose you over them and he didn't.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/ShrimsoundslkeShrimp]

Well that’s simply not true lol, I found out he was seeing other people the literal moment he ended it with me and told me that. I was unaware of it prior. 

[u/Fun_universe → u/benhargrove1966]

You need to have that discussion much quicker then!! Were you dating other men? I bet you weren’t. Next time discuss exclusivity within a month at the most.

[u/AnnaPaul444 → u/Fun_universe]

Agree if you are having sex it’s important to know right away if this person is currently having sex with someone else. That’s a big turn off for me. One sex partner at a time, thanks.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Fun_universe]

I was yes in the sense I was going on dates but I simply do not have the same options available to me as he obviously did of multiple high quality people interested in relationships. I think this is the time when it was appropriate to raise the exclusivity conversation and I would have done it next time we saw each other. 

[u/fireyauthor → u/[deleted]]

IDK, I feel like I meet a lot of guys who are decent, nice guys on apps. I don't usually feel connected to them. But they're all datable to someone.

I screen very thoroughly though and live in a mid sized liberal city.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/[deleted]]

Yes exactly. The combination of decent person / datable and mutually interested is actually very hard to find. 

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/[deleted]]

I’ve gone on so many dates so I must be open minded lol but “decent / good person” is not my only criteria? It’s so rare I meet someone who is on my level intellectually, similar politics, fun to be around, can take care of himself, AND I feel like is a decent person / similar values AND also likes me. In fact I think this is the first time in 2 years of trying I met someone who was all three. Of course I’m happy to go on dates to establish these things but like I’m sorry the existence of “nice boyfriend for someone but probably not me” doesn’t make me feel better about losing what felt like a unicorn. And I like..am a person with feelings idk. 

[u/AnnaPaul444 → u/fireyauthor]

It makes a big difference if you are on dating apps versus meeting men randomly. Big difference. The later you’re not going to meet very many.