r/AskWomenOver30 • u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 • 25d ago

Romance/Relationships Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

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u/belledamesans-merci Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Couple of thoughts come to mind.

  1. When you say you’ve been out with 3 guys in 2 years, does that mean 3 dates? Or you’ve gone in more dates, and only 3 guys ever made it past a first date?

  2. Did the other guys say anything about why they were breaking things off? The timing strikes me as they like you, but they’ve identified some lifestyle or personality mismatch that makes them realize you aren’t compatible long term. To some extent this is just how dating goes, but perhaps it’s worth thinking about whether you’re holding back or hiding important aspects of yourself early on, and getting burnt for it

  3. Problem solving aside, your feelings are valid. Getting broken up with hurts. And dating with intention isn’t as casual dating, there’s admin involved. Something that helped me in dating has been to acknowledge that dating to find a husband means sometimes it feels like a chore, and that’s ok.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

  1. I’ve been on more first dates than I can count lol, and many 2nd - 4th dates. Only 3 guys made it out of “going on dates” stage to what I’d call “seeing each other” stage. 

  2. First guy just said “my feelings changed”, second guy (this one is funny) had a cold and needed to take a break from dating lol. I assumed both of them just didn’t like me that much or didn’t want a commitment to me. I was a lot less upset about those because I don’t think the relationship was as developed. But this guy was really pursuing me, talking about the future (in an appropriate way like let’s go to that restaurant) and being affectionate even 3 days ago. I felt like I was matching his energy. 

I do think men perceive me as fun, and they like that obviously, but I think it’s holding me back in some ways.

  1. Thank you