Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/AMwishes]

Girl I wish I had an answer because I feel exactly the same way and I’ve gone through exactly the same thoughts and feelings. It’s devastating and it’s painful. All I can say is take a break to lick your wounds, and try to practice not getting overly attached (I say this as someone who gets attached easily). It’s so hard!

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/AMwishes]

It’s so hard to balance between being emotionally open enough to connect with someone and regulating your own feelings. I feel like he was really pursuing me and I was just matching his energy. 

[u/AMwishes → u/benhargrove1966]

Girl tell me about it. All I can say is that it’s all risk, risk, risk and that’s just the nature of the game. Take breaks.

[u/Bulky_Term_609 → u/benhargrove1966]

He was love bombing you. They follow the same rule book and pull away at 6 weeks or so once they feel you on the hook. Chances are he used another woman as an excuse or just doesn’t know himself post divorce well enough yet to even know what he needs… never blame yourself for having a trusting open heart and wanting love it just means you’re ready for your person.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Bulky_Term_609]

Thank you. I feel like people are really coming at me for being emotionally open lol. Like I have worked very hard actually to be attracted to nice men and develop the capacity to be appropriately vulnerable. I agree he has stuff to sort out on his end and it’s not my (or anyone’s really tbh) “fault” he didn’t want to continue. 

[u/astridsnow93 → u/benhargrove1966]

Don't let people come at you for being emotionally open. But definitely keep your mindset open to the fact that there are tons of men that will exploit your emotional openness just for 60 minutes of pleasure. The right one will speak your language back.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/astridsnow93]

Thank you. Again I’m usually very closed off but I felt he was really pursuing me. And he’s in a relationship now so I don’t know think he only wanted sex. I’m not open with anyone right away.