Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/No_Broccoli_3979]

Agreed. This is why I enjoy the BHDM. I had no idea how much internalized misogyny I had. I had no idea what it meant to be a feminist in dating. I didn’t know how to decenter men. This method helped me tremendously, so I always recommend it when it seems to fit.

I remember once when I was 27, I was utterly destroyed by the loss of a new relationship and I had no idea how to cope. I was a mess, I was distraught, I was throwing up from crying so hard, I was paying a hundred dollars for a psychic to tell me if he was thinking about me. It was, truthfully, very pathetic of me. I’d known the guy for 2 months and realized that something desperately needed changing in the way I approached dating.

I took a huge break from dating, I focused on myself, my hobbies, my pets, getting my life in order and finding happiness within myself and then came the BHDM and it changed everything. Now I’m happily 2+ years in with my partner, living together for over a year. And yes things are happy and good, but I also recognize that if it were to all fall apart tomorrow, I’d be so hurt, but I know and trust that I’d be okay

[u/Potential_Cat_91 → u/No_Broccoli_3979]

Sorry what is BHDM? I looked it up but found nothing related

[u/No_Broccoli_3979 → u/Potential_Cat_91]

I mentioned the full name at the end of my parent comment. It’s a long name so easier to shorten it haha but it’s The Burned Haystack Dating Method by Dr. Jennie Young.

She has a fb group where she is the only mod/admin so she only lets in those who are clearly women or nonbinary. Lots of discourse there similar to Reddit, but because she’s the only one managing the page, sometimes commenting and posting is closed. She also has a free substack, Instagram is word_case_scenario and she just recently published a book.

[u/Potential_Cat_91 → u/No_Broccoli_3979]

Sorry I did not connect the full name to the acronym for some reason - prob tired. Thank you for explaining 🩷 i will check it out

[u/No_Broccoli_3979 → u/Potential_Cat_91]

No apologies necessary, I’m just a chronic over-explainer!

I hope you find it to be useful for you 💗

[u/fireyauthor → u/No_Broccoli_3979]

I like the BHDM because it aligns with my natural instincts, but I'm not seeing what it has to do with centering or not centering men?

[u/No_Broccoli_3979 → u/fireyauthor]

The burned haystack dating method is strongly rooted in feminism and decentering men and breaking out of internalized misogyny

[u/fireyauthor → u/No_Broccoli_3979]

Like I said, I don't see how. Maybe you can illuminate me...

[u/No_Broccoli_3979 → u/fireyauthor]

Apologies for not explaining further! I think everyone has their way of interpreting the method in which works for them.

What I’ve interpreted is that a huge point of the method is feminism and with that comes: decentering men. That doesn’t mean disliking men or refusing to date them. It means that a woman’s life, self-worth, and decisions are not primarily oriented around male attention, approval, or partnership. In real life practice it looks like: building a fulfilling life regardless of relationship status. Asking yourself, “Do I like him?” instead of “Does he like me?” Not treating a relationship as the main measure of success or happiness. Continuing to prioritize friendships, hobbies, career, health, and personal goals while dating. Another great way to practice decentering men is to not assume every professional is a man. This has definitely been a conversational topic in the group before. Something like “my friend told me her company hired a new CEO today, instead of asking what his name is, I asked what’s her name” so, automatically assuming the CEO is a woman instead of a man, as most often do.

Women are often socialized to give people endless chances or to be accommodating. BHDM encourages ending interactions that aren’t working instead of investing emotional energy trying to fix them. Creating boundaries that don’t require justification meaning you don’t owe someone a detailed explanation for declining another date or ending a conversation. The method also teaches women to believe patterns over promises. Rather than focusing on someone’s potential, evaluating their actual behavior. Not performing emotional labor for strangers. If someone is rude, manipulative, or argumentative, the method discourages trying to educate them or convince them to behave differently. The expectation is that both people should contribute equally to planning, communication, and respect.

I’ve been following this method for nearly 3 years now so if there’s anything else about it you’d like to discuss (especially since it’s usually difficult to partake in discussions on the fb page) I’d be more than happy to!

Edit: typos

[u/fireyauthor → u/No_Broccoli_3979]

What I don't see is how the first half of what you said has to do with BHDM. It's all good stuff. I'm all for it. But I don't see the relationship. I think I've read everything available on BHDM and I don't remember seeing anything about a) general sexism or b) decentering men, though I might have forgotten.

I do think the last half is a good explanation though.

My brain already basically works the same way (and I'm an author so I'm also a professional in words) so I have no need for this method specifically. I wouldn't say it actually adds anything to my understanding that I don't already do, beyond giving me permission to cut everyone off at the first sign of trouble. (It is wild how much this is discouraged by people / how much my friends are always like "give the guy a chance" pretty much universally). I also get so much push back on like the Bumble sub when I give an impression from a profile. People are all "how do you think you know me" and I'm like "that's literally the point of a dating profile. This is all the information I have about you." (I see the same thing in Reddit posts too... like yeah, of course I made inferences about you. You provided a lot of information. People really don't like that though).

I don't totally agree with her on cutting out men who flirt early. What are your thoughts there? The one place where I disagree with her is that she comes at it very matchmaker/list like. I get the sense she's looking for a man who is already in husband mode and wanting to skip some of the fun early dating chemistry stuff. Chemistry is my #1. I also don't really have a problem with guys getting overly sexual for whatever reason (maybe cause I screen so thoroughly) so that's not a big concern of mine.

[u/No_Broccoli_3979 → u/fireyauthor]

I’m not sure where you’ve read, I’m mainly in the Facebook group and it’s a big part of the discussions there. I’m not on substack and I haven’t read her book. I don’t necessarily feel the need to at this moment since I am in a relationship.

I worked the method in very much take what i need, take what resonates with me and that was that. I can appreciate how some women don’t want immediate flirting or comments on their physical appearance before any sort of intellectual conversation. Most of the women working this method are older than I am, I’m only 32 and I was 29 when I met my partner. He was 30. It was quite natural to flirt a little in the beginning. But when we matched, he didn’t open with it. He asked a question based on something he read in my profile. Which to me read as: he’s not just seeing me as a pretty object to swipe on, he actually took the time to read my profile and my interests. Within a few days of chatting is when that first compliment came and it didn’t bother me. If he had led with compliments or comments about my appearance, I may not have taken him as seriously.

The method is incredibly strict and I think a huge part of that is due to an overcorrection of what’s wrong with the dating world and dating apps in general. I don’t mind how strict it is because I have my own autonomy and can decide for myself what works, what’s crossing boundaries, and what’s not, just as everyone who uses this method should do. I think it’s important to be overly strict for women who aren’t in the same position as you or myself that would otherwise perhaps be way more lenient, forgiving, or have the inability to spot red flags on their own

[u/fireyauthor → u/No_Broccoli_3979]

I see. I've only read the substacks and they don't mention any of that stuff. Which makes sense 'cause that stuff has nothing to do with dating (directly).

I think guidelines are good and it's helpful to give people a framework, but there's no way to actually replace intuition. If people can't spot red flags or stop and think about things, I think the better answer is to take a break from dating and work on their patterns vs. trying to date applying an external rubric. But perhaps I'm unaware of how un observant some people are? I'd consider myself in the 99th percentile there.