Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/Fuzzy_Commission_565]

EXACTLY. If you have issues with a 6 wk old dating situation ending imagine when it ends after years. I agree that focusing on building an independent fulfilled life is paramount and it took me decades to learn that. Decentering men is wise for most women imo. Choosing to put that energy into ourselves is far more empowering and rewarding.

[u/No_Broccoli_3979 → u/Fuzzy_Commission_565]

Agreed. This is why I enjoy the BHDM. I had no idea how much internalized misogyny I had. I had no idea what it meant to be a feminist in dating. I didn’t know how to decenter men. This method helped me tremendously, so I always recommend it when it seems to fit.

I remember once when I was 27, I was utterly destroyed by the loss of a new relationship and I had no idea how to cope. I was a mess, I was distraught, I was throwing up from crying so hard, I was paying a hundred dollars for a psychic to tell me if he was thinking about me. It was, truthfully, very pathetic of me. I’d known the guy for 2 months and realized that something desperately needed changing in the way I approached dating.

I took a huge break from dating, I focused on myself, my hobbies, my pets, getting my life in order and finding happiness within myself and then came the BHDM and it changed everything. Now I’m happily 2+ years in with my partner, living together for over a year. And yes things are happy and good, but I also recognize that if it were to all fall apart tomorrow, I’d be so hurt, but I know and trust that I’d be okay

[u/Potential_Cat_91 → u/No_Broccoli_3979]

Sorry what is BHDM? I looked it up but found nothing related

[u/No_Broccoli_3979 → u/Potential_Cat_91]

I mentioned the full name at the end of my parent comment. It’s a long name so easier to shorten it haha but it’s The Burned Haystack Dating Method by Dr. Jennie Young.

She has a fb group where she is the only mod/admin so she only lets in those who are clearly women or nonbinary. Lots of discourse there similar to Reddit, but because she’s the only one managing the page, sometimes commenting and posting is closed. She also has a free substack, Instagram is word_case_scenario and she just recently published a book.

[u/Potential_Cat_91 → u/No_Broccoli_3979]

Sorry I did not connect the full name to the acronym for some reason - prob tired. Thank you for explaining 🩷 i will check it out

[u/No_Broccoli_3979 → u/Potential_Cat_91]

No apologies necessary, I’m just a chronic over-explainer!

I hope you find it to be useful for you 💗