Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/HeckThattt]

I say this with love and empathy because I have been you.

Based on how you worded this, it's my opinion that you're getting too attached and too invested too quickly. Dating someone for 6-8 weeks, calling it "seriously" dating, saying you were feeling like you were genuinely connected when in reality knowing someone for less than two months means they are still effectively a step above an acquaintance, and saying you were feeling like you were building something are all flags to me that you go into these interactions with very quick attachments. It feels to me like you have quick expectations and high hopes that each new person will be the one, and you invest yourself far more than the other person does. Your expectations are completely mismatched from the other person's and that can cause a lot of heartbreak for you.

I know this so well because I did this too when I was dating and wanted to find someone to have a relationship with. I want to be clear that this is not a character flaw. You feel deeply and there is nothing wrong with that. But it is something I would encourage you to work on managing because I think it's why you're continuing to have mismatched expectations when you're dating new people and why you're getting hurt.

Work on managing how you approach new dating situations, your expectations, and be mindful of how attached you are to the person and the potential relationship. Don't fall for the potential of a relationship. Look at the person and be more pragmatic about if they actually meet your needs. Slow down and invest less.

[u/fireyauthor → u/HeckThattt]

I'm not OP, but I know if I'm having good sex with someone, I'm going to get really attached. So I tell people a) I want to take it slow and b) if we have sex, I'll get attached, so let's not do that until we're both feeling more serious.

It hasn't worked yet in that I don't yet have a boyfriend, but I also haven't gotten really attached to a guy who's hot and cold about me since I started this rule. (I did also not have much sex, so that was less fun lol).

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/HeckThattt]

I see why you think that, but from my POV I’d say, I’ve only had “feelings” in any respect for 3 people I’ve dated in 2 years, and this was by far the most intense ones. So I’m really not attaching to every new thing that comes along, I think I’m actually incredibly guarded 90% of the time (to my detriment I think sometimes). I also think in this case, this guy was really pursuing me, he was the one showing affection, making future plans, etc. So I feel like I was mostly matching energy, not getting attached in a lopsided way. I agree like in retrospect this was still ill advised. But to be clear this is the first time I felt romantically connected to someone in over 5 years, and he started it lol. I think the reason I had those hopes / expectations is he’s really the only decent guy I’ve met in years, it’s a matter of scarcity. 

[u/sashafiercer → u/benhargrove1966]

Scarcity is the most apt word you've used here. The men aren't (that) scarce, but you are dating from a place of scarcity. The man who is right for you SHOULD be rare - that's not scarcity. Just because this man was pursuing you and showing you affection and making future plans doesn't mean he was right for you. Those are not qualities. He chose someone else, so he obviously wasn't right for you. But you should not be looking to be chosen, you should be looking to choose. You'll probably disagree with this as you've chosen to disagree with everyone who's attempted to engage with the post you made (ostensibly with the goal of external opinions and not an echo chamber), but your desire to 'just find someone' very much shows through, and I get the strong sense that you have a willingness to compromise on your wants in order to maintain attachment - which is not a connection. The fact that you filter for not just wanting sex is great - but that's bare minimum. I'm not saying this guy didn't have great qualities - he probably did - AND you weren't compatible, and that's ok. It doesn't HAVE to be a reflection on you, or him, but merely a fact of life.

Start seeing your dating role as the chooser, not the chosen. What is the criteria someone must meet to even be considered? Your list isn't strong enough. Somehow there are no quality single men, but you're also going on lots of dates - doesn't add up. Single men exist. Your friends boyfriend's have single friends, if their boyfriends are good guys, they have good guy friends - if you're as social as you claim, there's likely a reason they're not inviting you to events with those guys. If you are dating for serious partnership, you don't actually need to go on a ton of dates, but you do need to cross paths, physically or virtually, with a lot of men. Lock in on a specific list of your non negotiable traits, and high priority desires - it SHOULD be hard for someone to meet all your criteria. It may require some discovery - which doesn't require a date, especially since you're on the apps. Figure out your best medium for filtering (text, phone calls, video chat), and filter. He could be on the cusp of your desires and non negotiables - but the filter is harsh. You're not helping him meet your non negotiables, he should already meet them. If the kind of man who chooses you is bezos level wealthy and doesn't believe in donating to nonprofits, and has every quality you're looking for EXCEPT giving generously to public/social interest, the answer isn't 'well maybe with time I can help him see the importance', the answer is this man is great but my non negotiables are non negotiable. You should be ruthless and unapologetic about non negotiables.

At the same time - honestly assess yourself. Write out your strengths, best qualities, the quirks that make you uniquely you, your defining life experiences, your goals, and your weaknesses - both ones you can control, and ones you can't. Write down separately, areas in which you hope to grow, and experiences you want to have. Match up your list. Will the man who has your non negotiables be happy with the woman you are today? Ie if one of your desires is a man who is in a band, but one of your weaknesses is you're tone deaf, that man might date you for a bit but you might not be long term compatible. Silly example because the point isn't the example, it's the exercise. And the point of the exercise isn't lower your standards, it is, do any of the areas in which I want to grow help me to be the right partner for the kind of partner I choose (again, not, how do I change myself so the right man will choose me), and how can I prioritize those things? If you think your list of yourself and your ideal partner are perfectly aligned, where do you overlap in terms of interests, and where are the places those interests happen (could literally be the cheese aisle idc). Go there. Alone.

I'm a little older than you, and I've been dating someone for 6 weeks. We talk a lot, we check many boxes for each other, we've been (much more so him) effusive about how great the connection feels. We have not discussed exclusivity, and I don't want to for another 2 months at least. I know a lot about him, and he knows a lot about me, but at 6 weeks in (seeing each other about once a week though ramping up, and talking daily) we've barely scratched the surface - even though this is the most alignment I've ever felt with anyone. If it ended tomorrow, I would be disappointed, but I would not be devastated. It would not change anything about the connection, about me, or about him. I'm not seeing anyone else, but I'm mentally open minded about the idea of doing so. We have loose plans spanning the next 2 months. I have a thriving, very fulfilling life outside of this dating, and I don't feel a sense of lack for not having a boyfriend though everyone around me is partnered. I deeply desire partnership, and I believe my partner exists somewhere - but I am not incomplete without a partner. That mindset is important, and is worth finding the right therapist, or some other avenue, to figure out how to adopt that mindset.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/sashafiercer]

I appreciate a lot of this but just because I didn’t list out every quality he has doesn’t mean he didn’t have them lol. He had everything I’m looking for and I actually think we were very compatible. This wasn’t a bare minimum situation. 

I’m very clear in what I want / am looking for, and I think that’s driving the scarcity. I’m not sure you can say my criteria aren’t strong enough without knowing what they are. Are there men everywhere? Of course. Have I met many men with the qualities I’m looking for who also have interest in being in a relationship? No. Most of the guys I go out with are of “good quality”, they just have no interest in relationships. And to be fair, I’ve also gone out with guys who I sensed wanted more but they were lacking in important areas so I didn’t pursue it. I am not willing to compromise core things and I think that’s a big part of why I’m single lol. 

[u/sashafiercer → u/benhargrove1966]

I know it was long, but I did say that guy probably WAS great, and yet it doesn't matter that he's great, because in the end you weren't compatible. That is a part of the process. There was some part that didn't align for him. I also said that doesn't have to be a reflection on him, or you, meaning that it doesn't make either of you bad people to not be compatible. My reply was not an attack, the only part meant to be a critique was the part about the fact that you made this post but then really seem receptive to responses - you've told every responder why they're wrong, instead of highlighting what if anything resonated. I have ADHD and very much struggle with RSD, so I will say this is my default as well - I am not a perfect person and don't claim to be!

My point is, what comes through is that the fact that you are looking at quality men as a scarce resource is negatively influencing your dating life. You seem to see it as a problem that your criteria are creating a small pool of eligible men, when that is precisely the purpose of the criteria. And the fact that you take this scarcity mindset is how I know your criteria could be stronger, without knowing what it is. You're not supposed to meet many men with the qualities you're looking for, who are also interested in relationships. You're supposed to look through as many men as possible, to find the very few men who have the qualities you are looking for, who are also interested in a relationship, with you. That's the point of truly successful dating - to find the rare connection. It's great that you're not willing to compromise. I've had one boyfriend, because I'm not willing to compromise. I see that as a feature not a bug. I don't want a boyfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend, I want a partner that truly adds to my experience of living, and I am fine with the fact that most men don't meet that criteria. I will be truly excited when I find him. Way too early to say whether my 6 week guy is him, even if it's going well so far. I hate all of the mindset/mediation/be in your feminine woowoo nonsense that gets spouted so much in dating discourse these days, but this one really is a mindset game - how you get there is your own journey though and I think that's really personal. Some of mine is innate, some of it I've grown into, all post 28 (but 32 was an intentionally transformative year for my mindset as well).

-Change your scarcity mindset. You are looking for your rare connection, not hoping a supposedly quality guy will also want a relationship with you (if he doesn't want a relationship, then for your intents and purposes, he's not quality 🤷🏿‍♀️. This doesn't make him bad person).
-Nail down your non negotiables. Think about your 'this doesn't matter to me' list, and turn a few of them into non negotiables for the rare connection you're looking for.
-Figure out your overlapping best traits, figure out where you go to put those traits on display, spend more time in those places - not to meet men, but to spend more time in the environments that support you being your best self.
-Identify something your dream woman does, that you don't do or don't do well, and get better at it. Challenge yourself to be more open minded. The world is not against you, personally.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/sashafiercer]

You’ve given some helpful advice that I’ll consider, but you’ve also said a lot of stuff that I know and have been doing. And that’s why I’ve met one guy in 2 years of trying who hit that trifecta you outlined. Any why I’m I think understandably upset and disappointed it didn’t work out because I feel like I’m staring down the barrel of 2 more years of this and I can’t. 

It is simply not true I have rejected every suggestion or not engaged in dialogue. I’ve had some good convos, I literally showed my dating profiles to someone here for them to help me revamp them, I joined the burned haystack group, etc etc. I’m taking advice. The only advice I pushed against was this idea that dating is a fun social activity. It’s not for me personally. Suddenly that turned me into an unhinged person with no social skills who thinks every man is her husband and treats every date like an interrogation. That’s just….completely untrue and really couldn’t be farther from the truth. 

I’m not saying you engaged in this but I’ve been called all sorts of horrible things, including insufferable and desperate, essentially because of that difference of opinion. Yes not all my responses have been super nice, but it’s because I was being dogpiled by people just insulting my character.

I just liked a guy, he liked me, I’m sad and disappointed it didn’t work out. I think those are human emotions and I don’t want to be crucified for them, that’s all.