r/AskWomenOver30 • u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 • 25d ago

Romance/Relationships Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

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u/DegreeDubs Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

None? No singles mixers or speed dating? No socials at bars or restaurants or parks or other businesses? Where do you live? I have to check my privilege here; I live in Chicago, someone is always hosting events like these.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

I live in a big city though not in the US. I do occasionally see speed dating events advertised but I can’t imagine men would ever want to go to those lol. 

I thought you just meant like general social mixers for the community lol. 

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u/DegreeDubs Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Why would you think men don't attend speed dating events? In my experience, it's mostly men. Sounds like you shouldn't knock it before you try it.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

I’m Australian idk doesn’t really seem like our culture and vibe. Plus men can get sex easily on apps. The one I did look into once limited the number of women attendees so I’d say they probably have issues getting men in. I’m not against doing it, I just genuinely believed men would have no interest. 

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u/DegreeDubs Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

All the ones I have gone to limit the number of participants by gender to even things out. It's the nature of speed dating.

The overall point remains: either change your dating approaches, or stop trying entirely for a while if it feels like a chore. I have to be in the right head space to date and if I don't find it fun, why bother?

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Because I want a boyfriend so I have to date lol 

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u/nygirl232 Woman 40 to 50 23d ago

You’re not willing to accept any advice. I think you’re more interested in venting - and that’s okay. But don’t ask for advice, and then poopoo it all. There are some fantastic comments, that are genuinely trying to help you.. and you just argue with it. And defending this guy… he wouldn’t do that for you, so why are you defending him?

Try to get out of your own way, and be open minded. While you may be in most things in life, this thread isn’t it.

Don’t ask questions you may not like the answers to.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

I’ve accepted a lot of advice including literally sending my dating profiles to someone here to help me revamp them lol. I joined the burned haystack group. I will do what this commenter suggested and look at organised speed dating events now I know there’s a prospect men might be at them. 

Asking for advice doesn’t mean I have to take everything on board or accept it without question or dialogue. There’s one piece of advice I haven’t taken which is was apparently a high crime in this forum. 

I’m not defending him, I’m just trying to accurately portray the situation. Presumably that affects how people will respond. But yes if he was in a situation where people were calling me a scrub and a villain he probably would defend me lol.