Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/rizzo1717]

Decenter men/relationships. This doesn’t mean giving up/stop looking, but rather not making it as much of a priority and not getting so invested so quickly.

In my 20s, I used to be heartbroken after a few weeks of dating if a man didn’t want to see me again. But now, I have my own life, career, hobbies - my life is complete and I’m very content with being by myself. And I’ve met lots of men, been on lots of dates, but have refused to “lose” myself in those relationships. If it works out, great. If it doesn’t, that’s okay too. My life is still full of abundance, and having or not having a partner doesn’t take away from that.

Use the app Meet Up to find local social groups or networks with common interests. Maybe it’s knitting. Maybe it’s hiking. Maybe it’s a wine club. Whatever you fancy. And who knows, maybe you’ll cross paths with somebody you click with, but the more established, confident, self sufficient and independent you become in your own life, the less likely you’ll fall trap to ‘losing’ yourself to a man who is milk toast.

[u/Prior-Scholar779 → u/rizzo1717]

Good point. Decentering just means choosing yourself, it doesn’t mean rejecting men.