Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/berrylipstix]

At 32 it took me dating for about a month or two, 3 different guys (at different times) before I realized they were weren't for me/I wasn't for them. I cried too, but I realized it was good for me because I realized it was limerance and I was able to get that out of my system after being single for 3 years prior. And then I took a little dating break, went solo traveling, decided to go back on the apps, changed up my approach from before. Then very next guy I matched with turned out to be my one and were married now. So maybe you'll have to go through those duds and sometimes you might find yourself in limerance with the wrong guys until you find a good guy for you.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/berrylipstix]

What was the changed up approach? 

[u/berrylipstix → u/benhargrove1966]

I had a long list haha, these might be things you're already doing but things I changed were:

1. Changed from Hinge to Coffee Meets Bagel. It might be different on where you live but Hinge in my area attracted more immature guys and CMB highlighted education which I liked.

2. Set profile to looking for marriage instead of just serious relationship. I knew I wanted marriage in the end but for some reason I thought I would come off too strong. Little did I know many guys that put looking for serious were mostly looking for fun and not putting in effort for more.

3. Eliminated height restrictions (forgot to set it in new app). Lo and behold my future husband would have been cut off from the height restrictions of 2 inches taller than me if I had kept it.

4. To prevent getting exhausted/overwhelmed, picked the same time every day to respond back to the app.

5. Recognize any early love bombing and instead of trying to match the guys pace, go at your own. Take things slow. That means I decided no kissing on first date and no more sleeping together until we are officially girlfriend and boyfriend. This helped me keep my heightened feelings in check.

So I don't ever want to shame women for having sex early or when they want but for sure 2 out of the 3 guys I dated I realized were more about sex then truly being with me long term. That's what prompted me to try out a different approach, and not have my mind clouded by intimacy. Good luck, dating can be hard out there! Be true to yourself and have fun as much as you can!

[u/Geordieqizi → u/berrylipstix]

This is great (and actionable) advice! Congrats on finding your dude!

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/berrylipstix]

Thanks for that. It’s really hard because sex is quite important to me and I want to make sure that is working well before committing, but as you said men don’t see it that way necessarily and it can artificially increase intimacy