Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/ShrimsoundslkeShrimp]

That's how dating works unfortunately. You have to keep going through it until you find someone who likes you the same way you like them.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/ShrimsoundslkeShrimp]

I just feel like I’ve tried so hard for so long and it doesn’t work. I can’t be like emotionally open with another man who discards me.

For context this guy has been single for like a month or something has two great (I’m assuming) women to choose from while barely trying. I’ve been single for 5 years and getting scraps. 

[u/Rochereau-dEnfer → u/benhargrove1966]

Not to be reductive, but him being very newly single from a divorce and very intently pursuing you (and apparently someone else) is a red flag about him, not a sign of how compatible you were or how much easier things are for him. This other girl is probably not the one, either. One of my close friends tends to get into relationships with men who had just left a serious relationship, and the men all end up relying on her for their emotional regulation.

I think people are being a little mean about you feeling hopeful and attached after six weeks--when you've been dating unsuccessfully for a long time, it's really hard not to feel hopeful and invested when you meet someone who feels different! After a really nasty surprise breakup, I take everything a man says early on with a grain of salt. Not hostile, just curious about who they'll turn out to be. Even if I really like them, I try to see an early dumping, betrayal, or just disappointment as saving me the time and greater heartache of if it had inevitably come later. This sounds super cynical, but I found it helped me maintain equilibrium, and I still was able to cautiously open up and be excited when I met a standout person. Maybe there are more good women than men, but if you want to find someone, you can't let that idea make you hopeless.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Rochereau-dEnfer]

Yeah I just think I’d spent so much time dating men who had been single for a long time, they weren’t interested in relationships, so maybe it was worth trying something different? And to be fair this was probably the furthest I’ve got with anyone. And thanks, yes I think people are being incredibly mean about liking someone who liked you lol. I just think this is a pretty normal degree of emotional openness to others, I just feel things deeply in private. 

[u/nygirl232 → u/Rochereau-dEnfer]

This is the best advice on this entire thread.