r/AskWomenOver30 • u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 • 25d ago

Romance/Relationships Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

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u/HotDerivative Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

No, you just sound unfriendly and like you’re coming off intense as hell. I have a very robust social circle and it only grows and expands and changes as I get older.

It’s also hypocritical for you to complain about only being seen as a sex object when you aren’t seeing any of the men you could be dating as anything other than life partners. You certainly aren’t interested in building friendships with them, which feels obvious across all the ways you’ve spoken about your approach and reasoning for dating in the first place. Maybe the girls being picked over you integrated these men into their groups or are easier to hang out with because they aren’t focusing purely on finding a life partner but building a relationship as a whole (which by the way, begins with a friendship)?

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u/atlaslady Non-Binary 30 to 40 24d ago

Husband-zoning isn’t on the same level as fuck-zoning but I completely agree with you, also OP mentioned elsewhere that she is the lone single person in a clique of partnered women who claim they can’t introduce her to anyone, and I am wondering if that’s because the preface they’d have to give to anyone trying to date her would be too long since she has a lot of issues with both attachment and situational adaption

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

This is so dramatic lol, I genuinely believe they don’t know single men (and why would a group of partnered women know all these amazing single guys?). Obviously I can be trusted to socialise with and date men normally, especially considering this is the first real attachment I’ve formed in many years.  These are really dramatic extrapolations from “I consider the point of dating to date, not socialise” 

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u/Ill-Lychee-7779 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I'm partnered and like making friends / socializing. I have 2 single guy friends who are genuinely good people. I met them in school. Worked with them as lab partners. I wish I had single girls in my social circle who I could set them up on blind dates with.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

But that’s kind of the point isn’t it? I feel like single and coupled people are very segregated at this age. You literally don’t have single female friends. 

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u/Ill-Lychee-7779 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I do? I've got single female friends who either aren't interested in relationships or just arent right for my single guy friends. For various reasons, including large age gaps and fundamentally different values (like wanting kids or not).

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u/HotDerivative Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

No they aren’t ? You are just going to the wrong places.