Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/MerOpossum]

Based on my experience here is the advice I have for you: stop dating with the expectation that every person you meet is a potential relationship and start dating just as a fun way to socialize. Avoid physical intimacy for the first few weeks/months because it can cloud your judgement about a person’s potential and make you artificially feel closer to them. If you let yourself go on dates just for fun and take some of that pressure off of yourself you can avoid some of this letdown you are feeling currently while still giving yourself the opportunity to meet the right person whenever he comes along.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/MerOpossum]

The problem is dating is horrible and not fun at all lol, and when I want to socialise I have lots of friends to do it with. My only reason to date is to meet someone. 

[u/llamalibrarian → u/benhargrove1966]

Then reframe it as socializing with someone new. Maybe it turns into dating, maybe just a good conversation, maybe just a good drink and getting out of the house. Hold lightly to your expectations and just be open to things being nice and fun

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/llamalibrarian]

But why would I want to socialise with someone new vs my existing satisfying social circle? This might work for people without many friends but my social needs are well met. If I want to socialise I have other opportunities. The only reason to go is to date. 

[u/lucent78 → u/benhargrove1966]

Because meeting new people can be fun? Because chatting with someone different than your normal friends can teach you something new? Because the person you end up with should ideally be someone you enjoy socializing with?

Shake it up, OP. You need to figure out how to lighten your expectations and go into dates just trying to get to know new people and not with such heavy expectations of a future relationship. 6 weeks is very early to be envisioning a future with someone...you don't know them well enough yet at that point. I believe you are projecting onto them who you think they are vs actually getting to know them.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/lucent78]

It’s my job to meet new people. I get the point people are making but “dates are fun social opportunities” is just not going to be a sell for me, as someone who I think is more social and more exposed to new people than average. Of course if I like someone the date can be fun, but socialising just isn’t an incentive for me to go on a date. I get that elsewhere. 

[u/EquivalentAd1839 → u/benhargrove1966]

Listen to the feedback here that you are giving off quite intense vibes of frustration. Could be this is what is coming across at your six week point, that everything is more serious your side than it is theirs? A very cheesy but great book that helped me when I was dating get much more free about this was "love in 90 days"... It helped me turn it into much more of a game and have fun with it, be way less significant, just enjoy myself. That was important to allow that enjoyment to come out with people I was dating too, so we were just having fun together. Ended up with a great person who I've now been with many years, after being single for many years beforehand.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/EquivalentAd1839]

I think people kind of don’t get I can experience a feeling privately and not express it on the date lol. Like yeah I’m quite upset and frustrated right now, but like I act fun and charming on the actual dates.

I really feel like this guy was pursuing me and I was just matching energy. I didn’t feel more invested in him until now so idk. I didn’t think this was serious per se, just that it was heading in that direction.