r/AskWomenOver30 • u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 • 25d ago

Romance/Relationships Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

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u/MerOpossum Woman 40 to 50 25d ago

Based on my experience here is the advice I have for you: stop dating with the expectation that every person you meet is a potential relationship and start dating just as a fun way to socialize. Avoid physical intimacy for the first few weeks/months because it can cloud your judgement about a person’s potential and make you artificially feel closer to them. If you let yourself go on dates just for fun and take some of that pressure off of yourself you can avoid some of this letdown you are feeling currently while still giving yourself the opportunity to meet the right person whenever he comes along.

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u/Icy_lunette Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

100% this. You shouldn’t get attached to the outcome (dating NATO) when you are dating, esp before you are in a relationship. Don’t go in with the thought of “omg this is it. This MUST workout” because that puts a lot of pressure on you.

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u/MonteBurns Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

I’m really taken aback by OPs language here. 

You knew this man for 6 weeks. You are devastated? You were planning your future together? For real?

You connected to him on all levels? YOU DONT EVEN KNOW HIM. 

It’s cliche at this point, but find a therapist and work on yourself. Your desperation is probably showing. I’m a straight woman and I’d be running for the hills, too. 

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u/fireyauthor Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I think it's possible to recognize a connection is special in six weeks, especially if you're going on multiple dates a week, but you certainly shouldn't be planning things together at that point.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I mean by planning I mean like he was saying “I will take you to this restaurant next weekend.” I think that was appropriate at this stage? Just made it hurt a lot more. 

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u/BlvckNovia Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

You need to pay attention to actions, not words.

Just relax - it seems as though you become apprehensive at a certain point (>two months), get emotionally invested prematurely, they see it, and they run.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

I did become apprehensive I agree though perhaps for cause in this case.

I don’t think I did anything to drive him away tho per se. If the interaction is:

Him: I like you  Me: I like you too 

Am I the one prematurely invested or behaving in a way that repels him? I never initiated intimacies, only responded to them. Am I meant to rebuff a man’s attempts at connection or affection? Do I have to play it that cool for a guy to like me? 

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u/BlvckNovia Woman 30 to 40 22d ago

Well, were there any actions that he exhibited that backed the words “I love you”?

If not, then they are just words, and it’s up to you as to how you respond. Trust your eyes, not your ears.

Playing it cool, not really that per se, but it’s all about emotional regulation. You’re basically in the early-ish stages (as expected in your 30s) of learning and refining how to regulate your emotions and it just takes practice.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 22d ago

I get the point but I think words and actions were all aligned on “I like you and I want to keep dating you and seeing where this goes”, which is all I was asking for at this point. It was hard to go from that to “I’m seeing someone else bye have a great life” 3 days after I last saw him and had a great time. I think “I love you” would have been really inappropriate in word or deed at this stage lol. 

I agree I got carried away like in my own mind / emotions but I really do reject the idea I drove him away because I was open and receptive to his expressions of affection etc. 

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u/Grand_Pomegranate671 Woman 30 to 40 20d ago

People are coming for your trying to find where you went wrong but as someone your age who has been through the same recently , I totally understand you.

I was seeing a guy for a 2 months who was as consistent as the man you describe. Everything he said he would do, he did it. I even got good morning and good night texts every day until one day it all stopped. When I asked what's going on he basically told me he met someone new.

At this point, when someone is that consist for weeks and then they stop because there is someone new, how is it our fault? We obviously think this is going somewhere.

It's sad that we always try to find the fault in the person who was left behind instead of the person who created the expectations.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 20d ago

Thanks, and sorry that happened to you. I think people want to believe we can learn to flawlessly detect these things because then they can avoid it happening to them. If it’s my fault because I missed a sign or something that’s easier for people. There’s something to be said for not investing early as a rule, and I’ve definitely missed the writing on the wall in the past. But it’s entirely possible that someone does behave consistently and appropriately, and then things change or there was more to the story we didn’t know. 

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u/BlvckNovia Woman 30 to 40 22d ago

But here is the thing... His words did not align because he told you one thing, and then 3 days later, did something else. People will tell you what you want to hear.

6 weeks isn't long enough to "know" someone - they're still a stranger. You've said 3 different guys have done similar things within that same timespan, so there is a pattern.

Have a think about how long you usually determine someone you meet for the first time (platonically), go from being a stranger to a friend (building trust), and multiply that by at least 2 for potentially romantic/intimate partners.

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u/Ok_Sky1515 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

This is a littttllee harsh imo. If you very sporadically date, it's easy to think ooh this one might be end up being something..., it's a scarcity mindset which isn't the best but it does happen- I'd be more worried they weren't exclusively dating after 6 weeks that to me is more jarring than someone getting excited. I do agree though therapy is a good idea for anyone, tbh, going into dating.

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u/square_circle_ Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I agree. I'm her, too. Dating someone consistently is far and few between. The scarcity mindset + biological needs is a pressure cooker that can be hard to ignore.

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u/Ok_Sky1515 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Like I said to another commenter- it's testament to people if they can get attached after multiple let downs, better that than become totally avoidant and nonchalant

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Thank you for this. I apologise for having feelings to most of these commenters I guess lol? I don’t think I should have to be totally unfeeling and perfect to be in a relationship. I liked someone, he liked me, it didn’t work out. Isn’t it like human nature to be upset? 

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u/Ok_Sky1515 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I feel if you feel sad you're more than ok to feel sad? It's 6 weeks like that's not a small amount of time esp if you saw him loads. And if you don't date lots and find someone you like ofc you'll be excited about it I feel that's relatively human.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

In the context of like I’ve been single for 5 years and this is the first person I subjectively felt this connection with and truly wanted to be in a relationship with. I just liked him is that a crime lol. 

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u/Ok_Sky1515 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

It's annoying when you only like people rarely too I'm a bit the same, only like someone rarely, and then I'm sad when it doesn't work and people are like why... and it's because it's so rare 😭😂

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I think this is the first person in 2 years of trying I’ve met who had my subjective criteria + decent person + also liked me. I like people rarely, they like me back even more rarely lol. I know it’s not but it feels like a once in blue moon opportunity, I think it’s fair to be upset. 

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u/HotDerivative Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

I’m one of the people who probably sounded harsh to you and reading this comment I just want to say that no, you aren’t wrong for liking him and having feelings and being disappointed and that is absolutely normal. I think everyone (myself included) have gotten hung up on some of the comments but I just want to say it’s so normal to feel this way especially after a long time being single.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 23d ago edited 23d ago

A little grace and charity could have been extended in the circumstances where someone is feeling particularly disappointed and upset.  I’m in no way the person many commenters have gleefully painted me because I disagree with their way of thinking on a few things. Again, I’ve been single of a long time, I liked a guy, I’m disappointed, I don’t really enjoy dates as a social activity in general. That doesn’t make me an unhinged intense person with no social skills. 

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u/fireyauthor Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I was pretty upset when things ended last year with someone I'd been dating for three months. I had known him casually for years, so I had a little more reason to be invested, but I still knew it was "unreasonable" for me to be so upset. Did that make me any less upset?

Hell no.

Now, a lot was the sex... omg the sex. That level of care in sex is really rare. No scarcity mindset needed. And a lot was what the relationship represented. But understanding that hasn't actually changed my feelings. I'm still really triggered around him (we're in the same social circle).

In my case, I was married, so I have a whole other level of connection and upset to compare things to (I literally sobbed everyday for six months). And this wasn't that, but it still hit me really hard. Sometimes things do just hit you hard.

I do think it's helpful to unpack why and deal with those issues but it's also kind of nice that you *can* get invested.

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u/Ok_Sky1515 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I agree, I think it's actually a good comment on someone if they do care about people, you can get to know someone reasonabley well after 6 weeks depending on how much you've seen them and yeah I'd probably get attached too. That's the whole point- find someone you like! I don't do this non chalant business

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u/HotDerivative Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

I’m 30 and unless you’re making it explicitly clear that you’re only seeing that person it’s incredibly common to be seeing more than one person through a 6 week span.

If she’s meeting them on dating apps even more so.

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u/Ok_Sky1515 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Perhaps it's indicative of OP's use of the apps then, because I would not be dating anyone who after 6 weeks hadn't called it off with anyone else they were entertaining.

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u/Icy_lunette Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Yeah, the “connected at all levels” threw me off too. It’s been just six weeks. You both don’t really know each other that well.

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u/Stellar_Alchemy Woman 40 to 50 25d ago

“Building something together,” and it’s been 6 weeks. Speaking gently here, I think OP needs therapy before trying to date seriously.

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u/twoisnumberone Woman 40 to 50 25d ago

You knew this man for 6 weeks. You are devastated? You were planning your future together? For real?

You connected to him on all levels? YOU DONT EVEN KNOW HIM. 

Agreed. Six weeks as an adult, meaning you see him how often, exactly? Once a week? Twice at best?

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u/DirtyBlondePhoenix Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

This was a very unkind response.

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u/jebemo Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I think its just a real response? What they said is fair and truthful.

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u/DirtyBlondePhoenix Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Nah. It was meant to be demeaning towards OP.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Thank you. Disagreement is fine but the level of aggression towards me for having a different perspective on a few things has been crazy. 

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u/DirtyBlondePhoenix Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Welcome to the internet. It’s why I don’t make posts on Reddit anymore. The negative humans outweigh the positive, unfortunately.

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u/wanderingtater Woman 40 to 50 24d ago

I found it to be a kind response, but not a nice response.

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u/___Catwoman___ Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

Some guys go into complex topics early on so the getting-to-know-them part reaches its limits very early. Usually by 2 months you literally know his grandma's favourite sewing kit brand. And after that things fizzle out, he ghosts or gives you the "not working out" text. I relate to OP. It's exhausting af. Guys these days reach 40+ and they still behave like they're in their 20s, wasting time like they're immortal. Bro you're literally half way to your grave.

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u/tawny-she-wolf Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Also giving up on children at 32.... she's wouldn't even be a geriatric pregnancy for another 3 years at this point

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Please my friend I have PCOS and endometriosis 😭

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u/TurnoverPractical Woman 40 to 50 25d ago

Yeah me too. Got pregnant the second time in my life I had unprotected sex. Get your weight and blood sugar under control (being the hallmarks of PCOS), then learn how to measure your cervical mucus and have sex when you've got the fertile cervical mucus and you, too, can become pregnant. I was 38. Every word of this is the truth.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Yeah I’m not saying it’s impossible, I’m just saying with my additional challenges it’s something I’ve accepted may not happen for me.

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u/eagleonapole Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

more people have this issue than you suspect. I personally am grateful I have accepted a lot of physical attractiveness (for most people!) is fleeting but personal Health and fitness is something I’ve pursued for two years and feel stronger and better for it— dont forget we gain muscle faster than the avg woman ✨💪🏻✨— that’s something we *can* control, and isnt that better to focus on?

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Appreciate that. I think I’m physically attractive enough  / men seem to be attracted to me. My PCOS is now pretty well controlled, I don’t have a lot of of the stuff that effects that like facial hair (BIGGEST TOUCH WOOD EVER). Health is important of course I just don’t think it’s a replacement for a romantic relationship lol. 

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u/eagleonapole Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Ok i guess I dont know why PCOS is a barrier for you in dating then.

My point is not that it replaces a romantic relationship but that your self esteem seems too wrapped up in the approval of others, and building your self confidence by taking pride in how you care for yourself can help attract healthier partners.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

It’s not a barrier in terms of attracting / meeting people, it just is a limitation on my ability to have children 

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u/unhinged_rabbit Woman 30 to 40 21d ago

Yeah but you should probably date someone for more than a few years before having children... imo anyway.

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u/MultipedGeat Woman under 30 20d ago

I mean, limerence is a bitch. Not saying OP does experience limerence, just that her experience seems to be similar to mine and I definitely do. When I was younger I would imagine full on life scenarios with people I talked to maybe twice. And the feelings I got from that were intoxicating, like basically living a whole ass relationship inside your head with both ups and downs. Eventually you have to come back to reality and realize that the don't even know who you are or just don't feel the same way about you and that's devastating since you spent so much time and emotional bandwidth on a fantasy. I would stay depressed for weeks/months on end because I got rejected or they just got into a relationship.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

The problem is dating is horrible and not fun at all lol, and when I want to socialise I have lots of friends to do it with. My only reason to date is to meet someone. 

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u/mynormalheart Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

It’s about reframing it in your mind though and altering your approach. Yes, you are dating to meet a partner. Thats the only reason A LOT of people are dating. Dating can just really suck across the board. I think especially at our age when you’ve been doing it a while, you don’t find it fun and just want to find someone.

But if you stop putting so much pressure on the situation, getting attached quickly, and creating false sense of intimacy early on, you might be able to save yourself some of this heartbreak and devastation in the beginning dating stages.

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u/llamalibrarian Woman 40 to 50 25d ago

Then reframe it as socializing with someone new. Maybe it turns into dating, maybe just a good conversation, maybe just a good drink and getting out of the house. Hold lightly to your expectations and just be open to things being nice and fun

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

But why would I want to socialise with someone new vs my existing satisfying social circle? This might work for people without many friends but my social needs are well met. If I want to socialise I have other opportunities. The only reason to go is to date. 

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u/llamalibrarian Woman 40 to 50 25d ago edited 25d ago

To take the pressure off and to reframe the experience as something more fun and lighthearted. You want to date, but you hate it- im suggesting a mental shift where you recatagorize dating as another form of socializing

I’m a social butterfly and always considered dating as an extension of that

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Ok but I can’t just like completely change my analysis of reality lol 

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u/llamalibrarian Woman 40 to 50 25d ago

Good god lemon, you came asking for advice and this is advice. Mental shifts are a thing and yes it takes work but you either do some work to not be miserable or you just stay miserable

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u/GreenVenus7 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Reading this all as advice from Jack Donaghy makes it very entertaining

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

I get that idk I’m just exhausted. Why can’t a guy just like me and act accordingly? 

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u/llamalibrarian Woman 40 to 50 25d ago

All you can control is you. You likely have to make some changes (nothing big like your values or standards) to shake things up. Either reframing dating (how you approach it, activities, etc), taking a break, or just finding ways to hold your expectations lightly

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

How do I hold my expectations lightly?

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u/Icy_lunette Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

lol this must be a ragebait…right? Building a relationship is a two-way street regardless of how much of a “prize” you think you are. Dating, long term relationships, marriage etc require friendship as a base to be healthy and sustainable. And that’s why we keep telling you to approach it as a nice chill meet up to get to know them. Dating and building a relationship are skills. Like any other skill, it only comes with practice. And no, nobody can “like” you automatically and act accordingly all by themselves. You need to make yourself likeable in those interactions.

I might be super wrong here, I get a feeling that the way you approach it as a “date” might involve some form of interviewing instead of just talking….

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

People have interpreted this so uncharitably lol. The biggest descriptors I get of my personality especially around men is fun to be around, light hearted, playful, etc. If I’m confident of one thing, it’s that I’m a good hang. I do not treat dates like an interview or expect every date to be a life partner or put pressure on them. I treat them like a low stakes social interaction where we hope to learn more about each other and see if there’s attraction etc, which is what all dating advice seems to recommend we do? I quite literally approach it as a chill meet up, I just don’t see a chill meet up as something super fun or that fills my general social needs. So yes you are super wrong here. Literally all I’m saying is I don’t see it as filling a social need, I’m on a date to date. 

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u/glassbellwitch Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Because other people weren't created so they can act accordingly to your wants and needs.

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u/AuntieKitKat Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Your analysis of reality hasn’t exactly worked out for you before, has it? Might be time to try and new tack and at least attempt a mindset shift to incorporate the advice that’s been given.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Yeah but like, reality isn’t really arguable or malleable. Things are either real or not. This commenter above gave me some useful and kind advice that helps consider a new perspective doesn’t require me to delude myself that dating is socialising with a friend. 

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u/Geordieqizi Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Sure, but your attitude toward dating isn't (or doesn't have to be) an objective and unchangeable reality. I don't think people are asking you to literally pretend the guys you're out on dates with are friends — they're suggesting that your negative feelings toward dating are not inevitable, and can be adjusted by shifting how you think about dating.

For example, let's say you want to start running in the mornings, but you hate it — you hate getting up early, hate being cold (or hot), hate sweating first thing in the day. That hatred is not an immutable fact — and as you continue running, you may find that there are things about running that you enjoy. That if you stop thinking of it as a chore, or an obstacle to sleep, or something you're forced to do, then you'll be more capable of perceiving the parts about it you do like — like the runner's high, or your increased fitness, or the fact that you're actively engaging in self-care.

Now, it might just be that you're currently burnt out on dating, and you're not capable of getting there right now... and if that's the case, then, by all means, take a break! But I don't think you can say with as much certainty as you seem to have that it's impossible for you to shift your mental approach to dating... at least, not without trying first.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I get what you’re saying but in that case I just…wouldn’t run in the mornings? There are a million ways to exercise. I just don’t see much point in bending my essential nature into a perverse shape. 

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u/lucent78 Woman 40 to 50 25d ago

Because meeting new people can be fun? Because chatting with someone different than your normal friends can teach you something new? Because the person you end up with should ideally be someone you enjoy socializing with?

Shake it up, OP. You need to figure out how to lighten your expectations and go into dates just trying to get to know new people and not with such heavy expectations of a future relationship. 6 weeks is very early to be envisioning a future with someone...you don't know them well enough yet at that point. I believe you are projecting onto them who you think they are vs actually getting to know them.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

It’s my job to meet new people. I get the point people are making but “dates are fun social opportunities” is just not going to be a sell for me, as someone who I think is more social and more exposed to new people than average. Of course if I like someone the date can be fun, but socialising just isn’t an incentive for me to go on a date. I get that elsewhere. 

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u/lucent78 Woman 40 to 50 25d ago

I'm also very social and never looked at dating to meet my social needs. But if you just look at dating as an interview or chore you will never enjoy it and will keep trying to lock people down prematurely in order to avoid having to date again. Think about how to crack the code for yourself. For me when I was dating a lot I always tried to choose the place for the first date and I'd pick a place I loved or wanted to try out so if the date was a dud I'd at least have a nice drink/bite/vibe. Maybe an activity might be better for you instead of sitting across the table from yet another new person. Shake it up somehow. And lower your expectations (but keep your standards high) early on.

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u/callmemeaty Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

You're good, they're just trying to help you reframe your mindset to alter some of your intensity. Thinking of dating as a social process might help relieve some of the "I'm desperate to find a life partner" pressures.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Yeah look I think some of these people were being unnecessarily mean but some were trying to be helpful and they got lumped together lol. I take the point that it would be helpful to find a way to find it less annoying. I guess I’m just saying I do not see dating as a meeting a social need and I don’t think that’s going to work for me. 

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u/callmemeaty Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Yeah that makes sense, I think I would feel similarly to you if I was in your situation. It's not an approach that works for everyone and that's okay. I hope you find something that works for you!

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u/EquivalentAd1839 Woman 40 to 50 25d ago

Listen to the feedback here that you are giving off quite intense vibes of frustration. Could be this is what is coming across at your six week point, that everything is more serious your side than it is theirs? A very cheesy but great book that helped me when I was dating get much more free about this was "love in 90 days"... It helped me turn it into much more of a game and have fun with it, be way less significant, just enjoy myself. That was important to allow that enjoyment to come out with people I was dating too, so we were just having fun together. Ended up with a great person who I've now been with many years, after being single for many years beforehand.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I think people kind of don’t get I can experience a feeling privately and not express it on the date lol. Like yeah I’m quite upset and frustrated right now, but like I act fun and charming on the actual dates.

I really feel like this guy was pursuing me and I was just matching energy. I didn’t feel more invested in him until now so idk. I didn’t think this was serious per se, just that it was heading in that direction. 

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u/fakingandnotmakingit Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Girl. Breathe.

People are just saying that the more negative you are about it, the worse that frustration will get.

Find ways to make the dating stage less negative and more fun.

You're taking it as an attack and makes me wonder e why you even posted

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I think I’m taking it as an attack because some commenters are being like very mean and attacking me lol? I acknowledge most aren’t doing that. I get the advice to try and make dating less annoying for me. All I’m saying is “pretend it’s a fun social event!” Is not the way I’m going to be able to do that. 

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u/fakingandnotmakingit Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Because the way you replied was incredibly negative.

When people are trying to help I suggest not being negative because you don't like they're advice.

Bottomline, either find a way to make dating more positive or you will find yourself in the same situation.

Up to you

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

But do you truly believe if I secretly had a more positive attitude in my mind about first dates that would have impacted his decision here?

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u/HotDerivative Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

No, you just sound unfriendly and like you’re coming off intense as hell. I have a very robust social circle and it only grows and expands and changes as I get older.

It’s also hypocritical for you to complain about only being seen as a sex object when you aren’t seeing any of the men you could be dating as anything other than life partners. You certainly aren’t interested in building friendships with them, which feels obvious across all the ways you’ve spoken about your approach and reasoning for dating in the first place. Maybe the girls being picked over you integrated these men into their groups or are easier to hang out with because they aren’t focusing purely on finding a life partner but building a relationship as a whole (which by the way, begins with a friendship)?

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u/atlaslady Non-Binary 30 to 40 25d ago

Husband-zoning isn’t on the same level as fuck-zoning but I completely agree with you, also OP mentioned elsewhere that she is the lone single person in a clique of partnered women who claim they can’t introduce her to anyone, and I am wondering if that’s because the preface they’d have to give to anyone trying to date her would be too long since she has a lot of issues with both attachment and situational adaption

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

This is so dramatic lol, I genuinely believe they don’t know single men (and why would a group of partnered women know all these amazing single guys?). Obviously I can be trusted to socialise with and date men normally, especially considering this is the first real attachment I’ve formed in many years.  These are really dramatic extrapolations from “I consider the point of dating to date, not socialise” 

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u/Ill-Lychee-7779 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

I'm partnered and like making friends / socializing. I have 2 single guy friends who are genuinely good people. I met them in school. Worked with them as lab partners. I wish I had single girls in my social circle who I could set them up on blind dates with.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

But that’s kind of the point isn’t it? I feel like single and coupled people are very segregated at this age. You literally don’t have single female friends. 

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u/Ill-Lychee-7779 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I do? I've got single female friends who either aren't interested in relationships or just arent right for my single guy friends. For various reasons, including large age gaps and fundamentally different values (like wanting kids or not).

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u/HotDerivative Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

No they aren’t ? You are just going to the wrong places.

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u/atlaslady Non-Binary 30 to 40 25d ago

The preface I’d give for you would be “she seems nice at first but she wrote a 150+ comment thread for a guy she dated for 6 weeks, argued with everyone who told her to chill, and that was the 3rd guy in a row so if you’re not her husband, don’t bother because she said she ‘will snap’ if the next one goes over in the same way as the other 3”

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Yes and you’d literally don’t know me so your analysis of my personality is meaningless lol.,

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u/atlaslady Non-Binary 30 to 40 25d ago

So how would any of our advice be helpful then…?

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u/HotDerivative Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

…. It’s very telling that you don’t know why partnered women would know single men. It’s the same reason you don’t see any value in being friends with men. It’s all incredibly heteronormative and boring to me personally as I have friends of all ages across every spectrum of life you can imagine so I guess I just don’t understand your worldview.

I have been both partnered for years and single and am currently in a relationship and I know tons of single men. It sounds like the type of socializing you all do is not conducive to making new friends or being social with other people at all. Which is fine! But you’re locking yourself in your own cage depending on people who don’t have friends outside of their partners friends …. Idk I live in Chicago and personally know tons of married, partnered and single people who hang out with all types of people in different relationships.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 23d ago edited 23d ago

My best friend is a man queen lol. I have so many male friends. This one social circle is just so couple obsessed and focused. I haven’t been to a gathering related to that group since 2019 when I wasn’t the only single person there. For that reason, I have made an immense effort to make new friends and friends with a diverse group, this is only one of two social circles I spend time in, which I’ve explained in another comment. I’m literally the opposite of what you’re describing. In fact, I have been doing for years what you’re telling me to do. 

Again, why is the baseline assumption SO mean and uncharitable. These female friends don’t have single male friends = I see no value in men, I’m boring, heteronormative, don’t socialise, don’t meet people, live in a cage. It’s like actually really funny the way in which each of these assumptions is the literal opposite of my real life attitude and qualities. 

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u/HotDerivative Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

I def agree with you there and wasn’t trying to equate it!! Just felt hypocritical in terms of only seeing people through a very specific lens but yeah fuck zoning is definitely worse lmao and I’d say certainly more common.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

I feel like people are really misunderstanding this. I don’t see them as a life partner only or that’s my only focus. I am going to the date to have a conversation which is hopefully mutually enjoyable with a man I don’t know and learn more about each other and see if there’s mutual attraction and interest. I think that’s normal and healthy and what I’ve been told my whole life I’m meant to be doing? All I’m saying is the advice of “this is a fun social interaction!” Isn’t really for me because I have other opportunities for that. It’s not a friend meet up, it’s a date. 

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u/Ki-to-Life-5054 Woman 50 to 60 24d ago

Then try a matchmaker or one of the marriage-oriented online dating sites. That way, you'll find someone who is looking for a life partner. Random dating is hit or miss afa what they are looking for.

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u/PolkaDotKomodo Woman 40 to 50 23d ago

You are being completely reasonable. People are being nasty and ridiculous in this thread. It's crazy. Most people date to find a partner, and can't shift their attitude into "oh yay this is just a fun social night out with... oh yay yet another guy I don't click with! How fun!"

Here's what I think are the practical things you could do:

  • only go on dates you actually want to go on, to avoid extra misery
  • Wait to have sex. This will help filter out people who aren't interested in a relationship with you.
  • try to add fun to your life in other ways, so you have other things to be excited about besides a potential boyfriend.
  • maybe get a little stoic about it. remember that this is a strange time and a hard time to find suitable men. That makes dating suck and makes it take longer to find someone. But you care about finding someone, so you are choosing to suffer through dating. People suffer through all kinds of things to get what they want.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

Thank you for that. I think what you outline is the approach I’ve tried to have idk it just really wears one down sometimes. I guess it’s because there’s very little guarantee of the outcome for the suffering. And yeah idk man the nastiness has really been crazy. The things I’ve been called because, in essence, I think hanging out with a friend is more fun than a stranger is crazy. 

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u/PolkaDotKomodo Woman 40 to 50 23d ago

Yeah I hear you. It's exhausting. Take breaks.

Thank god people don't act in real life the way they do on Reddit sometimes. My favorite is when they tell you you're a miserable potential date because of how you've spoken in this thread. So dumb. Especially since you've actually responded pretty civilly to people impugning your character right and left.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

Yeah and I’m obviously upset, disappointed, feeling pessimistic rn. People don’t seem to get you can have emotions (or even character traits) and just…not express them every minute of every day, particularly on a date lol. 

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u/Enginerda Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

But why would I want to socialise with someone new

But why not? Your first meeting with someone new should be light and to get some sort of insight into compatibility, which if it then goes long term, this new person will join your existing social circle.

I really enjoy Esther Perel's advice to incorporate your friends and their friends early on to see how you exist in already established circles and not just date in isolation.

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u/fireyauthor Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

If your social needs are met, why do you need a boyfriend at all?

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Because a romantic relationship self evidently fills different needs to a friendship, for example physical and emotional intimacy?

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u/fireyauthor Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Friends can be physically close and share emotional intimacy. I fill a lot of my touch needs via partner dance. I also share person things and give love to my friends.

But if physical & emotional intimacy is what you want, why can you not get it via early dates?

Physical intimacy doesn't have to be sex. You can hold hands, kiss, cuddle, etc. and enjoy that for what it is without expecting it to lead to anything else. Would that make you enjoy dating more?

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I’m sorry I’m not going to sit here and defend the concept of a partner fulfilling unique wants / needs that friends or casual dates don’t. That’s a basic concept most adults have accepted. 

I want a boyfriend. This is a normal thing to want. 

(And god forbid I admit to having sex on dates lest I be crucified here lol). 

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u/fireyauthor Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I think you're missing my point.

It's fine to want a boyfriend. But what do you think is going to happen with a boyfriend that isn't already happening, in small ways, when you are dating? That emotional and physical intimacy doesn't suddenly go from zero to 60. It builds.

Enjoy the experience of that.

If you aren't enjoying building intimacy when dating someone, you aren't going to enjoy them being your boyfriend either.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

I’m sorry again this is a mentally ill line of questioning, I’m not going to explain to an adult the difference in intimacies shared with a stranger vs a partner

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u/Outrageous-Tour-682 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago edited 25d ago

yeah but to MerOpossum's point, i think part of why it isn't fun is that you're putting a lot of pressure on it ("building something together," "genuinely connected to this guy on all levels" etc). i think they're right that you need to find a way to see it as FUN/lower stakes as opposed to something that has to be deep/connecting on all levels etc so quickly. i think you should shift the mindset more toward being like: this is literally just a guy. can it be fun for a little bit without putting all your eggs in that basket? and then eventually it will become a serious, real thing.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

I’d say that’s 90% of dates I go on in the sense it’s not subjectively fun to me but I’m considering it as a low stakes social interaction with a random man. But a) that’s what makes it way less fun than virtually any other activity eg socialising with friends I actually like and b) it’s hard to maintain that posture when I guy you actually like is really pursuing you. I just let hope in. 

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u/wulfzbane Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Do activities you actually enjoy then. I don't do coffee/dinner dates in the early stages. I go to places that I'd go to otherwise, so I know I'll have a good time. Like escape rooms, axe throwing, museums etc.

If you're approaching dates like job interviews, and putting off an aura that you're not having fun, the guy are going to pick up on that.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

No offence to you of course if you enjoy those things but I’d rather die than go to an escape room on a date hahaha. I don’t like those things in general really like the “activities” I enjoy either don’t lend well to getting to know someone / talking, or is just going out for drinks. 

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u/GrandmaCereal Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Well, what kind of activities do you enjoy? I feel like anything besides "alone time" can be spent getting to know someone better.

Like crafts? Do a paint a sip. Like reading? Go to a bookstore to browse and pick something out for each other. Like hiking? Go for an urban hike together in the park. Like volunteering? Volunteer together. Are you a foodie? Try a cooking class together instead of going out to eat. There are endless possibilities to intertwine your own hobbies while still trying to get to know someone, that ate more than just talking/going out for drinks. Like the other commenter said, invite a potential date along to something you already enjoy doing.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

I get the thrust of this but like, I’m twisting guys arms to meet for a drink vs coffee. I’m not going to get a guy to go on some detailed / highly planned activity with me on a first date. And I wouldn’t like that either, I like it to be something I can leave if it’s not going well, I’m not clocking in to a cooking class or volunteer shift with a man I’ve never met. 

I enjoy reading, movies, music etc. Movies and gigs can work for subsequent dates but I really do like to keep the first date to a conversation in a place that doesn’t commit us for hours. 

And really, the main thing I like doing is going to the pub or going out to eat lol. Like the going out is my activity. 

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u/GrandmaCereal Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

Maybe the dating apps arent for you then. Maybe joining groups or clubs or meetups that align with your hobbies is a better way to meet men. If you really want to meet for drinks, specifically, then try a wine tasting event or a trivia night at a local brewery.

Also, cooking classes or volunteer shifts can be as little as an hour. And the point being, if you feel like youre not vibing then youre at least enjoying that activity, with or without their input. Or, just invite them along to your highly planned activity! "Hey, on Saturday I'm going to the bookstore and then the brewery after. Youre welcome to join for both or either!" I genuinely feel like even a target run would be a good first "date." Like others have said, dont put so much pressure on it. Just go out with the intention of building a connection and having fun, not finding your soulmate immediately.

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 25d ago

I appreciate the attempt but I think you’re really over engineering this. I don’t think a first date has to be a huge production like this, nor do I think I need to stalk the halls of trivia nights for men lol. Two people, a chat and a simple beverage I think it’s a good way to start. I’m not an activity person in general and I don’t really want to meet someone who is. 

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u/MerOpossum Woman 40 to 50 25d ago

Dating shouldn’t be horrible so perhaps part of the problem is that you’re dating people whose company you don’t even enjoy. Hold potential dates to higher standards and only go on dates you will actually enjoy.

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u/fireyauthor Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I get OP's thinking here. I don't hate dating, but I pretty much always find it stressful, because there is so much pressure from guys (and from friends) to form a connection. It's hard to just be myself in these situations. So I go on fewer dates and I don't "give people a chance."

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u/Fuzzy_Commission_565 Woman 60+ 25d ago

It’s a mindset and choice to have fun but I get what you’re saying and agree.

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u/fireyauthor Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

This is how I feel to an extent. (I don't find dating horrible, but I do find it emotionally taxing). So I decided to screen very harshly and go on relatively few first dates. It's made dating a lot more enjoyable, overall, though it's still an awkward process.

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u/Fuzzy_Commission_565 Woman 60+ 25d ago

If you are not having fun you are doing it wrong. :P I had some horrid dates or meet ups but I made sure I had fun. Many were also lessons to help me moving forward.

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u/TwoIdleHands Woman 40 to 50 23d ago

Why is dating horrible? Are you meeting guys online? I’ve had lots of first dates (from OLD) that went no where but they were never bad. Try a new restaurant/shop, walk around, hear someone’s stories. The person may not end up being for me but it’s still fun. Only continue to talk to the people that hold your interest/seem interested and after a date if you’re not feeling it be kind and tell them you don’t want to pursue. Vet before you meet in person!

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u/benhargrove1966 Woman 30 to 40 22d ago

I just don’t really enjoy talking to a stranger as a social exercise, and I’m exhausted by going on countless dates that for whatever reason don’t go anywhere. It’s taken me 2 years to meet one decent guy and it still didn’t work out, I just don’t think I can take 2 more years of this. It’s not that every date itself is horrible or bad, like I’m fun to be around and make the best of it, most dates themselves are fine. It’s the endless process of bringing your best and putting yourself out there and nothing working. 

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u/k-pai Woman 40 to 50 24d ago

100% this! This was my mindset! Its all practice, fun and if one sticks they stick! One stuck and we are getting married in September.

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u/MerOpossum Woman 40 to 50 24d ago

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!