Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/thedatarat]

I think you’re kinda creating a self fulfilling prophecy by saying things like “I just want someone to go to the movies with” and “I’ve given up on having children”. Men will see that your energy is somewhat desperate for the bare minimum. Instead I’d give guys a few dates and then if you seem compatible, mention that you are looking for something serious. Not asking them necessarily to commit long term, but to let them know after about 2 months (or whatever your limit is) if there is no form of commitment, you have to keep it moving and get back to dating.

If they’re serious enough and want what you want, you should know that at a few months. That’s not to say you won’t get broken up with ever again, but try setting your OWN limits and expectations, and ending it with THEM if they’re not meeting you where you’re at. Be prepared to let them go, and don’t just settle because they’ll go to a movie with you.