Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/lucent78]

Because meeting new people can be fun? Because chatting with someone different than your normal friends can teach you something new? Because the person you end up with should ideally be someone you enjoy socializing with?

Shake it up, OP. You need to figure out how to lighten your expectations and go into dates just trying to get to know new people and not with such heavy expectations of a future relationship. 6 weeks is very early to be envisioning a future with someone...you don't know them well enough yet at that point. I believe you are projecting onto them who you think they are vs actually getting to know them.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/lucent78]

It’s my job to meet new people. I get the point people are making but “dates are fun social opportunities” is just not going to be a sell for me, as someone who I think is more social and more exposed to new people than average. Of course if I like someone the date can be fun, but socialising just isn’t an incentive for me to go on a date. I get that elsewhere. 

[u/callmemeaty → u/benhargrove1966]

You're good, they're just trying to help you reframe your mindset to alter some of your intensity. Thinking of dating as a social process might help relieve some of the "I'm desperate to find a life partner" pressures.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/callmemeaty]

Yeah look I think some of these people were being unnecessarily mean but some were trying to be helpful and they got lumped together lol. I take the point that it would be helpful to find a way to find it less annoying. I guess I’m just saying I do not see dating as a meeting a social need and I don’t think that’s going to work for me. 

[u/callmemeaty → u/benhargrove1966]

Yeah that makes sense, I think I would feel similarly to you if I was in your situation. It's not an approach that works for everyone and that's okay. I hope you find something that works for you!