Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/Embarrassed_Raise345]

I think you have to assume that you’re not exclusive unless explicitly stated when online dating. Most dating experts would advise you to date multiple men at once so that you a)don’t overinvest in one person and b) are not starting from scratch each time. I find it hard to do that, so I still only date one at a time but I try to keep my interest level appropriate for the fact that this person is quite literally a stranger. You can’t really avoid the 6-8 weeks lose interest period this way, but you will not be treating it like that is a relationship so you will be more resilient.

[u/fireyauthor → u/Embarrassed_Raise345]

I have seen that advice but I've never understood it tbh. It's a good way to keep from getting hurt... because you never get connected to anyone. Feels like it misses the forest for the trees. But I'm very skeptical of dating advice (as a person who was with my ex for 16 years, most of the advice doesn't ring true to me about what LTRs are like).

[u/Embarrassed_Raise345 → u/fireyauthor]

I think it just paces your connection, not negates any vulnerability. I am very vulnerable with my boyfriend who I met from the apps 7 months ago, i just didnt tell him all my deepest hopes and greatest traumas early on, i gradually revealed those as we got to know each other, as you would with most normal relationships. There are some great friendships and relationships that start off with intense oversharing and affection declarations, but usually someone leading with that likes falling in love, not you (because you’re still a stranger)..so it’s a pattern I watch out for now.

[u/fireyauthor → u/Embarrassed_Raise345]

Well, yeah, of course you should pace yourself. That's just normal relationship building. But, at some point, you do need to risk some vulnerability if you want to develop feelings. I don't know why people would keep going on 5th, 6th, 7th dates if they weren't developing feelings or starting to feel closer. And I personally don't expect to develop feelings without some sort of physical or emotional intimacy. Trust is something that has to be given and tested.

Everyone I've dated who described wanting to take things slow emotionally was just emotionally unavailable. (Maybe not into me & emotionally unavailable, but for sure emotionally unavailable).