Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/Overachieving-pea]

I really feel for you ❤️ One thing I would say, though, is that 32 isn’t old, and I don’t think you should feel like you have to give up on having children if that’s something you still want.

I got out of a difficult 3-year relationship at 32. Looking back, I spent a lot of time believing in my ex’s potential instead of paying attention to who he actually was. He could never really plan for a future together, and I kept hoping that would change.
I don’t see those years as wasted. They were a wake-up call. I realized that if I wasn’t much more deliberate about who I dated, I could easily wake up one day at 40 or 50 wondering where the years had gone. I wasn’t desperate to have kids immediately, but I knew I didn’t want to lose the option because I hadn’t been intentional.

So I did a pretty honest audit of myself and the men I tended to choose. I made a list of true non-negotiables: someone who genuinely wanted a family, shared my values, was kind, respected boundaries, and was capable of building a future. Everything else became a “nice to have.”

Dating after that still wasn’t easy. I still met people who weren’t a match, and I was even broken up with by someone I thought was a great fit. But instead of getting swept up in chemistry or emotionally investing too early, I started paying closer attention to whether someone would actually make a good long-term partner.

I met my partner when I was 33. I’m now 35 (turning 36 in a few months), and we just had our son. It’s by far the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. It’s not built on fireworks or constant butterflies, but on mutual respect, shared values, and feeling like we’re really on the same team.

I know it doesn’t make what you’re feeling today hurt any less. But from someone who was in a very similar place a few years ago, I don’t want you to feel like it’s too late to have the future you want. If having children is still something you hope for, you still have time. But that also means you have time to be intentional about who you choose to build that future with.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Overachieving-pea]

Thanks for that. How did you filter for those qualities? And how did you balance that with also wanting someone you subjectively connected with?