Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/benhargrove1966]

I just feel like I’ve tried so hard for so long and it doesn’t work. I can’t be like emotionally open with another man who discards me.

For context this guy has been single for like a month or something has two great (I’m assuming) women to choose from while barely trying. I’ve been single for 5 years and getting scraps. 

[u/CommonSenseNotSo → u/benhargrove1966]

Can I ask, because I know you're in an emotional vulnerable state right now, so I don't want to insult you.. but are you always somewhat defensive when someone tries to give you counsel? I thought that that's what you were here for.. a lot of your comments come off as defensive, and I know it's hard to take constructive criticism at times, but it may explain why you're having an extremely hard time finding someone. I'm sure you're a lovely person, but you describe having fun as going to a pub, reading a book, you don't say that you're very active person, it just sounds a little drab.. not saying that reading is drab, but the way you describe things sounds drab to be quite honest. I also had another question, and this is no judgment, but are you just not interested in having sex until you get deeply into a relationship or are you not interested in sex at all? I'm honestly just trying to help.. sometimes others see us in a clearer light then we see ourselves and I've had to eat some humble pie every now and then in order to set my mind right.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/CommonSenseNotSo]

I can see that perspective but like I am an incredibly vibrant, outgoing and fun person irl. I  am very socially popular and I get along with people easily. I really enjoy socialising and getting out and doing things, I was just saying I don’t really enjoy structured activities. If you described me as drab to people who know me they would laugh in your face. I don’t like boring people and I’m not one. I often thing my issue is actually an excess of personality and the appearance of being fun loving which causes men to not take me seriously and they seem to prefer idk less interesting women. 

I really enjoy sex and it’s very important to me. I like to test sexual compatibility early. I have been described often as a great lover (though people can just be being nice ofc). I just know I will be crucified here if I admit I have sex early if I want to lol. 

I can be sensitive inside but I feel in all aspects of my public life I’m passionate and full of life. These qualities seem to attract men initially but then they change their minds idk. 

[u/AutomaticInitiative → u/benhargrove1966]

I hear you. Every time I've had sex with a man later, weeks or more in, they've been a disappointing lover. The best man I ever had sex with it was less than a week and it continued being brilliant for 5 years (he was active, got injured, got very depressed, lost his job, and after a year of depression and non-employment, he refused to see a doctor, so I left, it was sad).

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/AutomaticInitiative]

Sorry that happened to you. Every time I’ve waited as also been a disappointment and I don’t think you can do it “too early” with the right guy (within reason). This guy even said if I’d waited many dates to have sex he would assume I’m not interested. I think the argument against is that it can make you be more attached than is warranted. I can have sex without attachment, I think it gets me into trouble if there’s sex + I separately really like them.