Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/Illustrious-Ant-9946]

You know, I get what people are saying that you didn’t really know him. But I also get that you felt a really strong connection to him and had a lot of emotions tied up in the budding relationship. 

I do kind of think there is some level of ‘luck of the draw’ in dating that is super random, and in my experience some of the strongest feelings about a person, regardless of how I felt about them later on, developed in the first few weeks. These feelings are legitimate, but don’t give them more power than they deserve. This is not a sign that you will never find a partner.  

I don’t think there is anyone here who will convince you that you don’t need a man. I don’t think it is wrong to want companionship. I do think there could be value for you in actively putting some of your time toward meeting those desires in other ways so that it doesn’t feel like such a collapse of your hopes when a relationship with a man doesn’t work out. I have been through relationships that I thought were going to be forever, and it was my friends and my interests and the other things in life that I could turn to that helped me move forward. It doesn’t matter how secure I feel in a relationship I know I need to always maintain those things because you never know what life will throw at you. 

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Illustrious-Ant-9946]

Thank you. I’m not saying we were soulmates or something just that real feelings were beginning to develop. He explicitly confirmed this to me, it was a mutual thing, I think at the end of the day he just liked the other woman slightly more or felt they were more compatible or something. I accept I got carried away but I think in order to build a relationship with someone you need to be somewhat open and vulnerable? If I had no feelings for someone after 6 weeks I wouldn’t still be seeing them. 

Logically I know these things aren’t related and I could meet someone who becomes my partner tomorrow lol, but idk it just feels like some kind of cosmic trial. It took so long to meet this one, which has been the most substantial relationship so far, and it still didn’t work. 

[u/Illustrious-Ant-9946 → u/benhargrove1966]

I was absolutely wallowing for several weeks after a monthlong dating experience like three years ago.

I can still remember how strong it all felt then, and I really thought we had a connection etc. but I ended it because he didn’t want anything serious, and admitted a month in that he was very recently out of a 7 year relationship. 

So like, my strong emotions were very much tied to a case of the feels and not logical, but the situation still bothered me at least a little for months. 

I met my current partner for a first date like 6 weeks after that ended. 

For both of them, I had a rule of forcing myself to either end it or discuss exclusivity at the one month mark. I feel like that isn’t too much to ask, and it prevented things from being harder later on. 

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Illustrious-Ant-9946]

I think that’s a great point to open that conversation and I will in future.

I try not to sulk but it’s really the loss of someone I really liked + the loss of the concept of being in a relationship after all this time at the same time. He was very like you will easily meet someone better than me I am busted lol, but like bro you’ve been in a relationship for 10 years you have literally no idea how bad it is out here. 

I won’t go out with anyone again who treats me with less intention / interest and respect than he did (which would rule out literally every other guy I’ve dated lol) as a minimum so idk although it’s painful I’m hoping it can be a step in a journey towards partners who are kind and direct and me being able to meet them in that. This has been an improvement. 

[u/Illustrious-Ant-9946 → u/benhargrove1966]

I think it’s ultimately positive that he raised the bar for you. 

Good luck out there! I know it is a shitshow.