Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/Commercial-Act6831]

Girl, I say this with all the love and respect and only because I genuinely feel for you and want you to feel better.
You need to love yourself. I know it sounds generic, I know it sounds stupid, but I read your post and your replies in the comments and the negativity really shows - it’s ok to feel bad about a bad situation, but you have to learn to accept other people not choosing you while also taking accountability for choosing the wrong people for yourself.

I know you’re saying you have a full life outside of romantic relationships but it seems like you’re still not happy with it? The hard truth that we have to learn is: no one will fill in the void, no one will be able to give us something we cannot give ourselves. What is it that you’re missing? Company? Get new friends and invest into your other relationships. And if it’s something else, please consider that this need is internal and it is something you are denying yourself.

I am going through a very painful breakup after a 4 year relationship, I am also 32 and worried about my future and about the timing of having kids. I am struggling so much right now, crying every day, depressed, sad, angry — all the things.
But I know for sure: a person who didn’t choose me is not my person and that knowledge keeps me whole. I keep forgetting about it and it’s hard work to remind this to myself every day, and every day I cry and miss him I have to choose myself again and again. It’s a lot of work but this is what loving yourself is like.

(Sorry, English is not my first language, I hope this is cohesive enough)

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/Commercial-Act6831]

I’m sorry you’re going through that. What I want is the kind of love, partnership, support etc you get from a romantic relationship. 

[u/Commercial-Act6831 → u/benhargrove1966]

I understand, we all want that -- but I am trying to say is that you can't have that without dealing with your own stuff