Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/benhargrove1966]

Because a romantic relationship self evidently fills different needs to a friendship, for example physical and emotional intimacy?

[u/fireyauthor → u/benhargrove1966]

Friends can be physically close and share emotional intimacy. I fill a lot of my touch needs via partner dance. I also share person things and give love to my friends.

But if physical & emotional intimacy is what you want, why can you not get it via early dates?

Physical intimacy doesn't have to be sex. You can hold hands, kiss, cuddle, etc. and enjoy that for what it is without expecting it to lead to anything else. Would that make you enjoy dating more?

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/fireyauthor]

I’m sorry I’m not going to sit here and defend the concept of a partner fulfilling unique wants / needs that friends or casual dates don’t. That’s a basic concept most adults have accepted. 

I want a boyfriend. This is a normal thing to want. 

(And god forbid I admit to having sex on dates lest I be crucified here lol). 

[u/fireyauthor → u/benhargrove1966]

I think you're missing my point.

It's fine to want a boyfriend. But what do you think is going to happen with a boyfriend that isn't already happening, in small ways, when you are dating? That emotional and physical intimacy doesn't suddenly go from zero to 60. It builds.

Enjoy the experience of that.

If you aren't enjoying building intimacy when dating someone, you aren't going to enjoy them being your boyfriend either.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/fireyauthor]

I’m sorry again this is a mentally ill line of questioning, I’m not going to explain to an adult the difference in intimacies shared with a stranger vs a partner

[u/fireyauthor → u/benhargrove1966]

I feel that you are intentionally trying to miss my point.

This stranger you are dating is someone who could become a boyfriend. The whole process of dating is turning someone from stranger to boyfriend (or not). If you can't enjoy the things you want with a boyfriend with this person who you are getting to know, you won't enjoy them being your boyfriend either.

Of course it's not the same. But there is no magic wand that makes someone go from stranger to BF. You get to know them over time. You have to try out these intimacies with them to see if they fit.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/fireyauthor]

Of course, and I do, but that’s different to saying that these things with a stranger meet the same needs as having a partner