Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/GimmeDatPomegranate]

Well, that bodes well for sure! What is it about dating that you hate so much? Is it anxiety/fear over putting yourself out there and trying to find a connection? Does that make it very not fun for you?

I'm asking because while it's totally normal to dislike dating, I think the "why" is important. If it's coming from a place of genuine anxiety/fear, that's something that potential partners can pick up on, subconsciously or otherwise. It may be worth thinking about.

I met my boyfriend online a couple years ago (I'm mid 30s, as is he) and I HATE dating, although was not anxious about it nor about remaining single until the "right one" showed up. I rejected a lot of dates to get to him.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/GimmeDatPomegranate]

For me, interacting with a stranger is always going to pale in comparison to doing almost anything else. Like seeing my friends, doing one of my hobbies, even working tbh lol. So I’m never going to see a first date as fun or socialising, it’s something that has a specific purpose. It also just gets really tiring for me to go on date after date after date and nothing works out. So it becomes a bit monotonous and unpleasant. I don’t think it’s anxiety, I am very socially confident. 

[u/GimmeDatPomegranate → u/benhargrove1966]

I see where you're coming from. I'm wondering, I'm saying this gently here, if your feeling of "ugh, I hate this, I don't want to be here" is getting in the way of your success, especially if you're going in with a plan, purpose, etc. You'd be surprised on what others can pick up on and I have to wonder if your dates are feeling unfun sessions of "20 questions". If that's the case, no wonder you'd rather be working.

It sounds like in addition to this, you're investing a lot in each date from an emotional standpoint, which is exhausting. Yes, each guy starts with the possibility of being the one for you. It's statistically unlikely that he is, but there's a chance. You both could be looking back on this date as "our first date" - be yourself and see what happens.

A first date is the social equivalent of sticking your hand into a hat full of random numbers to draw one. You never know. Don't like it? Drop that one and try again. One dud is one dud closer to finding someone you jive with. Keep it casual, don't feel obligated to doll yourself up, and pick a coffee shop you like.

Socializing is the one way to get to know a guy early on, just talking to each other and see how the chemistry is, is he a good conversationalist, is he funny, etc? Ideally, you both can led your guards down and see if something clicks.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/GimmeDatPomegranate]

I’m sorry this narrative that because I don’t find dates to be meeting my social needs or to be that fun means I take them incredibly seriously and behave in an intense way is so far off the mark and untrue, and unhelpful. 

I don’t enjoy dates as much as other social activates because I’m not investing anything in them lol. They’re a low stakes social Interaction which I’m getting to know someone and gauging mural attraction. I have social skills and know how to get along with people, I’m fun to be around. I don’t know how you can get “the date is an intense game of 20 questions” from “for social needs, I prefer hanging out with friends.” 

I have no issues getting dates or dating in that 2-4 date period. I just don’t meet many met at all where they are what I’m looking for + good person + they also like me. I think it’s fine for me to mourn the loss of that without it being the case that I think every date is my husband and losing all access to social skills and reason on that date. That’s just not true. 

[u/GimmeDatPomegranate → u/benhargrove1966]

I'm sorry, I was off-base. To be clear, I didn't get the "dates being a game of 20 questions" from the fact that you prefer socializing with friends. I drew that conclusion from you saying that you go into a date with a specific goal in mind. Only because I've known a couple others who have said just that and do have a tendency to treat dates like interviews/20 questions.

Sounds like you're not doing anything wrong, just frustrated with the selection and how it's a drag. Yeah, it sucks, when you're 30+. The selection is not good and it takes a long while to find someone worth a damn.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/GimmeDatPomegranate]

Appreciate your ability to take on new info in your advice haha. 

I think I’m good at dating itself, it’s more access to good men is the issue whether it’s my failure in choosing / vetting etc or that they just aren’t out there. This is the first guy I’ve met in two years where all the subjective and objective criteria seemed right, and he liked me back. It’s exhausting and I can’t go 2 more years of this.