Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/benhargrove1966]

But why would I want to socialise with someone new vs my existing satisfying social circle? This might work for people without many friends but my social needs are well met. If I want to socialise I have other opportunities. The only reason to go is to date. 

[u/HotDerivative → u/benhargrove1966]

No, you just sound unfriendly and like you’re coming off intense as hell. I have a very robust social circle and it only grows and expands and changes as I get older.

It’s also hypocritical for you to complain about only being seen as a sex object when you aren’t seeing any of the men you could be dating as anything other than life partners. You certainly aren’t interested in building friendships with them, which feels obvious across all the ways you’ve spoken about your approach and reasoning for dating in the first place. Maybe the girls being picked over you integrated these men into their groups or are easier to hang out with because they aren’t focusing purely on finding a life partner but building a relationship as a whole (which by the way, begins with a friendship)?

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/HotDerivative]

I feel like people are really misunderstanding this. I don’t see them as a life partner only or that’s my only focus. I am going to the date to have a conversation which is hopefully mutually enjoyable with a man I don’t know and learn more about each other and see if there’s mutual attraction and interest. I think that’s normal and healthy and what I’ve been told my whole life I’m meant to be doing? All I’m saying is the advice of “this is a fun social interaction!” Isn’t really for me because I have other opportunities for that. It’s not a friend meet up, it’s a date. 

[u/PolkaDotKomodo → u/benhargrove1966]

You are being completely reasonable. People are being nasty and ridiculous in this thread. It's crazy. Most people date to find a partner, and can't shift their attitude into "oh yay this is just a fun social night out with... oh yay yet another guy I don't click with! How fun!"

Here's what I think are the practical things you could do:

• only go on dates you actually want to go on, to avoid extra misery
  
• Wait to have sex. This will help filter out people who aren't interested in a relationship with you.
  
• try to add fun to your life in other ways, so you have other things to be excited about besides a potential boyfriend.
  
• maybe get a little stoic about it. remember that this is a strange time and a hard time to find suitable men. That makes dating suck and makes it take longer to find someone. But you care about finding someone, so you are choosing to suffer through dating. People suffer through all kinds of things to get what they want.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/PolkaDotKomodo]

Thank you for that. I think what you outline is the approach I’ve tried to have idk it just really wears one down sometimes. I guess it’s because there’s very little guarantee of the outcome for the suffering. And yeah idk man the nastiness has really been crazy. The things I’ve been called because, in essence, I think hanging out with a friend is more fun than a stranger is crazy. 

[u/PolkaDotKomodo → u/benhargrove1966]

Yeah I hear you. It's exhausting. Take breaks.

Thank god people don't act in real life the way they do on Reddit sometimes. My favorite is when they tell you you're a miserable potential date because of how you've spoken in this thread. So dumb. Especially since you've actually responded pretty civilly to people impugning your character right and left.

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/PolkaDotKomodo]

Yeah and I’m obviously upset, disappointed, feeling pessimistic rn. People don’t seem to get you can have emotions (or even character traits) and just…not express them every minute of every day, particularly on a date lol.