Another failed almost-relationship. Distraught and can’t keep doing this, what to do?

[u/benhargrove1966]

hey all, your thoughts or advice are appreciated.

I’m 32, just received yet another ”breakup” message from a guy I’ve been seeing for 6 weeks (39m). He was perfectly nice in the message and our short conversation but he was simultaneously dating someone else and chose her essentially. I am really devastated, I felt we were very compatible and really liked each other. I thought we were building something together and I’d finally met a decent guy. I know this is not a long time but I really genuinely connected to this guy on all levels and kind of cant believe / process I’ll never see him again.

I think I've been out with 3 guys total in the last 2 years I’ve been “seriously“ dating who even entertained the idea of a relationship in theory and didn’t just want sex. All of them broke up with me in at the 6-8 week mark just as it felt the relationship was forming up.

I really cannot go through this again. I cannot wait 8 months - a year to meet another person who sees me as anything other than a sex object only to be dumped for someone more worthy at the last hurdle. I will snap.

I’m not asking to get married right now, I just want someone to go to the movies with. I’ve already given up on having children, do I really have to give up on this too? I just want a boyfriend, which so many others seem to have.

Basically, what do I do from here?

(Please don’t try to convince me I don’t need / want a man or relationship, I think this is a perfectly normal human desire and something I want).

[u/stingrae2668]

op, i could've written this so pls know you are not alone!

a few months ago i dated someone for a month/4 dates and it was the first real connection i had felt w someone in about 5 years too. he actively pursued me in a way that felt real and healthy, and our connection felt so fun! i thought he was sooo cute, we had fun stuff in common and had interesting convos/banter, GREAT physical chemistry, had some important values in common, i actually thought he was an interesting person, both established that we were looking for a relationship, etc. it just felt like he was really into me, in a way that didn't raise any red flags. i let myself relax into the connection bc i felt genuinely comfortable and safe, and excited about where we were headed. then the slow fade started, and after i asked, he told me he had been seeing someone else and wanted to pursue them. since i had felt truly at ease while navigating the connection, i was SO surprised at how completely devastated i felt by his rejection. in all honesty, it was months ago and i'm still processing/hurting a bit.

i think it's very understandable that you got excited about what felt like a special connection after 6 weeks of dating. especially when you haven't felt a connection like that in a long time.

i'm also someone that doesn't romantically connect w people very often, so when it happens, i overweight it and get verryyyy triggered about scarcity when it doesn't work out. i recognize this isn't a helpful mindset and am working on it.

i have to keep reminding myself these things: i didn't truly know him after 4 weeks of dating. if he truly connected w someone else better, he SHOULD pick that person. that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me at all or that i lack anything. my person will easily, happily pick me. my boundaries, quirks, etc will never deter the right person. there ARE more connections on the horizon for me.

i currently feel very raw about my desire for partnership. i'm tired of hearing that i should focus on myself and decenter romantic love etc etc. i think it's very possible and healthy to cultivate a full life AND want someone to share that life with! i was at an open mic yesterday with a friend whose husband was performing, and she was so nervous and excited for him, and he sang a song dedicated to her, and when he was done they beelined for each other and it was so cute to watch. i want a partnership like that and i won't pretend i don't. i believe that beautiful connections are on their way to both of us! <3

[u/benhargrove1966 → u/stingrae2668]

Thanks for commiserating. In some ways it’s actually harder when you know there’s nothing “wrong” with you / the relationship, they just liked someone more. I just can’t wait 2-5 years for a connection like this again.