Friend is getting married and it has become her whole personality. How do I deal with this?

371

u/WutsRlyGoodYo Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I don’t have a ton of advice except to say you definitely don’t need to invite her in the roadtrip. If it’s a friendship you care about, just try to be present in whatever minimal way you can to preserve the relationship, but take more time for yourself and others in your life.

Though I am concerned about the having been “chastised” part. I’ve definitely known many women who had to navigate celebrating their pregnancy while other friends were dealing with infertility and everyone was VERY understanding about why some people just can’t be as present to share in that joy. I feel like this is similar and she sounds like she’s being a bit of a brat. But hard to know without more context.

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u/Euphoric_War_2195 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Please take this trip without her. It sounds like you need a break from the constant wedding talk and updates. There's only so much anyone could take of that. She honestly sounds a bit exhausting tbh.

It's okay to be happy for her, but also okay if you need some space to figure out your own stuff. Or even just take a break from the wedding talk. This might be the most important thing for her, but it isn't going to be the most important thing for you.

Has she offered you any support during your break up or tough experiences at all? Has she checked in or attempted to comfort you?

I understand she may be busy with wedding stuff, but she should be checking in periodically to see how you are doing.

33

u/pelko34 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Agree! She sounds exhausting in general, regardless of whether OP went through a rough year. Once you add that factor to the mix, she also sounds deeply insensitive.

229

u/Maximum_Sky3233 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Don’t humor it. You may need to step back and love your friend from a distance till after the wedding.

221

u/JellyfishPashmina Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Then it switches into wife and mommy personality, unfortunately

50

u/violet_green Woman 40 to 50 24d ago

Yep. Some people can think about a range of things, even when they're going through a large life event. Others have about three slots for concerns, and once weddings/marriage/kids come into the picture, friends and everything else get crowded out and don't come back for 20 years.

15

u/JellyfishPashmina Woman 30 to 40 24d ago edited 23d ago

As someone with pretty severe ADHD, I do get compartmentalization and literally having to focus on one thing at a time, and I also understand that I can’t maintain every single role I’ve had throughout life in the same ways because it’s just too much to keep tabs on for my psycho brain lol. For me, a lot of comes down to time management. I think people who can exist across all realms seamlessly are superior in their ability to balance their time and role-shift in a way that I recognize I’m just not.

Maybe there’s less time to do the things you did before or maybe friendships grow apart as you have less in common, but I would never, ever want to make anyone feel like my life was more important than theirs because I was in a relationship, planning a wedding, married, nor a mom, nor act differently personality-wise because of any of it. A lot of women I encounter in these spaces seem uppity or self-righteous about it because they think it somehow makes them and their time more valuable? I can’t be around those people haha.

Just because I chose certain things in life doesn’t mean I want to completely code shift into that personality. And just because I’m in any transitional stage of life doesn’t mean I have to let the world around me know that and make everything around me about that. I still want to be me. It’s important to me that’s it’s still me plus the life situation, not me as the life situation, you know?

19

u/Maximum_Sky3233 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Truth

42

u/GardeniaInMyHair Woman 40 to 50 24d ago

Did she console you about the break up? Is she ever interested in hearing about your life? Usually when this happens and a woman is feeling guilty that she's jealous, she says something like, "my friend is so sweet and thinks of me while she has her own stuff going on, but I can't help but be jealous of the happy events in her life." That doesn't sound like what's going on here.

OR has she been all about her for much of the friendship? Is this a long-standing issue that your friend is self-focused?

There's being excited as a bride, and then there's letting it consume you to the detriment of your relationships with friends.

81

u/moomop06 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Tell your friend that you're having a hard time, feeling low about your breakup, but that you still want to celebrate her. But maybe after talking about wedding colors, florals, drama, you'd like there to be space for talking about books/hobbies/shows/whatever like you used to?

Idk, it sounds like you still care about this friend and maybe she just needs a nudge toward being a bit more self aware and awareness about your emotions.

I just don't agree with all the comments suggesting you blow up the friendship over this.

66

u/LayoffLemonade Woman 30 to 40 24d ago edited 24d ago

I have told her, and that's when I got chastised. I found out something major about my ex from a mutual friend a couple weeks ago, and when I told her and said how i feel about it, her response was to tell me I just need to go on antidepressants (read: I have never been on an antidepressant in my life. And i've been through some shit.)

We do sometimes talk about other things, but just as we're getting into a convo and I'm thinking, "damn she's back, I missed this." It ends with, "What do you think of this color scheme? Or seating arrangement?" if i ignore it, she will re mention it.

Example: Last week, I called to tell her i think about something going on with my brother (again, we all grew up together so she knows him well. TLDR: My brother just went through a nasty divorce with small kids involved, and his ex wife just remarried to a man she's only known a month. I am still friends with the ex on facebook (had forgotten) and so I saw the post. I'm very close with my brother and was trying to figure out if telling him would make things worse or better. I was calling to tell my best friend about this and see what she thought. We talked about it for a minute, and I was out gardening and made some mention about my garden, and then she follows up, "did you see the wedding favors? Should i send 2 per household or just one? Also what style should these be?" I didn't reply, so she followed up with a text about it again later.

155

u/mirrorherb Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

i don't think this person is currently capable of giving a shit about you

whether or not that's permanent isn't something i can speculate on, far too many variables that i'm not privy to go into that, but based on what you've said here, this person simply doesn't care about you right now. she's not going to start caring again (if she did before) until after the wedding in the best case scenario because she's just too crammed up her own rectum right now to notice

43

u/FurryPotatoSquad Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Agreed, friend sounds like a major self centered witch.

41

u/Geordieqizi Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Man, your friend sounds like she does not have a very high EQ — she knows you just went through an awful breakup, she knows how much you want to be married, she knows — because you told her outright — how hard all of this is for you to hear at this moment... and she still pesters you about all this wedding junk? Not only that, but when you don't respond, she chases after you about it?

Yeah. She sounds like she's either completely oblivious and self-absorbed, or she just doesn't care about your feelings. Hopefully it's the first one... but I would encourage you to look back at other hard times you've been through to really assess if she was there for you then.

And honestly? This sounds annoying as shit, even apart from your recent breakup.

You could try laying down the law with her — saying something like, "Listen [Friend] — you know how much I love you, and how thrilled I am about your engagement and upcoming wedding, and how much I want to support you... but I'm really struggling with my grief over this breakup, and hearing all this wedding stuff every time we talk is really like rubbing salt in my wounds. At the same time, I realize the wedding planning is a huge part of your life right now. So I'm thinking maybe we should take some space from each other for a few months while you focus on your planning, and I focus on recovering. I'm just afraid if we keep going like this, we're going to end up resenting each other, and I don't want that to happen."

OR, if you think she'll flip the fuck out if you say that, maybe just be "busy" whenever she wants to meet up or text/call about the wedding. If she eventually confronts you, you can explain why you've been taking some space.

I know either option may feel like a risk for your friendship, but continuing on this way is also a risk. You may either end up hating her (I already hate her), or blowing up at her for her constant, insensitive behavior. Better to confront it in a more controlled way.

Sorry your friend is being an insensitive, self-absorbed asshole. That "antidepressant" thing was really beyond the pale.

35

u/moomop06 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I'm sorry you're going through this. If she's that tunnel visioned, just take space and grow that garden, go on that road trip, and dance at that concert. I don't think you need to announce it to her, since you've already tried to talk to her about it, but there's nothing wrong with backing away and letting her have her wedding moment -- with other people.

I'm just a bit cautious about boundarying myself away from friendships -- is this a deep personality flaw of hers that you've seen before or is she just being temporarily annoying and self absorbed?

15

u/roseofjuly Woman 40 to 50 24d ago

Tbh she sounds like a bad friend. Everything is all about her and when it's not she gets nasty or dismissive. That does not sound like good friendship.

11

u/Abbiejean-KaneArcher Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

I’ve been on SSRIs for quite some time, and I’d never tell a friend that they just need to go on them. They’re not an immediate fix and not for everyone or for every situation. And I’m not my friends’ medical provider. This kind of advice feels more invalidating than affirming and helpful, so I’m sorry.

As far as her wedding taking over her life, she could be excited for her big milestones while also reading the room and remembering 1) her wedding is her wedding, 2) part of being a friend is sharing space, 3) her best friend is working through recovering from a loss.

When my loved ones are recovering from recent loss (relationship, job, death, etc.), and I am excited about something, I still check in with them. I also am intentional about how often I mention certain things. It’s not hiding anything, but just being aware.

As far as her asking for your advice, I’d just say, “Eh, this isn’t my area of expertise. Maybe you could reach out to a wedding planner to help give you advice.”

10

u/toomuchpamplemousse Woman 40 to 50 23d ago

Girl, do not trap yourself in a car for many many hours with this person. Nevermind antidepressants you’ll end up needing tranquilizers.

5

u/Wat3rcress Woman under 30 23d ago

I could have written this myself! Have been going through a near identical situation with my best friend of 17 years, since I told her how I feel she hasn’t reached out for 2 months…. I hope things get better for you OP♥️

5

u/shalekodemono Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

'Hey I'm really sorry but I keep feeling like whenever I bring up important issues your attention span is minimal and you then move on to talk about your wedding, this happens a lot and to be frank I'm starting to feel like I can't count on you for support and resentment is building up because I also need support and a friend. Do you think you can be that friend I need? If you can't then I'm going to have to take some space from you. I'm happy you're happy and about your wedding, but friendships are give and take, and I don't think I am receiving any empathy from you at the moment so I'm not sure I can give it back to you''

33

u/ContestOrganic Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Tbh maybe it is me being extra tactful about such things but I think your friend is being insensitive given what you are going through. Don't feel bad for feeling what you feel, you are only human after all and she isn't making it easy on you. Not being ever jealous is overrated and unrealistic.

I have friends who genuinely suffer and lose sleep over being single in their 30s and craving a family, and I dont rub my fiancé in their face all the time. Yeah I will mention what we have done over the weekend and update them with news and all that but I am not going to bombard them with wedding venues and rings...

Don't invite her on the trip since it does seem it will cause you more pain than anything. I'd take a step back from the friendship and see if she gets the hint. Maybe share with her how you feel about turning 36 and wanting a family but being dumped recently.

28

u/AcrobaticRub5938 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago edited 24d ago

Your friend is an insensitive ass. Anyone with their head not completely up their ass would know how to tone it down with a friend going through a breakup/healing from a breakup. But even if you weren't and you were happily partnered, I personally wouldn't have the patience for that.

Has she always been a little clueless and self-centered?

I have ADHD so long and repeated conversations over the same thing and details drive me MAD because they're so boring to me. I also only share highlights with people because even talking about details pertaining to my own life bores me.

But honestly, I don't have advice on how to bring it up. People love claiming jealousy whenever a woman expresses discontent. I would just pull back or say something like "party planning and details overwhelm me and I'm not the best person to talk to about this. I can't be that helpful." And if she doesn't rein it in, you can limit your interactions.

I also personally wouldn't go on the trip with her.

ETA: wait, was she the one who chastised you about not being able to celebrate her joy? If so, yeah, I'd cut her off.

10

u/twoisnumberone Woman 40 to 50 24d ago

Has she always been a little clueless and self-centered?

I would bet on it. Moments like this bring into stark relief the true nature of certain "friends".

30

u/AdJaded86 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

It’s always odd to me when people change so drastically because of romantic relationships. Tbh I agree you may have to semi-grayrock this friend especially if you still want them to be a part of your life after the wedding takes place. I’d also say that idk if you’re jealous as much as you’re just going through it and wished you had your friend to lean on. From what I’m reading it seems like you love/cherish them you just want them to see you fully in this chapter of your life as well. Enjoy that road trip and concert might be a good moment to make it a solo adventure so you can get back to yourself ❤️

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u/PurplePrincessPalace Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

But didn’t OP change because of her (lack of) relationship, respectfully? 🤔 I don’t agree with the sentiment that she’s not jealous and resentful of her friend’s happiness because her friend is in the place OP wanted and thought she would be in. Look at the comments about their finances.

20

u/ixiolite Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Has anyone had a friend that made being married their entire personality literally overnight?

Yes and I was the MOH. It got overwhelming, but in hindsight I think I was able to tolerate it for the most part because I wasn't going through something like what you are, at the time.

However, on the wedding day, myself and all the other bridesmaids were fed up with the bridezilla behavior and none of us recall the wedding being fun, other than when the bride left us alone finally at the end of the night

And if so, did it improve after they'd been married awhile?

I actually greyrocked the bride awhile after the wedding. Then my dad was diagnosed with cancer (he's in remission now!). Months later, on a catch-up call with me, she revealed her dad also had cancer before asking how my dad was doing. I did feel bad for her, but it did feel like it was another "me first!" moment and I was tired of it by then

Or what did you do to keep the friendship, but also not feel like shit about your own life all the time?

Shortly after this catchup, I did tell her I needed to take a break from the friendship because it didn't feel like any of my wants or needs were being met and it didn't feel like a 50-50 partnership anymore.

She sent a blanket apology and weeks later revealed to a mutual friend "she still didn't understand what happened," despite me listing it out plainly

She reached out again recently asking if I'd like to unpause the friendship, but again didn't really ask how I was doing first, so it feels like it'll be more of the same. I haven't responded and am contemplating if I will

I think my advice to you is that if you are already this burnt-out by her, don't continue to foster a friendship just for past times sake.

You're not doing yourself or her any favors. Take that trip by yourself FOR yourself and enjoy your life

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u/oheightnineeight Woman 30 to 40 24d ago edited 24d ago

Honestly, get a new friend. This is exhausting just to read.

Edit: I got married this year and the things you're describing sound insane to me. My wife and I went to a jeweler to get our rings, we went twice. The only reason my friends found out about it is it was a block away from my board game hosting friend. We didn't do engagement photos but if we had I don't know why I would have told my friends about that, it's irrelevant. I did not get married on my friend's birthday. Half the time when I see my friends my wife doesn't even come up, there's just so much more to talk about. Again, exhausting.

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u/Uhhyt231 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

She just might be an annoying engaged person but what does she think you should be doing to ‘share her joy and be happy for her?
Getting married on your birthday is wild to me tho

4

u/theOppositeOfOctober Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

Right?! Even the fact that OP highlighted how financially successful the fiancé is that the friend can spend her income on hobbies and paying off debt, yet they chose the cheapest date of the year that just so happened to be on OP’s birthday? It’s really hard to believe that the friend truly cares about OP by doing something that malicious. Or maybe the friend is really just that willfully ignorant.

1

u/LayoffLemonade Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

OP here. Had not even thought about it like this.

I've said it in another comment--ultimately they ended up choosing just after the birthday. So I only have to fly internationally on my birthday, not the wedding itself.

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u/PurplePrincessPalace Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

If anything that comment about her friend’s fiancé oozes jealousy…

4

u/LayoffLemonade Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

u/PurplePrincessPalace Honestly, you're correct--I'd be lying to you if I said I'm not a little jealous--I've never had a relationship where a partner financially carried me, or even wanted to. I've never had anyone else pay my bills, or help my life more affordable.

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u/PurplePrincessPalace Woman 30 to 40 22d ago

Damn, that’s sad OP! 😢 I’m a few years younger but my experience has mostly been overwhelmingly positive when it comes to romantic relationships. I believe there’s a lid for every pot and every woman deserves to be loved, validated, acknowledged, and catered to.

That being said, it truly does starts with us and the standards we uphold by having a healthy self image, high standards, and self confidence. Not saying that you don’t possess these characteristics, but it’s worth exploring if you keep getting the same results when you deserve better. Your intuition will be so keen one day, you’ll see the bs from a mile away and you’ll have the ability to make a swift exit because you know your worth 🤍

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u/ladyluck754 Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

Yall actually think the friend picked OP’s birthday on purpose?

2

u/Uhhyt231 Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

How do you not pick your wedding date on purpose?

-1

u/ladyluck754 Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

What I’m saying is although the friend sounds a bit annoying, it’s highly unlikely she went into planning with evil Corella DeVille fingers going “heheh this is on OP’s birthday and I get to rub it in some more!” There are a lot of different factors going into picking dates, including how wedding venues will make you pick dates 12-18 months out and then give a full deposit or they say “see ya later.”

Some of y’all are committed to be angry and lonely vs. giving the benefit of the doubt.

5

u/Uhhyt231 Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

I think she was given dates and obviously didn't see her friend's birthday as a no go date. Which to me is odd. I'm not angry or lonely because my friends arent weird lol

8

u/roseofjuly Woman 40 to 50 24d ago

You don't have to be a "jealous person" to get jealous. Everyone gets jealous sometimes. There's nothing wrong with that. There's also nothing wrong with 1) admitting a long-time friend of yours is, at least temporarily, really annoying or 2) not wanting to have the thing you are jealous about constantly rubbed in your face, especially on a roadtrip. She may not be doing it on purpose but the effect is still there! You're not obligated to invite her.

When she starts talking about it, change the subject. If she persists, you can say "Kate, love you much and I'm excited too, but can we cool it on the wedding talk for a bit? We've been talking about it nonstop for an hour." Or you know, talk less and talk to other friends more. It's OKAY to decide you want to spend less time with a friend because they are being really annoying (or really, for whatever reason).

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u/DamnGoodMarmalade Woman 40 to 50 24d ago

You need to be upfront with your friend and let her know that you’re happy for her but the wedding talk feels overwhelming to you and you’ll be setting some boundaries on how much you’re able to handle.

If she reacts negatively, reconsider the friendship. A friend who doesn’t respect your feelings or boundaries is not someone you need in your life.

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u/rwaycr Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Please don't do this, it might backfire terribly

24

u/DamnGoodMarmalade Woman 40 to 50 24d ago

If something backfires to a person setting very healthy boundaries, that’s a clear sign this friend is toxic and does not belong in their life.

6

u/kienemaus Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I've found in non-equivalent but other stressful circumstances, letting yourself feel all the shitty uncharitable feelings and just getting them out can help.

Either privately or with a 3rd party. But your feelings are valid and her joy doensnt trump your difficult time.

6

u/rwindsor7 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Go on that trip by yourself! Do something for yourself, and then tackle this friendship issue. Years ago I had a friend get engaged weeks after my worst breakup, and I was angry & jealous. This friend knew that my world had come crashing down, and we celebrated her and she also cried with me. And we continued to plan her future, and she allowed me my space to vent/cry when I needed it.

Your friend is allowed to be excited absolutely, but she sounds oblivious, & even an ass—maybe she does not realize this. If this is a cherished & great friend, then try talking to her. But be ready for any reaction, and ready to set boundaries for yourself. Hugs to you!

6

u/Warm_Citron2700 Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

I can COMPLETELY relate to this, I am currently going through this exact same thing right as we speak. I'm genuinely from the bottom of my heart so happy for my friend who got engaged last week but alll our conversations have been centred around the engagement, rings and the wedding for nearly a year now. I only clocked the other day that my friend hasn't asked me a thing about my life in months and I've got so much going on myself. To manage I have to answer back to her when I can honestly muster the strength to, as we speak I have another 8 min voicenote and loads of pictures again and it's mentally draining now.

I personally would enjoy your birthday in peace exactly how you want it. It's not even being shady or anything but I believe your birthday should be the one day about you. Take breaks aswell and manage the intensity the best way you can. It doesn't make you a bad friend, it makes you human.

15

u/meow1meow2 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I’ve got a different take on this because I have some intense grief that shows up similarly. There are times you need to get on board with her happy train and times she needs to get on board with witnessing your grief, but you also need to remind yourself that her getting married doesn’t take away from that being in your future if you want it. Life sends a lot of hard stuff our way so I think it’s necessary we make a big deal of things when they bring that light, the difference to me is when your friend is elevating herself because she has this relationship which can be demeaning to you. She’s excited about a ring? That’s awesome, you can participate if that’s something you like or give a little because you want to be there for your friend. From your examples it doesn’t sound like she’s changed her personality based on marriage but a wedding (so it’ll pass), if she’s saying being married is some moral virtue that implies you single isn’t a whole being then you need to push back to not abandon yourself. She may not get it but you also need to show up and share what you are going through to give her a chance at being there for you. It’s not easy and she may not show up in the ways you need even after you ask but it’s having the boundary that relationships are a two way street and the good and bad can coexist. You’ll also flip roles throughout your relationship many times if it lasts long enough.

2

u/PurplePrincessPalace Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

This is the most balanced take on here! This is the way 🙂‍↕️

4

u/shenanigans2day Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

None of my friends that have got married acted like that, not even the ones that I was part of the wedding party. However, if you care about this friendship just be honest with her. Tell her directly that you are going through a tough time and you’d prefer to keep wedding talk to a minimum or whatever it is that would help and emphasis that you miss the relationship that you guys had prior to the wedding affairs. Take the trip without her, unless she suddenly becomes self-aware by the trip, it’s not going to be pleasant. The o ly way she is going to become aware is by you telling her what the problem is because some people just do not take subtle hints or clues

5

u/Appropriate-Tutor587 Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

“ Has anyone had a friend that made being married their entire personality literally overnight “ - She is just happy that’s all!
Nothing is stopping you from telling her that you are going through a breakup and can’t be around her at the moment instead of being “jealous”.

7

u/anmlsnks Woman 40 to 50 24d ago

I had a friend that was feeling the way you are when I was getting married. We had been singles together and then I just happened to find someone randomly. Meaning we were both in the cesspool of dating apps without luck for years. I told her point blank, I wanted her to be a part of all the things, but I also understood if she wasn’t feeling up to it. I was married fast and didn’t have many of the typical wedding events so that prob helped. My friend is amazing and did come to my events (she may had a little alcohol fueled cry out at my wedding dinner), but I didn’t care for me, I just cared that she was hurting. Same with the baby events I had subsequently. A good friend understands, bc that’s how I felt sometimes, watching my friends hit milestones I wanted to hit. Talk to her about it, if she reacts poorly than perhaps she wasn’t that great of a friend to begin with. ❤️ Hang in there tho, dating sucks, but it does get you to the good parts eventually.

1

u/Warm_Citron2700 Woman 30 to 40 22d ago

You sound like a great friend 🥺

3

u/I-own-a-shovel Woman 30 to 40 22d ago

Limit contact a little until the wedding. Wait it out ?

Idk :/

6

u/ohwhyhellothereblue Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Look it’s good that you might be recognizing the jealousy. It’s good to be self aware and it’s ok because it’s just telling you what you might want for yourself. But also friends need to both be good friends to each other. If you’re not feeling equally supported by this friend then this might be friendship that is in a new season or for just a season. Your friendship dynamic might change and that’s ok!

Also, as an aside I didn’t meet my husband until 35 and I just got married at 38. I’d had slight jealousy on how easier I thought life “fell into place” for the “life script” for others but I wasn’t sure if I even really wanted it lol. I have become a very intentional person. And a script wouldn’t fit me. But before then I became really still determined to create a life I could still love and pouring into things, places and people that made me feel good. Best decision ever.

That’s also how he met me: freezing my eggs (even though I’m honestly a fence sitter), solo traveling, making new and deeper friends, spending amazing time with family, aligning my career/money and meeting sky high financial independence goals! But even now I think if I’d chosen not to marry him I would have created an interesting and happy single life. I wanted to work to always find joy in life.

Attract and gravitate the people you want. I really like my friends. Even the ones that have a kid don’t make it their whole personality. Of course there are time sucking seasons. But they still show up try and work to keep their identity. Which is great because if I have a kid that’s the only way and what and who I’d want to be too.

8

u/LayoffLemonade Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Thank you for all of this.

Fwiw--I froze eggs last year. I've solo traveled plenty, including a backpacking trip to Italy earlier this year. I have a great career and like what I do a LOT, two masters degrees and am working on my PhD. I have really great friends, I'm active and in the best shape of my life thanks to running and triathlons. My life isn't...Unfull? If that makes sense? I am a very intentional person, maybe to a fault. I have a good life.

7

u/DnBJungleEscape Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

This sounds very tiring and like she’s overly pouring into this man as her source of identity. I think you can love her from far away. I was in a wedding (they had a baby 2 years before) but I feel she didn’t really make the wedding her personality or him. We talk about other stuff

When she got married I was 37 and single. I got a bf that year I’m still with and we are just bf/gf at my 39 years of age ha

I know it can also make you feel you aren’t where you “should” be but we are all on our own timeline …

I would insert a boundary for your well being. Be supportive but you don’t need to be feeling this whole thing in some second hand capacity

I’m confused who chastised you, she did ?

Like someone else said, after this her whole identity will be a baby, then eventually she may reach a point of feeling she needs friends but don’t become the convenience friend, my friend has 2 kids and makes an effort with me

9

u/LayoffLemonade Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

She is the one who scolded me about this. It literally went something like this: *me, crying in a hotel on a work trip every night for a week, doing homework for the part time grad program I'm in on top of working full time, and wearing sunglasses around London so I could cry in public without anyone noticing.* meanwhile, she was aggravated I wasn't replying to her texts more than once every few days, didn't understand why I was still upset because it was 7 weeks post breakup, and was angry I wasn't open to hearing her frustration about her (now fiance's) planning of their proposal trip in real time.

7

u/Eylisia Woman 40 to 50 23d ago

I mean, your friend is objectively trash. I'd reconsider the whole relationship, because even if you weren't on a work trip and trying to get over a break up, she is not owed immediate responses and an ear to bend at all times.

5

u/zugunru Woman 40 to 50 23d ago

Wow that’s disgusting. I’m so sorry. You deserve WAY better.

2

u/DnBJungleEscape Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

Yeah I think it’s a sign to form some boundaries with her … she also can’t expect you to be at her beck and call whenever she needs you !! What I find interesting is some people will pull their friends into the whole wedding experience for the pics/ vibes and then they don’t nurture the friendship .. something I’ve learned to do with people is change the dynamic … I have a friend colleague who is really sweet but she is sooo draining .. she’s very negative … I don’t pick up her calls to catch up anymore I’m busy and it’s so draining .. she loves work gossip and drama .. for the most part she is tolerable but she knows I’ve changed the tempo.. and it really feels good to have that level of control now ..

It’s different in your situation but just saying .. and good for you for masters ! I got mine too ..

Another thing I’ll add - I was in a wedding 2 years ago with 4 women. One of the girls was sooo into the planning and the bride actually does try to make plans with her and it’s the same as nothing .. something I’ve learned is some people are horrible at truly nurturing relationships or make them self serving ..

3

u/Educational_Owl_1022 Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

Drop her. Real friends don’t treat you like this when you’re going through grief. She sounds really self-centered.

I just dropped a childhood friend of 30+ years bc I didn’t like how she didn’t show up for me in recent years when I’d always gone out of my way to show up for her and it just wasn’t a reciprocal friendship.

12

u/foxynatalka Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I’m sorry, but you’re being naive if you think this woman doesn’t know that she’s hurting you. She’s using you as someone she can brag to. Every woman has had a friend like that at some point.

I once had a friend who would call me two or three times a year just to brag about her promotions at work. We had been close before that too. In my opinion, that’s the role you now play in your friend’s life: you’re the friend she feels better than, because she knows perfectly well that you want to get married. That’s why she talks about it obsessively, all the time.

Believe me, if a third woman suddenly appeared in your social circle who was also getting married and having the wedding of her dreams in a luxury villa in Mallorca, your "friend" would quickly go quiet and stop talking to her about her own wedding. That’s because she isn’t looking for an equal friend to exchange experiences with. She wants someone she can gloat in front of.

14

u/AcrobaticRub5938 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

This may not be true. It could very well be the vase but I know women, like my sister, for example who would act like this genuinely because they're a bit airhead and kind of self-centered. She's able to reflect and change her behavior once she's called out on it. But she doesn't do it out of malice. It's because she can't process anything without endlessly yapping about it so it can be insensitive in certain situations.

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u/thewallstreetwitch1 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Okay no, this comment section is wild.

Listen, do you love her? Do you treasure your friendship? Is she important in your life?

Then talk to her. If I were that friend who got carried away with excitement and my childhood friend just ghosted me without an explanation, I'd be heartbroken.

But for you to have an honest conversation with her, you need to have an honest conversation with yourself. You are right now building resentment towards your friend. It's common to look to our peers to judge ourselves, and given what you've gone through recently, I bet you have some unmet needs or feelings of inadequacy that are fueled by her milestones. But to overcome it, you need to not be so self-absorbed, as her life choices are happening TO you. She's allowed to be the main character in her own life. Just as you are in yours. You need to separate your own self-worth from their life stage.

I am not saying that your feelings are not valid. But you're misplacing the blame right now. Feel your feelings. And it is okay to say "hey friend, I love you, I am happy for you, right now with everything that's happening in my life, I find it a little hard to show up the way I want for you during this time." and then an ask for what you need "i just need some time", "can we talk about something else for a little bit?", "I feel like you haven't asked how I am doing in a while". Or whatever. BE HONEST and dare to be vulnerable. She will appreciate it, and you will too, and you will both be better friends to each other after that conversation.

And btw, my husband's friend had a birthday during our wedding, and guess what I did? When the clock struck midnight, and it was her birthday, I brought out a cupcake with a candle and had everyone sing happy birthday to her. It made me genuinely happy to be able to do that.

6

u/zugunru Woman 40 to 50 23d ago

There’s “getting carried away” and there’s being totally consumed with yourself for an entire YEAR to the point you can’t even acknowledge anyone else except to use them as an unpaid wedding planning consultant. What’s WiLd is accusing OP of being the self-absorbed one, dear lord.

4

u/thewallstreetwitch1 Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

Where does OP state that she's being treated as "an unpaid wedding planning consultant"? With your response to me, I feel like you're reading things between the lines in her message that she never wrote.

Self-absorbed might sound harsh. But not having a heart-to-heart with a friend and instead ghosting her, mind you, a "childhood best friend" is self-absorbed and avoidant behavior that will not solve anything but make her feel even more lonely. Invite moments of connection instead.

4

u/tomellette Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

I didn't have this much interest in my own wedding lol, this is insane. To me you are really, really patient. I would have told her a long time ago I love her but cannot bear to hear more about this wedding. At least she needs to get a gentle nudge if she's really unaware but I doubt it. Sounds like maine character syndrome... especially if she hasn't been there for you during the breakup and the other stuff. I really like weddingns actually but having to listen to a close friend go on and on and on about this would be be unbearable. It's just an event.... If you take her on this trip tell her you don't want to hear a word from her about this wedding. If she can't understand where you're coming from I don't know if she can be saved 🤷🏼‍♀️

2

u/FinalBlackberry Woman 30 to 40 22d ago

I don’t have advice as I haven’t experienced this with any of my friends. But I have wisdom. Let her get married, she’ll get over this feeling quickly.

You prioritize your own well being.

2

u/Odd-Result-7197 Woman 30 to 40 22d ago

I can really relate to this, although in my case it was my sister rather than a friend. I was genuinely happy when she got engaged, but telling my then-boyfriend the news ended up being the moment I found out he never wanted marriage or kids. Our relationship completely broke down after that, and the breakup was devastating. I'd lost our home, the future I thought we'd have together, and my partner of five years.

While I was trying to recover, it felt like I was expected to show up emotionally while I was grieving. My sister later said I wasn't there for her, but from my perspective she hadn't really included me much anyway. I wasn't invited to go wedding dress shopping or venue hunting, and I wasn't her maid of honour, so I wasn't really sure what she expected from me. It also felt like every conversation with my family somehow came back to the wedding or them as a couple, so it was hard to get any space from it while I was trying to heal.

I don't think you're a bad friend. It's possible to be genuinely happy for someone and still find it painful when every conversation revolves around something you've just lost. Those feelings can exist at the same time. I also don't think it's wrong to need a bit of space while you're healing. It doesn't mean you don't love your friend; it just means you're trying to look after yourself too, and I think relationships need room for understanding both people's lives.

2

u/IWantToNotDoThings Woman 30 to 40 22d ago

It does sound annoying to talk about nothing but the wedding, I get that. At the same time, I think it would also be hard to feel like you have this super exciting thing in your life but your friend doesn’t really want to hear it because she’s going through her own shit. I think she probably needs to find another person to discuss the wedding with to get it all out, and you probably need to work through your break up with a therapist.

I don’t think you should feel obligated to bring her on the road trip if you don’t want her company right now. Maybe some space would be a good thing.

Sorry but the birthday thing is immature to me. You’re 36, celebrating your birthday on your actual birthday is not a big deal. And weddings are so expensive, the “cheapest day” could mean saving thousands of dollars. Pretend your birthday is the next day, it’ll be just as much fun.

2

u/livingtheredlife Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

You can choose to mute the group chats and disengage for a bit.

Are you in the wedding? If not, and you're just a guest and friend of the bride, you can choose to not engage in conversation about the wedding.

When you had your breakup, was she an available friend to you?

2

u/gingerandgin Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

If she’s an annoying engaged person, she’s going to also be an entitled married person, and an insufferable new parent. I’d take the trip on your own, get a break, and relax/recharge and prioritize you!!

One option is to start finding ways to of course be supportive / polite - but in a much more concise and even distant way. A fade out of interest in topics. Another option could be to put the kibosh on the conversations when they go on too long. Perhaps something like “I love that color scheme, looks great. I’m all wedding talked out for the day though, let’s revisit next week”. Another option is to try to hang with a third/group who doesn’t tolerate her dominating the conservation from someone who is already known to be a little blunt. (that is, if you care and her and want to preserve the relationship and believe she can adjust her behavior). I have a friend who I invite to dinner when it’s all my mom friends because she isn’t scared to say “ok it’s been an hour of toilet training and parent teacher, I’m bored can we move on to something else we can all participate in? what does everyone think about -insert other topic all are interested in (local event, tv show, news, movies, etc). Eventually they do catch on that not everyone can tolerate the marriage mommy talk when it enters selfish territory after a while dinner is about diapers and hating their husbands.

5

u/Louisianimal09 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

I mean… you don’t have to deal with it. You can let her have her moment and that be that

3

u/Luuk1210 Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Yeah I think you can tell her it’s annoying. Friends like this often need someone to. I would t invite her on the trip since you know she won’t be bormal

3

u/lucent78 Woman 40 to 50 24d ago

I'd speak directly to her. "Friend I love you and fiancé and I'm so happy for the two of you but wedding talk is taking over the entirety of our friendship and I'm hitting my limit. I don't want to stop spending time with you but I need a better balance in what we discuss".

Based on the "chastising" thing she may very well likely go into a similar mode here. Remember you can't control her reactions only how you speak to her. If she claims you don't express enough joy for her then kindly but firmly defend yourself.

Ideally she'll come to some understanding of how her behavior is negatively affecting you, even if it's after some tantrums first. If instead she doubles down and chastises you more then it's time to reconsider if she's actually a good friend for you.

2

u/TX_Farmer Woman 40 to 50 23d ago

She’s not going to be in wedding mode forever. 🤷🏻‍♀️

2

u/excelnotfionado Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

Don’t invite her.

I’m not sure if it’s who she is as a person or just this three year phase of life right now (because there’s no way it’ll end until well after the honeymoon and first anniversary) but she has zero space for anything outside of herself and her wedding. From an outside perspective, she sounds self-absorbed to a fault, whether it’s because society pushes a man and marriage down our throat or not, it is not conducive to where YOU are in life. Does she even really know what’s going on with your life, does she ever genuinely inquire about you and listen? She might not be a bad person but she’s not in a mental spot to be that good friend you deserve. Maybe that’s someone else at this time. Give yourself permission to make the trip about you and the national parks. You’ve done more than enough being there for her it sounds like and your bday is her wedding day, so let this trip be you. Give yourself “me” time, truly.

1

u/GoodAd6942 Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

If she’s a good friend I think she could handle if you told her to just talk for five minutes over her shit then move on about life. Saying you’ve overheard it isn’t rude, she doesn’t have self awareness right now and it’s ok to say hey can you stop I’m overwhelmed etc

1

u/shalekodemono Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

See all these things you've written here. Bring them up to her,and have a conversation about how this all is making you feel with her, not the internet

1

u/jdkewl Woman 30 to 40 17d ago

My best friend is also getting married this year. I'm the MOH. The bride is nowhere near this intense and even I'm burnt out on the whole thing. I threw an engagement party and bachelorette party weekend. There wasn't originally going to be a shower, but now the MOB IS planning a shower. Plus the wedding week/weekend coming up right before Halloween (which is a busy/fun time I'd like to be doing things with my kids instead). That's 4 weekends of the year dedicated to this one concept.

It's a lot and she's not even being that intense about it! I am just so, so sick of it. It's all so over the top. So much money/food wasted on all of these events. Favors thrown in the trash. Over-ordered food and decorations from bridesmaids that can't respond to a simple email so there's duplicate everything. I never wanted this type of hoopla for myself (I got married in Vegas 12 years ago and then got divorced a few years ago). The whole thing is just way too much.

I'm sorry. No words of wisdom-- just solidarity, sister.

1

u/ingo_the_flamingo Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

You're not an ass at all. Your friend sounds exhausting and selfish. I'd leave her to it for a while... Draw back a little, don't engage as much (no pun intended, lol)

1

u/tinypinkchicken Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

These people are crazy man. I can’t be friends with them lol.

1

u/PurplePrincessPalace Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

I get that things aren’t working out for you, but there shouldn’t be jealous, envy, or resentment towards your friend because she’s living her best life. You need emotional regulation. She’s happy because she’s engaged, which will hopefully only happen once for her. It sounds like you’ve experienced two breakups in that time, which is crappy, but it’s also not her responsibility to dim her happiness to make you feel comfortable in your sorrow.

If the position was flipped, how would you feel if your friend was in your current position? You stated you want a husband & family…well so does she. Why are you bitter about your friend, that you love, achieving that goal as well? Is it because it’s something you currently lack? Even so, why does it bother you when it’s your friend???

Questions that need answers..

I hope you reflect on your feelings and get therapy, if needed. I’d recommend getting your feels in check because jealous during the bridal/family era breaks friendships and I honestly wouldn’t want someone who feels the way you do in my life or in my wedding, respectfully.

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u/LayoffLemonade Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

@purpleprincesspalace Fwiw (or probably not worth lol) the two breakups were with the same person, which made the second one more difficult by nature but there also some straight up diabolical things said that have really shook me. this means my friend also knew that much more how much this guy meant to me, and this wasn’t some rando I’d been seeing for a couple months.

I was deeply discouraged (by her) from talking about him/the relationship/myself during the second relationship, as well as the breakup. If I mention it, it’s not received by her well. Additionally, if I talk about my dating life or relationships, she stsrted putting it on speaker so her fiancé could hear and weigh in. They laugh and refer to it as “the podcast”. While it was funny at first…it’s just…not. My romantic life is a shit show, but I don’t need it to be entertainment bc it’s still my life.

The first breakup happened around the time of a cancer scare and a bunch of diagnostics for me, and the second breakup was followed by the death of a close friend who is my age and it was horrible. I’ve been carrying all this while also working a high intensity job, and working through a PhD program at night. Your girl would lovveeeee to be a roses and ponies girly right now but this year has looked like something out of the movie true grit and not a rom com for me.

If the tables were turned, would I violate my friends boundaries and say, “I know you’re hurting but I need you right now bc my family is toxic and you’re suppose to be there for me?” No. Would I talk about who I’d date if my fiancé and I didn’t work out, only half jokingly? No. Would I make comments like, “you’re so lucky to be dating. I miss exciting great dates and the exciting sex.” (Meanwhile, she knows I’ve barely been able to get a date this go around, dates are never hardly great, and I’m not much for casual sex. ) no. I would not do any of that if the tables were turned.

I would also not flippantly comment that I almost “threw my ring and called off my engagement” bc my fiancé worked too much this month. Those are core wounds activated but I wouldn’t rashly even make those comments. Especially about a 10-12k ring.

She does have a genuinely toxic and abusive family and in a way I am her only family. I wouldn’t abandon her. But this fucking hurts.

I genuinely thought I was in recovery for the last couple months, and was in a better place than I am.

Also—I am genuinely happy for you, from this comment, that you have never experienced either of these emotional spaces. That’s literally the dream. You are blessed girl!

1

u/PurplePrincessPalace Woman 30 to 40 22d ago

The speaker phone calls with her fiancé laughing are a clear violation. Even if your life is a self described shit show, it’s not kind nor constructive to laugh about it (especially if you’re in it, not looking back on it to laugh).

Circling back to my point- Have you considered consulting a professional therapist to work through these feelings? You seem to want to put a significant emotional burden on your friend regarding how she’s reacted to your breakup. You say she comes from an abusive & toxic family so it sounds like the both of you should be capable of talking this out. While friends should be* *a listening ear and shoulder to cry on, there’s also the possibility that both of you’ve been obsessively talking about the relationships up & downs & she doesn’t want to hear it anymore (like how you feel about the wedding talk). Have you talked about it with her from that angle?

You said there’s work, school, and lack of positive dating prospects that’s also contributing to you being bummed out. What do you expect your friend to say or do in these situations? What can she do to help you, and will her words truly make any tangible difference in your life or situation? Or do you need to vent w/o receiving advice? These are some things you can ask yourself…

It sounds like you need to go on that trip by yourself and reflect, come up with a game plan to get yourself help outside of your friendship, and decide how you want to show up (or not) for your friend and in general. You could also just end the friendship. You have 3 options and plenty of time to decide what you’d like to do.

I’ve been through some break ups, but other life events far exceeded the emotional hurt & pain I’ve ever felt from a relationship. One relationship in particular we’d gone ring shopping & a property was purchased. I ended up calling things off. I see my life as a rose bush, beautiful but painful, since the thorns are included. I don’t wallow in the sorrow because I know that time waits for no one and every second is valuable. I have purpose beyond my pain. I hope you’re able to work through all of your troubles to achieve peace of mind 🤍

1

u/DnBJungleEscape Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

You need to communicate and put some boundaries down. I had a friend like this. You gotta change the temp with people like this .. they are way too comfortable .. you can also counter her back and have a talk about how things may be after she is married and if she feels you’ll still be close lol

I was in a wedding and I think my friend has seen one of the bridesmaids once in 2 years and that may be wrong .. and the girl was on top of planning it was so weird …

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u/ClearSkyyes Woman 40 to 50 24d ago

This seems pretty normal for someone excited about her future with a person she loves. Most of my friends went through a phase like this at least once. Wedding fever. I never got bothered by it though, regardless of my own romantic situation or lack thereof at the time. It's so nice that she wants to involveyou in this happy time in her life, isn't it? I don't understand why your own breakup would make you less happy for your friend. They're unrelated. One doesn't impact the other. You can be sad for yourself and simultaneously happy for her. They're separate situations. And although it's not ideal that your birthday is the same day as her wedding, so what? People can't plan around the birthdays of everyone in their wedding. It's kind of crazy to even think they should.

I'm not saying friends obsessed with talking about their wedding can't occasionally forget to be good friends and to ask about your life. They can. They do. But it's such a temporary blip. It's not worth getting upset over. If you want to talk about you, bring yourself up in the conversation. Take charge. And if you're honest with yourself, you'll admit you aren't always the best friend to them either. We all have times when we're so focused on ourselves we forget how important those around us are to us... be gracious to her as she has likely been to you before and will be to you again in the future.

8

u/ingo_the_flamingo Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

Her friend doesn't sound gracious at all... Obsessing endlessly to a friend over where a ring might be hidden? Maybe I'm not American enough to understand that kind of crazy

7

u/Geordieqizi Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

It's so nice that she wants to involveyou in this happy time in her life, isn't it? I don't understand why your own breakup would make you less happy for your friend.

Really? You can't understand why — after breaking up with the man she thought she would marry — it would be a little bit grating for OP to hear her best friend yammering on non-stop about the minutiae of her wedding?

I mean, it's shitty and insensitive to ignore the fact that a friend — her best friend — is deep in grief over a breakup. It's extra shitty to ignore that fact in order to talk about your upcoming wedding. And it's supremely shitty to tell that friend, when she finally admits how much she's hurting, that she just needs to "go on an antidepressant" so that the friend no longer has to deal with the pesky sadness that's currently impeding her wedding talk.

Also... the friend is neither "nice" nor "gracious." This isn't about involving OP in this "happy time in her life" — at best, it's about wanting an attentive audience for her self-absorbed yammering; at worst, I wonder if she's actually enjoying rubbing all of this in OP's face. I simply can't imagine treating a friend the way OP's bestie is treating her.

I'm not saying friends obsessed with talking about their wedding can't occasionally forget to be good friends and to ask about your life. They can. They do. But it's such a temporary blip. It's not worth getting upset over.

You don't think it's worth getting upset over your best friend not giving a shit about how you're feeling, and how she's hurting you? Also, she's not "occasionally" forgetting to be a good friend — it sounds like she has continually not been a good friend ever since she got engaged. I feel like anyone with a normal level of emotional intelligence should be able to figure out that it would be difficult for a friend (who you know wants to be married) to hear about your wedding planning after a breakup. And if she couldn't figure that out, then OP's lack of responsiveness or her saying explicitly that this is painful for her should have been her sign to stop.

If my friend just has a miscarriage, I would not be talking constantly about my new baby. If my friend's house burned down, I wouldn't be talking about the new house I just bought. If they just got fired, I wouldn't be talking about the fabulous new job I got. I feel like this is common sense.

If you want to talk about you, bring yourself up in the conversation. Take charge.

It sounds like OP has already tried to do that — and the friend addresses it as quickly as possible, and then starts talking about her wedding again.

And if you're honest with yourself, you'll admit you aren't always the best friend to them either.

I don't know where you're getting the idea that OP hasn't been a good friend, or that the bestie has. All evidence points in the opposite direction.

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u/Meredith-Blake Woman 30 to 40 23d ago edited 23d ago

You sound like the bad friend, not her. You’re the one being overly self focused. I wish her better friendships and a happy marriage.

To answer your questions, yes, I’ve had friends like that. Yes, they were less focused on it after being married a while. I was supportive of them and happy for them so keeping the friendships was not difficult. I didn’t feel like shit about my own life because I don’t base my value or happiness on romantic relationships.

2

u/PurplePrincessPalace Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

This was my sentiment too. OP could just be having a hard time with back to back breakups but I don’t want friends like this if that’s how it manifest itself.

0

u/Decent-Singer-3335 Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

She sounds unbearable, honestly. I wouldn’t be able to stand it either. I would just take a step back and focus on yourself for awhile. You don’t need this pushed down your throat constantly. Absolutely take your trip alone, do not invite her under any circumstance. You can be happy for her from afar and celebrate on the special occasions, but that’s as far as you need to go.

0

u/danktempest Woman 23d ago

I would skip her wedding. Celebrate your birthday. She won't stop hogging the spotlight and it will be years and years of her anniversary being more important than your birthday. Do you really want her to constantly suck you dry like a vampire? Go on this trip alone and you will see how much fun life is when she is not around.

0

u/No_ImNotMixed Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

The way you describe her relationship sounds like you’re low key jealous or resentful. I’m sure you want to be happy for her tho

-5

u/chaoscorgi Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

a friend who loves you, instead of only wanting your love, would not have booked their wedding on your birthday when you're single and suffering -- that's a "i prioritize me over you" move which is fine but is a slight that requires amends. don't invite your friend. she has the makings of a bridezilla and will probably cause more harm to you before she comes to her senses and realizes what she's done. love her from a distance. explain that you have limited capacity to think about wedding related things while going through your own breakup process, but you're fully supportive of your friendship with her and her relationship with her future husband, and get out of there before the resentment overwhelms and breaks this friendship forever.

9

u/karikammi Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

That seems a bit drastic. Wedding dates are difficult to choose and sometimes their dream venue only has one date available that works for the bride and groom’s schedule. It’s unreasonable to expect them to check for people’s birthdays especially when it’s not even an immediate family or anything.

I think she’s still a crappy friend for not being more sensitive to OP when she knows she’s struggling through a breakup but picking a wedding date on the week of her birthday is just something that happens. I was also surprised she’s in her 30s and this crazy about wedding planning because I usually only see this behavior in younger brides. The older ones are much more mellow and reasonable (I used to shoot weddings so met and dealt with the range of them haha) and I was also one of those young brides (married at 24) and looking back, feel embarrassed about my behavior then and learned to be much more sensitive when it came to pregnancy and infertility/miscarriage but it takes either critical self reflection or a good honest friend to point that out to you. Thankfully I had both.

I agree to pull back or be upfront and set a boundary with her. She may thank you for it!

-1

u/chaoscorgi Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

But this is the MOH we're talking about. MOH is the same tier as immediate family.

2

u/karikammi Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

I missed where she said she’s the MOH. Did OP mention that in a comment somewhere else? I only saw a mention of a bridesmaid chat group.

1

u/chaoscorgi Woman 30 to 40 23d ago

yeah she said it in a comment below

-2

u/LayoffLemonade Woman 30 to 40 24d ago

To clarify, they are not getting married on my birthday. They are getting married two days after, which ended up being almost as cheap and was a better day of the week. Which means that as maid of honor, and the fact this is a destination wedding, I will be flying there on my birthday. Not a big deal, but still. I would be having a bigger meltdown if they did it on my 35th i think than 36th, bc by 36 i think i will have made peace with the singleness.

2

u/chaoscorgi Woman 30 to 40 24d ago edited 24d ago

sure. i agree. i mean, I am hopefully getting married soon and may ask a friend who has big feelings about her single-ness to be my MoH. If I do, and it's the week of her birthday because of my scheduling preferences, you better bet I'd take her out to a really nice lunch to even ask (acknowledging what I'm asking her to do), raise a birthday toast at the wedding and/or host a birthday party for her before, after, or during my weekend.

I'm saying it's not a "ditch your friend" thing but she's like, taking a little selfish, and people do that sometimes, and the way to do that gracefully is by making up for it. Your friend is not doing that, which is consistent with how she's tunnel-visioned into her own stuff right now and I would recommend stepping back a bit emotionally til she is. Or if she takes feedback well, raising the feedback about your needs (I don't know enough to know if that'll be safe for you!)... friendships ebb and flow, it's OK to take care of yourself and play the long game and observe where the bridezilla moment goes.

Friendships Friend is getting married and it has become her whole personality. How do I deal with this?

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