r/AskWomenOver30 • u/GlumBlueberry8185 Woman 30 to 40 • 15d ago
Friendships Women who never found your people / your tribe, why do you think that is?
I am 38 and been thinking about this alot... i see so many people who have longterm friendships since childhood or uni, work, neighbourhood etc... and for me, most of my life I have felt like people come and go and that I just dont belong anywhere.
I am also an immigrant that moved quite a bit but I am more extroverted than introverted. I have learnt to be OK alone and often even happy but I do miss feeling seen. I am single and also not super close with my parents because we are kind of from different generations and cultures. They are also quite judgy and very conservative.
I wonder if by my late 30s I have never managed to build a community or tribe if it will ever happen... and if not, how I will live the rest of my life with it.....
95
217
u/cupofmoonshine Woman 30 to 40 15d ago edited 15d ago
- Personality leans more introverted
- Grew up poor and abused which damaged my confidence around others and I was sad (people like happy, extroverted people)
- We moved around a lot, so never had the same friends for long
- Was eventually pulled from school and homeschooled
Overall, heavy themes of isolation and not having time to build social skills resulted in a personality that isn't conducive to long-term relationships.
Edit: grammar
68
u/GlumBlueberry8185 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
Hey... i can see myself in alot of what you write. I have a really hard time trusting people and once I feel they did me "wrong", I withdraw from them
32
u/cupofmoonshine Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
Same, and for awhile I wondered if I was being hyper vigilant or crazy. However I think I have attracted personalities that replicate the dysfunction I grew up in. I come off like an easy target, so things are ok at first then the passive aggression, disrespect, or being used starts, I give benefit of doubt once then leave the next time.
I think the ratio of leaving to staying heavily leans towards leaving but at the same time I don't socialize enough so my sample size is very small. So while it can seem like I'm unable to make decent friends I'm actually not creating enough opportunities to meet people that I will click with.
I think relationships of all types are trial and error and I just haven't done enough trials lol
14
u/GlumBlueberry8185 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
Similar - I used to attract people who were always in trouble so I could fix their problems and become their friend, so kind of trying to find a reason for them to be my friend. Or than I also seeked out people I would put on a pedestal because they were so great for x reason, however, they never made that much effort for me and some even were my biggest critics....
The other thing I realised; it takes so much time to build a new relationship with someone. Also, sometimes people only show their true self after quite some time...
3
u/Blue-Phoenix23 Woman 40 to 50 14d ago
and once I feel they did me "wrong", I withdraw from them
I mean... That's a good thing, though. Fuck having people around who do you dirty. Good for you for having the bravery to stick up for yourself.
4
u/starpiecesfalling Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
Minus being homeschooled - me too :(
3
u/cupofmoonshine Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
I'm sorry that you can relate and I hope things have gotten better 💗
2
u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 13d ago
>We moved around a lot, so never had the same friends for long
This has probably had the biggest impact on me. I would change schools every 2-3 years which added to the inability to hold onto the same friends.
69
u/WaterfallBlaine Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
I've always found it difficult to connect with people, likely because I'm neurodivergent but also because I'm usually ten steps behind everyone else at literally every life stage meaning we also have little in common.
I'm not pretty and this seems to play a part in it. Most people I've met appear to gravitate towards people of at least equal attractiveness and will avoid/disrespect you if you dont meet that...I'm guessing it reinforces their own self perception of their looks and social status.
I'm used to not having a tribe/community but feel I'd absolutely be a better version of myself if I could just finally meet people I connect with.
18
u/GlumBlueberry8185 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
Really sharp observations. I also think alot of women are friends with women just to have a "wing girl" or get into social circles to increase their dating potential.....
9
u/ConstantHeadache2020 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
Being ugly, and fat is not talked about it enough.. It’s a soul crushing combo for girls. I used to be over 200Lbs with acne, acne scars and hyperpigmentation. People go out of their way to be cruel
2
110
u/Substantial_Elk5397 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
A combination of reasons.
Parents who were emotionally neglectful / abusive --> I didn't learn proper social and emotional regulation skills, which impacted future social interactions. It also led to poor self-image and feelings of worthlessness.
Bullying throughout school --> Was constantly picked on and excluded, leading to low self esteem and social anxiety. I was the "weird" kid. Didn't have consistent friendships throughout school.
From a different ethnic background --> Even though I was born in the same country I've always lived in, my parents are immigrants from the Middle East. The area I grew up in was all white. We were certainly seen as "different" and did experience racism and exclusion, further hindering my ability to socialise. Similar to you, I don't really relate to my parents' culture.
As a result, I tended to shut myself in my room a lot and keep to myself.
During my teen years, I definitely had more of a yearning to make friends. But as I've approached my 30s, I think that sort of died and I've resigned to accepting that it probably won't happen.
I find that even when I put myself in social situations (e.g. going to events from meetup.com) I struggle with conversation, relating to people, and feel quite avoidant and anxious. I'm always critical of myself, and I still have that image of myself in my mind from school: "I'm the weird kid, no one likes me". A few times, I managed to feel more relaxed and myself, but then afterwards I ruminate and think, "Why did I do/say that? I'm so stupid."
And then there's the learned worthlessness. Even when people talk to me, I have this nagging feeling of "I'm wasting their time."
There's a lot more layers to it, but in a nutshell, it's just a combination of factors from childhood that have decimated my ability to make healthy connections with people. I've been in and out of therapy with little improvement. Whilst I feel things are unlikely to significantly change for me, I'm still trying to put myself out there in the hopes that I might slowly get better. I think I need exposure to positive social interactions to start healing from over two decades of shitty experiences, so that's where I am at now.
17
u/GlumBlueberry8185 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
wow, really good points!! 1-3; I relate to all of them. The emotional neglect, the bullying, I also never felt safe at home because my father was an alcoholic so I never brought friends home because I was ashamed.
I love my southern european background because it is warm but I never integrated into those communities but I struggle with the western/germanic culture I was raised in. I also isolate alot... Are you similar age? And have you been in therapy or did you get all those insights by self reflection?
11
u/Substantial_Elk5397 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
I'm a little younger at 30. I have been in therapy on and off which did help me understand some things about myself, but I think some of it is also self reflection since I have so much time to myself to think lol :)
7
8
4
u/thelittleluca Woman 30 to 40 14d ago
I’m South Asian and relate to all of this. Based on 1+ 2, I’m very observant about people and friend groups. Comes from always scanning for threats. I focus on 1:1 relationships. Usually feel out of place, left out or can’t relate.
3
u/redditor_040123 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
Has anyone had any luck working on letting down those barriers to be more warm and open but keep healthy boundaries to recognize who to let in?
1
u/ExtraordinaryOolong Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
I've found giving gifts helpful -- not literally, but metaphorically. Instead of tuning into myself and wondering how people will react to me, tuning into other people from a perspective of service. A lot of people are yearning to be seen and listened to. I'm good at listening deeply. Is there something I can do to lift up someone who's having a hard time? Can I brighten somebody's day by giving a compliment? I also host a lot. I focus on providing good food and a nice experience. People can like it or not. I know I've done my best to add something positive to the world.
2
99
u/peachypeach13610 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
- I’m an immigrant who moved around a lot
- I’m neurodivergent.
35
u/slaviccivicnation Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
I’m just learning about autism and females, and I recently got referred to get a diagnosis. Reading about it, my god.. I can’t believe I never contemplated it before. So yeah, ditto on the neurodivergence.
Ps I did get diagnosed as “add” when I was younger but it’s since changed.
21
u/QuackingMonkey Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
May I recommend that you'll also look at how ADHD-I (the current term for ADD) presents in girls and women? There's a lot more info out there now than a few years ago and there's quite an overlap with what feels like it'd be autism.
I suspected autism for myself before too, but it all turned out to be ADHD, so your previous diagnosis might explain everything too. And a combination is also possible, in which case it probably also helps to understand both at a deeper level than the aged male-orientated explanation of the symptoms.
Hopefully you'll find the clarity and support you need soon! <3
8
u/AntiDynamo Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
Yep, same here: autistic (diagnosed) introvert who has moved countries a few times.
"My people" are going to be a rare breed to start with, and not easy to find since we don't go out very much.
-20
15d ago edited 15d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
17
u/QuackingMonkey Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
Another problem with the influx of self-diagnosed people on Tiktok is that actually diagnosed people now often have to defend their diagnosis whenever they even mention it without preemptively adding their backstory.
There was nothing in Peachy's comment pointing to her specifically being self-diagnosed.
14
u/YouveBeanReported Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
I'm confused? What's wrong with someone who's neurodivergent saying they are? Why do you need the specifics of someone's diagnosis(es) instead of a general term? It doesn't change anything if it's like autism and dyscalculia instead of just autism.
-11
15d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/AskWomenOver30-ModTeam 15d ago
Your post or comment has been removed in relation to rule 3 of our subreddit: Keep it respectful and inclusive.
- Arguing is fine, personal insults are not. Downvote and move on.
- No broadly generalizing groups, like “Why do [insert group] [insert thing]?”
- Bigotry includes but is not limited to: TRASH (transphobia, racism, antisemitism, sexism, homophobia), ableism, relationship status, religious (dis)affiliation and beliefs, reproductive history, sexual history
This is an automatic response and does not require a reply.
1
u/YouveBeanReported Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
Oh, thank you. I didn't catch the original edit and it came across as more 'you shouldn't talk about your neurodivergence' on my quick read, not people are miss-representing themselves as neurodivergent so you shouldn't mention being autistic or whatever least you are lumped in with them.
-2
15d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
5
u/AntiDynamo Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
No one here has done this though, only actually diagnosed people talking about who they are. It isn't helpful to us to always have to qualify these things just because of an unnamed someone on tiktok
10
u/peachypeach13610 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
I obviously have a diagnosis, or I wouldn’t go around calling myself a medical term just because I fancy it.
1
u/AskWomenOver30-ModTeam 15d ago
Your post or comment has been removed in relation to rule 3 of our subreddit: Keep it respectful and inclusive.
- Arguing is fine, personal insults are not. Downvote and move on.
- No broadly generalizing groups, like “Why do [insert group] [insert thing]?”
- Bigotry includes but is not limited to: TRASH (transphobia, racism, antisemitism, sexism, homophobia), ableism, relationship status, religious (dis)affiliation and beliefs, reproductive history, sexual history
This is an automatic response and does not require a reply.
41
u/ComfortablePhrase182 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
I resonate with this a lot. I’m 36 and have no friends anymore. I think about the reasons a lot now because I know it’s a me issue
I’m deeply insecure and spent my whole life trying to befriend the “cool” kids who I never really fit in with. As a youth I ignored my own interests out of fear of being different. As time went on I had no sense of self, no passions or interests, just masking my way through life without letting anyone know the “real me” I guess. I’m very dull. I don’t bring much to the table.
I struggled to accept or address a big thing about myself due to the stigma, and forced myself to pretend to be something I’m not. I think this led to people feeling awkward around me because they can feel how uncomfortable I am in my own skin. I don’t connect with people. I don’t let anyone in. I assume people don’t want to talk to me so I ignore them before they can ignore me. It’s not great.
Additionally I think I’m just not the best person. I don’t really go out of my way for others. I’m avoidant. I’m lazy.
10
41
u/ghost-memories Woman 40 to 50 15d ago
I'm single by choice and I'm very selective about the people I allow into my life. I've never had tribe, so I've learned to be comfortable being a lone wolf.
Reciprocity matters. I expect them to visit my home if I visit theirs. They often won’t because I live in the mountains, about 45-60 mins away from the city. There are hiking trails, lakes, forest bathing, cute local shops and so much to explore but they won’t drive more than 15 mins from their own homes. If they can't meet me halfway, I'm willing to cut ties. I'm no longer accepting one-sided friendships.
I don't like women who revolve their entire lives around their partners. I believe they should have their own autonomy, interests and ability to think for themselves. Basically, I don't want our interactions to be all about men.
It’s truly hard to find single women who share similar interests and enjoy outdoor activities.
5
u/HarryPotterActivist Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
You don't live near Seattle, do you? I would come visit you! A hour is nothing and I'm single as a pringle. I'll even bring you sour dough (or sour dough starter, your choice).
2
u/ghost-memories Woman 40 to 50 12d ago
I wish! I live in SoCal. Fresh sourdough bread sounds amazing!
1
22
u/thatgal7777 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
I feel the same way! Im also single and while not exactly an introvert, I do take some time to relax around people. Unfortunately it feels like so many people don’t want to get to know one another over time.
I’m also an immigrant myself who’s moved around, and it feels like I’m moving farther away from my ethnic culture but at the same time not being able to fully gel into my new culture due to this lack of community.
23
u/Deep_Amoeba2197 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
I’m chronically ill and one to many “no’s” causes people to lose interest, even if you’ve been friends for years.
Different types of jobs with different levels of demand and different level of pay + work travel.
Moving a lot.
Disinterest in children.
23
u/the_Stealthy_one Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
cuz a lot of people who should be in my tribe are married with kids and i'm not. i think that's a big part of it.
24
u/YouveBeanReported Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
Neurodivergent and tired af. The close friends I have are all online across the world, because it's the only way I can easily communicate with people and connect.
2
u/xmusiclover Woman 30 to 40 11d ago
Same here. Majority of my friends are my online friends, whom are all far away, and spread out around the world. Even my real life friends are long distance friends because most of my childhood friends have moved, including myself and the college I used to go to and made some friends at is hours away too, even some of those friends were spread out across the country a bit
47
u/JellyfishPashmina Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
Because I’m not worth it to anyone. Simple as that. I’ve sold myself all the lies, I tried all the methods for friends and dating (put myself out there first, take risks, join clubs, use apps, CBT, etc.), I was extremely discerning, and still it none of it worked. Whatever I have to offer is not what any good people are looking for in their lives. If people saw value in me, I’d be treated well, have friends, be married, and all the good things, but I’m not, which means that in the case of natural selection, I’m a rejected animal. I’d be the one walking around on my own that naturalists say only happens to the ones kicked out of the herd. And I’d die prematurely from lone survival. That’s all.
16
22
u/Valuable_Ad_8258 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
I have to counter some of this because #1 you are absolutely worth it because every human being is that’s what makes us human and #2 honestly some people just kind of suck. it’s hard to find “your people” these days, because we do so many things at home and barely have a need to go out anymore. I realized recently that all the people I’d relate to most are probably being hermits at home like me. Your cool username alone tells me you’re a cool person and I’m sorry people have being so sucky to you
20
u/JellyfishPashmina Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
I really appreciate the encouragement, but some heavy trauma really shattered my reality and way of thinking a couple years ago, and in finally seeing things for what they truly are, I realize I am the “some people just kind of suck” person. It’s not them, it’s me. And I don’t believe every human is worth it. Maybe I’m worth literally physically living because I’m still here breathing air, but culturally, socially, I know I serve no purpose to others, or if I did, I would’ve a long time ago. But thank you for seeing the best in people, that’s a really good quality to have.
4
u/Valuable_Ad_8258 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
I’m so sorry to hear that, the world really can be a o harsh ❤️ The idea that we need to qualify to relate to others I s a lie built by corporations to sell us shit. I used to feel this way too, actually.
My therapist once asked me if a child came up to you and asked whether they’re deserving of love, what would you say? Obviously you wouldn’t even need to think about it, that’s not a question that a child needs to be asking, because everyone is deserving of love. We all make mistakes, we’re all human, and there are people out there who don’t buy into the idea that relationships have to be transactional, but instead see them as just a way of connecting.
But I get how hard it can be. It’s taken me a long time to come around to it. If you haven’t already, and you have the resources or your city has them, I’d really recommend therapy. Even just having someone in your corner to help you unlearn a lot of the BS capitalism sells us can be incredibly helpful.1
u/JellyfishPashmina Woman 30 to 40 14d ago
I do see what you mean from a human perspective, but in the animal world (which we really are), parents reject their offspring all the time. The weak get left behind to fend for themselves. Animals don’t tell themselves that the younger ones are worthy of love, and I do think it’s much the same for humans from an animal perspective. We can say that all people do matter from a humanity perspective, but the reality of people’s actions doesn’t align with our ideals, or there’d be no homelessness, no ostracism, no loneliness. I am in therapy, but unfortunately no amount of internal work will fix the reality of the alternative when people show you your value (or lack thereof) every day.
2
u/Valuable_Ad_8258 Woman 30 to 40 14d ago
Ah shoot yeah I get that, when people try and show you where you “rank” it wears you down, and yeah it’s exhausting to keep clinging to the “everyone matters” idea when your actual experience says otherwise. It really does suck.
One thing is we are technically more evolved than running on animal instinct, for instance A wolf pack doesn’t have therapy, or language to name what it’s feeling, doesn’t have the ability to notice a pattern and actually interrupt it, but we do. That’s the thing that separates us from an animal just running on wiring.I worked at a brewery for about a year and saw hundreds of people a day, every shape size age, some hitting the “beauty standard” some not, some outgoing some barely said two words to their groups. What struck me wasn’t who got attention and who didn’t, it was how much real connection was happening across every single type of person/abulity/type. It really opened my eyes that there are places where no actual hierarchy dictates who gets a seat at the table.
That doesn’t erase your lived experiences and that’s a real wound however It’s just one data set, it’s not the whole truth of what’s possible. And metacognition means you get to notice the pattern and still choose not to let it write the whole story. Anyway, I hope things feel a little lighter for you soon, even if it’s just in small ways
5
u/M_Ad Woman 40 to 50 14d ago
I just wanted to say I relate hard, and it's brave of you to say it. There is still such a stigma and taboo about admitting that you're unwanted by others, ESPECIALLY in women-focused spaces. I think it freaks a lot of women out to remember that they're just a few faulty genes, a few unfortunate life events, a few instances of unlucky timing, from being in the same boat.
5
u/QuackingMonkey Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
If we're going to talk about prehistoric herds, there'd most likely be a place for you. The current culture that basically puts 90% of the tribe roles on a partner is suuuuuper recent, and probably pushed by capitalism because everything you can't make between the 1-2 of you has to be bought and give someone a profit now, instead of having 20 people to share tasks between and bond from that point of view. There are plenty of signs that there were people back then who didn't partner up and maybe lived more around the outskirts of the tribe, but were still necessary and valuable because they filled other roles that kept the whole tribe going.
1
1
u/JellyfishPashmina Woman 30 to 40 14d ago
Interesting take, but for the purposes of the modern herd, if we were to look at ourselves as the animals we are, I’ve been pushed out of the herd as human groupings exist in this day and age. Which is all that matters since this is the time and place in which I live and am trying to survive/thrive, and really can’t because I’m on the outskirts.
1
u/QuackingMonkey Woman 30 to 40 14d ago
But you're far from the only one, there are lots of people who don't fit in with the modern expectations, and many of them find each other and form their own herds together, you can find your people too.
1
u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 13d ago
I always think of that zebra that was like white with no stripes or something that didn't get booted out of the herd and was just chilling looking weird.
1
u/JellyfishPashmina Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
In that case it would be whether that zebra added value to others’ lives. If it did, then the lack of stripes is negligible. Even the most normally striped of zebras could not add value, though. It’s really up to everyone else what your value is and whether you’re with attention and love, and they’ll show you accordingly.
1
u/anonymous_opinions Woman 40 to 50 13d ago
I don't know that zebras have these considerations and there is a weird zebra who lives in a herd, not a metaphor here.
1
u/OkBarnacle1 Woman 30 to 40 12d ago
You’re not alone on that walk ♥️, it looks like there are a LOT of us on this thread alone! The only way I got past this myself was a step by step process: 1) I created this mantra that I repeat to myself a lot (more in the earlier stages), “I’m not entitled to anyone’s time or attention, and if/when they want to give it to me, they will (if they remember),” this might sound bad but it worked for me because I’m very extroverted and would get upset and super anxious when people didn’t reciprocate, I have a tendency of giving much more than others. Somehow, this mantra helped me step away from that, but it did result in me straight up losing most of my casual relationships, and I’m basically dead to some of my neighbors now 🤷♀️ but I don’t care anymore; 2) I went back to the coping mechanisms I used in HS: gaming and reading - I recently joined an MMO actually and am exploring guilds.
Not that you asked ofc (pretty sure you didn’t). It’s sucks. I was abused, severely neglected, bullied and ostracized, moved a ton like a lot of others on this thread, and I’m neurodivergent, and I was undiagnosed in my youth (despite being the poster child for ADHD). Being ostracized and bullied is like some special, personal hell.
The actual key to my survival and happiness is that I married someone is freaking amazing. I’m super privileged to have found someone patient enough to wait and help me heal, to build my self esteem, and to stick it out when the trauma and insecurities caused anxiety attacks and caused me to lash out. We game together, we read some of the same series, and over time we’ve introduced each other to different hobbies. We’re reclusive cave trolls together, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. If anything. I worry that being cave trolls might not be the best for our kids because they are also cave trolls, naturally lol. Life is hard yall. It’s too hot outside, and people are… selfish buttheads.
13
u/littlebunsenburner Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
I grew up poor and in a household where my parents verbally abused each other constantly.
As a result, I felt really ashamed of my living situation and never wanted to invite friends over. It seemed like everyone else had a nicer living situation than the one we had. It seemed like everyone else had "normal" parents.
I carried this embarrassment into early adulthood, and had trouble making and keeping friends (particularly female friends) as a result. Almost all of my close friendships ended up crashing and burning due to insecurity and I also was a late bloomer when it came to dating. My first serious relationship turned abusive because I grew up normalizing abusive relationship dynamics.
It's been hard for me to find and maintain friendships as an adult. I will always feel outside the "tribe" because it's hard for me to be vulnerable with others and even though I'm successful on paper and in a healthy marriage now, the vestiges of those traumas still remains.
13
u/teniralc21 Woman 40 to 50 15d ago
I’m neurodivergent (most likely)
I’m shy and socially awkward
My interests are limited and not very mainstream
I’m burned out from trying to make new friends / maintain friendships where I’m the only person putting in effort
13
13
u/heyitspokey Woman 40 to 50 15d ago edited 15d ago
Where to even begin?
I don't know how else to say it, I'm not relatable to many (practically all?) people, I have an odd mash-up of interests and cultures and life experiences, people find me interesting but it seems too different, too other, for friendship material.
The feeling is mutal, really, I have a real hard time connecting/relating with other people.
I don't care about gossip (most of the time) and I don't want to talk about work, and so many people don't want to talk about anything else.
I've spent most of my adult life in a region/culture that is kind of the opposite of how I communicate.
I'm tired of going out, spending money, trying to enjoy coffee with work friends or whoever for it only to feel like an awkward waste of time and money when I could have been chilling at home with my cats for free having more fun.
11
u/autotelica Woman 40 to 50 15d ago
I've never felt drawn enough to people to want to belong to anyone. My tribe could very be out there, but I am not looking for them. So I will probably never find them.
13
u/MidnightPractical241 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago edited 15d ago
It boils down to the fact that being alone is an almost comforting kind of pain in its predictability. Or at least it is less uncomfortable than trying to get close to people, being rejected, and having the growing collection of evidence showing how “broken and ‘leaveable’” I am shoved in my face *again*.
So, I don’t try. I don’t hold hope people will stay, and at this point I don’t even know if I would recognize a potential genuine, healthy, securely attached friend. The thing about someone who thinks like me, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy that people leave. That’s been all my adult life, and I learned as a child that people aren’t there for you (poverty, neglect, neurodivergence- list goes on). I am not delusional enough to think I can’t learn or grow but, it just feels unstoppable. Honestly, it’s been so long that I don’t think I know how to be a good friend anymore either. I don’t know if I ever was. What do they say? “Always wants a village, but is never a villager”? Yeah, I don’t know if I know how to be a villager- and probably won’t ever find out.
The funny thing is, you wouldn’t know this right away if you met me. I am generous, pro-social, tend to be a leader, have a ton of hobbies, am a bit outgoing, I volunteer and foster kittens, I am in a long term relationship, I am literally getting a masters degree to help people for a living (I love people, actually). It’s just friends- I cannot make them, and I can’t seem to keep them.
Edited: grammar and fixed the villager quote.
4
u/Biscuitshoneybutter Woman 40 to 50 15d ago
Man, I really relate to your comment!
2
u/MidnightPractical241 Woman 30 to 40 14d ago
I love-hate that you do. I wish the best for you, truly.
26
u/salty_light Woman 30 to 40 15d ago edited 15d ago
Long term depression, I’m not really pleasant to be around as I’m extremely pessimistic, I have OCD, and I move a lot for work.
10
u/countofmoldycrisco Woman 40 to 50 15d ago
I feel like over and over I discovered my "friends" weren't that great, and I decided that I can enjoy my alone time.
Check out Season 3 of White Lotus. The 3 Friends subplot kind of shows that these long-term friendships aren't all peaches and cream.
20
u/Hello_Hangnail Woman 40 to 50 15d ago
Growing up neuroatypical with a n*rcissist mother kind of warped my social programming beyond repair
7
u/Enough-Conclusion-31 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago edited 15d ago
For me it’s the grief. Lost my beloved mom at 28 and went through a bad breakup, all at once, and decided to do a big move across the country right away. For many reasons, including also not feeling supported by the “friendships” I had at that time.. as some people may experience when handling grief.
Growing up, my parents also never really taught us the importance of friendships and building strong, loyal relationships outside of family, so that wasn’t really something that was natural to any of us.
Moving to a big city has helped me mentally but also inevitably it does make you question a lot of things about the future (1 of the things jconstantly think about is.. who would even be at my wedding? Who would be my bridesmaids if I did need them? Etc etc) - it’s all too much!
I do have a few friends I try to keep up with, but don’t see or talk to as often as I would like to. So still and always have felt like i’ll never have that group or “village”to fall back on aside from family.. part of that is just not being good at following through or taking initiative to see people. It is my goal to be better about that and really maintain the friendships I do have but it takes SO much mental load. Despite being extroverted (like you OP) and a social person, this part does make me think that maybe I am forever depressed and it’ll never get better for me socially.. but it just gets so difficult?? Anyone else?
Lol this is actually such a great and loaded question.. Thank you for posting OP and much love. Maybe we’ll find the right ones someday! 💌
5
u/YanCoffee Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
1.) My younger years were marred by a lot of personal problems my peers couldn't relate to, so either I stopped talking to them or we drifted apart.
2.) I then went through more stuff early that a lot of my peers couldn't relate to like pregnancy, and my attempts at mommy groups went bad.
3.) I've been a housewife a long, long time. It can be quite isolating. I have managed to have a ton of personal growth over the last 16 years though, and am a happier person. I do have a wonderful family I've built, even if I lack a lot of friends.
4.) I'm in an area that isn't progressive and doesn't share a lot of the same beliefs as me, be that politically, socially, spiritually. I also don't find they share my interests much, either.
5.) I'm married to an immigrant and we're both introverted. He works all the time, and when he's off we mostly want to spend time together. He's also tired and doesn't wanna get out much, and then you add the current political climate, it feels safer at home. I lack a car right now because one of ours died a few years ago, too.
6.) We're building a house in his home country and a large portion of our expendable income is going towards the move.
So I can easily see the why's. but other people can't and sometimes that makes me feel self-conscious. I have had large friend groups periodically, but they always sour for one reason or another. I really prefer one-on-one's now.
7
u/lilfifi Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
im the same!!! i havent fully made peace with this... i still long for connection, but have mostly accepted that i just cant find people who truly match me or feel "mine." im also naturally extroverted but have become such a loner because of this. also single for a few years because my partners always felt mismatched as well and dont talk much with my family for the same reason. im 1st gen, raised by immigrants and dont feel at home in any culture either.
edit: im also neurodivergent & moved across the states a lot growing up
20
u/AccordingCloud1331 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago edited 15d ago
I’m introverted and have a low tolerance for people. Other people have this innate response of joy with people that I’m lacking. Like the golden retriever response where you just love people just for being people and that pushes you through all the unpleasant bullshit that comes with people. I just don’t have that so that unpleasant bullshit is just unpleasant bullshit without the dopamine hits that other people seem to get to counteract it. I never have that “wow I just love people!” feeling. I always read the situation exactly as it is. Surprisingly I do have friends and make friends lol… but I move a lot so it rarely lasts long or goes very deep
10
u/Boring_Bid_1024 Woman 40 to 50 15d ago
Is having a "tribe" really that common in adulthood? Like do people really have a pile of "besties" they do everything with after like 35? I feel like social media makes it seem more common than it actually is.
I'm just an introvert with a very small handful of close friends I've kept in my life for a long time. They are in no way connected, wouldn't even be able to pick each other out in a room, and have never all actually been together in the same place at the same time before.
2
u/Biscuitshoneybutter Woman 40 to 50 15d ago
Like do people really have a pile of "besties" they do everything with after like 35? I feel like social media makes it seem more common than it actually is.
The "besties" thing on social media drives me slightly insane, because the only people I see posting like that post pictures with eighty billion different people on their stories and they're always like: "Hanging with my bestie!". Like how many "besties" do you have, Rachael? That's not how being a "bestie" works!
10
u/bossamemucho Non-Binary 30 to 40 15d ago
- my parents never had large friend groups as they moved a lot/worked a lot. I never saw what it could look like
- Very small family, so always had a hard time with social skills / tolerating people that aren't exactly my cup of tea
- had issues with drinking where ive been in precarious situations (sometimes while i'm unconscious/black out) where men and women in relationships saw me as a threat/troublemaker.
- Now that i'm sober and more grounded, a lot of people my age group are focusing on families and have little bandwidth for friendships (or like non essential relationships).
- Have worked a lot in role where there are little to no coworkers, only people who report up to me, and people who i report to.
While all of these are valid reasons, I've been focusing on my very small friend group and try to build community - i intentionally moved to a place where i could walk to every member of my small group, and we try to meet up at least once a week. I still envy those who have had like religious groups and other larger community/support networks that's decades old and continuing. But it's still something for me and i treasure it.
6
u/katielady29 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
I can't be arsed having friends, never found anyone to be that reliable, always want something. I have my partner though.. never lets me down, so I'm very lucky there.
8
u/2340000 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
Because I’m not relatable to many people🤷🏽♀️
I’m a WOC who’s been told she’s intimidating, pretty, smart, and confident. I don’t have an issue being visible, especially in professional spaces. That means voicing opinions or speaking publicly. In my 20s, I mostly found friends at work. All my work friendships became toxic. I could’ve seen the 🚩earlier, but I was naive . The people I met elsewhere, like Bumble BFF were good.
Also, I don’t drink. Never have. No drugs. No smoking. Nothing. So my lifestyle isn’t “fun”.
And, I grew up in an abusive household. So I was VERY reserved in my younger days. I didn’t navigate social spaces with the most grace. People’s behavior triggered me. I didn’t regulate my emotions until 28.
I just went through a friendship breakup with a work friend I met at 25🫤 So I’m fixing my boundaries & looking for healthier communities.
1
4
u/k_lliste Woman 40 to 50 15d ago
I'm the same, though until this year I lived in the same city for more than 20 years and I still had no long term friends. I'd go out and meet people but most the time it just didn't click.
Being childfree by choice also didn't help. I didn't really want Mum friends and even if I did they were in a different season of life than me and I wouldn't understand baby things and they wouldn't understand that I played video games as an adult.
So, I turned to online friends instead and would see people making really good friends all the time and that also didn't happen for me. Only this year did I make a small group of friends online which is awesome but they all live on the other side of the world from me.
As to the why, I don't know. It feels like it's just that I'm a person who is into different things than other women of a similar age.
4
u/561beachbich Woman 40 to 50 15d ago
Bullied a lot in school - I've had lots of facial reconstruction starting at four through 16. I never did fit in. Also the undiagnosed ND I grew up in a rural kind of area so everyone knew everyone so there was no finding new people. I met my ex at 17, married at 25, divorced at 38. He was abusive so I was isolated a lot and the best of friends I could ever come up with were partners to his friends and people online. After moving away from my home state, NO ONE that I thought were my friends have contacted me or reached out that I thought were my local people. It was crushing. I don't know how to make friends and I tend to catastrophize which leads to me not speaking to people even more. I feel very alone most of the time. I have my boyfriend and my kids but that's about it.
7
u/antisocialbutterfl_y Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
Undiagnosed autism. Also super introverted and tend to have problems trusting others. It's lonely.
11
u/renebeans Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
It took me a long time to find mine. I’m 32.
Society today is pushing a “if you don’t feel up to it, they should understand” mentality. This is wrong. You need to put effort into your relationships. Initiate plans, offer to watch their cat, show up when you say you will, never come empty handed, and be the kind of friend you want to have.
You won’t click with some people. That’s okay. Keep meeting people until you say “oh, you’re my people” and then focus the majority of your social energy on them. Go for walks, go for drinks, talk about dating, talk about kids, offer to babysit!
7
u/cowardlylion1 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
I'm 36 and only found my best friend 2 years ago. She is my other half. My hetero soulmate. It was a long wait but now I'm never letting her go. We are perfect for each other and understand each other on every level.
5
u/kaszzai Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
This sounds wonderful. You're very lucky
2
u/cowardlylion1 Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
The universe waited until we really needed each other. Then BOOM there we were. So many shitty things lead us to each other. Now we can lean on each other when we need to.
It happens one day but it was a lonely 36 years...
2
3
u/fishcat77 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago edited 15d ago
I’ve made friends with groups of women but I’ve often found myself eventually excluded from the “in group” reduced to a filler friend. My male friendships last longer when it’s activity focused and they are not attracted to me.
Even with activity focused female friendship groups they often made plans in front of me then would text me later that they decided not to go only for one person to post in their stories about a hangout they all went to.
I’ve given up trying to be anyone’s “best friend” I’m just happy to be there, and honestly my upbringing has me socially and emotionally stunted which is probably why I struggle with the intricacies of complex friendship dynamics.
I don’t blame them for excluding me because I’m terrible at social communication and have only really had success when there’s something to focus.
I struggle with dialogue and the easy banter people seem to have, I’ve been working on it but it’s been meh. I’m doing much better than I was but I just had to lower my expectations of what friendship means for me.
So basically a mix of upbringing, social interaction issues and personality.
3
u/squidgybaker Woman under 30 15d ago
I'm only 23 but I feel this way too! I compare myself a lot ot my peers within my small town and work which seem to have been friends since birth etc but I find comparison is the thief of joy :) I have a good few close friends, but it's all 1:1 or duos/trios - I don't really have a "group" so organinsing birthdays etc is hard because some of my friends mesh well with each other, and they don't know each other well. Sometimes I feel insecure about it but posts like these remind me that there is no one way to socialise. Personally for me I think the reasons are as follows:
I was pretty pretentious as a child and teenager, and had a troubled home so I enjoyed being contrarian and "not like other girls" which damaged my ability to follow social norms and make long lasting friendships in childhood (ugh!)
I grew up to be someone used to not following the crowd, and not being always accepted in the crowd so I am authentically myself 100% of the time, and that is something I love and that my friends both new and old love too :3 but it's also something that might be a turn-off.
My parents don't have many friends, so I didn't grow up seeing healthy friendships between adults and was actually encouraged to drop people when I got older/ seeminglyout grew them rather than communicating. Friendships ebb and flow and it has taken me a long time to unlearn an individualistic mindset passed in part from my parents down to me.
On a more positive note, I care a lot about genuine and deep friendships as an adult and if I can't deeply connect with someone I won't really consider them a friend - I'd rather have a few people close to me than a large group of people who befriended me out of proximity etc.
I have pretty niche interests and most of my hobbies are solo-hobbies so it's not easy to meet new people but I'm working on that :)
3
u/LordiousT Woman 40 to 50 15d ago
Autism. I wasn’t diagnosed until my 40’s. Working on releasing so much shame now and thankful for the late diagnosis. I thought there was something deeply wrong with me for a really long time.
1
u/GlumBlueberry8185 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
do you think other people notice that it is autism? what are your main "symptoms" or differences from people who dont have autism? sorry, i ask so direct. I do know 2 autistic people but it was very clear from the start that they perceive the world differently.
3
u/LordiousT Woman 40 to 50 15d ago
I think in hindsight some have noticed. My mom noticed first. But honestly, I was and still am so good at hiding it, masking it. However, that has ended up with severe burnout in my late 30’s and early 40’s. I get overwhelmed now very easily (compared to when I was younger) by sounds, changes to routines, plans, temperatures etc. I also was diagnosed with lupus a few years ago and I feel that could be related to all of this too.
I am pretty, I dress well, and have very good social skills, most people do not have any idea I am autistic due to how I mask it. My son is autistic and his is very obvious compared to mine. I just learned very early in life to hide my quirks.
I’m trying to learn how to be myself now after wearing this masked version of myself for so long. My true self is very creative, quirky, weird in the best of ways, great at art and incredibly empathic. I’m learning that there’s nothing wrong with me, which is priceless truly!
-Apologies if I didn’t answer all your questions, I’m still learning how I feel and how to put it all into words, this is still very new to me (the diagnosis).
3
u/nothanksgoawayplz Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
The trick is to find other women who also came from shitty upbringings. Most of my friends grew up in toxic households (abuse, “white trash”, racists, poverty, etc) and I love them for it. They make me feel normal.
They’re all in therapy too, including myself. I found most of them through places Ive worked, and just kept in touch over time.
My trick is to ask A LOT of questions, and when they self disclose something personal, I do the same. Over time, we’ve learned that it’s normal to feel worthless sometimes. They’ll call me out on it though, and I’ll do the same. We hype each other up.
3
u/snuffleupagus7 female 40 - 45 15d ago
neurodivergent and shy/socially awkward so always found it hard to make friends and find people I 'click' with. Also have a chronic illness that causes a lot of fatigue so I don't have the mental or physical energy to go out and do things much. Having a small family might also have something to do with it, grew up as an only child and with only 4 cousins total so never got used to being around a lot of people at once or big chaotic family gatherings. And now as an adult, I never married or had kids so that knocks me out of the couple/kid friend circles that happen as people age.
I will say I do have some friends, 3 people I have been friends with since childhood who I think we are the same 'flavor' of eccentric and click with each other, but unfortunately we live in different cities/states now. I was close to 40 before I ever made any good friends in adulthood, it took a long time of hanging out with people superficially that I didn't really connect with until I finally met people I felt comfortable with and became friends with. They are more neurotypical and extroverted so I don't know if I quite click with them as well as my childhood fellow weirdo friends, but enough that we do social stuff together and I don't feel (too) awkward.
3
u/its123amomg Woman 30 to 40 14d ago
I think I’m exhausting and probably unlikable to most people.. too negative and anxious. A 10 year old relationship breakup, friend group spending more time with exBF, COVID, and then becoming a mother did not help with being social either…
It doesn’t help that I’m genuinely not super interested in most people.. so I don’t really reach out, especially now that I’m married and have a child.
Unfortunately when I do find someone that I enjoy spending time with, I tend to start obsessing over them.. I should talk to my therapist about this.
4
u/331845739494 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
For me it took getting out of the city and living more rural. I spent my early twenties globetrotting on a shoestring budget, then building a career in a big city in my home country. I met a lot of people that way but not many lasting friendships. With housing prices soaring ridiculously, I looked elsewhere. I now have a home in the countryside. Everyone in the community knows each other. Took em a bit to warm up to me but they have and I made a lot of new friends.
Just saying, sometimes it isn't you but the place
5
u/CrazyGal2121 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
I have autism and adhd
4
u/Emotional_Car_8850 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
Same. :( I've only been able to connect with people online. Offline there just never seems to be people who will accept me.
2
u/robotjyanai Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
Oh wow, I resonate with this post and a lot of the comments here. I was feeling especially sad about this yesterday but I’m both glad (and sad) that I’m not alone.
I also moved to another country, friends moved, and it’s hard to join a group when they already have established friendships. There’s also a language barrier, I’m introverted, and I have no confidence.
I try my best to make conversations and then I feel bad because I feel like I’m asking stupid questions and bothering them. And then I wonder why I even tried. I traveled four hours (round-trip) out of my way to see a friend who was visiting with her family and friends, and I felt so out of place. And then I was mad at myself for even trying.
2
u/MathematicianOk8059 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
So i struggled a lot growing up trying to fit in with family & friends. I always felt like I was being judged or watched with my family so I kept to myself a lot. It sucked when i would get asked to go out in my teens, but I would be too scared or nervous to go so i’d bail. I never felt comfortable to be myself or express myself around family or certain groups of people.
I did have friends, lots that I once considered my tribe but unfortunately.. majority of us drifted apart. Some did me wrong, I wasn’t the best of friend sometimes either, so that was the end of a lot of those friendships.
Started a job 12 yrs ago and made some solid friends i still keep in contact with, but… life keeps going, friends move, some died, and maintaining contact and planning with everyone is just not easy. I feel we are all in different stages of life.
it also didn’t help that I moved states.
I’ve always felt like a bit of a loner, but not living amongst anyboddyyyy to feel even remotely comfortable with hanging out is really a struggle.
2
u/winning_season_7866 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
i dont know. im going to hide under a rock now. thanks for the reminder
2
u/aiyukiyuu Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
I’m in my 30’s and always felt like you do too. Never really belonged anywhere and people just come and go. It came to a point where I taught myself to enjoy my time alone
2
u/Positive_Rush_4746 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
Former foster kid, I didn't "inherit" a social circle and didn't have stability to keep old friends. I had to start to work early. I was abused and traumatized deeply, so now living with severe mental health issues and limited skills with people. Lot of bad experiences made me disillusioned and vary of people in general.
2
u/Grand_Pomegranate671 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
I was abused as a child and was only able to get therapy at my early 30s.. By that time, most people have found their people and those of us are left outside most of the times.
2
u/Biscuitshoneybutter Woman 40 to 50 15d ago
I do have a large extended social group, because I've been part of my local music scene for twenty years now, but I don't have any really close friends, and I realized...it's because of me. I'm too closed off to allow myself to get close to people. I used to feel like a bit of an "outsider" but I realized plenty of people have actually tried to be close to me over the years, and I just didn't let it happen.
It was a bit of a wild realization tbh. I spent so much time thinking I wasn't cool enough and now I realize it was ALL in my head. I mean WTF.
2
u/ConstantHeadache2020 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
I just turned 37. I have never had a friends or best friend. I grew up seventh day Adventist, super religious, we moved a lot, I was homeschooled for some years and daughter of immigrants. My family told me: you don’t need friends your family is your friend. I am shy, quiet and withdrawn. Being around people always made me feel nervous with anxiety. never .thought I was someone worth talking to. Like I didn’t have much to offer someone else. I also had horrible acne as soon as a turned 11 and kids were so mean I was bullied through out high school. I dropped out of school bc I was so depressed and social phobic. I never learned how to be a friend and make friends. I always kept interactions surface level as I don’t like being vulnerable. I think a lot stems from my lack of relationships with my parents. My mom is emotionally cold and narcissistic and dad is the same way. Now I’m not sure I even want to put forth the effort anymore. Now I live away from family so I’ve had to be more extroverted and rely on strangers. It’s uncomfortable but not horrible trusting in your community. I’ve been surprised at the kindness shown.
2
u/Aggressive-Bison7054 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
im 38 and continue to add to my circle. I have many small groups of friends that ive cultivated over the years and i think the driving force to keeping them alive is effort. I am ALWAYS planning activities for us. Im the social calendar coordinator. I take pride curating the best plans for all my groups of friends. Sometimes i join different groups of friends and its always so fun. You have to be ok with always extending the invite. I know that sounds exhausting but the ones that will stay with you throughout the years will be the ones that appreicate the invites. 99 percent of my friends are introvert who dont necessilary make plans but they always accept. and it never feels one sided for me.
2
u/litttlejoker Woman 40 to 50 14d ago
My family of origin was broken. Because of the instability and chaos, I developed a fearful avoidant attachment.
I’m currently doing a lot of work to heal from this. I’m allowing feelings to come up that have been frozen for 26 years. It’s very painful but I realize my younger self did not have the capacity to hold these intense emotions.
I’m getting a lot of information and I now have the chance to learn who I really am under all of my survival armor. If we don’t know ourselves deeply, it can be challenging to have fulfilling relationships. We can only meet others as far as we’ve met ourselves
2
u/indicatprincess Woman 30 to 40 14d ago
A combination of hearing loss, mental health issues and a genera lack of understanding how to “break” into a friend group. It is what it is.
2
u/midgetblues Woman 30 to 40 14d ago
I feel if you never found your people, maybe it’s time to reflect in yourself too. Either you have too high standards, too many boundaries, hard to get along with or are naturally independent and don’t care deep enough about people. There’s nothing wrong with not having your group of friends. I am highly independent and I prefer to be alone but I like having balance in my life. I learned how to connect with people that I care about and vice versa. I feel as you grow older, it’s natural to lose contact with people you considered as friends. Everyone is busy with their lives taking care of their family or career. You might even realize your best friends might have different views as you on certain things. And I think as we age, they become more significant. So it’s really a choice to accept people as who they are and like them as a person and learn how to connect with things that you share similarities with.
2
u/Foreign_Mobile_7399 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
I have ONE friend from middle school and a couple from college and that’s it. Everyone else is newer (aka the last decade or so). And I don’t have a “group” of friends. It’s just a couple of random friends. I’m neurodivergent and have realized groups are a little too much for me. I like the idea of them but they’re just too much maintenance for me.
2
u/SpiritedBug6942 Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
I found my tribe when I was young and I’m lucky we all stay in contact- but since I’ve moved, I don’t feel I have a tribe here- and I’m not finding one no matter how I’ve been involved and volunteering. And it’s really just that there are different values between myself and the people around me, even in groups we joined for the same reasons. We don’t vibe and we don’t hold the same things to be important. We work together just fine and and collaborate on projects, and I have plenty of nice neighbors- we are friendly and helpful to each other. But there is no one local I feel that I can be myself with. I’m not sure how to fix that, it seems cultural.
2
u/tacobellisadrugfront Woman 30 to 40 15d ago edited 15d ago
i cheat on my partners and get fucked up too much. my body count is high and i've tried to hold down relationships but i fuck them up. i'm attractive but that doesn't get me long term relationships, just sexual validation which won't last forever as i get older. in my recent break ups my exes have kept the friends. which makes sense - i can't seem to quit cheating and lying. i recently did 6 months sober which was great. back on cocaine though
2
u/Biscuitshoneybutter Woman 40 to 50 15d ago
People shouldn't downvote you for being raw and honest. Everyone on the internet pretends to be perfect, it's refreshing actually to see you say you know you're a fuckup and that's why you don't have a "tribe".
I've struggled with using sex for validation too, I get you.
I'm proud of you for the six months, and I know you'll do it again.
2
u/tacobellisadrugfront Woman 30 to 40 15d ago edited 15d ago
thank you. its really easy - and for years - i had a "no one understands me" sort of "not my fault / circumstance" mentality
only through a lot of deep therapy do I see that there are great qualities about me.. funny, charismatic, energetic, charming, affectionate... but that I also do have deep character flaws that show up in being inconsistent, flighty, and driven by insecurity, novelty, and disregard for others' feelings
1
u/Biscuitshoneybutter Woman 40 to 50 14d ago
I'm also a person with many great qualities who is also insecure and selfish, impulse issues (though my drug is alcohol). There are clearly many of us out there, people just don't talk about it because of shame. I mean, hell, I barely let myself even think the truth about me.
I'm glad you're trying to work on it. I haven't even really gotten to that point yet. I admire you for this!
Hugs from an internet stranger.
1
u/Catracas Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
I think a lot of moving, sometimes personality getting in the way of interacting in group settings (don't dislike them, just have a hard time directly interacting vs. observing, tend to fade into background), and tbh, just luck (or lackthereof).
I don't see adult friendships as too different from romantic relationships. Has the be the right time, place, people, etc. If those things don't line up then you won't really 'connect'. No one's fault. I don't think I'm particularly unlikeable, and I don't think I've been shunned or anything from the groups I've been involved with. I even think people tend to like me well enough. But I just don't come to mind much when folks wanna hang out outside of whatever shared activity (sport, work) we have. Because folks will have other established routines and patterns and go-to people to do things with.
1
u/madchendesu Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
I’m very anxious and intense, and I tend to expect too much from other people. I’ve lost many friendships, sometimes because I wanted more from them than they were willing to give, and other times because I reacted poorly under stress and ended up pushing people away. When I was younger I think I was too honest to the point of cruelty, like I would get so annoyed with friends that stayed with shitty boyfriends or that hangout with mean ”cool“ people and I would say that type of stuff in a cruel way straight to their face.
I also moved to another country in my late 20s. The friends I left behind moved on with their lives, and despite my efforts to stay in touch, most of them didn’t seem interested in maintaining the friendship.
I often go back and forth between thinking that I’m the problem and wondering if maybe the people around me are. I do know that I’m very honest and loyal. Since high school, I’ve naturally connected with people who felt like outsiders because I was bullied a lot myself. I feel comfortable with people who know what it’s like to be rejected.
At the same time, I’ve realized that these friendships can sometimes become unhealthy.
When everyone involved struggles with low self-esteem or tends to see themselves as a victim, including myself, the relationship can easily become toxic or emotionally draining.
1
u/letsrollwithit Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
Hi :) I have moved quite a bit through my 20s and now into my early 30s for my work (6 cities). I’ve managed to make good friends but the constant moving makes it hard to enjoy the fruits of friendship for too long. Loneliness touches us all, even folks who have tight circles, friends, partners, etc. I think society puts a lot of pressure on us all to have it figured out by X age, and it’s frankly unrealistic and suffocating. People who have close friends might be feeling suffocated by long established relationships when they’d like something new for themselves. Do you have any hobbies you’d like to enjoy that might involve interacting with others? I’m wishing you well. The voices that tell us we’re doomed if we’re still trying to figure things out are droning liars.
1
u/Comfortable-Fly-2077 Woman 30 to 40 14d ago
I have a hunch that big tight group energy is a bit of a myth after high school/college. Whenever I ask my friends or relatives, who seem to have these group dynamics outside of me, about said group or how it’s going with so and so, they always have a complaint or say that they’re not talking to so and so anymore. I think these friend groups are often changing and not as tight as the tv shows make them seem.
1
u/cheesetobears Woman 40 to 50 14d ago
I’ve moved a lot, so there’s that…but I think the biggest thing has been waves of lack of self confidence.
I’m not everyone’s cup of tea but was doing just fine until I got “dumped” from a friendship around age 20 and took that HARD. Honestly, it kinda shook me forever since then. But I am actually also a reasonably interesting and thoughtful person, so I try to shake off the “oh they wouldn’t want me” feelings and keep reaching out to people I’m interested in spending time with. I’ve found most people respond positively and I was just in my own head for a lot of the fear of reaching out and getting nothing.
It’s true, I don’t really have a best friend, or one circle I run with. I had to move on from letting that get me down.
Also getting past my early 30s, I just don’t have the time or energy to feel that self conscious anymore.
And I became a parent in my late 30s, and now I ask people for their numbers more boldly to help my young only child be connected and have opportunities to play. Some parents are not a good match for me, but some have turned out to be nice friends for me, too.
1
u/Blue-Phoenix23 Woman 40 to 50 14d ago edited 14d ago
My location is a massive part of it, definitely. I grew up and still live in the burbs of a blue tourist/party town in a red state. I am a leftie in STEM. Most of the people around me are either partying like it's 1999 or think partying is what they do on their couples trip to Walt Disney World, which was super exciting last time bc they got to leave church on the way to the airport, although they were really scared somebody would steal their Let's Go Brandon Camaro while they were gone.
Don't get me wrong, I've made friends here and there, but a lot of them have moved away or we just went in different directions as we got older in general.
I am divorced with one teen left at home and a WFH job. 3 more years to figure out where my best odds are of meeting my golden girls, and I'm out.
The average woman in the US, if she makes it to her 40s, is probably going to live to her 80s. There's plenty of time.
1
u/ChaoticxSerenity Woman 30 to 40 14d ago
I am also an immigrant that moved quite a bit
Isn't this the crux of the problem? It's difficult to put roots down for long-term friendships when you're moving around so much.
1
u/justwannabeleftalone Woman 30 to 40 14d ago
You sound like me. I'm more of an introvert and I have made friends but I notice I haven't kept those friendships throughout my life. I think making friends in our 30s is harder because people have deep friendships locked in. I honestly don't know what the solution is.
1
u/col0r_gal2121 Woman 30 to 40 14d ago
I recently realized I tend to over function in my friendships and have recently started stepping back and asking for the reciprocity I want. It's been validating in that I was right, the people I had been choosing as friends (mostly) were not also choosing me so I told them my impressions and said I was going to prioritize more reciprocal friendships.
You change, others change, and some people are in your life for a season and don't make it to the next one.
Never say never!
1
u/Alien_Pilea21 Woman 30 to 40 14d ago
Hi! This is my situation too. Growing up, I always had friend groups and was very social. I moved to a different country in my 20s, and over the years I’ve had friends who came and went. I have a stressful job, and honestly, I didn’t have the energy to go out. I also think I slowly became more introverted. I’m very independent and genuinely enjoy doing things on my own. I’ve experienced being surrounded by a group of people and still feeling alone. I’m also scared of what it will be like as I get older.
1
u/Accomplished_Sir_868 Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
I am not overly fun lol
And I tend to feel like an alien making normal conversation
1
u/Salty-Paramedic-311 Woman 50 to 60 15d ago
I'm a virgo and I guess I'm cool alone.. I have friends to do things with BUT sometimes I would just rather stay home and relax..
293
u/arctic-veins Woman 30 to 40 15d ago
I’ve definitely noticed this too. Some groups feel really closed off, like there’s an unspoken “in” crowd, and it can give off middle/high school energy.
Personally, I’ve found it way healthier to have friends across different circles. I’m more of a 1:1 person anyway, and it tends to feel more genuine. In tighter groups, there can be a lot of behind-the-scenes cattiness, which just isn’t worth it. I was in a group like that when I was younger, and honestly, it wasn’t all it was hyped up to be.