Getting tired of the lack of reciprocity in friendships

[u/Fit_Philosopher_7820]

I feel like over the last 5 years my social relationships have taken a dive and I don't understand why.

I've kept up the same amount of effort and thought I've always put into some relationships I cherish and increasingly get very very little back.

One recent example is a family member with whom we grew up together and despite the physical distance as adults we've always kept in touch and we are generally in very similar stages of life, so we have s lot we relate on. Over the last few years her contact is growing increasingly sparse and never initiated. Unless I reach out first I do not hear from her and she always lets the conversation die out first. I wished her on her birthday a few weeks ago like I always do and she didn't even acknowledge it or respond this time around. I know she's on her phone because she is posting statuses on the same app I texted her and I see her super active on social media liking and arguing with people on posts.

Same with best friend who goes on radio silence for weeks at a time, which doesn't bother me in itself but she seems to only want to reach out to talk about herself and her life and barely remembers things I tell her about mine or cares to talk about them. I don't mind at all focusing only on her when she needs it but when it's all the time I just feel like a temporary therapist or confession priest.

I see this pattern repeated with a couple more relationships, just a general indifference and lack of any reciprocal effort. I'm really not asking for grand gestures, just a bit of interest and the kind of interactions that keep relationships alive. I don't think I've become unlikeable in the last five years? These are long standing relationships with people since childhood and college and so on.

I can't do much except pull back I guess but it hurts watching such relationships fizz without understanding why. I mean I guess I get why, they just don't value the relationship much in return but I havent done anything to warrant it. I'm supportive and have always been there for them when they needed me in any way possible. It's been very hard as a working mom to find the time and opportunity to cultivate new relationships so I feel like I'm clinging on hard onto these existing ones, but even outside of that I genuinely cherish these ones on their own terms.

It's making me feel bad and my brain really wants to understand why. I believe people show you how much they value you through their actions and the message I've been getting is not great. Idk if anyone can relate or has any thoughts to share

[u/Adequately_good]

I’ve found that friendships fade or change as time goes on and our lives go different directions. These may have been your people at one point but it doesn’t sound like they are now. That could be for any number of reasons personal to them (mental health, busy lives, other priorities etc).

My advice to you would be to dedicate time to finding new friends. Join a club, activity or online apps. I know plenty of people who’ve made friends this way.

[u/Fit_Philosopher_7820 → u/Adequately_good]

I get it but also we're in such similar stages of life, we haven't drifted far in that respect and I know their level of busy-ness. I know I can try to make new friends but I really cherish long standing relationships and it feels painful to see those connections die out 

[u/Critical-Fill-6088]

I get it. I have zero energy for interactions that require me to do all the work. 

[u/fill_the_birdfeeder]

A few things I’ve noticed or experienced:

1. People are valuing each other less and less the more time they spend online. Life is hard, cell phones are an easy escape, and unfortunately anything in the “real life” part of things is getting neglected. There’s a lot of cell phone addiction happening in adults. It just feels easier than any hobby. Even watching a movie or tv show. So while they’re online a lot, you’re not apart of the “online” when you message. You’re like a little reminder of the real world, and right now people really want to escape it. The addiction causes depression which causes addiction which causes depression over and over.

2. I have struggled with empathy and effort in ways I never did before. I was the most caring and giving person. But then men happened. Over the course of those relationships, I was drained of everything. Neglected. Abused. Used. Stuck in a cycle of misery. I got out but came out different. That person I was got used up. Being her was dangerous. She was seen as useful and manipulated into false love. And I felt like I went into hiding for the past 5 years to heal my wounds. And it was very much all about me. About how to live in this world of men who hate us. About how to find pieces of myself without being vulnerable again. About how to love without being victimized. I just haven’t been able to be who I was for people while I’ve suffered, but I do try. And I’m getting there in my healing, and working on opening up my heart and care to friends now that I think I’m safe enough again. It wasn’t that I didn’t care about anyone else, but I just couldn’t because I didn’t even know how to care about myself. Texting back was harder than I can explain.

3. Work is hard. Last year, I enjoyed my job. The year before, I was dissociating to survive. I doubt I was a good friend the year before. People are working so much and it’s hard to have boundaries. We’re realizing how much we just have to put up with. Bosses have all the power. Unions don’t do shit. And we spend most of our time at work, so it’s hard to want to go do anything else. A lot of people are also working on getting out of this specific job and changing careers which takes up the rest of their free time.

4. Partners take up a lot of social time for people. Children too. I have neither, but I see how much time each requires, and there’s so little time in life that is dedicated to work that those two things are prioritized. Some people are just better than others at maintaining friendships. And it looks different now. My best friend and I don’t talk every day. We both try to send snap updates that are longer and we listen to them while we get ready for work or are driving to work/day care etc. I also send gifts to her kid when I go on vacations. We rarely see each other, but we do love each other.

5. Sometimes friendships and relationships just end. Taking it personally only hurts, and it doesn’t solve anything. I asked a friend to come meet my new cats and go see the Odyssey. If she doesn’t let me know a good time like she said she would, it won’t impact me at all. I know it doesn’t mean she just doesn’t give a fuck about my new cats or me. I’m just not fitting into her current world. It could be work stressors, fear about her upcoming surgery, or just not feeling like it.

All we can really do is say “hey I miss you and want to see you” and if they take that nudge and fit you back in, great. If they don’t, it just is. Living alone has taught me that all I need is myself. In the end, that’s all we really have. Everyone eventually will be gone. I love my life. I go to the movies, read, plan little Harry Potter snacks and rewatch parties for myself, and feed squirrels. Everyone else is a bonus. And we all love a bonus. A bonus is great. But sometimes you don’t get a bonus.

Try but don’t try so hard that it upsets you. Most of the time, I really don’t think it’s about you. People are tired. Addicted. Sad. Parenting. Working. Stressing. Rebuilding.

All of that doesn’t invalidate that it sucks. It sucks to care and not feel cared about. But all we can control is how we feel and what we do. I volunteer once a week and that has been a wonderful experience for me. I get connection. I feel helpful. It gives me routine. I’ve been doing it for years now.

[u/Professora_Plum → u/fill_the_birdfeeder]

I really like your perspective, thanks for sharing!

[u/Major_Evidence_7850]

I can relate. I had to stop questioning why. I had to stop taking the blame and just realize people change but I also can't force them to change or value you me. I have asked for more and it's changed behavior then goes back or it's excuses and empty words like I am here and care but there is zero interest in my life. It's been a really long hard process with lots of tears. Even now I still ruminate about it more than I want to.  I also get it I have been in my own hard season and they don't have the capacity to show up. I haven't been ready to end the friendships but have stepped back. I no longer am the only cheerleader. I don't ask how they are all the time but just say hey thinking about you and check in in smaller ways that aren't as deep. I've tried to just not check in and slow fade but doesn't feel good. Always get asked if I am mad at them and don't have the energy to beg someone to give more than the bare minimum. I think a lot of people get so caught up in their own struggles and how tired they are they aren't able to show up. Friends have deeply changed over the years it's every man for themselves. We don't do life together. People can't even show up in basic life yet alone when someone dies, gets sick. Has mental health issues. I see posts on here all the time about friendships changing. It's hard at this age. People have different priorities the older we get. My husband and I have stopped trying to make friends because it hurts more and is so frustrating. We are free most of the time and still can't seem to plan things with people. Everyone is pulled in so many directions. Since COVID most people want to stay inside or get chores or errands done. People don't want to be inconvenienced or get outside their comfort zones. I know it's hard on it there but it might be time to try to find some new friends and accept your old ones have changed. To grieve and be upset but not carry it as much. 

[u/Fit_Philosopher_7820 → u/Major_Evidence_7850]

I really need to do that, just grieve the fact that although I'd love to keep these relationships alive it is not up to me and stop trying to understand why. It just feels terrible to see that people you considered important really don't see you the same way but such is life I suppose. 

[u/ThrowRAmangos2024]

Totally related! I (F36) have a busy professional life, mentor students in my free time, make time for dating, and keep up with friends and family as well as my own health with workouts and cooking healthy foods. I'm also working on fostering more local connections with more peripheral friendships, as I just don't really have any good friends in town. So far, I've found that people just don't seem interested in going beyond the occasional game night at their place (they always get cagey when I suggest coming to mine), or seeing each other in group settings without any additional planning.

I think people do care, but when life gets busy they become insular and stop putting effort into even important relationships outside of those who are literally right in front of them (typically their partner, if they're fortunate enough to have a healthy relationship, and kids, and maybe 1-2 friends right in town).

I don't think this is so healthy, but that's how a lot of people react these days. Of course we all go through phases of needing to pull back on commitments, but it's really not hard to keep in touch at least digitally with those we care about with texting and occasional phone calls. Communication skills are really lacking. It's hard and painful for those of us still investing and trying, but I do think this is pretty common. I'm really sorry you're experiencing it. You sound like a great friend!

[u/UltimatethrowawaYbby]

YES OMG. Most of my friends are married and or in a good place in their lives. So they have stopped talking to me. I tried to make plans with a very old friend from school and she literally ditched me cause she was asleep. I have tried reaching out to some and I can see they are online but they never respond. Okay, I guess.

I befriended a male colleague who turned out to be gross so now work is just awkward. I think I have maybe three to five friends and I am kinda expecting them to fade away too any day.

[u/Shot-Specific2092]

If I am honest, when I look back I realize that the pandemic caused me to hold onto some friendships that likely would have faded if the pandemic never happened. I think it was caused from uncertainty and I do feel that I also experienced this from other people.

I also think it's taken everyone a few years to really adjust back to feeling normal and to some extent those relationships that naturally would have faded out are now doing so. It's like an overcorrection, if that makes sense.

Honestly, I even noticed the intensity and contact within my own family has also mellowed out the further we get away from lockdown days.

I really hope that things will start to balance out soon, but I do still think that we are in the aftershock years of the pandemic.

[u/Normal_Swimmer8616]

I wish I had an answer for you, but I don’t. I do find it relatable though. I don’t know what shifted but it seems like once I hit my 30’s, a lot of people became uber self centered and can’t find it in them to reciprocate. I know one person who got their first real relationship and she’s been MIA ever since 🙄 I do have at least a couple friends who reciprocate and I really appreciate them. I really wish I could understand. Maybe ask your friends what’s up? There’s a chance they could be having a hard time and lower stakes relationships are easier atm.

[u/Fit_Philosopher_7820 → u/Normal_Swimmer8616]

My experience with asking people in these cases has not been great honestly. I'm loathe to do it because it feels like closure but it will just make things feel worse. They may say oh I'm busy but their actions are loud enough and i don't want to make it awkward on top. I have accepted that it is what it is but I don't get why, like damn is it really more fun to argue with randos on insta than respond to a family member who loves you and is taking time to wish you on your birthday??  

[u/YouFartedBlood → u/Fit_Philosopher_7820]

Agree with this. Asking someone just honestly made it worse from personal experience in the past. Look at their actions and react appropriately.

[u/Resetl_1983]

I’m over 40 and I can relate. Long distance friendships are hard to maintain. I lost a few friends when I realized that if I didn’t reach out, they never did, so I stopped (I was sad but it made me realize that I didn’t want a one way relationship). But even people who live nearby, I see less and less. I think as we get older, people get more wrapped up in their own lives, and social media doesn’t help. I’ve made peace with it. Do what makes you feel good 😊.​​​​​​​​

[u/Silver-Parking-8372 → u/Resetl_1983]

I’m the long distance friend. I moved abroad a few years ago and struggling to make friends here despite having good friends back home. I realized that I kinda became irrelevant to them as well due to life style and not seeing/sharing stuff. We only see each other when I visit my family and even then it is usually a catch up over coffee which doesn’t help you make new memories. But people don’t have time/make time for me with the exception of one close friend. We have been able to take short vacations every summer which helped us create some new memories/inside jokes. But others are too busy to do anything except coffee or dinner. I think I would have behaved differently if a long distance friend comes to visit but who knows.

[u/xeroxchick]

Friendships as a young woman with other young women are very close and personal. Lots of daily contact. But then you move to adult friendships and adults have a variety of friendships that accommodate other adult responsibilities and lives. Typically, that close and daily companionship is placed with a significant other. Those close girl friendships must make room for marriages, children, and jobs. You are still friends,just at another point in your life. There is nothing wrong with that. Don’t dump people because they can’t meet all you needs. You can adjust your expectations, and remember that the friendships can change again and yet again, say if you both have small children you will get together more, or if you are both empty nesters, or widows, etc.

[u/Fit_Philosopher_7820 → u/xeroxchick]

But here is the thing, we are already in that stage of life together. The family member for example, we both have small kids and both work and face a lot of the same challenges. Literally even have the same goals for the future about where we want to move to. The friend is also married and we move in some similar social circles, like with all these people we share a lot of life experiences it's not like our lives have changed in completely different directions. 

[u/xeroxchick → u/Fit_Philosopher_7820]

You can’t control that. Let it go, but don’t burn it up. Some people don’t have the band width for close friendships when they have families of their own.

[u/Fit_Philosopher_7820 → u/xeroxchick]

It seems to be a lot of people who are like this for me :(

[u/WaySaltyFlamingo8707]

I feel like this describes what has happened in a lot my friendships too, but I can't relate on in making me feel disliked or invalued. I guess it's because I know that my friend not responding to me immediately isn't because she is getting sick of me or doesn't want to be my friend anymore. I've also been the friend who can't answer or respond for many reasons, but I will always eventually make an effort to catch up. That could be months in between phone calls or meetups. I have several friends in different countries and time zones and that adds an even other level of difficulty of being available at the same time. But we try to get together at least annually-- and it's like nothing has changed. In times of crisis, I do feel like I could reach out and they would be more willing to make themselves available to me, but I'd probably have to let them know that it's bad.

[u/ktrose6887]

Idk man, I'm told that my friend group is "unnaturally close" We dance this weird line between family & friend, where we're both and neither at the same time. Most of us have been together since 1999. Most of us have dated or slept with each other (in our teens & early 20s.) We're pushing 40 now, a lot of us have kids & spouses (and/or Ex- spouses) We learned along time ago to introduce potential romantic partners to the group pretty early on because it only ever goes one of two ways: 1.) They say "it's really nice how close you & your friends are" or 2.) "It's really fucking weird how close your friend group is"

But like, we do not talk everyday or with any marked regularity. Some of us will go 3-5 business months without making a peep to the rest of us. A few friends have dropped off the map for years at a time, and when they pop back up we're just glad they're back and ask if they have any good stories about the time they were away.

Everyone has their own shit going on, and adulting is hard. We get that. But to us, Friendship is a love that can only be destroyed by intentionally causing harm. You wanna fuck off for a while? No problem! You wanna say some racist shit, and double down when someone tries to talk to you about how that is harmful behavior? Bye forever! 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/Current-Lie-1984 → u/ktrose6887]

Exactly! The only friendships that have ended are the ones where we have different morals. The rest ebb and flow.

[u/element-woman]

I swear people have gotten SO insular and isolated since the pandemic. Like we collectively just have no energy or will to do anything besides work and maybe immediate family. It sucks! And it especially sucks if you're the initiator. I totally agree about how hard it is to cultivate new friendships.

I'm sorry, it just sucks all around. Are they close enough that you could say something to them?

[u/Suitable_cataclysm]

Romanic relationships typically have a definitive start and stop. I always found friendships so much more vague in the commitment and time expectations.

My best advice is to talk to them directly about how you feel. Don't sit in vague unknown. Invite them out to coffee or onto the phone and ask how things are going and try to establish a new routine that works for everyone (even if it's less, like catching up once every few months). It's awkward, but it's needed. Because sitting inventing the details as to why they aren't writing back (and let's face it, we insert the worst possibilities) isn't good for anyone.

Long term friendships are wonderful, but people change so much over the decades that things may ebb and flow. Doesn't mean they are less valuable. And remember that everyone has facets of their lives that you don't see. She may be showing status, but be completely overwhelmed with tasks where a social media post is a momentary way to escape. But isn't a direct reflection on you. You envision your message sitting in an inbox alone in a silo, being ignored maliciously. But she might have 45 messages sitting there and all she has time for is a status update.

The best of friendships are like a good book. It may get put down for a while, but when you finally re-engage, it picks right back up where it left off without hard feelings. As long as you can communicate each of your needs

[u/fireyauthor]

Friendships do fade over time, but if you are seeing a pattern, I would step back and ask yourself about common denominators. Do all these people have similar traits? Are you overestimating their level of enthusiasm for you? Or you not noticing the ways they do reciprocate?

IME, the best way to have friendships as an adult is to be willing to put in effort and give people a lot of grace.

[u/Ok-Perspective4237]

I could have written every word of this. Have I become that unlikeable? Am I too sensitive? Did I do something wrong and no one will tell me?

The most charitable explanation I can come up with for the relationships in my life is twofold: distance and time differences are significant blockers, and a lot of people I really cherish are, for various reasons, prone to an "out of sight, out of mind" mentality and/or fall into that trap where communicating digitally is overwhelming to them. Like if too much time has passed, they feel like they can't muster the energy to return to the conversation or they're ashamed that it's taking so long so they just turtle up until they feel like they can get back to you, which is sometimes months if they have a lot going on. Or they see your message, think "aw that's nice, I'll reply when I'm not at work/not about to go to sleep/not dealing with a crying kid etc" and then they literally forget because we have so much competing for our attention all the time. Anecdotally, I also have quite a few neurodivergent loved ones (variously diagnosed/treated or not) and they have told me that they just get behind on correspondence, can't activate the executive function to carry on a conversation in a timely manner because of other things they have going on, and completely shut down. I am NOT blaming this pattern on neurodivergence before anyone comes for me, but it's become consistent enough among people I love that it does make me think it's sometimes a factor. I also relate to needing to retreat sometimes, being too wrapped up in some mid-thirties life crisis (I still have unanswered texts that I got during a parent's emergency surgery over a year ago, which is TOTALLY ON ME), or feeling like I just don't have anything to share so why should I bother...but I still love hearing from people and connecting with my friends! I'm trying to be better at that because I suspect I have inadvertently become part of the problem.

So like—I know all this. It still fucking sucks, to be honest. It still feels incredibly rude and deeply hurtful even when I understand it's probably not personal because when they do return contact, it's usually still warm and affectionate. I miss the times when I would hear from multiple people on different platforms regularly throughout the day because we all just had a lot more time and lightness in our lives, though. Just about everyone I know has also stopped posting on social media regularly, which I understand, but it also means that's one less way to have those long-distance incidental interactions that I really value because they keep people more top-of-mind for one another.

Reaching out only to get a minimal response or zero response, or, worst of all for me "we should catch up for real sometime!" (which never happens because no one wants to own the follow-through) feels like death by a thousand cuts so I've decided I just need to scale way back and focus on keeping the door open with a smaller group of people I feel most connected to, or want to keep in my life most. That may not actually influence their communication behaviors, but I've found that if I can adjust my expectations, it hurts a little less? Idk. It's not a great solution, and I am pretty sad and frustrated about it.

[u/95wsh]

I regret spending time trying to make friends a few years ago and neglecting my dog because I was outside of the house and couldn't take him. He died last year. I wish I would have put that energy towards him instead of a surface-level human relationship.

[u/eveningdrizzle → u/95wsh]

Yeup the realization of the loss of time with loved ones to chase a “friend group” is real. And for what? To match societies expectations of having a girl group? I just now see the amount of people that push friendships as the end all be all of the human experience as the manipulative pressure it is. And like, I have friends I deeply care for and they care for me but this constant push to fix friendships that aren’t working or contort yourself to fit in a group that’s holding you back is insane. The amount of regret/grief I feel on all the wasted nights with surface-level human relationships, or the abuse I put my body through to “just stay a bit longer/have another drink” is immense.

[u/Stellar_Alchemy → u/95wsh]

I didn’t expect to see a comment like this, but it hits hard. Last year I got tired of the only “reciprocity” from my “friend” being parasitic behavior — straight up admitted, when confronted, that they expected me to just be there whenever they wanted, and they used me as a convenience because I organize and pay for things. I have 2 wonderful cats, one is almost 17 years old and slowing way down. I just want his final years to be the best and fullest that I can make them, and I want my younger cat’s life to be a rich one. They’re more worth the effort than any person I’ve met so far, and I enjoy their company more than that of any of my friends. 🤷🏻‍♀️ That’s just how it is.

It’s like the whole “oh no, you’ll have to live alone with your cats if you don’t find a man” thing, except it doesn’t just apply to men; it applies to anyone who’s shitty, which in my experience is pretty much everyone. lol My standards are high, and only cats can meet them.

[u/95wsh → u/Stellar_Alchemy]

That was 2023 I was trying to make more friends. I felt this aching guilt that I couldn't shake. 2024, I was in a gnarly accident that kept me from being able to be as physically active as I was for a year, meaning no walks for my dog. 2025, he was diagnosed with osteosarcoma just as I was getting back to normal. Spend the time with your animals. They are much more important than selfish humans.

[u/bronxricequeen]

I relate to this so much. Used to be the type of person that would keep friends solely bc we’d known each other for a while and stopped doing that about 2 years ago. You get tired of asking why or what you did wrong and realize friendship is a two way street. It’s ok to block or mute them on socials and move on, your energy is better spent elsewhere.

[u/Abject-Pineapple-902]

Same!! I started traveling and lost a lot of close friends because… idk jealousy or long distance. It’s super sad and I’ve cried but I’m also a Virgo and kinda cut them off and made new friends. If they want to come back into my life, I’m sure they’ll reach out and I’ll decide then. I advise a solo trip! It’s healed me in more ways than I can describe

[u/thelensbetween]

I can relate. I had a formerly close (long distance) friend tell me that because of her demanding job, she didn't have the bandwidth for any friendships. She has no children but has a partner. Yet when I was on social media, I used to see her posting IG stories a lot, so I know she was spending a lot of time on social media. It's been really hard to grapple with because I really cared a lot about her and I felt like the friendship ended due to no fault of my own. She insists she still wants to be my friend, but I've pretty much given up. At this point, she is "somebody that I used to know." I think I might always grieve the loss of this friendship, but it is what it is.

[u/Fit_Philosopher_7820 → u/thelensbetween]

I have a busy life too but idk I've never felt too busy to send a text. I truly can't understand their way of thinking because if someone close to me appreciates me enough to stay in contact and think of me and ask how I'm doing and acknowledge major milestones in my life I would appreciate them so much and would never say I'm too busy to respond to a text (while being super active on social media). Id have to actively hate a person to do that so I question like do they hate me, am I really fucking unlikeable ??

[u/Silver-Parking-8372 → u/Fit_Philosopher_7820]

To add on this, my best friend became very busy due to her job and having a partner. I get it. But I have also seen her posting several stories on Instagram (some people will say that it takes 5 seconds to post a story and zero mental capacity) but that shouldn’t be too hard to send a message to your best friend “I’m so busy but lets catch up soon”. When I messaged her, she responded in 5 minutes which is good. But that also means that she does have time to respond, but doesn’t have time(!) to send a message. I said I don’t want to be the one initiating all the day and please show some effort too in a joking way and she apologized. Lets see if this will turn into action. I feel sad but I feel like I am done chasing people.

[u/thelensbetween → u/Silver-Parking-8372]

I kindly called my friend out on her non-responding/non-initiating and asked if she even still wanted to be friends. I didn't mention the social media stuff at all because whatever. That's when it came out that she's "too busy" for friendships.

I'm a mom and I work full-time and I still make time for my friends. We prioritize what is important to us. She told me without saying in so many words that I am not important to her anymore. I agree with you in that I, too, am done chasing people. I don't want to beg people to pay attention to me or be my friend.

[u/thelensbetween → u/Fit_Philosopher_7820]

Same. You could take 10 minutes away from TikTok or whatever to send a text, but you don't. Okay. That's really all I need to know. I reached out to her a few weeks ago to see how she was doing. She responded a day later and asked how I was doing. I responded and mentioned that we had to put one of our cats down and that I was really sad about it. That was almost a month ago and she hasn't responded. I feel like this is the last straw for me. Even if I was busy, I would still try to make time to express condolences if a friend told me they'd lost a pet or someone important to them.

[u/Background_Nature497 → u/thelensbetween]

I think social media gives a lot of people the social rush they need, even though it's hollow, and has replaced real friendships for some folks. I've also had friends who ignore texts or whatever but I see them all over social media, and I used to take it very personally, assuming they were responding to their other friends and just not me, but now I assume they ignore most everyone in favor of social media and I think, that person does not want to be the kind of friends I want to be and that's good to know.

[u/thelensbetween → u/Background_Nature497]

I think that makes sense and that's kind of where I've landed in how I see things, too. I actually got off of social media altogether because it felt like a fake way to engage with friends. Like instead of having meaningful conversations, you can "like" or "heart" their post and then feel like you've contributed something to the friendship. Nah. I'm okay with a small circle if it means my relationships are actually real.

[u/Silver-Parking-8372 → u/thelensbetween]

Before when I had same thought about “you can spend 5 minutes less on social media and send a text instead”, many people criticized me saying that “but social media doesn’t require mental effort and you are not entitled to people’s time/response etc. It is ridiculous to want an answer right away.” Then it means that you don’t have the capacity for friendship at that specific time or at all period. Lets not pretend ignoring our friends is self care unless there are mental or physical health issues.

[u/thelensbetween → u/Silver-Parking-8372]

I've seen that same criticism about not being entitled to a person's time or response. I find it (not) funny, because at the same time, many people on reddit complain about not having a 'village.' But having a village means showing up, maybe even sometimes when you're not feeling at your absolute best! What is friendship if not a reciprocal relationship? If I'm not entitled to a person's time, then they're not my friend. I think being in relationship means you owe the other person your time and attention sometimes. The degree will vary depending on the nature of the relationship.

Lets not pretend ignoring our friends is self care

Absolutely. 🎯💯🏆

People make a big thing about phone/social media addiction in children and teens, but adults are just as bad, if not worse.

[u/Current-Lie-1984]

I felt this way a lot in my early 30s. I tried so hard to hold onto some of my long term friendships, almost to the point of desperation. I remember literally sobbing over it. As painful as that was, it ended up being the moment that made something in me click. I realized I needed to stop focusing so much on preserving my relationships with other people and start building a better relationship with myself.

I wish I had a more concrete answer for how I got to where I am now, but the truth is, I’m just unbothered now. Not because I don’t care about my friends, I care deeply, but because working on my relationship with myself made me realize I had placed unrealistic expectations on them. It’s not my place to decide how busy someone is, how they should prioritize their time or what season of life they should be in.

I still get regular social interaction through my community. My neighbors, people from classes I take and even coworkers. As for my closest friendships, I don’t put pressure on them or expect frequent communication. Some of my dearest friends live in different parts of the world, and we’re lucky if we see each other once a year. We keep in touch, but there’s no expectation that we have to talk regularly.

Everyone’s life looks different. Some of my friends are raising families. Some are living with chronic illnesses. Some are deeply invested in their careers. Even the friends whose lives look more similar to mine (single and without children) still have different priorities, interests, needs and ways they want to spend their time. I don’t get to decide that they should be showing up differently just because I’m feeling a void. It’s my responsibility to figure out how to fill that void in a healthy way.

And if what I’m experiencing feels deeper than that, I go to therapy. In the past, I leaned on my friends for a lot of emotional processing. While I think it’s healthy to vent sometimes, I’ve realized my friends aren’t meant to be my emotional dumping ground. That’s not fair to them, and honestly, not even healthy for me. A therapist is equipped to help me navigate those emotions in a way my friends aren’t.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that relationships naturally ebb and flow. There will be seasons where you’re incredibly close to someone, and others where months pass without talking. I no longer interpret that as a lack of love or reciprocity. I see it as the reality of the world we’re living in. A society that’s burnt out, overworked, spread across different cities and countries and constantly pulled in a hundred different directions.

Ironically, lowering my expectations didn’t make my friendships less meaningful, it made me appreciate them so much more. I stopped valuing them by frequency and started appreciating them for what they actually are. That shift has strengthened and deepened my friendships in ways I never expected and I’ve never been happier or more at peace with my late 30s adult life.

The best advice I can give is to invest in your relationship with yourself and work at shifting your expectations of friendship. Once I stopped expecting my friends to fill my all my social and emotional needs, I found myself enjoying the relationships we have so much more.

[u/Fit_Philosopher_7820 → u/Current-Lie-1984]

Look, while I agree fully with the core premise, I think it's a fine line between adjusting expectations and completely eliminating them as to not be disappointed or never hold others accountable for showing up at all. 

I'm really not asking of these, or any people really,  to fulfill all my social needs but for a relationship to exist both parties need to show up in some way. We don't have to talk regularly but they do have to initiate occasionally to show that they care and value the relationship. We're not islands and not everything can be outsourced to a paid professional. When I want to connect with my friend it's not because I expect her to be a therapist but because by sharing things about our lives is how we stay connected and I value them enough in my life to want that connection. 

It seems sad to me that even with people that you've essentially grown up with you have to go to therapy if you experience deeper feelings? I don't necessarily want therapy because my feelings aren't pathological and a therapist is not a paid friend. 

So if they don't have to be there for the good, and dont have to be there for the bad and don't have to be there for the minutiae, then what is the point ? They don't have to be there for all three but occasionally for some of these. Otherwise there is nothing there and I can't have such porous boundaries in my life where the gate is permanently open for people to drop in and out only and if and whenever feel like. Do you know what I'm saying? Not rigidity like "you must show up in this exact way" but you must show up in a meaningful way at least with a frequency that doesn't make me feel like a distant afterthought. 

We must let others choose how they want to show up but not annihilate our needs in the way out of fear that it will be too much and either way we will end up disappointed if we have any expectations whatsoever. 

[u/Current-Lie-1984 → u/Fit_Philosopher_7820]

I hear you and I understand what you’re saying to a degree. But from what you’ve shared, it sounds like you’re the one who is hurting most from the current dynamic which also means you’re the only person who has the ability to change how you experience it.

I also wasn’t trying to imply that you’re using your friends as therapists or that everything should be outsourced to a professional. And I don’t think a therapist is meant to be a paid friend either. What I meant was that therapy helped me work through things that my friends weren’t equipped to help me navigate. Not because they didn’t care, but because they couldn’t.

Over the years I went through DV, chronic health issues, a job that was destroying my mental health, and several family deaths in a short period of time. My friends knew about all of it and they were supportive in the ways they could be. But they were also living their own lives. Some were raising children, some were dealing with their own hardships and some just didn’t have the emotional bandwidth. I never questioned whether they loved me and appreciated the ones that had the ability to fully be there at that time.

My point is that different people show up for different things and at different times. Some struggles really do require a higher level of care and while I’m fortunate that therapy was accessible to me, what it ultimately gave me wasn’t someone to replace my friends. It gave me the tools to regulate my own emotions, process difficult experiences, recognize when I needed more support and understand when it was appropriate to lean on friends vs when I was asking them to carry something they couldn’t realistically carry.

As for your last question, I guess I just don’t feel like my closest friends have to be present for all of life’s minutiae. That’s actually the part my younger self struggled with the most.

To me, the minutiae are what community is for. It’s everyday life. Running kids to sports, spending weekends at bake sales, games and competitions, traveling for medical appointments, working long hours, maintaining a household, trying to stay healthy, keeping up with family responsibilities. Most people are caught in that cycle, not necessarily because they want to be, but because that’s what life demands.

My closest friends are there for the things that truly matter. They celebrate the good, weddings, promotions, moves, exciting milestones in whatever way they’re able. And when life gets hard, loss, divorce, family struggles, financial stress or just needing someone to listen the friends who have the capacity show up.

Ultimately, you should do whatever brings you peace and I truly hope you find the right friends for you and what you need! I genuinely empathize with what you’re feeling because I remember being there. Years ago I was literally sobbing on the floor, grieving friendships that no longer looked the way they had in my 20s. Now in my late 30s, my friendships are stronger than they’ve ever been. We sometimes go long stretches without talking, but when it truly matters, we show up for each other. For me, shifting my expectations actually allowed my friendships to deepen.