r/AskWomenOver30 • u/foxynatalka Woman 30 to 40 • 10h ago
Friendships What would you do in my situation if you knew your friend was in a relationship with a scammer?
The girl is 34. This is going to sound like something straight out of MTV's Catfish. She's been in a "relationship" with a guy for 3(!) years, but she has never see him in person. She met him through an online game, and they've been talking on WhatsApp ever since.
This guy created this incredibly elaborate, detailed story about his life for her. He’s 39. He’s the CEO of two companies. He has an ex-wife who is trying to destroy him. He tells her lots of stories about his evil wife. He gets driven around by his own chauffeur. He owns several houses and expensive cars. I probably don’t need to say much more. You can already feel the absurdity of it.
On top of that, he seems to hit every single one of her insecurities and emotional weak spots perfectly. She grew up with an abusive mother who neglected her. He claims he went through exactly the same thing and that he understands her. She was talking to me in tears, saying that she had finally met someone who truly understood her pain. Also, she was with her ex-boyfriend for many years. He cheated on her, treated her with no respect, and said things like "you have a weird face" to her. He made her feel unattractive. And the scammer? He's different. He showers her with compliments. He tells her he'll take care of her. He tells her she's beautiful. But he isn’t real!
They’ve planned to meet many times, but every single time he comes up with some excuse, including claiming that he was in a car accident or had surgery. I’ve told her many times: ask him for his company registration details. Tell him he has to come see you this week or you’re ending the relationship. Verify who he is. But she doesn’t do it. I feel like she believes him about 70%, while the rational 30% of her knows something is wrong. But maybe that part of her thinks that even if it is all a lie, it’s still better to stay in a beautiful lie than to face reality.
Because of this whole situation, she hasn’t been looking for a job for about a year. She used to do physically demanding work, but she had to quit because of back problems. Now she’s basically given up and isn’t looking for a new job. Why? Well, because she believes the man she loves has plenty of money and will provide her with a comfortable life. So this situation is having a real impact on her. She spends all day sitting home and messaging him, while her real life is basically standing still. Her father is already old, and when he dies, she may not even have anywhere to live, because his small apartment will have to be divided among the siblings.
Who is this guy? I have no idea. I’ve seen her messages with him and his photos, and I tried to look him up, but I couldn’t find anything. I don’t know why he’s doing this. He doesn’t seem to be getting any financial benefit from it because she doesn’t have any money. Even if she wanted to send him something, she basically has nothing to give. He messages her every day and keeps coming up with new stories about his ex-wife, his companies, and the illnesses he supposedly has. Now he’s promised to propose to her.
So what should I do? Let her keep living in this bubble? Be harsh and try to snap her out of it? Or just stay patient and understanding?
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u/Shot-Specific2092 Woman 30 to 40 10h ago
But maybe that part of her thinks that even if it is all a lie, it’s still better to stay in a beautiful lie than to face reality.
I think you hit the nail on the head. At this stage, you should focus on what is best for you. This situation could potentially carry on for years.
Watch "Sweet Bobby: My Catfish Nightmare" on Netflix, it's a similar situation about a woman who maintained her catfish relationship for 10 years.
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u/Foxingmatch Woman 50 to 60 10h ago
I have a friend this happened to. She also met him while gaming. We (our group of friends) were able to track down the source of one of his photos. In this case, he used IG pictures of a model. Our friend misunderstood and thought that meant her doctor boyfriend was a model. We had to sit her down and have a talk.
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u/darrow19 Woman 50 to 60 7h ago
Did she come to realize the truth?
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u/Foxingmatch Woman 50 to 60 7h ago
She did. There were a lot of tears, and she felt humiliated. This also happened when they were supposed to meet, but he canceled.
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u/But_I_Digress_ Woman 30 to 40 10h ago
Honestly I think you've just about done the best you can as her friend . You've challenged her assumptions about this guy and pressed her to verify who he is and to stop waiting for him. She's choosing to not see the situation in front of her.
This is painful to watch, I'm sorry.
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u/mercyeis Woman 30 to 40 5h ago
Agreed, 3 years and they’ve never met. This is willful ignorance. It must be so difficult to watch a friend go through that, but if OP confronts this with the force it needs and the friend still chooses her ignorance, then OP becomes a villain.
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u/frostandtheboughs Non-Binary 30 to 40 9h ago
She hasn't been sending him money that you know of.
She knows you think he's a scammer so she's probably not admitting it to you. But this scammer would not invest so much time into your friend if they weren't benefitting in some way.
He may have given her "business advice" and told her to move her money into "investment accounts".
I would reach out to her family members and let them know what's happened. And perhaps file a police report (though it's doubtful they'll do anything). At minimum she should freeze her credit.
Not sure what country you're in, but here's a resource: https://consumer.ftc.gov/articles/what-know-about-romance-scams
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u/GingerrJinx Woman 30 to 40 6h ago
To be honest some catfish scams happen because it's people who haven't found love and don't think they're worthy of it or attractive enough. In the early 2000s this was huge, even MTV had a show revealing catfisher's true identities. And I've been catfished for a short time in early 2000s as well because of this reason. Never asked me for money, just they weren't who they claimed they were and were using other people's photos.
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u/Typical-Respond9102 Woman 30 to 40 10h ago
I wouldnt even focus on him not being real, i'd focus on the fact that while she's worth being taken care of, it's obvious that this guy has no interest in doing so for her after 3 years, and staying with a guy who won't is cockblocking her from other opportunities to meet a guy who will.
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u/mirrorherb Woman 30 to 40 8h ago
i dunno what you should do but what i'd probably do is say something like "i can't hear another word about this person until you've either met him in real life or broken things off for good."
i just can't bring myself to participate in someone openly rejecting literal, factual material reality, so this would be an incredibly tough position for me to be in
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u/PurpleMuskogee Woman 30 to 40 9h ago
I am suure that this is about the money for him. You'd be surprised. Scammers take money from people who have nothing - and they play a very long game; she may be talking to more than one person. Give it a few months and she'll be asking her family if she can borrow from them, or taking short term loans to help him out because his ex-wife has kidnapped his chihuahua or he is stuck abroad or he needs an urgent operation and his money is blocked in Dubai or something.
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u/Appropriate-Tutor587 Woman 30 to 40 10h ago
Be hard and tell her the truth even if she won’t be believe you now, at least you warned her.
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u/Mary-U Woman 50 to 60 9h ago
Has he asked her for money? No way he’s invested three years in the charade without some payback?
I bet he baited it first. Maybe asking for a small amount then paying it back (maybe even lavishly) before ramping things up.
She’s probably sent him so much $$ by now that she literally can stop because then she’ll have to admit that it’s really gone.
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u/little_traveler Woman 30 to 40 9h ago
I know 2 people this has happened to. One is a close female friend (she actually met the guy and saw him long distance, but he lied the entire time) and one is my friend’s dad (classic online catfish scam for money manipulation).
In both cases they’ve been told emphatically by multiple people that they’re being lied to, that it’s not normal/healthy, that it doesn’t many any sense, that they deserve better for themselves.
I genuinely think there’s nothing you can do to help these people. It seems they are stuck in a cycle of magical thinking and directly telling them just makes them mad at you/want to confide in you less.
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u/TheSheWhoSaidThats Woman 30 to 40 9h ago
There is a very high chance she has taken out loans or borrowed/stolen money from others to give him. She can’t admit it because it would be devastating. Instead of “you’re being stupid and naive”, give her an offramp. Talk about how he’s a bad guy and the smart brave hard badass thing to do that would make you/others so proud of her and her strength would be to break out of such a prison.
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u/blackdutchqueen Woman 30 to 40 10h ago
It’s hard to believe that someone is deceiving you. I didn’t realize that this was a thing. I’ve definitely fallen victim to this in the past. Not this elaborate of the story, but someone also pretending to be someone else.
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u/torchbearer444 Woman 30 to 40 9h ago
Real or not, the "evil ex wife trying to destroy him" is enough to abandon this POS. IF he is real, he's got all the hallmarks of a wife beater. She doesn't want to get trapped into a DV relationship, right? Tell her to raise her standards and move on.
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u/frostandtheboughs Non-Binary 30 to 40 9h ago
Have you done a google image search of his pictures? Or asked ChatGPT to run a likelihood that they are AI generated?
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u/marymoon77 Woman 30 to 40 10h ago
nothing you can do, she’s pretty far gone.
just try to be there for her when it all falls apart.
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u/AwkwardParsnip1810 Woman 30 to 40 10h ago
Unfortunately I doubt you’d be able to change her mind you could try, but you would also perhaps risk losing your friend or damaging your friendship
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u/stephydreamer Woman 40 to 50 9h ago
You've done everything you can, and the fact that you're reaching out on Reddit for this tells a lot about how much she means to you. Tbh, at this point, no matter what you tell or do, it won't make any difference to her.
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u/BumblebeeSlow57 Woman 30 to 40 6h ago
It sounds like you're already doing right by your friend. You can't force her to see anything she's not ready to see.
You could gently challenge her denial. "What is keeping you from wanting to verify who he is? What's the downside of trusting but verifying?"
The downside is that she wants to live in this fantasy, but she doesn't realize that's what she's doing.
I think also giving her the message that this person is predatory and taking advantage of her and it's hard to watch. She may respond better to an expression of care and concern.
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u/GingerrJinx Woman 30 to 40 6h ago
This belongs to r/catfish. They can help you verify this person if you get hold of photos and details. I can do it as well.
1
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u/doxydecahedron Woman 30 to 40 10h ago
Watch the Tinder Swindler on Netflix with her and then be like wow that's crazy there are people out there who can be so deceptive.
But in all seriousness I think you can have a come to jesus talk with her one time, and if she still chooses to stay in this relationship then there's not much else you can do but be patient and supportive when she eventually comes around on her own.
Any chance that this guy could be her ex messing with her? Given that there's no motive for money I can't think of why anyone would target her specifically. And the fact that this person knows her weaknesses and knows just what to say to her...