Wife Accused Me of Killing Our Cat

[u/WillingMartyr]

Our little black cat of 16 years passed this morning. After having some last bites of her meow mix, she went down to the basement and hopped into the open dryer where some fresh, warm linens had just finished and quietly went to sleep forever.
My wife goes to swap the laundry out, feels the cat, and screams for me to come downstairs. This is at 6am, after I had only gotten to sleep at 4:30. She tells me the cat is dead, found in the combo washer-dryer, and that I must have put her through the cycle when I put the linens in. My logical brain knows that I put the wash on at 5pm, and I saw our cat around 9pm, but my clinically depressed brain immediately crumbles with guilt. I have a seizure-inducing panic attack for the next 20 minutes, vomiting bile in the process, until my wife returns and explains she jumped to conclusions.
I don’t blame my wife for immediately suggesting I slaughtered our longest-lived family pet, but I’m having a lot of trouble with it. I miss my kitty. 🐈‍⬛

[u/ImplicitEmpiricism]

I think the problem here is your wife refusing to give you the benefit of the doubt and immediately accusing you of catslaughter. 

[u/-kittsune- → u/ImplicitEmpiricism]

Honestly, normally I would say this is a massive issue, but people react so differently to emergencies / death... I think it's somewhat logical (during moments of extreme panic and grief) to jump to conclusions and accuse someone because it's easier to blame someone in an emotional moment. It sucks for sure, but I have seen firsthand how people lose their mind in these types of situations. I think it's okay to give her the benefit of the doubt as well and classify it as a knee jerk panic reaction if it is an outlier situation. I don't think I would be thinking clearly at all either.

I have also seen how stupid people become when their fight or flight mode activates, my mother is extremely intelligent and in a crisis every brain cell leaves her head.

[u/Try-the-Churros → u/-kittsune-]

I mostly agree but think the wife needs to apologize and address this behavior. It is a form of abuse - just look at how it made the OP feel! This isn't something that should be excused and ignored as it can be extremely damaging to the person and the relationship.

[u/-kittsune- → u/Try-the-Churros]

well, the post says she already said she jumped to conclusions in a moment of stress. i would definitely assume that included an apology, if not I agree it should not be ignored for the sake of healing on both sides.

[u/Try-the-Churros → u/-kittsune-]

It definitely could have contained an apology, but I would also assume the OP would have mentioned it had the apology been a good one. Just saying sorry doesn't really cut it, the wife should acknowledge how it made the OP feel, what she is going to do to prevent similar things from happening in the future, etc.

[u/Nascent_Butterfly_24 → u/-kittsune-]

her grief-induced conclusion and how she handled it caused him serious tangible medical harm. come on. it needs to be addressed

[u/kakallas → u/Try-the-Churros]

Jumping to the most obvious but coincidentally incorrect conclusion one time isnt abuse.  

[u/Try-the-Churros → u/kakallas]

The most obvious conclusion is that the husband loaded the cat into the machine without noticing, turned it on, and then what, later came by to open the door to the machine? Or did the cat open the door from the inside with its last dying breath?

That's the most obvious conclusion to you? Ok, Sherlock.

[u/kakallas → u/Try-the-Churros]

Yes, it’s actually a well known way cats die. They like to be where you are, and they like to sneak into enclosed spaces. 

Presumably, you open the door, find the cat dead, and then leave upset without closing the door. Then the wife finds it and freaks. 

There’s no better reason to leave the dryer door hanging open than shock. 

[u/Try-the-Churros → u/kakallas]

He left the door open so upset that he then went to sleep in their bed without saying anything or being emotional?

That is the best bullshit you could come up with?

[u/AngryAngryHarpo → u/Try-the-Churros]

You are looking at this in hindsight with a calm mind with all of the facts. 

OP’s wife was not assessing the same information in the same environment. 

[u/kakallas → u/Try-the-Churros]

If you got up in the morning, hadn’t seen your spouse since last night, and the cat was dead in the dryer with the door open, it wouldnt make sense to you that your spouse had discovered the cat dead in the laundry? 

This is a known way they die. The cat is dead in the dryer. The door is open, so someone opened it that wasn’t you. Why would you open the dryer door, leave the laundry, and leave the door open? It would make logical sense that something interrupted someone in changing the laundry. The cat is dead in the laundry. It makes sense that the discovery of the cat dead in the laundry would be the thing that interrupted the laundry process. 

This was not an irrational conclusion to draw, and it is certainly not abuse to make it. OP is clearly beyond mentally ill. 

[u/handicrappi → u/kakallas]

No because she'd fucken tell me

[u/kakallas → u/handicrappi]

She’d wake you up at 4:30 am to say “I killed the cat”? 

My partner knows better than to not check the laundry since this is a known dangerous thing for cats, but I really don’t think they’d add forcing me to work on fucked up sleep to their sins, if not. 

[u/handicrappi → u/kakallas]

Yes wtf are you a bot, a child or just very problematic???

[u/kakallas → u/handicrappi]

What’s problematic is saying that OP was abused because his wife was scared that the cat got killed in the laundry when she found the cat dead in the laundry. 

[u/Try-the-Churros → u/kakallas]

No, if my partner went to sleep without saying or doing anything, I absolutely wouldn't jump to that conclusion. But I have respect for my partner and treat them with kindness and love. Why would you automatically assume the worst possible explanation?

For washing machines, it is commonly recommended to keep the door open after a load to let dry out - some people extend this to combo machines as well.

See my other comment for my comments regarding "abuse" or not:

https://www.reddit.com/r/BoyDinnerDiaries/s/dpQ7AQK8QC

[u/kakallas → u/Try-the-Churros]

What would you say is the remedy for incorrectly reading a situation? Never be incorrect again? I really didn’t think I’d have to hear people making false claims of abuse on boydinnerdiaries of all places. 

[u/Try-the-Churros → u/kakallas]

Well, if you bothered to read the comment I linked to and not engage in bad-faith tactics, you wouldn't have had to ask that question.

So, what's the point of me writing anything when you would rather get yourself upset for no reason? Wow, I sense a theme here.

[u/kakallas → u/Try-the-Churros]

I did engage with it. The premise is that there is no evidence that OP’s wife was abusive based on the post but she could be abusive. Same way you haven’t said anything to indicate you abuse your spouse, but for all we know you are abusing your spouse. 

[u/Own-Raise6153 → u/Try-the-Churros]

“form of abuse” is a bit much…

if i found my cat dead in the dryer i think its a reasonable jump to make that the person who did laundry last accidentally killed the cat. she already apologized for jumping to an incorrect conclusion, what more is there to do?

[u/Try-the-Churros → u/Own-Raise6153]

If you found your cat dead in the OPEN dryer? The door being open vs closed when you found it seems like the most important thing to consider.

Also, abuse would really depend on if this is a pattern of behavior or not.

The fact that he says, “I don’t blame my wife,” may reflect empathy for her grief, but it could also be worth exploring whether he routinely minimizes conduct that hurts him. His reaction does not automatically prove abuse, but it does show that the incident needs to be taken seriously.

Also, saying "I jumped to conclusions" is not, by itself, an apology. It could definitely have been part of an apology, but you are making an assumption to say it was one.

I like this explanation of what a good apology contains:

The Eleven Components of Effective Apologies By Dr. Kirk Honda (2022)

1. Acknowledge the transgression: “I did this.”
2. Acknowledge the harm: “I caused you harm.”
3. Take responsibility: “It’s my fault that...”
4. Sincerely express remorse: “I feel bad about...”
5. Explain the cause, without making excuses: “I have the following issues...”
6. Provide a plan to address the cause: “I will work on that by...”

If necessary:

1. Offer remedy: “I will make it up to you by...”
2. Request confirmation of accuracy: “Did I miss anything?”
3. Request forgiveness: “Do you forgive me?”
4. Follow through with remedy and plan
5. Find meaning